I need to vent about my mom!(very long)

JBDamonM · July 2013

Because I am at my wits end. I don't know who she has become but I want to scream.

Befire DD was born, DH and I literally argued about how often she would be here because I foolishly had told him she would be here a lot to help us. Jokes on me apparently. She could not even be bothered to make us dinner the week we got home from the hospital. At one point she even promised something and yet here we sit three months later and she has failed to deliver. She also said she wanted to buy the curtains for LOs nursery as her gift. Then vetoed what I picked..,.,and the window still sits empty. (Note; go back and order what I want for myself).

she is turning 65 this summer and my sisters and her planned a weekend away to celebrate. They picked a hotel that has a 3 night min, 3 hours away at about 1K in costs. Given that I was out of work unpaid for 6 weeks and have very few vacation days left for the year, I graciously opted out (after my sisters refused to change the plan to a closer hotel)...and explained things to my mom. All was quiet until about a month and a half ago when my mom started in with me "I onky turn 65 once, blah blah blah. So now DH and I are going for one night of the trip and staying in a separate hotel, alone. What a joke. I should also note that my mom just came back from an Alaskan cruise, also to celebrate said birthday and has company coming on her actual birthday weekend.

DH got a new job this week. He works in sales and this opportunity could really be a game changer for us if it pans out and he hits his targets. If he doesn't then he's still making a decent salary that we can live on, more comfortably then weve been living for the past 6 months....She totally burst my bouble of excitement this week jus because the job is with a very small company.

Lastly, and my biggest issue. She continues to argue with me because I won't help my sister. My sister has two kids, one who is severely autistic and a husband that travels. And somehow it's my jib to help her when her husband is away. She wants me to help her the weekend of the 20th and I explained that I only have a small window because I have a wedding shower, and because my mother in law allegedly rented a beach house that weekend and my mom was literally annoyed. Just like we fought two weeks ago because my BiL was away and I didn't call my sister. Funny, you would forget that I am a FTM with a 3 month old when reading this!

I was pretty much single handedly raised by my mom and it kills me that I feel like my relationship with her is falling out the window, but its the same BS over and over. I would not, for the life of me want the hand my sister has been dealt with her son, however my mom essentially (for lack of better words) favors her because of it and she should look in the mirror one of these days because its costing her a relationship with her other daughter, that used to be solid.

I am also upset because DDs middle name is after my moms mom, who was awesome and one of the most selfless people I have ever met. That women bent over backwards for me my entire life.....and yet apparently DDs grandmother can't be bothered to even send dinner when she was born.

Ok, tyrade finally over. Back to your regularly scheduled bumping.

Also, please excuse typos. Bumping from my IPAD.

Dragonfly1226 · July 2013

I can't imagine how frustrating this all is! Honestly, if it was me I would just take some time to disengage. You have a lot on your plate with a new baby. You don't have time for this BS. If she starts in on you about anything having to do with your sister just say, "I am sorry you feel that way." and end the conversation. I am so sorry your mother isn't being supportive of you.

imoverit · July 2013

Wow just wow. So nice of you to put forth the effort for her bday even though she doesnt pull through for you. Sorry you have to deal with such selfishness.

pb_bride · July 2013

I'm really sorry about what you're going through. It must to so tough. I guess you'll just have to let go and not let it bother you (easier said than done, I know). Ultimately, it is your mom's loss... Not only she's losing you, but she's also missing out on her chance to be close to your DD.

jessica_gail2 · July 2013

Dragonfly1226:
I can't imagine how frustrating this all is! Honestly, if it was me I would just take some time to disengage. You have a lot on your plate with a new baby. You don't have time for this BS. If she starts in on you about anything having to do with your sister just say, "I am sorry you feel that way." and end the conversation. I am so sorry your mother isn't being supportive of you.

This. Couldn't have said it better. Big hugs...I hope everything gets better soon!

JBDamonM · July 2013

jessica_gail2:
Dragonfly1226:
I can't imagine how frustrating this all is! Honestly, if it was me I would just take some time to disengage. You have a lot on your plate with a new baby. You don't have time for this BS. If she starts in on you about anything having to do with your sister just say, "I am sorry you feel that way." and end the conversation. I am so sorry your mother isn't being supportive of you.
This. Couldn't have said it better. Big hugs...I hope everything gets better soon!

this is exactly what I have been doing. I just can't be bothered anymore quite frankly. We duked it out three weeks ago and I thought it may get better after that but a week later was when she made the comment about giving me a hard time for not calling my sister......to which we argued again. It's the same cycle over and over and no matter how many times I point out to her that its not my job to help my sister she never seems to get it. The most insulting part......I have another sister. And NOTHING is asked of her. (She lives two hours away but still....)

JBDamonM · July 2013

imoverit:
Wow just wow. So nice of you to put forth the effort for her bday even though she doesnt pull through for you. Sorry you have to deal with such selfishness.

no kidding, and she couldn't even say as much as thank you when I was able to find a hotel room with no minimum stay....

Mrs.AmyDylan · July 2013

I'm so sorry. My heart hurts for you. I realize that not everyone has a good relationship with their mom, but the heartbreak of a wonderful mom/daughter relationship crumbling as you have finally become a mother yourself is devastating. You need a sympathetic ear, some kind advice, not guilt trips and bossiness. I'm so so sorry and I hope she wakes up and gets it together. huge hugs.

TJ1979 · July 2013

I'm so sorry JB. You would think babies would bring out the best in people. But that is not the case all too often. Big hugs to you and I hope your relationship with your mom gets better.

itsmevkb · July 2013

I think the disengaging is good advice.

You're sort of at the place I was years ago with my mom and at some point I mourned the loss of the relationship I wanted with my mom and moved on to accept the one I actually have with her. Yes, there are times when it still frustrates me, but it's a little easier now because I'm not expecting it to be different. So, when she asks me to make three side dishes for Thanksgiving dinner while assigning frozen dinner rolls and wine to my other sisters because they are "so busy" (I have 4 kids and work full-time, my older sis has 1 child and works and my younger sis has 2 kids but doesn't work) I just sort of laugh it off. I can't use my energy getting mad about stuff like that anymore.

As for the birthday thing, I might just get snarky and point out that she only has the opportunity to send dinner to your first baby once as well.

Saraevh · July 2013

I can sorda empathize with you as my relationship with my father (which was once a very tight and wonderful relationship) is crumbling before my very eyes as well and it really, really sucks.

My parents divorced when I was 22 and my mother has since remarried (to a wonderful man who is WAY more of a grandfather to my children than my own dad is) and my dad recently started dating a woman who is very nice, however he has completely shut my family out of his life and has been all about her family ever since. Taking her grandkids to fun places, spending time with them on the weekends, going to their baseball games, etc yet has only seen my children once since February (we live an hour and a half away from one another, but that's not that far). Whenever I see him post pictures of all of the fun stuff he's doing with his girlfriend's grandkids on Facebook I boil because my kids don't even know who the hell he is and he doesn't even seem to care.

Anyway, I should really just make my own rant post about this issue because I just hijacked yours, but I know it's easy to say you're not going to let her get to you and that her actions aren't going to upset you, but I'm hoping you and I can both get to a place kinda like what itsmevkb was talking about where we can just brush it off and not be bothered by it. I know I'm not quite there yet, but I feel like it's getting slightly easier for me as I am so busy with my own family I don't have as much time to care about what he is doing with his "new" family.

ELF4321 · July 2013

Families can be so stressful. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time with your mom. I hope things get better.

JBDamonM · July 2013

Thanks for all of the feedback ladies......feels so good to vent it out so I don't lose my mind. The only thing I'm happy about in this situation is that 6 months ago I would cry about it, now I just shake my head :::and write novels on Internet boards::: it does kill me though because my mom was never selfish like this.....coincidentally until dd came along apparently......our maybe its just that I can't meet her demands now that DD is here...either way, it's tough!

queenbone · July 2013

I don't know what your mom is thinking. You're a new mom. Your responsibility only lay with your new nuclear family, not your family of origin. It is not your responsibility to participate in a party planned outside your budget, nor is it your responsibility to take care of your sister's family. Sure, help and participate if you can, but you are required to do nothing.

I'm sorry she isn't making your transition into motherhood easy on you because she is piling on guilt.

JBDamonM · July 2013

queenbone:
I don't know what your mom is thinking. You're a new mom. Your responsibility only lay with your new nuclear family, not your family of origin. It is not your responsibility to participate in a party planned outside your budget, nor is it your responsibility to take care of your sister's family. Sure, help and participate if you can, but you are required to do nothing.I'm sorry she isn't making your transition into motherhood easy on you because she is piling on guilt. :

Exactly how I feel. Could not have said it better myself!

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