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BM lying question...WWYD??

docco11docco11 member
in Blended Families

In-laws called last night with some interesting news.  They told us that BM pulled D out of school for a week near the end of the year, telling the school that D, BM, and BM's baby were coming to visit us for a week.  And she was gone for a week from school.  When D went back to school, she told everyone how much fun she had seeing MH and all the fun things they did.

Only problem, they didn't come visit and this was never even talked about.

MIL found this out yesterday as she goes to the same Dr as D.  Dr made a comment about how it was so great that MH and I would welcome EXW and her baby into our home for a week, despite the history (small town, everyone knows the back story).  MIL was speechless and couldn't really say much. 

FIL works for the school and looked up the attendance records, sure enough, she was gone for a week and reason being "out of town visiting Dad". Whether this is right or wrong, the school therapist that she sees also happened to be in the building yesterday and so FIL casually asked her about the "visit". Therapist said "oh yes, D said it was the best time. Such a difference compared to last year's visit" (some of you may remember the drama there). WTF??

MH had not heard from D or ExW in 3 months. No return calls, texts, etc.  On Sunday, he finally got ExW on the phone and talked to D for less than a minute. All that ExW said about D is that she has a "lying problem". Egh, ya, no sh8t?? I wonder where she learns this from!  I wonder where BM told her husband that she was taking D and the baby, and where they really went.  New husband has 2 kids in the same school, same teachers, so I really do think she went somewhere with the D and the baby. The 2 kids would have "ratted" D out of she was just sitting at home all day.

MH just basically shook his head and rolled his eyes.  I, on the other hand, am furious.  Do we call her out on the lie or just leave it since it was 2 months ago now?  We know we can't control what BM does, but, D is deeply disturbed as it is and BM is contributing to the madness!  She won't tell MH who the new therapist is that D sees, or, we would call the therapist and fill her/him in on the truth. 

 

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Re: BM lying question...WWYD??

  • hopankahopanka member
    If your H just shook his head and this is HIS daughter, why are YOU furious and contemplating pursuing this further? This is between the two parents. It has nothing to do with you.
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member

    What does the CO state?  Most CO's have in it that the father is entitled to all any any medical information.  He has a rite to know.  Why is he not filing contempt to find out where and why? 

    And why is your husband not filing contempt to talk to his daughter on a regular basis and not seeing her more?  Do you live states away? 

    If he does not have a CO in place, he needs to get one.

    As far as the lying - yes, if I were your DH, I'd be calling her out and letting her know her lie is out and you know about it and  that you all are not covering for it. The truth is out.  He may even ask her to not include you all in her lies anymore unless she doesn't care to be outted. His daughter should know the same.

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • docco11docco11 member

    Yes, we live states away.  DH is not D's bio-dad, he adopted her and was married to ExW for less than 2 years, before he found out that she was having an affair their entire marriage. D and MH do not have a typical relationship, she is 14, MH was in her life for 3 years is all.  1, dating her mom, and then 2 after they were married.  During that 2 years, he travel M-F for work, and was home only on the weekends.  We pay child support and that is about it.  There is no father/daughter bond.

    I am furious bc this DOES affect me.  We tried to have a relationship with her, however, her therapist (the old one now, who wasn't tell BM and D what they wanted to hear, so she started seeing a new one) said that for MY legal protection, she should not be in our home with me.  There was also concern expressed about her harming our dog.

    I guess my point is I am furious bc I am caught in the middle of all of this.  D's lies and in the past, it's been at MY expense.  Of course this girl is not going to get better if her mother contributes to her lies. 

    There is no really no need to file contempt.  The girl is 14, BM isn't not allowing her to not talk, she just chooses to not answer the phone when MH calls.  I'll have to look at the CO and see what it says about medical releases.

    Yes, MH just shook his head, I shouldn't care.  But, when all of her lies in the past affect me personally as well as potentially legally and professionally had her therapist not been smart enough to see through the lies, I tend to get a little worked up when her mother knowingly contributes to her illness.

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  • +just+j++just+j+ member

    Your husband has obviously checked out of this relationship. 

    My CO states that both parents are to allow reasonable communication with the other parent. If one restricts this, even if it's just not answering the phone, that's reason to file contempt. It's becoming clear your husband doesn't care to do this. Same with the medical. If he really cared, he would have pursued legal action to find out what is going on and fight to get his child the proper care. 

    If he refuses to do any of this, you need to retreat yourself and get on with your life. My 23 year old XSD still to this day will tell lies about me.  I haven't talked to her in over a year.  I have no interest in what she says. Even the lies.  I have figured that the people that believe her are not worth worrying about and there are many who see thru her crap and have determined themselves that she is very disturbed focusing on someone who is not concerned with her anymore.

    I know it's easier said than done, but really, you need to find away to remove yourself from this as much as possible. For your own sanity.

     

     

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • Ginlyn0Ginlyn0 member
    It seems obvious that your DH is not vested in continuing a relationship and is only doing what is legally required of him since he made the legal choice to adopt. Are you just mad because he is paying CS for a child that isn't his and he doesn't see? Leave it alone.
    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

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  • xmaryrickxxmaryrickx member
    Your husband is done. He is making that clear. He has four more years of CS payments to make and then he will be able to sever all ties completely. You need to accept it and move on.
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