WY be mad?

cedenton · July 2013

We have a friend (childless, not married) who has a huge, whole weekend birthday party every year at a lake house.

She scheduled it for the weekend of DS' birthday. Not mad about that. Sucks (would have liked to go), but not mad.

I am annoyed because one of our friend's replied to my FB save the date for DS' party saying that her family would be there and couldn't come to DS' party. The other party is 1-1.5 hours away.

I am annoyed about this because my husband is currently on his way over to their house with his friend to put in their hardwood floors. He will then owe his friend some work on his car in exchange for the help. DH took two days off to do this and has committed to help them when they put in their new kitchen cabinets, too. He's not even that good of friends with them. Likes them, but their schedule are so different it's hard.

And they can't even be bothered to come to DS' party. I purposely scheduled it from 11-1 on Sat. so people who wanted to go to the other party could do so afterward.

I know it's an overreaction, but I'm really annoyed and hurt. Would you be?

Reilly626 · July 2013

I'd be annoyed too! Especially since your husband is doing their floors when it's time he could spend with the family. Hopefully they send you a big check for his birthday and all is good.

SJandVA · July 2013

I know how you feel. You want people to WANT to come to the bday party. Because it shows they care. It's hurtful when they don't. But you can't really control what other people do. We go through this with DH brother and his wife every year. His wife has not come to one of DD1 parties.
There's really not much you can do. If you say something and they end up coming you'll feel like they only came because they feel obligated. Or at least that's how I feel. If they are good friends they won't always do stuff like this and if they do then maybe they aren't friends worth having.
I usually steam over it and vent to DH and then usually get over it. But I'm non confrontational that way.

ks3pink · July 2013

Meh. Do these people have kids? I'm thinking either they don't or they have a babysitter and want a completely kid free weekend. Helping people remodel their homes doesn't make it a requirement for them to attend your kid's birthday party. Or anything else for that matter. And with the price of gas I can't say that I would want to drive an hour back home to a party and then back up to the first party. That's 4 to 5 hours of their day shot on a one year old's party which is probably not a priority to them.

Edited for clarity.

cedenton · July 2013

SJandVA:
I know how you feel. You want people to WANT to come to the bday party. Because it shows they care. It's hurtful when they don't. But you can't really control what other people do. We go through this with DH brother and his wife every year. His wife has not come to one of DD1 parties.
There's really not much you can do. If you say something and they end up coming you'll feel like they only came because they feel obligated. Or at least that's how I feel. If they are good friends they won't always do stuff like this and if they do then maybe they aren't friends worth having.
I usually steam over it and vent to DH and then usually get over it. But I'm non confrontational that way.

They've always been good friends so I won't say anything. I think they're probably just over kid's birthday parties.

cedenton · July 2013

ks3pink:
Meh. Do these people have kids? I'm thinking either they don't or they have a babysitter and want a completely kid free weekend. Helping people remodel their homes doesn't make it a requireIment for them to attend your kid's birthday party. Or anything else for that matter. And with the price of gas I can't say that I would want to drive an hour back home to a party and then back up to the first party. That's 4 to 5 hours of their day shot on a one year old's party which is probably not a priority to them.

Edited for clarity.

They have 2 kids. It's possible they aren't taking the kids, but they usually do. You're right about the driving if they were planning on going up Friday. Since they both work I figured they wouldn't go until Saturday and could go after DS' party, but i could be wrong.

sosoph · July 2013

No. I'd rather go to a lake party than a 1st birthday for a friend's baby. Especially since the first is an annual event.

SJandVA · July 2013

cedenton:
SJandVA:
I know how you feel. You want people to WANT to come to the bday party. Because it shows they care. It's hurtful when they don't. But you can't really control what other people do. We go through this with DH brother and his wife every year. His wife has not come to one of DD1 parties.
There's really not much you can do. If you say something and they end up coming you'll feel like they only came because they feel obligated. Or at least that's how I feel. If they are good friends they won't always do stuff like this and if they do then maybe they aren't friends worth having.
I usually steam over it and vent to DH and then usually get over it. But I'm non confrontational that way.

They've always been good friends so I won't say anything. I think they're probably just over kid's birthday parties.

Im sorry! It's still ok to feel a little hurt.

poppyseed1017 · July 2013

I'm sorry you're annoyed but I mean, people can do what they want to do. If you were in your friend's shoes, you'd pick the other party too.

amaite · July 2013

Honestly, no, I don't think I would be mad. I'm sorry you feel hurt. It is good that they told you way in advance, and not attending doesn't mean they care any less about ds or your family.

cedenton · July 2013

Scout2005:
poppyseed1017:
I'm sorry you're annoyed but I mean, people can do what they want to do. If you were in your friend's shoes, you'd pick the other party too.

Sorry, I agree with Poppy.

Actually, no i wouldn't. I would go to my friend's kid's party and then the other party. But DH and I have always been the kind to go out of our way for our friends while rarely getting the same in return. Not saying we do things in expectation of something in return, but after a while you stay to notice the imbalance, not specifically these friends, though.

Anyway, I know it's not a big deal and I'm not going to hold a grudge. Just a little hurt and bummed.

ks3pink · July 2013

Scout2005:
Two parties would do my duo in. It would be too much stimulation for one day. I'd have to pick. I really think they are just being realistic about their day.

I truly mean this with no snark, but maybe you need to step back and examin how much you're putting yourself out for people. I'd you're noticing constant inequalities, it's possible that you are going needlessly above the rational level of effort for friends. At some point, that can be worse than not doing enough. Because of course you expect the same in kind, and if its an unreasonable level you are bound to be disappointed.

Very well said. I completely agree!!

cedenton · July 2013

Scout2005:
Two parties would do my duo in. It would be too much stimulation for one day. I'd have to pick. I really think they are just being realistic about their day. I truly mean this with no snark, but maybe you need to step back and examin how much you're putting yourself out for people. I'd you're noticing constant inequalities, it's possible that you are going needlessly above the rational level of effort for friends. At some point, that can be worse than not doing enough. Because of course you expect the same in kind, and if its an unreasonable level you are bound to be disappointed.

I agree with you here, Scout. DH and I have had this conversation more than once. We, especially he, tend to offer to much of ourselves to others. Time to adjust our expectations I guess.

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