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Working Moms
MrsSDgirl
member
Difficult situation/ vent
MrsSDgirl
member
in Working Moms
I know I don't post a lot on this board, but a situation has come up and I just needed to vent, and perhaps get some advice. Here's the back story:
We live in SoCal, very near the coast. My DH has been looking for a new job for a long time as it is VERY expensive to live here and we are barely making ends meet. He has been offered, and has accepted, a new job about an hour and a half away (think WAY east). This is a wonderful opportunity for him. It's more money, more benefits, lots of room for advancement, etc. They're also offering him a nice sum for relocation, free rent in a three bedroom house for three months, and they will pay for him to get his MBA. Sounds great, right? The problem is, I'm not sure I really want to go! There is so much to get done. We have to put our townhouse up for sale, and hope that it sells fast. I have to quit my job (which I've been at for 13 years!) and find another job in the new area ASAP. We have to pull the boys from daycare and preschool and find new places for them. I love where we live right now, but it's so expensive. I'm just overwhelmed, and I hate the idea of uprooting the boys, especially with all of these unknowns. I know this is such a good opportunity for him, and he would be crazy to turn it down, so I'm going along with it because, hopefully, in the long run it will benefit the whole family. We could, potentially, buy a really nice house in the new area where we would never be able to do that here. But, I guess I'm just scared of change. The plan, for now, is for me to stay here with the boys until the townhouse sells and I find a new job. He'll move into the rental house during the week and come back here on the weekends. Defiantly not my ideal situation. Any thought on how to make this easier? Thanks for listening.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Difficult situation/ vent
The job is 90 minutes away and you are thinking of relocating? Why?
I commute 90 minutes by train, totally do able.
Can you rent a place 45 minutes away so you are both equidistant from your jobs?
We were in a similar situation a couple of years ago. I had a job I liked, coworkers I liked, etc, and DH got a job offer which would require us to relocate. I totally feel your pain. Transitions like that are SOOO hard, especially if you'll be further away from family. Have you given any thought to what you might do for work? Would you be able to take a little time off to get used to your new city? Good luck and I'm sorry about the stress
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Yeah, that would not be possible. With traffic it would easily be 2+ hours. There is no train. Plus we have to worry about drop off and pick up for two different kids at two different places.
Thanks to all for the advice and encouragement. Knowing that other people go through this makes me feel a little bit better.
I completely get that. DH is currently working in DC, where traffic is horrendous like yours, and a 65-mile drive can take as long as three hours. In our case, he is on a project which will end after 3 more years so we are not relocating, but in the meantime he mostly stays down there because otherwise he spends most of his life in the car and has to leave before we're up and get home around the time DS goes to bed anyway.
I cut back my work hours so I can better function as sole caregiver during the week, my dad helps me a lot on the days I do work, and DH takes up the slack where he can but frankly I don't expect much from him around the house these days. While you guys are living apart, I would suggest recruiting as much help as you can, and then planning a couple of days during the week when you can go interviewing and looking for schools/DC/etc. Get as much done as far as laundry, shopping, etc. on the weekends or on lunch break so you don't have to do it solo with the kids in the evening.
Also, since you have been with your company for so long, is there a possibility of negotiating telecommuting? My friend was able to do that when she had to move for her DH's job, but of course this will depend on what you do, your company culture, etc. Just thought I wold throw it out there.
I hope it all works out for you!
I wish I could telecommute. But, I work in a lab, so unless I can bring my lab bench into my house(!), it just won't work. Thanks, though, for the idea. I actually got an email for a part time work from home job yesterday, and I actually considered it (perhaps out of desperation). But, I quickly realized it was, of coarse, a scam. (Duh!) I've been applying like mad to jobs in the new area, but no bites so far.
Before you uproot your life why not let him drive back and forth and make sure he actually likes the job?
Plenty of people in the NYC area drive 2+ hours and it doesn't kill them. Why dive up a job you've had and liked for 13 years without a test run first?
This is the plan. Well, he'll live up there during the week, and come back here on the weekend. I'm not going to give up my job yet. I've worked too damn hard to get where I'm at to give it up so easily.
I would have no problem with him driving back and forth each day if we didn't have kids. But, the cost of gas alone would kill us! And, he would never see the kids! So, having him stay up there during the week will, at least, save on gas since he wouldn't really be able to see the kids any way.
Other options you can consider:
rent your house out instead of selling (in case new job is not a good fit and you want to move back)
For your own job search- alumni associations, linked in, bulletin boards/forums, networking through current job, ask for a leave of absence (again until certain of new loc)
GL with everything! I certainly understand the amount of stress you are feeling. Stay positive. This could be a great opportunity and lifestyle for all of you!
I think it sounds like a great opportunity for your DH and a fun adventure! It will be stressful, but it won't last forever. As long as you think you'll be able to find a job, and sell your townhome without a ton of trouble or financial stress, I'd say go for it. Maybe you guys could save more $ while living east, and then be able to afford to move closer to the coast once the kids are older?
Also - there is no way I'd commute 90 minutes each way. NO WAY.
DS born Dec 10, 2013
This is relative. Dh has a 90 minute commute and it is horrible for him and our family. I personally would not choose a 90 minute commute if it can be avoided at all. Dh's office relocated on him a year after we bought our house.
As for your options, I think the main question is if you can find a job in the new area. I would probably work pretty hard to explore your options there. If it seems like there might be a good option, then I think I'd consider the move. If it doesn't work out, you can always relocate again later on, but it sounds like a great opportunity for your dh and you might enjoy your lifestyle having more financial freedom. The daycare switch is hard, but kids are very resilient and will be fine. We just switched ds's daycare (didn't move, just needed to switch) and he did great. Now, if there are no job options for you or you won't be happy there, then that's another story and I'd say your dh needs to keep looking. Both of you deserve to be happy and successful.
You can do it!!! Think of it like an adventure that is for the benefit of your family in the long run. 90 min is really not that far (I have to admit when you wrote "WAY east" I assumed you meant the east coast and then saw the 90 min drive lol).
When my twins were 2 1/2 we moved to a different state for a promotion for MH that has & will benefit our family but it was not a state we wanted to live in, and we did it b/c of what it would mean for us in the long run. He moved here 4 months before I did and I had to deal w/ the house being on the market, getting the kids to & from daycare every day (though I had a pretty flexible hr job at the time thank goodness, there was only 1 morning a week that I had to be there really early/at a specific time), etc. He came back on the weekends, then we all moved up there after the house closed, etc.
I am not going to lie, it was not easy (actually it was harder after we moved than in that interim time when I was alone) and there was adjustment to a new school, new house, new area, I had to find a new job in a place where I knew no one, etc. It put a bit of stress on our family & our marriage for sure, but as long as you know it will be a challenge, you can work w/ it. However, I really have tried to focus on all the good things about it (usually) and kids are resilient & adjust!!!
GL- it sounds like this is something great for your H & your family...try to focus on the long term not the list of things that need to get done...I assume that you would have time to find a job & can live off his salary until then? If not, I think that might be a different issue...