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Single Parents
pregnant and absolutely no support system
So this is going to sound pretty messed up. I am 26 (27 in less than 2
weeks). I have a relatively good job that while doesn't make a ton of
money does make up for the lack of pay by the really nice benefits
package. Although I just started in May and am still under probation for
a year. I had whom I thought was an amazing man whom I was planning on
marrying. We had been together for almost three years when I found out I
was pregnant. Thinking he would be excited he then tells me that he
isn't happy in our relationship and that he has been seeing someone
else. He told me to get an abortion and moved out of the home we had
shared for two years. I have not seen or heard from him since.
I guess if I had a family to turn to it wouldn't be so bad but I haven't spoke to my father in almost 10 years and my mom is 1000 miles away taking care of my grandmother who has dementia. I do have two sisters and a brother. My brother lives in Toronto with his wife and 2 kids, My oldest sister lives in Virginia with her teenage daughter her husband just passed away less than 3 months ago. And my youngest sister has a five year old son and just had a baby girl last month. She is the closest sibling to me but she still lives nearly 2 hours away. As far as friends go we moved to Kentucky about 2 years ago, while I have met some really nice people. I know they will help me out in the extent that if I need a baby sitter every once in awhile and they will probably plan a baby shower but beyond that I doubt they will be the kind of support I need.
Right now I go to my dr appts alone. I deal with my morning sickness alone. And as it stands now I will be driving myself to the hospital when I go into labor. I don't know what to do. I know adoption is always an answer but I can't imagine carrying this baby and handing her over to someone else to love and raise just because s/he has a loser for a mom. I just don't know what to do. I have never felt so alone before now. And I don't know what to do.
As far as church groups go I'm not overly religious and I don't really want to rely on people I barely know.
I don't know what I am looking for advice, someone who knows what I am going through, a shoulder to cry on? At this point I am just scared.
Before the baby is born I'm okay I guess, but the thought of being alone while in labor makes me want to cry a million tears. Its after the baby is born, I mean I know for a fact that I can not afford to take off more than two weeks. Anything after that will be unpaid leave. Plus I know I make enough to make it on my own but will need another job to buy diapers and things a baby needs. So what do I do about that. I know in order to make it I will need at least and extra 400 a month which I can do by working another 15-20 hours a week on top of my full time job. Who is going to take care of my baby while I'm working 50-60 hrs a week? The only saving grace I have is that my insurance through work is pretty good and what my insurance does not cover for the baby, I qualify for a government program that partially covers a childs' insurance if moms insurance doesn't cover enough. So that is one less thing I don't have to worry about I am currently on WIC although I do not qualify for food stamps or KTapp. I never thought I would have to turn to government assistance but I guess I need all the help I can get. Anyway thanks to listening to me ramble. I think I just needed to get it all off of my chest and stop dwelling on my situation. While I am still clueless about what I am going to do and I have been depressed enough about the whole situation that my dr has recommended that I speak with a therapist. Grr as I am writing this I can feel the tears starting to well up. I just feel so helpless right now. Did I mention terrified and absolutely alone?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: pregnant and absolutely no support system
Let's be clear here - this baby has a loser parent, but it is NOT you. Online boards are a great place for emotional support but also check with your state and with local mom meet up groups. Try to meet other parents and single parents who can help you out. Speaking with a therapist is a great idea and they will probably have some resources to put you in touch with.
Agree. If you are already on WIC they should be able to connect you with the offices that can help with childcare services and even diapers. Start looking into the child support laws so you can file ASAP. It will take a while to process, but then BD will HAVE to pay. As for time off, you need to talk to your employer now about upping your hours so you can have some savings. Also, look into short term disability. I'm not sure how it works, but I think it's something like 60% pay if you can't work and if you end up with a c-section you can't go back after 2 weeks. For labor and delivery, perhaps you could contact some local Doulas or Doulas in training and tell them you story and ask if they can donate their services. Ask you OBs office or your hospital for recommendations.
Another option that you may want to consider is quitting your job and moving closer to another relative if you think that's the kind of support you need. If you are pregnant without insurance the state you move to should cover you at least through pregnancy and then for LO after birth. Maybe that way you wouldn't be alone and you could stay with a relative and take a few extra weeks off with baby.
I know this is A LOT! try to lean on the friends you have near you. Even if they aren't very close, people LOVE the idea of being involved with a baby and a pregnant lady.
Also, I"m not sure how far you are, but your post makes me thing you're pretty early in your pregnancy. And what Tracy said is right, your hormones do let up a little and then it is easier to cope.
YOU CAN DO THIS!
File for child support. Look into what your local community can do as far as assistance - that is what it is there for so do not be too proud to accept help! Talk to your family, even if it has been years they care about you and they will/should want to help in any way they can.
Stock up on diapers now. You can also buy almost everything second hand cheap and it is good quality. WIC will provide help with some food and formula or access to a breast pump. You may qualify for food stamps and cash assistance while pregnant and it will increase once the baby comes. They also can help you with daycare assistance.
You do not have to be rich to take care of your child. I had a loser ex that did nothing to help up with two kids and I was dirt broke for a long time, but we made it. You can do it, just stay strong and positive. Your baby needs you.
I've been there. I drove myself to the hospital to be induced, and had an emergency c/s, all alone. I then went through the entire newborn stage solo. It sucked, but you know what? Like all things, this, too, shall pass. It doesn't feel like it, but it will. You know what else? Sh?t happens in life, and it definitely doesn't make you a loser. Some of the worst things happen to some of the greatest, most pulled-together people. Stop blaming yourself for other's faults and problems of circumstance
I'll basically say what PP have said. File for CS as soon as the baby is born. He may have asked you to abort (which makes me beyond stabby, but that's a side point), but he is still as responsible for this child as you are. Also, re-apply for things like food stamps after the baby is born. Having 2 people in a household under your income changes everything as far as benefits qualifications go. You will probably also qualify for some sort of assistance for childcare costs, too.
Cloth diapering is another good idea. Start buying now, little by little, if you choose to go that route. Also, I bought all DS' clothes from resale shops, clearance sales online, and places like Ross. We bedshare, so no crib (though that's a very personal choice). And one cool thing about newborns is they don't need much as far as toys and clothes go - especially if you do lots of skin to skin at home. It wasn't until DS was about 3 months that he even cared about toys - at the start, they sleep, eat and poop, and when they are awake, they just want to stare at you and take in their environment.
I am so sorry you're going through this right now. It's tough, I know. Hopefully someone from your family will come down and help you out at least a bit. Those first few weeks are especially brutal with the hormones and crying and sweating and crap. Definitely get in to see a therapist now. You want to be able to preempt any potential PPD if possible. That's definitely something I wish I'd done.
Hang in there, mama. You'll get through this. And your kiddo is going to be SO proud of you one day, just for surviving. S/he is lucky to have you for a mom.
(((hugs)))
I'm in this situation too. I don't know how I am going to pay for birthcare. I don't know where I am going to live. I don't know where I am going to work. I don't know how on earth I will be able to support this baby. I make a decent living, but I live in one of the most expensive places in the country, so the wage and cost of living go hand in hand. Dad has decided to play games and be all in then be all out. My mom can't help me and is 1,000 miles away. My dad right now wants nothing to do with me and is 1,000 miles away. No siblings. No close friends. My job doesn't provide insurance and I don't qualify for FMLA/Maternity leave because we are too small. I couldn't afford to take FMLA anyway and I like you, will be going back to work after two weeks. I can't afford any more time off. I plan on getting child support, but that will basically go straight to childcare which around here is out of control.
In a nutshell, you're not alone though it really feels like it. I have ZERO CLUE how this is going to work out for me. I cried my eyes out tonight and still am upset. I can't change this situation right now and like you, adoption is in the back of my head but I just don't think I can do it. I don't think I should have to.
Feel free to PM me too.