Frustrated - NBFR

CFjo2010 · July 2013

Every day while I'm at work I leave the kids a list of chores that they need to do. Nothing ridiculous: empty/load dishwasher, do their laundry, swiffer the kitchen and eating area, water plants, etc. Normal stuff that has to be done every day. And each day, they haven't finished their list. Yesterday I got home from work and they didn't even pretend to half-@ss the chores. The only thing they did was empty the dryer. They claimed they "didn't have enough time". So to prove a point I did their chores. In less than one hour I did half the list.

They were supposed to go spend the weekend with my parents, but I told them they aren't going. Instead they are going to spend the weekend doing the chores they didn't do all week. I let my parents know the kids aren't coming up and now my mom is giving me grief for punishing them (my parents).

I don't feel that going to Gma and Gpa's is a treat or a punishment. It's a simple matter of business didn't get taken care of, and until everything is done properly they can't move on to the next thing. Example: I can't leave work and go home until all my work is done. And I feel like letting the kids slide on this is actually punishing me because who is going to go through and do all the stuff they didn't do? Me. The actual punishment is that DS is losing his new iphone and all gaming privileges and DD is losing her ipod and the trip with friends next week.

Thoughts?

CFjo2010 · July 2013

dbliesmer:
This happened a lot with me, H and SD. My H would always use the punishment of you can't go to my parent's because you didn't do xyz. My parents were always used as the punishment for anything she did wrong. In a way I kind of disagree with punishing them by not letting them go. Maybe they can go and some other punishment can be done. Like your mom said, it's punishing the grandparent's as well. Especially if the visit has been planned for awhile.
I tend to use the punishment of taking things away. At 9, if my SD doesn't do her chores then she doesn't get her ipod for x amount of time or I take away tv time. I think a punishment needs to be done for them to learn that there are consequences for not doing your chores or being responsible.

I'm also taking away the iphone, ipod, gaming time and activity for next week with their friends. But if they get to go away for the weekend and have fun with Gma and Gpa, leaving me to do all the stuff they were supposed to have done, isn't that the same as rewarding them?

CFjo2010 · July 2013

dbliesmer:
jobalchak:
I'm also taking away the iphone, ipod, gaming time and activity for next week with their friends. But if they get to go away for the weekend and have fun with Gma and Gpa, leaving me to do all the stuff they were supposed to have done, isn't that the same as rewarding them?
Is there a way you could get some of it done before hand with them? Then they can finish it after?
I see your point, you don't want to reward them. I just know for me my H always used that as a punishment and my Mom got to the point that she was getting hurt because plans were always changed. If it's going to only be this one time as a punishment then maybe it is the best for now. Maybe just don't make a habit of it.

I get what you're saying, but they've already proven that unless I'm watching them do the chores they aren't going to do them. They would be coming home Sunday night and then I'm back at work Monday morning. The cycle will continue and they still would have had the weekend off. And truthfully, I already did half their list yesterday, and I'm not doing anymore of it. I have my own household chores that DH and I have to do.

My parents see the kids pretty frequently. And it's only my mom that's upset. My dad totally gets it and is like, "If they can't do their work over their, I don't want them here messing stuff up and not cleaning up after themselves". Hopefully this will be the "wake up" call they need to realize that they can't just go run to Gma and Gpa whenever they don't want to do things?

CFjo2010 · July 2013

I feel like I should offer a bit of backstory to explain why this bothers me so much...

My mom has this weird sense of entitlement/ownership when it comes to my kids. She gets mad when I don't let the kids spend their entire Spring Break or Winter Break with her and my dad. Whenever I try and explain to her that I want to spend time with my kids during their breaks she says, "But you see them all the time." It's been an ongoing issue since I got married. She doesn't do this with my niece or nephew, just my kids.

ReeseFox · July 2013

I have similar issues with my mom. She cops an attitude everytime I remind her that DD1 can't leave anywhere for the weekend before her bedroom and bathroom are cleaned. That's been the rule for a year now, and she knows it, but she wants me to make an exception every time. Recently she got pissy with me because DD has to go to summer school for 3 weeks this month and apparently that interferes with her plans to take her somewhere on a long weekend (news to me). I guess I was supposed to inform her of DD's schedule. Um seriously? I don't have to justify my kid's schedule to you, however if YOU want to schedule something with my kid, you need to ASK me. And no mom, you do not trump the rules and decisions that I, her parent, have made for her.

Littlejen22 · July 2013

I would take away everything else but not Grandparents because that relationship can be more beneficial than many things in life.

Ilumine · July 2013

dbliesmer:
Like your mom said, it's punishing the grandparent's as well. Especially if the visit has been planned for awhile.

Spending time with the grandchildren is not a right. It is at the approval of the parents.

Who is this grandmother to think that HER time with the kids is more important than the MOTHER trying to teach her children how to be responsible human beings?

My mother would have offered up this solution - if you do not have time to get your chores done, you do not have time to spend with me - because she knows that it is more important to me (her daughter) AND less taxing on me (her daughter) to get this lesson learned.

Ilumine · July 2013

Littlejen22:
I would take away everything else but not Grandparents because that relationship can be more beneficial than many things in life.

Then missing out this one time might just do the trick.

Lavender P · July 2013

I don't think it is too harsh at all. Can you make an agreement with your parents so that they can get the kids the following weekend but not tell the kids? Then tell the kids if they get everything done that they they were supposed to, they can go to the grandparent's house the next wek. I would also have them write an apology to your parents saying they are sorry that they had to cancel their plans, but they did not get there chores done. Their poor choices have an effect on more then just themselves.

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