Baby Shower Drama... already?

dltate29 · July 2013

My sister is planning my baby shower for me, which I really appreciate. She lives out of state and will have to travel (aka: fly) home to host my shower. We have been discussing dates and we have hit what I think is a potential road block/drama starter. My busiest time at work is November, December, and January (go figure I am due mid Jan.), so when my sister mentioned she was throwing me a shower and was asking about dates I requested the first weekend in November, 11/2. She mentioned concern because she wants to do Halloween with her two daughters on the 31st. So I compromised with the following weekend, 11/9. Now both her and my mom want the weekend of 11/15 becuase it is easier on my sister for traveling with her two girls (which I heard are now going to be attending the shower, is that right? They are 1 and 4 years old) her husband is hunting that weekend and can fly with her (hence easier to travel with the kids) and then he'll hunt while she hosts the shower. My concern is I will be so occupied with work and prepping for a huge event that the last thing I want to worry about is a shower, doing thank you notes (I insist on hand writing, I feel they are more personable), trying to organize everything I received from the shower, etc.

Am I being too inconsiderate by trying to compromise with 11/9? Ultimately the easiest for me is October but we all felt that might be too early to have a shower.

ccip82 · July 2013

IMHO if you sister is graciously offering to throw you a shower and even willing fly to your home town to host, you should be accommodating to the date that is easiest for her. You do not have any other commitments for that date, correct? Is it just because it will be a busier time of year for you? Thank you notes will not take too long to write, you can work on a couple a day and be done within two weeks. Your DH/SO can even help out.

In regards to her children coming, I do not see a problem with it at all. Again, it sounds like your sister is putting in a lot of effort on her part for your shower. Also flying with kids is so much easier when you have an extra set of hands helping out. I live overseas and traveling back and forth alone with DD is enough to give me a panic attacks at times!

Also, I can completely understand why your sister would not want to have the shower right after Halloween when she has two little girls.

July1215 · July 2013

ccip82:
IMHO if you sister is graciously offering to throw you a shower and even willing fly to your home town to host, you should be accommodating to the date that is easiest for her. You do not have any other commitments for that date, correct? Is it just because it will be a busier time of year for you? Thank you notes will not take too long to write, you can work on a couple a day and be done within two weeks. Your DH/SO can even help out.
In regards to her children coming, I do not see a problem with it at all. Again, it sounds like your sister is putting in a lot of effort on her part for your shower. Also flying with kids is so much easier when you have an extra set of hands helping out. I live overseas and traveling back and forth alone with DD is enough to give me a panic attacks at times!
Also, I can completely understand why your sister would not want to have the shower right after Halloween when she has two little girls.

i agree 100%

peanutmuse · July 2013

ccip82:
IMHO if you sister is graciously offering to throw you a shower and even willing fly to your home town to host, you should be accommodating to the date that is easiest for her. You do not have any other commitments for that date, correct? Is it just because it will be a busier time of year for you? Thank you notes will not take too long to write, you can work on a couple a day and be done within two weeks. Your DH/SO can even help out.
In regards to her children coming, I do not see a problem with it at all. Again, it sounds like your sister is putting in a lot of effort on her part for your shower. Also flying with kids is so much easier when you have an extra set of hands helping out. I live overseas and traveling back and forth alone with DD is enough to give me a panic attacks at times!
Also, I can completely understand why your sister would not want to have the shower right after Halloween when she has two little girls.

I also agree with this 100%.

I want to add that children, especially children who are close to the mother-to-be (ex: nieces, nephews) are almost always invited to the baby showers that I've been to. Maybe that's just a regional thing, though.

dltate29 · July 2013

esd:
As far as your nieces attending, I'd say normally not but considering your sister is flying in from out of state, I can understand she would need to bring her kids. I'd set up an area in another room where they can play and won't be part of the shower the entire time. As for the date, I'd try and be flexible. Have your mom and sister help you organize the gifts and take your time with thank you notes. I think it's really nice of your sister to fly to host the shower for you so accommodating her with the best date seems fair.

When my sister threw my bridal shower after she had her first child, she was only about a month old, baby took center stage at my shower and I felt like an afterthought. Most of the time I have no issues with having babies or children present at parties, etc. I just don't see my nieces playing quietly or by themselves while the shower is going on.

I do appreciate the advice and input though. It is great to have others perspectives!

dltate29 · July 2013

ccip82:

IMHO if you sister is graciously offering to throw you a shower and even willing fly to your home town to host, you should be accommodating to the date that is easiest for her. You do not have any other commitments for that date, correct? Is it just because it will be a busier time of year for you? Thank you notes will not take too long to write, you can work on a couple a day and be done within two weeks. Your DH/SO can even help out.

In regards to her children coming, I do not see a problem with it at all. Again, it sounds like your sister is putting in a lot of effort on her part for your shower. Also flying with kids is so much easier when you have an extra set of hands helping out. I live overseas and traveling back and forth alone with DD is enough to give me a panic attacks at times!

Also, I can completely understand why your sister would not want to have the shower right after Halloween when she has two little girls.

I completely agree about not wanting the shower right after Halloween as well. I appreciate the input and advice. I thnk just knowing my mom and sister's relationship compared to mine always makes me fee like I give in time and time again to whatever accomodates them the best (they are like BFFs). Even my DH seemed concerned that they were not taking into account my schedule and how much stress I will be under November through January (not even mentioning deling with upcoming baby arrival). But everyone is right by saying they are making the effort to travel and plan this for me, I should be most accomodating to them and their needs.

ccip82 · July 2013

dltate29:
esd:

.

When my sister threw my bridal shower after she had her first child, she was only about a month old, baby took center stage at my shower and I felt like an afterthought. Most of the time I have no issues with having babies or children present at parties, etc. I just don't see my nieces playing quietly or by themselves while the shower is going on.

I do appreciate the advice and input though. It is great to have others perspectives!

You have a very generous sister who not only threw you a bridal shower a month after giving birth, but is also willing to fly to your town with her children and now throw you a baby shower. I am sorry you felt that the baby took center stage. You can assign a special job to the four year old...like taking gifts from the arriving guests. I have attended many baby showers with children in attendance and never did they take away from the attention of the mom to be. I am trying to be polite here, but I think you need to take a step back and reevaluate this situation...

peanutmuse · July 2013

dltate29:

When my sister threw my bridal shower after she had her first child, she was only about a month old, baby took center stage at my shower and I felt like an afterthought. Most of the time I have no issues with having babies or children present at parties, etc. I just don't see my nieces playing quietly or by themselves while the shower is going on.

I do appreciate the advice and input though. It is great to have others perspectives!

I understand that it was probably hurtful at your bridal shower at the time. Does it still bother you? Because I have found that even the things that seriously irritated me about my bridal shower are barely a blip in my memory now. Even if they are not playing quietly, I doubt that your nieces will be the center of attention now. People love pregnant women, lol.

dltate29 · July 2013

ccip82:
dltate29:

esd:

.

When my sister threw my bridal shower after she had her first child, she was only about a month old, baby took center stage at my shower and I felt like an afterthought. Most of the time I have no issues with having babies or children present at parties, etc. I just don't see my nieces playing quietly or by themselves while the shower is going on.

I do appreciate the advice and input though. It is great to have others perspectives!

You have a very generous sister who not only threw you a bridal shower a month after giving birth, but is also willing to fly to your town with her children and now throw you a baby shower. I am sorry you felt that the baby took center stage. You can assign a special job to the four year old...like taking gifts from the arriving guests. I have attended many baby showers with children in attendance and never did they take away from the attention of the mom to be. I am trying to be polite here, but I think you need to take a step back and reevaluate this situation...

It is probably just the type of relationship that I have with my mom and sister which I know is hard to explain in full detail over these posts. With that said, I do want to keep reminding everyone that I do apprecaite their honest opinions and advice, which is why I made this post in the first place. And as I had stated earlier I do agree that with them going out of their way to host a shower in my honor and that I should be mroe accomodating to the date that best fits their schedule and not mine.

ccip82 · July 2013

peanut+muse:
dltate29:

When my sister threw my bridal shower after she had her first child, she was only about a month old, baby took center stage at my shower and I felt like an afterthought. Most of the time I have no issues with having babies or children present at parties, etc. I just don't see my nieces playing quietly or by themselves while the shower is going on.

I do appreciate the advice and input though. It is great to have others perspectives!
I understand that it was probably hurtful at your bridal shower at the time. Does it still bother you? Because I have found that even the things that seriously irritated me about my bridal shower are barely a blip in my memory now. Even if they are not playing quietly, I doubt that your nieces will be the center of attention now. People love pregnant women, lol.

My previous statement might have been a little harsh and I apologize, but it almost sounds like this maybe the reason for not wanting to have your nieces at the shower? I am sorry that you felt like this at your bridal shower. I agree with peanut that your nieces will not be the center of attention at your baby shower and that everyone loves pregnant women.

Coming from my perspective, my shower was completely unexpected and I had no idea. I had my shower at 20 weeks because I happened to be home visiting family at the time. My mom and sisters went all out and threw me a wonderful shower for which I was really grateful for. My sister was also pregnant at the time, and brought along my year old nephew, but it did not take away from my shower at all.

dltate29 · July 2013

peanut+muse:
dltate29:

When my sister threw my bridal shower after she had her first child, she was only about a month old, baby took center stage at my shower and I felt like an afterthought. Most of the time I have no issues with having babies or children present at parties, etc. I just don't see my nieces playing quietly or by themselves while the shower is going on.

I do appreciate the advice and input though. It is great to have others perspectives!

I understand that it was probably hurtful at your bridal shower at the time. Does it still bother you? Because I have found that even the things that seriously irritated me about my bridal shower are barely a blip in my memory now. Even if they are not playing quietly, I doubt that your nieces will be the center of attention now. People love pregnant women, lol.

I am sure I am just overly hormonal right now, lol. I know the day before my wedding my mom wouldn't speak to me all day because I had asked her to help me carry some boxes of things to the car. She took offense because she was busy ironing my niece's outfit for the day and hence gave me the silent treatment the rest of the day. The morning of my wedding she called me up and acted like nothing ever happened. I am sure the combination of many of past history scenarios to some degree still bother me and not that any of those make me love my sister or mother any less. I traveled to throw my sister a baby shower, we both travel back and forth for visits, holidays, etc.

That is why I really truly am thankful to have an outlet on this website to post these questions and give myself a reality check of what is really important. Again, I think I am just a bit hormonal still.

dltate29 · July 2013

ccip82:
peanut+muse:
dltate29:

When my sister threw my bridal shower after she had her first child, she was only about a month old, baby took center stage at my shower and I felt like an afterthought. Most of the time I have no issues with having babies or children present at parties, etc. I just don't see my nieces playing quietly or by themselves while the shower is going on.

I do appreciate the advice and input though. It is great to have others perspectives!

I understand that it was probably hurtful at your bridal shower at the time. Does it still bother you? Because I have found that even the things that seriously irritated me about my bridal shower are barely a blip in my memory now. Even if they are not playing quietly, I doubt that your nieces will be the center of attention now. People love pregnant women, lol.

My previous statement might have been a little harsh and I apologize, but it almost sounds like this maybe the reason for not wanting to have your nieces at the shower? I am sorry that you felt like this at your bridal shower. I agree with peanut that your nieces will not be the center of attention at your baby shower and that everyone loves pregnant women.

Coming from my perspective, my shower was completely unexpected and I had no idea. I had my shower at 20 weeks because I happened to be home visiting family at the time. My mom and sisters went all out and threw me a wonderful shower for which I was really grateful for. My sister was also pregnant at the time, and brought along my year old nephew, but it did not take away from my shower at all.

No need to aplogize, I think everyone's comments on here are spot on. And I also think that with everyone coming from different backgrounds it is wonderful to hear how others would handle certain situations. I think your shower sounded like it was very special. My sister was MIA for half of my shower. My poor sister-in-law was thrown for a loop and didn't know what to do as she was epxecting my sister to be there since she did most of the planning.

Overall I do think that I shouldn't make the date of the shower a big deal and that I am probably just letting past experiences take over my emotions.

hopeful808 · July 2013

If you are really concerned about the kids you could offer to find a babysitter to entertain the kids for the hours of the shower. Depending on the length of the shower you could suggest they go to a movie, park, or children's museum. However, it would be up to your sister to agree.

When you say that work is busy from November through January. Do you work Monday through Friday or do you have to work weekends during that time? If you don't work weekends and you don't have preexisting plans on your sister's preferred date then I think that you should have it then. If you work weekends during those months or you already have plans then I think you are fine to request the earlier weekend.

dltate29 · July 2013

hopeful808:

If you are really concerned about the kids you could offer to find a babysitter to entertain the kids for the hours of the shower. Depending on the length of the shower you could suggest they go to a movie, park, or children's museum. However, it would be up to your sister to agree.

When you say that work is busy from November through January. Do you work Monday through Friday or do you have to work weekends during that time? If you don't work weekends and you don't have preexisting plans on your sister's preferred date then I think that you should have it then. If you work weekends during those months or you already have plans then I think you are fine to request the earlier weekend.

I do work longer hours during the week M-F, and I work a lot of weekends during that time frame. And some of this is dictated by what happens each week so it is really up in the air until things fall into place. Just more stress that gets piled on. I had thought of requesting that the boys help babysit the kids during the hours of the shower. I'm not sure how that will go over with her so I was definitely keeping it as an option if need be.

insertclevername · July 2013

As others have said, I wouldn't make a big deal out of the date. Just take a completely hands off approach to the shower, so all you have to do is get dressed and show up. As for thank you cards, do a handful every night, starting the day of your shower. They will be done in no time.

cpm1223 · July 2013

NY Mama:
As others have said, I wouldn't make a big deal out of the date. Just take a completely hands off approach to the shower, so all you have to do is get dressed and show up. As for thank you cards, do a handful every night, starting the day of your shower. They will be done in no time.

I agree with everyone else about the whole date issue. And I agree with the bolded above. I did this for our wedding shower and wedding thank yous. I did about 5-10/night and I was done in no time! Remember you do have some time to get the thank yous out (2-3 weeks-ish) so don't stress about getting them done and mailed the day after your shower.

nicholssquared · July 2013

From an etiquette standpoint, you have limited options. You have already discussed which date would be best for you with your host - if she insists that the second weekend is the only one that she will do it, you can either accept or decline the shower outright. Ultimately, she is the host, and if you are able to attend at the date that works best for her, you are obligated to do that because it is her money she's spending on travel and the event. If you can make it work at all, go, be gracious, and do the best you can with the thank you notes. However, if you are unable to make it at all due to work, it would also be perfectly appropriate to say, "I really just don't think I will be able to manage all that around that time, so while I appreciate the offer, I will have to decline your offer for a shower". You should not insist that your sister travel at a time that is inconvenient to her as the host - a shower is a gift and a generous one at that, especially since she has to travel. The logic behind this is that it's rude to dictate what gifts you are receiving to gift-givers.

That's the hard-line "ask emily" sort of response. If your family operates differently, then you should do what it comfortable for you and your sister. Good luck!

LittleMommaBlueHen · July 2013

Honestly? You have 2 months from when your sister wants to throw you a shower and your EDD. Even if you only devoted 15 minutes a day to organizing shower gifts and writing thank you notes, you would have more than enough time to get it all done. And if Nov-Jan is a busy time at work, what a nice counterpoint a baby shower makes to all the chaos. It's not like your mom and sister are asking you to plan your own shower during a busy time in your life. They are throwing you a party where you will be literally showered with love and generosity.

As for having kids at your shower, I caution to remember how you feel about this now because if you put your foot down about them coming. When your baby arrives you may be frustrated when you are invited to things that your (s)he is unwelcome at even if it would not be a nuisance at all. Plus, it is fairly normal for children (particularly female children) to be invited to baby showers. I had a slew of little girl cousins at my baby shower when I was pregnant with my first, and they were so happy to get to participate. They were also really helpful carrying gifts to me to open and throwing wrapping paper away. Their presence is something I both remember and cherish about that day. Also, don't you think it is a bit ungracious of you to expect your sister to fly from out of town and throw you a shower but not be allowed to bring her children? If you are really set on them not coming, I would recommend that you both offer to find and pay for childcare for them during your shower.

Jmattis · July 2013

I would feel the same as you. I think it's nice she is throwing you a shower, but your the one It's for, so I has to and should be at a date and time that is good for you not her! I think it would be fine to have one maybe the weekend before Halloween? With the holidays right in the middle of everyone's due date, I'm sure there will be a lot of October baby showers : plus, I'm sure the guests will be happier since it won't interfere with their holiday shopping and plans etc.

waterlily2k2 · July 2013

Jmattis:
I would feel the same as you. I think it's nice she is throwing you a shower, but your the one It's for, so I has to and should be at a date and time that is good for you not her! I think it would be fine to have one maybe the weekend before Halloween? With the holidays right in the middle of everyone's due date, I'm sure there will be a lot of October baby showers : plus, I'm sure the guests will be happier since it won't interfere with their holiday shopping and plans etc.

I agree with this. I completely understand how you're feeling about this whole thing, and I don't think you should be discredited at all about it. I do also understand what pp's are saying as well though. If you're not comfortable with a Nov date, especially since you don't know what your workload will be that weekend, see if some time in Oct would work for your sister. I don't think that's too early at all. As for the kids, I understand your concern about that. But pp's did have some great suggestions for them. You won't enjoy your shower if you're stressed, and you'll end up regretting it and having harsh feelings about it. Yes, being gracious and courteous about it is the right thing to do, especially since you won't be planning it or paying for it. But it is for you, and you should be able to enjoy too.

ccip82 · July 2013

Jmattis:
I would feel the same as you. I think it's nice she is throwing you a shower, but your the one It's for, so I has to and should be at a date and time that is good for you not her! I think it would be fine to have one maybe the weekend before Halloween? With the holidays right in the middle of everyone's due date, I'm sure there will be a lot of October baby showers : plus, I'm sure the guests will be happier since it won't interfere with their holiday shopping and plans etc.

This is what I have such a hard time with. This issue should not be about her. Yes, her schedule should be taken into consideration, but if she is not able to attend when the host wants to plan the shower, then she should decline. According to proper etiquette, the person hosting should have final say in time/date of the event.

Did you even read what the OP's sister is doing?? Flying back with children in tow to help throw the shower. So , yes her sister should pick a weekend that works best for her.

I think OP realizes that the 15th would be the best time for everybody involved and was a very good sport when majority of the people who posted here thought that she should let her sister chose the date that would be most convenient for her and her children.

I'm sorry, but I have such a hard time when people feel that the world should revolve around them just because it is "their" day.

alinafed · July 2013

I think definitely you should do what's convenient for your sister.

Totally normal for your sister's kids to come, I have never been to a baby shower without kids and babies around. I think it is way harder for her to coordinate flying with kids as well as planning your shower so that should take precedence.

As for your work, it sucks it's a busy time but all you really have to do for your own shower is show up so I'm not sure why you feel you would be preoccupied with it.

As for thank you notes you could even start them before it gets busy in October or something - just address the envelopes ahead of time, that alone will save you a big chunk.

They really don't take long, for my bridal shower I had to write about 40 of them and was able to do it in two easy batches. You have quite a bit of time before they have to be out too so you shouldn't stress about them.

dltate29 · July 2013

For everyone involved with this post. I do want to say that I respect everyone's opinion and I cannot thank each of you enough for your thoughts, concerns, and comments.

Luckily, when the date of the shower was discussed it wasn't something we focused on in the conversation so I know it will come up soon and I feel much more prepared to answer this now.

Thank you for taking the time to give me your feedback.

WinsyWade · July 2013

ccip82:
IMHO if you sister is graciously offering to throw you a shower and even willingnbsp;fly to your home town to host, you should be accommodating to the date that is easiest for her. You do not have any other commitments for that date, correct? Is it just because it will be a busier time of year for you? Thank you notes will not take too long to write, you can work on a couple a day and be done within two weeks. Your DH/SO can even help out.In regards to her children coming, I do not see a problem with it at all. Again, it sounds like your sister is putting in a lot of effort on her part for your shower. Also flying with kids is so much easier when you have an extra set of hands helping out. I live overseas and traveling back and forth alone with DD is enough to give me a panic attacks at times!Also, I can completely understand why your sister would not want to have the shower right after Halloween when she has two little girls.nbsp;

I agree with all this.

As for your nieces attending, typically all women/girls are invited to baby showers. That includes your nieces.

nicholssquared · July 2013

ccip82:
Jmattis:
I would feel the same as you. I think it's nice she is throwing you a shower, but your the one It's for, so I has to and should be at a date and time that is good for you not her! I think it would be fine to have one maybe the weekend before Halloween? With the holidays right in the middle of everyone's due date, I'm sure there will be a lot of October baby showers : plus, I'm sure the guests will be happier since it won't interfere with their holiday shopping and plans etc.
This is what I have such a hard time with. This issue should not be about her. Yes, her schedule should be taken into consideration, but if she is not able to attend when the host wants to plan the shower, then she should decline. According to proper etiquette, the person hosting should have final say in time/date of the event.

Agreed. As a gracious guest of honor it is your job to accept with grace an humility any sort of shower anyone is willing to give you, and at the time that is appropriate for them. A great host will accommodate your time & date preferences, but not everyone is able to do that. Seems like your sister is already putting forth a ton of time, money and energy to make this happen for you, so I wouldn't bat an eye if she was unable to make traveling with the two kids without her husband work. Thus, either graciously work with her date, or decline the shower with grace.

Also, small female children of hostess at shower when she traveled = perfectly acceptable and I wouldn't even suggest that she leave them at home or find childcare for them closely when they traveled to see their aunt, too. Again, graciously accept what your host can offer you. Seems like this has already been established by pp, though.

Seems to me like you are very responsive (positively) to the feedback. Thanks for that! Hope everything works out! GL!

Lena122 · July 2013

I think you should reconsider October if it works well for everyone. I personally don't think it's too early. I do think you should be as accommodating as possible to your host but at the same time if that date doesn't work for you then what's the point? You are the guest of honor after all.

I had a 4 year old and a 1 year old at my baby shower and they didn't soak up much attention. I actually liked having the 4 year old there because she helped me unwrap gifts. The one year old was pretty quiet and her mom, aunt, and grandmother handled her fine.

Shayliz · July 2013

I hand wrote my thank you notes, personalized to the gift(s) they gave, and it only took me a few hours on a Saturday night. I threw everything I received into the nursery and went through it little by little on the weekends too. Things that aren't age appropriate yet are in a closet still in the box. I don't think you'll be too overwhelmed with a shower one weekend later.

CaliCarly77 · July 2013

I didn't read all of the comments so someone may have said this. The shower will be at most 3 hours - no one wants to attend a baby shower for longer than that. You will have a good excuse to keep it short as well - work! So just think of it as a 3 hour interruption in your weekend, and hopefully you don't have to drive too far for it.

You will have plenty of time to organize the stuff before/when/after baby gets here.

chelle_chelle5487@hotmail.com · July 2013

Lena122:
I think you should reconsider October if it works well for everyone.

This. DD was also due in Jan and I had mine in the middle of Oct. I didn't think it was too early. It actually gave me plenty of time to gather and buy the things I didn't get. Being due in Jan is hard because Nov and Dec are always full of holiday get togethers and what not. That's why we did mine in Oct. Not to mention my cousin was getting married in Jan and we didn't want both of our showers to be too close to each others.

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