Who is in your delivery room and is it causing problems?

Livinginclip84 · July 2013

I had always assumed I would have my husband and possibly my mother in my delivery room with me. Which never seemed like a problem to me before. However now my mother in law keeps dropping hints about being in the delivery room. Both myself and Hubby have been completely honest with her and told her that I really only want my husband and my mother in the delivery room. And every time I tell her, she adds something like, "Oh, I know, but it would be so nice to see my first grandchild born." Which is fine, but relatively passive.. But then she goes back to my FIL and complains to him and then he calls my husband... etc. the circle is ongoing. This would be only one thing, if it was not combined with everything else she does. For example, telling me at the last family gathering, "Wow, I cant even tell your 5 months pregnant, you just look like you put your weight back on." (I lost some weight before I got pregnant.) Or pushing us to name the baby after her.

Anyone else have an intrusive mil who is making their lives and pregnancy more difficult then it should be.

Jmo30 · July 2013

Well I'm not having this problem but this is my 2nd but 1st for DH so I am ok with my mom and his. My mom is a given but DH has a problem with me having either moms. He prefers its just us two but I want my mother regardless so that's why I said his mom could come also. So not sure what will happen but I feel since I'm going through labor I should have who I want and if they don't want to be there then that's their decision.

Livinginclip84 · July 2013

I completely agree with you- ie. it being your delivery room so you should chose.

I guess I would not be so opposed to my MIL beng in there if our relationship was better. She talks crap about me to my SIL, she lets me know that I ruined hubby's faith. For the record, I am Jewish, he was an atheist when we met- neither one of us are religious. I have no family values-- we are both liberal democrats.etc. I know that she will be in my little one's life and frankly, I love the idea of grandparents and want them involved, but honestly, my hubby and mil do not have a great relationship and I just do not want that kind of negative karma in my delivery room..

hollowway · July 2013

I already put my foot down and said it is only N in the delivery room. I also hurt a few feelings by telling people we aren't accepting visitors at the hospital after she's born. They can wait the two days til we get home.

ladybugpeaches · July 2013

I think I have this issue with my own mother. Frankly, I don't want her in there. She is controlling and is in no way, shape or form sympathetic. I don't need someone in there telling me to suck it up while I'm in pain, or her telling me that she did it 5 times without medicine if I decide to get the epidural. We talked about it, my sister shared her horror stories of having our mom in there, and I don't want to deal with it. My mom was offended, but I just told her flat out that I'm going to want a calm, stress-free environment, and she would not be able to provide that. She was upset, but like someone else said, it is my delivery, and I'm the one who needs to feel as comfortable as possible. Plus, my mother and I don't have that great a relationship anyway.

My MIL, on the other hand, I would like her to be there, but she said she doesn't know because she doesn't like seeing people in pain. She's the sweetest little lady ever! But, it's now her decision. She is welcome in there.

McJen715 · July 2013

Just my H. That's all I had in the room with DD1 also. I didn't want everyone up in my business. No matter what everyone said about not caring who was in the room I still felt the same way after delivery about wanting privacy. I think my mom was disappointed at first but I told her, and everyone else, early on who I wanted in the room and they all respected my wishes.

KallieandJustin · July 2013

DS1 we had my DH an my BFF she took pics for us and then since I had a csection with DS2, it was just me and my DH. This time, just my DH and our photographer not to take pics of the graphics, but first moments...she is a friend too.

DebateThis · July 2013

melisx33:
I'm only having H in the room when I actually start pushing, we are the only two that created this child and I want it to be our experience. My mother and MIL went through their own delivery before.
I don't think it's fair that some PP say "your delivery room, your decision." You wouldn't be in that delivery room if it wasn't for your significant other, they should have just as much input on who's in there as you.

LMFAO. Yeah, no. My vagina and boobs in full naked display = MY decision on who sees it, NOT my husband's. I don't give a good goddanm about "fair".

Also, birth is a medical event, not an ice cream social.

KatieintheCity · July 2013

Just me and DH. No one has given us trouble about it or asked otherwise.

Mytaras · July 2013

KatieintheCity:
Just me and DH. No one has given us trouble about it or asked otherwise.

This! And if someone did give me a hard time I would put my foot down in a loving way.

Ninjamama86 · July 2013

My husband and my older sister, who is also my best friend . My husband and I both come from 'broken homes' and together We have 5 moms, 3 dads, and 4 sisters. WAY too many people in one room and I honestly don't want to be dealing with them during the delivery. They can draw straws as to the order they come in to visit us afterwards.

sands42 · July 2013

My MIL is not around at all... My daughter has never even met her. But in your case I would tell my husband he needs to be the one to put his foot down since its his mom. She should really be butting out since youve clearly stated how you feel. And if you want to look on the bright side it sounds like you will have a very involved, loving grandma. And I can tell you how much better it feels to be leaving your child w a family member than with it sitter. It's someone who loves and wants to spend time with them... Plus its free lol Just to put a positive spin on a very annoying situation you've got going on!!

TobieRose · July 2013

Not having these specific problems, but I totally feel your pain. Once my MIL attended one of DS's doctor's appointments (3 month checkup I think?) and walked into the exam room with me totally uninvited. She took pictures of him when he was naked on the scale. The only reason I didn't put my foot down was because we'd just had an argument about something else and I didn't have the energy.

My only advice would be that your DH needs to not let FIL complain on the phone. Say something like, "We've talked about this, no more discussion." Don't let any part of the cycle happen that you can control! Other than that, it sounds like you're doing what you can.

chatita_78 · July 2013

DebateThis:
melisx33:
I'm only having H in the room when I actually start pushing, we are the only two that created this child and I want it to be our experience. My mother and MIL went through their own delivery before.
I don't think it's fair that some PP say "your delivery room, your decision." You wouldn't be in that delivery room if it wasn't for your significant other, they should have just as much input on who's in there as you.
LMFAO. Yeah, no. My vagina and boobs in full naked display = MY decision on who sees it, NOT my husband's. I don't give a good goddanm about "fair".
Also, birth is a medical event, not an ice cream social.

This!!! I mean come on your vagina is on full display, pooping on the table, body fluid everywhere. It is not your job to hostess with the mostest... its your job to deliver your baby. It is a very stressful, painful but the most special miracle. You don't need to be guilted in this nor do you need to feel badly about it. She will get over it someday and If she doesn't WHATEVER!!! She will hold and get to love her "first grandchild" for the rest of her life. she is going to miss other events too. so suck it up and deal with it. You don't want to regret one of the most incredible moments of your life. Bottom line you need to feel comfortable!

cagoldi · July 2013

Woodsie:
Your husband needs to shut.it.down. It's only an ongoing discussion if you allow it to be. You both need to put your foot down and be a team about it. This is just the beginning, trust me. Don't start a precedence of letting her whine and guilt you into letting her get her way.

Completely agree. My Mom will be there as well as my DH but that's the way I want it. When I asked DH about hiring a doula, he said he is fine with the idea but that he thought my Mom would be just as good, if not better, support. I would be okay with my sisters being there as well, but I think they are slightly freaked out about labor.

If anyone else has a problem with this then that is just too bad. It isn't up for discussion.

NL105 · July 2013

Inkogneetoh:
I'm only having H in there. We rarely see MIL so I know it wouldn't be an issue.
Next time she mentions it, just ignore the comment and move on. If she pushes the issue "I've made my decision and it's not up for discussion", and repeat until she gets the hint.
Your H needs to take the same approach when FIL calls about it as well.

Exactly this. Her feelings may be hurt for a while but if she's anything of an adult, she'll get over it. She's clearly oblivious to the fact that she's being rude and intrusive.

Only DH and the necessary drs. & nurses will be in the delivery room with us. This is our first, but this is the only way we'll have it for any birth after this. My mom is my best friend (very close with our parents in general) but she, like me, believes this should be a time shared between significant others, if you have one. So luckily we're all on the same page when it comes to who's in the delivery room. We are planning on inviting our parents to see the baby after she's born though- only after DH and I have had some time to bond alone with her though.

On a side note, I feel like I'm constantly reading about in-law issues... I'm thankful every day that our parents aren't crazy, rude or obnoxious and are actually normal! I don't know how some women get through the craziness!

Chargersgrl33 · July 2013

I've been so lucky because I don't have family that lives anywhere near me so they won't fight for this. But when it comes down to it, this is my husband and my child. Therefore we will be the only ones ever (other than docs/nurses of course) in my delivery room.

Princess_Lily · July 2013

Just DH and I for the pushing part, any family is welcome though during the waiting period.

During pushing, I need complete focus and my mom is a bundle of nerves when under stressful events, which I will pick up on.

ElizabethLewis · July 2013

My problem is my boyfriend and my mother. They can not stand each other and are both very opinionated. I have decided that it will just be me and my bf but have not found a way to tell my mother that.

SwimSurfSmile · July 2013

DebateThis:
melisx33:
I'm only having H in the room when I actually start pushing, we are the only two that created this child and I want it to be our experience. My mother and MIL went through their own delivery before.
I don't think it's fair that some PP say "your delivery room, your decision." You wouldn't be in that delivery room if it wasn't for your significant other, they should have just as much input on who's in there as you.
LMFAO. Yeah, no. My vagina and boobs in full naked display = MY decision on who sees it, NOT my husband's. I don't give a good goddanm about "fair".
Also, birth is a medical event, not an ice cream social.

Agree 100% birth is NOT an ice cream social. Ps I love this saying and it made me laugh so hard water may or may not have come out of my nose...I can't read the bump while drinking or eating :-)

chatita_78 · July 2013

If all else fails you can tell the nurses on the big day and they will be sure to follow your wishes and play the bad cop for you.

mh89 · July 2013

Popping in from the December due date group..

With my first baby it was just DH and I, thankfully my MIL didn't ask to be part of the experience and I told my mom no. She would have driven me nuts had she been there. She's very condescending and would have been so obnoxious and stress inducing. The one doctor's appointment I let her come to she treated me like I was an idiotic child for asking the doctor legitimate questions - she laughed at me! F that. No one in the delivery room but my husband and I.

We deal with enough stress and pain and awkwardness during labor, if you don't want your mother in law there staring at your hooha while you push, it's your body and your choice. Get your husband on board and tell her that no means no.

nmorse7 · September 2013

I plan on having my husband and mother in-law in the room with me. With my first two I had my ex-husband ( their father) only in the room with me. It is a miracle day and it is completely up to you who you want in there with you.

1sloqwen · September 2013

Just the hubby! The last thing I want is drama when I'm trying to work through contractions. Plus I don't need everyone seeing me spread eagle and looking my worst.

ranaverde · September 2013

It'll be my husband, a doula, and whatever medical personnel are necessary. I don't need a lot of people fussing over me, as I know I'd find it more distracting than helpful. I'm grateful that both my mother and my mother-in-law have their big girl panties on and are perfectly fine with this.

GopherBaby13 · September 2013

I guess I don't understand when someone says that they don't want so and so there because their vagina will be on display. Unless you are in the pushing phase of labor or in the tub, your vagina is not on display. During the times I have been in the room when friends/family have given birth, I never saw a thing because a blanket was covering them.

In my case, I don't care who comes in and out of the room. However, when I'm pushing, it will be just my SO and his sister. I would even have his mom there over my own mother but that would cause irreparable damage to my relationship with my mother.

14Skittlez · September 2013

I want to have my SO my mother and his mother in the room... But if I can only have 2 I've made the decision for it just to be me and SO so neither mother feels favored and what not but I would rather have my mom their since it's my first baby and her first grand child....

Karadee1 · September 2013

Some family members tend to forget that this is YOUR body and you being a patient in a hospital, birthing center, whatever. You absolutely have the last say in who gets to be in the room at any time. I will not be comfortable with family just coming to hang out in my room no matter what phase of labor I'm in, I want to spend that time with just DH.

Stay strong in what you're comfortable with, use the hospital staff to help you when it comes down to it if you need to.

3Dewdrops · September 2013

GopherBaby13 said:

I guess I don't understand when someone says that they don't want so and so there because their vagina will be on display. Unless you are in the pushing phase of labor or in the tub, your vagina is not on display. During the times I have been in the room when friends/family have given birth, I never saw a thing because a blanket was covering them. In my case, I don't care who comes in and out of the room. However, when I'm pushing, it will be just my SO and his sister. I would even have his mom there over my own mother but that would cause irreparable damage to my relationship with my mother.

Everything was definitely on display when I had my youngest! You get checked often, breaking your water, switching positions, etc. At one time I literally had to get on my hands and knees with my butt in the air because baby's heart rate was dropping. These are all prior to the delivery stage. There is NO way I would let anyone but DH in that room. Even then I didn't like him seeing me like that.

strngysgurl · September 2013

With DS I had my two sisters, mom, and DH. I said I didn't care who was at the hospital, but they were the only ones I wanted in my room. I ended up having to force DH to kick out his mom and male cousin, because I was feeling the urge to push. This time, I am not too worried about it, as I have intentions to spend as much time in the tub and out of bed as possible. I highly doubt his cousin wants to see that! Haha also, while I will be inviting my sisters and mom again, I think I will make it a rule that they're only in the bathroom if I want them to be or they're taking pictures. It'd be too crowded with extra people..

lafsalot · September 2013

MaMaBear1323 said:
I already put my foot down and said it is only N in the delivery room. I also hurt a few feelings by telling people we aren't accepting visitors at the hospital after she's born. They can wait the two days til we get home.

I really wish DH would tell his family to stay away the first day.... I will be exhausted and we should be allowed to bond without them. I asked my family including my mom to stay home, she was fine with it.

lilybeth12 · September 2013

Only me, mh, and the medical team. I dont think it wld even cross my mil's mind to ask. Which is a part of why we get on so well

rbtrumpet · September 2013

agree with PPs who are saying you and YH need to present a united front to your MIL "the decision has been made, and these are the people who will be there. You can come after baby is born." end of discussion.

I'm very lucky in that 1) neither of my family lives close enough to make it to the hospital while I'm in labor (1/2 way across the country from my parents, and all the way across the country from MIL) and 2) even if we were close, my mom and MIL both want NOTHING to do with the labor/delivery. They are both perfectly happy to see baby once she's here.

I really don't understand why people want to witness other people's births. Both my mom and MIL are like "no, it's OK, we remember that, we don't need to see it again."

Just me and DH (and medical people) - and that's what we want!

kabrissette · September 2013

DebateThis said:

melisx33:
I'm only having H in the room when I actually start pushing, we are the only two that created this child and I want it to be our experience. My mother and MIL went through their own delivery before.
I don't think it's fair that some PP say "your delivery room, your decision." You wouldn't be in that delivery room if it wasn't for your significant other, they should have just as much input on who's in there as you.
LMFAO. Yeah, no. My vagina and boobs in full naked display = MY decision on who sees it, NOT my husband's. I don't give a good goddanm about "fair".

This. Exactly what @DebateThis said. I've seen this debate on the board before and for me it's a no brainer - I'm the one undergoing a medical event with all my parts on display, I make the call on who is there. Period.

Not to mention that fear and discomfort during labor can slow the process and add complications. Mom needs to be comfortable in order to properly bring baby into the world and true family and friends should be understanding of that.

jennifertewart · September 2013

Will be just DH and I. I mentioned possibly having my mom in there for my support, but DH put his foot down and said it was just going to be him and I sharing the experience. The more I think about it the more I agree with him! It is an intimate moment that should only be shard between the two of us.

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