13 weeks, found out husband is unfaithful

scowdeva · July 2013

This may not be the best place to ask, but I am reeling and wondering if anyone out there has any advice. I am 13 weeks today, and found out through Internet account linkages that my husband of 7 years has been posting dating ads and responding to others, paying for Skype sessions, etc. Also has hidden credit card debt to fund all of this and emails blatantly on the computer from as far back as 2009 before I couldn't stomach any more looking. I have known him for 15 years, and honestly feel like the dumbest person alive as I had no clue. This is our first child, hoped for for a long while...and mostly prompted by him.

I guess I don't have a specific question, just feel hopeless and totally lost. This baby that I love so much already, now is a tether to this person that appalls me. I'm filing for formal separation for the financial protection, but mostly needed a safe outlet right now due to mainly mutual friends. Thank you for reading.

aessary03 · July 2013

I have no advice, but I'm sorry for your situation. That's got to be rough.

twinning12 · July 2013

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I can't even imagine what you are feeling right now. Do you have any family you are able to talk to or feel comfortable confiding in? I hope you are able to find support and move forward with a life that is best for you and your baby.

KristaBelieve · July 2013

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

BabyChill · July 2013

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this! I have no idea as to what advice I could ever give. I will keep you and your little one in my prayers!

pbandjsticktogether · July 2013

So sorry to hear this, it is not easy and not fair. But it will get better and being tethered to him is not easy and will drive you crazy but you will never regret this child. I was with mine for 10 years and went through infertility, a loss and then finally my baby and we were divorced by the time he was 2. He just wasn't able to step up and completely changed on me, treating me poorly, etc. Our 8 year old is still my heart and his dad is of no consequence to me or our lives. Prayers and love to you, just take it one day at a time and cherish your little miracle.

BuckeyeANG · July 2013

Oh my gosh I am SO sorry. I wish I had advice or more I could say. I think protecting yourself financially is very smart. Do you have an attorney?

baby2ra · July 2013

esd:
I am so sorry. There is a single parent board that might be good for advice on how to move forward. GL!

I agree about checking out the single parent board. I am so sorry you are going through this. Keep your chin up.

jgraham80 · July 2013

I'm so sorry to hear this. There is no justification for his behavior, but do you know if he actually ever met with any women or was it all "internet" relationships? It's still absolutely 100% awful, but I feel like if I were in your shoes I MIGHT be able to consider working it out if he didn't actually meet anyone. What did he do when you confronted him?

goldenB · July 2013

so sorry you have to go through this.

megngregk · July 2013

I have no words, I'm just very, very sorry...

SvedkaStoli · July 2013

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please hav

e sure you consult a good family law attorney in your state to see how you and the baby can be protected.

July1215 · July 2013

So sorry you have to deal with this. Since you have few IRL friends you can share with, would you be able to see a therapist to give yourself an outlet to discuss your feelings?

halfthetree · July 2013

LadyFilet:
jgraham80:
I'm so sorry to hear this. There is no justification for his behavior, but do you know if he actually ever met with any women or was it all "internet" relationships? It's still absolutely 100% awful, but I feel like if I were in your shoes I MIGHT be able to consider working it out if he didn't actually meet anyone. What did he do when you confronted him?
 
completely disagree!  Being secretive about $ and doing whatever else he was doing is unacceptable regardless of if it was in person or not.
 
You and your baby deserve better.
 
good luck OP, many hugs and support your way <3 

This totally. I would have considered it salvageable after a separation and counselling, but add in the credit cards and what not, no way. You don't deserve that. He doesn't deserve you. He will never gain your trust again and you deserve to trust your partner.

LabPupLuv · July 2013

I can't even fathom what you are going through right now! Definitely talk with an attorney to protect yourself. You are not alone. Our thoughts are with you!

Tallulahsmom · July 2013

I girl I was friends with in high school went through this very thing a few years back. She blogged about it and you might find it helpful and/or inspirational. It took time but she seems far happier in her life now than she was prior to separation. It is www.crazybeautifulstranger.com. Start with her early blog posts. She really is a great person and may be able to offer you some advice and support. I hope this helps you. GL!

rowanthefrog · July 2013

wow. I'm so so sorry. there is another board that I think might be of help to you. www.survivinginfidelity.com.

hugs

lolinshag · July 2013

First of all get the computer to a professional NOW. He can save back ups on whatever is on there. Also may be able to get the passwords to accounts etc. take screen shots of all the profiles he has. Maybe get a close friend or PI to make a fake account and chat him up and then document it. Make copies of all credit card statements etc that you find with charges to these sites. Go to your cell phone company and get a printed put record of the texts he has sent/received. Give everything you find to a ruthless attorney.

Take him for everything plus the kitchen sink! Too many of my friends and my mom! have just wanted it over with quickly when they found out something like this was happening. They didn't fight for a good settlement, just did "no fault". Now they are struggling to pay bills and raise their kids. Get mad! Don't let the hurt numb you into rolling over! If MH ever did this I wouldn't leave him with a pot to pee in!

I am sorry this is happening to you. Just know it is not your fault! Once a person gets a taste of cheating they keep going back, not for sex, but the thrill of getting away with it. Don't let him! Throw on your *** panties and *** kickin boots and hit him where it will hurt for years...his wallet!!!

DamnPrecious · July 2013

Get tested.

twobluelines · July 2013

I am so very sorry that you had to find this out at this time. I hope that you will find the friends you can turn to...even if they are mutual friends, and get the support that you will need to deal with both being pregnant and dealing with infidelity. It is a lot to shoulder on your own and I hope you can find people to support you. Hugs to you.

Jmattis · July 2013

I'm so sorry to hear about such an awful thing happening to you at a time that is supposed to be so wonderful. It sounds like you are a very smart, and strong woman to file separation Most women would have stayed and made the best of it only to divorce in the end. I've dealt with situations in past that were really painful like this and talking to a therapist really helped me as they are a 3rd party and non judge mental. Stay strong and ill keep you in my TP's. XO

frenchielove777 · July 2013

I'm so sorry that this is happening...mens are so stupid sometimes. You sound like a wonderful mom-to-be and a smart woman - HIS loss. You're the one with the biggest prize of them all (your baby), which you still will get to walk away with.

Agree with PPs...get as much information as you can and get to a kick a** attorney. Get yourself taken care of first and foremost - you and baby are #1. Sending positive vibes your way.

jgraham80 · July 2013

Stephanie185:
LadyFilet:

jgraham80:
I'm so sorry to hear this. There is no justification for his behavior, but do you know if he actually ever met with any women or was it all "internet" relationships? It's still absolutely 100% awful, but I feel like if I were in your shoes I MIGHT be able to consider working it out if he didn't actually meet anyone. What did he do when you confronted him?

completely disagree! Being secretive about $ and doing whatever else he was doing is unacceptable regardless of if it was in person or not.

You and your baby deserve better.

good luck OP, many hugs and support your way

This totally. I would have considered it salvageable after a separation and counselling, but add in the credit cards and what not, no way. You don't deserve that. He doesn't deserve you. He will never gain your trust again and you deserve to trust your partner.

Perhaps it was read incorrectly, because NOTHING I said was meant to imply it was online it was ok. I asked for clarification because I "MIGHT" be able to work it out if he was not meeting with women, etc. It's obviously still being unfaithful, but "working it out" does not mean immediate forgiveness. It means therapy, separation, whatever it takes if you think you could eventually find forgiveness. I don't know if I could and never said that anyone else should either, I simply asked for clarification on how he reacted and what the extent of the unfaithfulness is.

scowdeva · July 2013

I thank you all for your responses, especially for the blog recommendations. To answer a few questions:
I actually make significantly more money am a doc actually so financially he will be the one at a loss.
I was able to do my own forensics, have more than enough documentation that has been hidden that he can't access now to protect myself if necessarily. He claims it was all online only, but I don't think it really matters to me. I think it's sad he would pay for someone to strip or whatever but its really not different than strip clubsthis was electronic only. My main concern is that I have baseline trust issues and I feel that this goes so deep and was so long standing that the years it would take for me to attempt to deal with it wouldn't be worth it. The credit card was used for online sex type "dirty talk" session stuff and him hiding smoking from me which I hate and is actually pretty low level money but it was the "hiddenness" of it that was bothersome.

I have no interest in "taking him for what he's worth" because I honestly know and believe taking away myself and his primary custody of the child he wants so badly is way worse than any financial incentive would be. I just want to be able to have a civil coparenting situation because sadly outside of his sex "addiction" issues he will be an excellent father hence the initial interest as husband material in the first place. A husband does not make a father necessarily, at least to me.

salsamommy · July 2013

I've been dealing with a similar situation ... the trust is gone and it's so hard to deal with ...

but the only real advice I can give is stay strong for that LO ... the baby needs you to be at your best and strongest in order to grow!! My DS and this LO is what keeps me going strong and I do it for them!!

LeannFran · July 2013

I am so terribly sorry for what you're going through! I would not ever wish that on my worst enemy as my brother just went through this same kind of thing. Sending thoughts and prayers your way, to you and baby.

jgraham80 · July 2013

scowdeva:
I thank you all for your responses, especially for the blog recommendations. To answer a few questions: I actually make significantly more money am a doc actually so financially he will be the one at a loss. I was able to do my own forensics, have more than enough documentation that has been hidden that he can't access now to protect myself if necessarily. He claims it was all online only, but I don't think it really matters to me. I think it's sad he would pay for someone to strip or whatever but its really not different than strip clubsthis was electronic only. My main concern is that I have baseline trust issues and I feel that this goes so deep and was so long standing that the years it would take for me to attempt to deal with it wouldn't be worth it. The credit card was used for online sex type "dirty talk" session stuff and him hiding smoking from me which I hate and is actually pretty low level money but it was the "hiddenness" of it that was bothersome. I have no interest in "taking him for what he's worth" because I honestly know and believe taking away myself and his primary custody of the child he wants so badly is way worse than any financial incentive would be. I just want to be able to have a civil coparenting situation because sadly outside of his sex "addiction" issues he will be an excellent father hence the initial interest as husband material in the first place. A husband does not make a father necessarily, at least to me.

Thanks for the clarification. I would definitely have trouble trusting again, especially if it goes far back. There's definitely no excuse. It sounds like you truly have a good head on your shoulders and it's wonderful that you can separate what he did to you and how he will be as a father. I'm so sorry that this happened to you and no matter what happens, you sound like a strong woman who will do what's best for you and your baby. Best of luck!!

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