- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
Valie18
member
Are you "Mom" to DHs grown kids?
Valie18
member
Sorry... I've never posted here before but something came up today and I'm not sure how to feel about it and I thought you ladies would have the perspective to help me out.
I'm 25 but started dating my DH at 17. At the time FIL had left MIL about 2 years before and started living with another woman. Time went by and last year FIL married this woman and DH and I were married.
DH and I have had a good relationship with FIL and SMIL for the last few years. When DH and I were engaged she started calling herself Mom (sometimes) and when she married FIL I started saying the same.
To me it is important to call family by family names (Mom, Aunt B., Grandma, etc.) and this was very special to me. So then FIL emailed DH this am and asked DH to stop calling SMIL "Mom" and to go back to calling her by her first name.
Say what? Anyway... I'm kind of hurt. I plan to keep calling her "Mom" until she asks me not to. What would you want?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Are you "Mom" to DHs grown kids?
No, we wanted time to get our thoughts straight on this first. And we feel like this is a discussion we should be having with SMIL or SMIL and FIL not just between FIL and DH. It's going to be a while before we have a chance to field it and ask why.
Since FIL said it I would think the first discussion would be with him. From your post it sounds like he cheated on MIL with SMIL so it would not be a stretch to think this second marriage could be ending fans he does not want her called Mom. Or he was mad at her. Was something more said that you think it is her and not him that wants this?
Nothing has been said by her. They go through rough patches but they've never included us in their problems so I'm hoping it's nothing like that.
I'm tempted to leave the conversation between DH and FIL for now and see where it goes just because I don't see anything good coming from it. I feel like one or both of them no longer want for us to see her as a mother. I hope I'm over-reacting here but what else could that mean? It would make me very sad.
It would break my heart if my own mother told me to stop calling her "Mom".
Coming from someone who calls 3 people "Mom", I think it's strange that your FIL thinks he can dictate what his adult son or daughter-in-law call anyone.
I personally call my mom, my MIL and my best friend who passed away in hs's mom all "Mom." The last I have called Mom since before my friend passed at 18. I am still very close with her family.
If my mom or father or anyone told me I shouldn't call any of them Mom, I would say too bad, I'm an adult and I can call whomever I want whatever I want.
It sounds like there maybe an impending divorce, but even if there is it would still be your & DH's decision to end or maintain that relationship and call the person whatever you want.
Otherwise, I think it is appropriate to callme anyone anything you want in adult relationships, respectfully.
My H calls his. Step dad by name but is not ashamed to be called that man's son or call him Dad to people who don't know the family dynamic. Likewise, if I am talking to people, it is much easier for me to say H's mom and dad rather than MIL and SFIL. That is just way too long to say. Not to mention his step dad is a huge part of our family, whereas his BF is a very transient member to us.
On the flipside, DH's stepmom starting inserting herself as 'mom' and calling herself that even though H was grown, married to me, and we had SD and one on the way when she met FIL. DH was not ok with that. And then she started calling H's grandmother 'mom' when Granny didn't even know her name. She made her kids start calling FIL 'dad'. H was ok with none of this because she tried to insert herself into a role that as an adult with the power to decide he vehemently chose not to give to her. Honestly, she is a real piece of work.
So if everyone is ok with it, I think adults have the power to make their own decisions about titles of family members. I do think you should leave this between your H and his dad, if either chooses to persue it any farther. And honestly, I would try to avoid calling her 'mom' until you know why this came up. If there is a problen between them, you don't want to add fuel to the fire. Then after it gets settled, go your way.
Here's a thought. All is not well in their marriage and your FIL is preempting whatever issue it is.
Given the common denominator to the relaitonship is FIL, I would have your DH ask his father why and take it from there.
Because you can be all high and mighty and say that it is up to SMIL and YOU, but if FIL drops her then what?
But she is not his Mom so your comparison does not work. She came into his life when he was a teen and he has a Mom.
Oh and my SD is 23 and considers me a parent but never Mom.
Thank you for responding. I think I'll clarify/summarize my current thoughts on this.
First, I've talked to DH and he is going to email his Dad tonight and ask if everything is okay and why he is asking for this change.
I hadn't seriously considered that this might be coming from a problem in their relationship. IF this is what is going on it seems very inappropriate to me that FIL would ask this of us - that would be very hurtful toward SMIL.
I had thought that maybe FIL or SMIL had reconsidered how they want her to fit into our family. Like I said, it would make me sad if they don't want her to be a "Mom" but it is what it is. Unless it's just FIL... which would be really strange.
So if FIL says this is what they both want I guess I'll just check with SMIL and go with it. ): And if it is just him there are bigger problems I suppose.
Does that seem right?
Because DH prefer her as a "Mom" figure - she has been good to us for a very long time and we were on-board with calling her Mom once she married FIL. I feel like I would be telling her "thanks but no thanks" on the Mom front if I switch back without her knowing why. Also IF something is going on between her and FIL I feel like stopping calling her "Mom" would be taking a side with FIL and be really hurtful to her when I have no reason to do those things.
I agree that it is not an automatic thing, but I also see it as a statement of who I want the person to be in my life. Before we were married my Mom insisted DH called her "Mom" and my Dad "Dad" (that one took a little longer.) It was them telling DH he was part of the family and they were there for him. This is what I thought we had with SMIL and now I'm confused.
Update: DH emailed FIL to his personal email but SMIL responded. According to SMIL she wants to be "Mom" still and didn't know until this evening that FIL wanted to change things. Apparently FIL thinks it sounds weird.
Yes... this is my family.
There is way more to this story if FIL did this on his own. How old are you and DH, how long ago did they get married?
I believe you.
DH and I are 27 and 25. They got married last Summer.
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
so you are calling a woman who has no parental role in either your DH or YOUR lives MOM and you don't see why your FIL may have a problem with it?
Hell, what exactly has this woman done to earn a "family title". She has never parented your DH, right? She most certainly has not parented you. So unless you don't feel like an equal to this woman (I mean, she has been around the family about as long as you have...so why does she rate the greater title of respect?), why are you putting her in a higher level of authority and respect?
I could ALMOST see you calling her "MOM" if this was your DH's BM or if he called he MOM becuase he had some parental/child relationship...well really I don't understand this but I know people who are ok with it...but that isn't the case here.
Don't you want to be considered a grown-up at some point in your life?
Hopefully not the whole thing. I thought some of it was a touch harsh.
No one is being questioned - FIL made the decision that the "Mom" thing stop so DH asked him what was going on. I do think that FIL deciding to change what his kids call his wife without consulting at least his wife is kind of outrageous.
Which part was harsh?
1) Questioning the ulterior motive or emotional stability of a grown woman asking other grown adults - whom she not only has not known more than a handful of years, but has no parental relationship or responsibility for - to call her MOTHER?
or
2) Wondering why a grown adult would allow herself to be treated like a child by another adult?
You are not Ruth and your StepMIL is not Naomi and your husband is most assurredly not Boaz. Ruth chose to go with Naomi because without her, Naomi would probably die, given she (Naomi) had no one in her life to help her out.
YOUR SMIL has her husband and...women are no longer chattel.
And really, you are pissed at your FIL for supposedly overstepping his boundaries but what about SMIL overstepping hers?
Given you are SOOOOOOO into parents and people grasping at the parental role having more respect than you, doesn't then mean that the FATHER in this case has a say in how his SON addresses other people?
Or is this parental respect thing just how YOU pick and choose it to be?
Ok, I read more of your replies and I get where you are coming from. In your family, adult children are still children in your Parent's eyes and therefore are REQUIRED (snort) to call them by the PARENT title.
Hey if you and your DH are ok with never being treated as a grown up all for the sake of being part of the family, bully for you.
HOWEVER, if you are perfectly ok with YOUR parents telling you how to address them, then your DH should be following that same logical train of thought and follow what HIS FATHER (not some random woman his father happens to marry) wants.
But again, I can see how confusing this is, given your familial background.
Mostly that part. I'm going to have to read Ruth again before I understand your reference.
I'm not pissed at anyone yet. At first I was upset b/c I thought FIL and SMIL changed her mind about how involved they wanted to be in our lives. Now I'm just wondering what is going on with them.
I don't understand the relationship to respect that you are bringing in here.
Well, I feel we understand each other a little better now at least.