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August 2013 Moms
WheeLinTheSky3
member
Tuesday Topic: How much say do you have when your kids are being babysat for free?
WheeLinTheSky3
member
mobile: Tuesday Topic: How much say do you have when your kids are being babysat for free?
There isn't an article but I heard a topic on the radio this morning. A listener called in to ask how much say she had in what her kid's activities should be during the day when her sister was babysitting them for free.
She mentioned that the sister allows (age appropriate) video games and TV in the car and that she didnt want that to be allowed around her kids (which would mean the sister's kids could also not do these activities).
So ladies, how much say should you get in what happens day to day with your kids if a family member is watching them for free?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Tuesday Topic: How much say do you have when your kids are being babysat for free?
Personally, I see the free babysitting as a favor and if my kid's routine involves watching a DVD in the car, your kids are going to also. I wouldn't alter my routine to accomodate what you want when it comes to minor items like that, especially if I am watching them for free every day.
I think overall you should trust your babysitter (family/free/or otherwise) and if you are not happy with how things are going there, you should move them elsewhere.
I agree! My mom watches DD1 a couple days a week and her schedule there is different from daycare/home days. But, she's in a safe, fun environment with someone I trust, so I let the little things go in exchange for the great amount of help I'm getting.
A lot of callers felt that if she had been paying the sister or hired a babysitter than yes, that person should follow every rule/guideline she set because it was a job she was being hired for. Most felt however that because it was family watching them for free, she didnt get a say in minor things like that. They mostly felt that if she didnt like it, she should pay someone else to watch them the way she preferred.
On those specific examples - I would say not much. Especially on the movies/videos... As long as appropriate. I guess she could tell her sitter she doesn't want her kids playing the video games but that will probably cause resentment amongst the kids.
but I think some things would be still in bounds. Certinly methods of discipline, safety issues, health/dietary issues, etc.
this is not a position I would want to be in (either side of it actually) but I know for some it's the only way to make it work.
That is a tough one! I would like to say you have total control, but you really don't since you would then be telling another mom what to do with her kids.
If it were my child, I would just have to talk with my husband and decide if we would allow those activities only while at Aunt's house or if it was so important to us that we decided to stop bring our child over there. To me those are the only two options.
The bigger problem though is that these children are cousins. Whether the sister is babysitting or the cousins are having a playdate, these issues will continue to pop up.
BFP #1 mm/c at 12w1d
In this situation, very little say. She doesn't get to dictate what her sisters kids do and her sister is doing her a huge favor by taking on additional kids for free.
Now if its dietary needs, that's something that can be modified for the kids and not affect the sisters kids.
This. When my IL's came to watch our son for a few days so DH and I could have a little getaway, we gave them a list of guidelines and things that we generally do to make things easier, but I knew fully that they were going to bend the rules a bit (like give him potato chips, things we don't normally give, stuff like that.) But hey, it's free sitting and we trust them when it comes to the big things, so we had to just let it go.
agreed. Just because its free does not sound like said sitter is being outrageous. If you want your child in a structured, no tv environment, pay for a daycare that can give you an agenda.
It's hard especially with a family member who already has a child. This is why MH and I are reconsidering using my SIL as a sitter. She has my nephew, but we're uncomfortable with him being left alone inside while she smokes, or having a beer at "almost quitting time". I know this makes her sound super irresponsible - which she is NOT, I assure you. I just don't think I'm all that comfortable with the practice. They also leave the TV on in their home all. the. time. I feel that's too much stimulation for a learning, growing infant, so I'd just rather not.
But since she offered to babysit for free, I feel we wouldn't really have the right to tell her "no", especially since we've never said anything about her doing these things with my nephew. It'd almost be like saying she's a bad mom (which she is not). We'll just find a sitter that fits our needs and pay whatever our piece of mind will cost. Better than being uncomfortable every day!
I totally agree with this.
I agree with this. My sister watches my son for a small fee. I don't say anything about the video games her older sons play. I also don't say anything about the food she feeds him. He has a very bad diet and will only eat few foods. So I buy her the food that he does eat because I don't expect her to spend the money I give her to go towards buying him food. And as OP said if you are unhappy go elsewhere.
On a side note my mil was watching her nephews girlfriend daughter for free. She was busy one day and went to McDonald's or Wendy's or something like that. The girlfriend pulls my mil aside the next day to yell at her for feeding her unhealthy food. My mil was pissed your not paying her anything or providing her food. Not to mention she was very active with her because she hates kids staring at the tv and would take her to the park or beach everyday because my mil hates being trapped in the house. Girlfriend always had something to complain about so it only lasted a month before my mil told her to go elsewhere.
DS1 2010
DS2 2013
DD1 2016
My only requests are usually things that have to do with foods that upset DSs tummy or allergy related.
I think trust is my key. If you are going to helicopter over your sitter, you don't have someone you trust watching your children.
<a href="http://s22.photobucket.com/albums/b316/Vanessro82/?action=view
Agreed!
TTC since 3/12
High LH/FSH Ratio 8/12
DX with PCOS 11/12
Clomid 50mg - 19.5mm Follie - Trigger + TI = BFP! 11/12
EDD August 11, 2013
You get what you pay for.
If her sister is doing it for free and not actually causing any damage to her children, then she has very little authority. I wouldn't interrupt my own child's routine due to the demands of a family member. The babysitting sister is doing her a favor. She seems demanding and ungrateful.
I agree that if she was paying a nanny/daycare, she would have 100% control over the activities and environment. If she wants that, she needs to pay for it.
My kid my rules. If they don't want to play by the rules than ill find someone else to watch her.
DHs sister now has limited time with her because she flat out told us she doesn't have to follow the rules because she's the aunt. Even tried to get DD to drink soda. She has two kids of her own... You think she'd have some respect for our limits.
DD2 8.22.13
MMC 1.4.17 at 16w
Expecting #3, EDD 1.29.18
That being said, I'm a FTM so I've never had to deal with babysitting my kid
My gut feeling is that you'd need to look at the situation and pick your battles.
Absolutely. But I'm in the position where I need family to provide free daycare and wouldn't put family in that position. (Does it ever work out well?) If DD is with family without us it's because the family requested her presence, not because we pawned our kid off.
DD2 8.22.13
MMC 1.4.17 at 16w
Expecting #3, EDD 1.29.18
This, for the most part, if the babysitting is free and volunteered although I think the parents should have final say in things that they request for health/safety reasons.
For example, my MIL was going to babysit my DS when he was around 18 months. I simply asked that she not feed him hotdogs (choking hazard and non-nutritious) and that her 3 dogs not be allowed around him while he's on the floor (while 1 of her dogs is smaller and well behaved, 2 of her dogs are not well trained and are very large). After we picked him up she mentions, in the same conversation, how much he loved hotdogs and how funny he thought it was when the dogs walked over/around him. I can let the hotdog thing slide to some extent but was PO'd about the dogs. My point was made when 2 weeks later one of her larger dogs broke the neck of the smaller one. yeah, she didn't understand at the time why we were upset and I'm still not sure she would. That was her one and only time ever babysitting DS.
Exactly this.
If someone wants to dictate another's actions, they should EMPLOY someone. If I'm doing you a favor and you are complaining about the safe, healthy, and age appropriate things we are doing then you are more than welcome to stop asking me to babysit for free. Really, no love lost. The less work...or children around...the better! It's exhausting just taking care of your own kids.
I am expecting my parents and sisters to "follow the rules" I set for my kids, even if they watch for free. I *know* they will break some rules (like candy or staying up a little late or the little rules... they're grandparents and the Aunt, I expect them to spoil the kids a bit and it doesn't bother me)
But I expect that they will be mindful of most of my rules and not let them play video games at the table or see certain shows (I have some children's shows I do NOT like and will not be letting my kids watch)
I think you always have a say, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you should say anything.
In the case of the article you mentioned, age appropriate videos and TV in the car is not a hill I am going to die on. Safety concerns are a totally different matter and I would have no problem making my preferences/concerns made known, but in the case you mentioned, it really just comes down to preferences.
If someone is watching your child for free and the child is in a safe, loving environment, you need to accept that the caregiver is going to care for them in their own way and you really need to let go of any control issues.
Perhaps, I am more laid back about this now, because I have a 6yo and an 8yo and can see how it really has little effect in the long-term. When my parents have the kids, I let them enjoy them and spoil them however they wish, because my kids still understand that home rules are home rules. Same with my sister and anyone else.
I just wanted to add that this is my mantra whether they are free or paid.
Parenting and babysitting are two different things. I have learned not to confuse the two. As a parent, I am much stricter than I would expect a babysitter or family member to be.