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Working Moms
SunAndRain
member
Cannot stop bickering with DH
SunAndRain
member
in Working Moms
DH and I literally have nothing to worry about. Yet we seem to fight on a daily basis. It is getting old for both of us. I don't want to go to counseling and I'm quite sure he doesn't want to either. We went to pre-marital and it was great. At this point I just want to figure out how to stop this rollercoaster!
I'm tired and my temper is short. I try to make my wants/needs clearly known but they seem to go in one of DH's ears and out the other.
DH is busy ALL the time with work or is latest DIY project (and shouldn't I be grateful for all these home improvements and cost savings?)
IL's are, as usual, driving me batty. I know they are well meaning and quite helpful in some ways, but how many times do I have to listen to MIL go on about how I have too much baby stuff? And how her kids NEVER screamed when they were little like the kids do today. (Gotta love my DD who recently found her voice and has been screaming her happy little head off!) About how DD suddenly waking up in the middle of the night screaming when she usually STTN is just about her testing us and obviously not about some valid need that any good parent should attend to.
They stay at our home at least 1 weekend per month. Twice in the past 8 years I have asked DH specifically if they could NOT come down on particular dates because we had something planned and I didn't want the distraction. Both times DH came back to me, "Dad wants to comes down because...."
Next Friday we have a photographer coming over for DD's 1 year photo shoot. I simply don't want IL's there passing judgement and making comments about us hiring a photographer (when JCPennys does just fine for their other grandchildren) and how much we're spending, yada, yada. This is important to ME and it is MY (DH and my) money and I want to enjoy the process without hearing their crap!
I KNOW I should stick to my guns. BUT they are in the process of moving and wish to store an antique in our home. Of course I'm happy to store this item and I am well aware of how much stress this move has brought upon them, especially MIL whos health isn't all that great anyway.
But I just bit DH's head off, explaining all of the above. So he tells me that HE has no problem telling his dad no. Simple as that. Well of course *I* have a problem not helping them out. But holy HELL I can't catch one day of PEACE around here!
DH is mad at me for "always being mad". I don't know if my expecations are too high, if I'm being selfish, or if DH is simply NOT hearing me!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Cannot stop bickering with DH
This may be over simplifying things...probably is actually, but what comes to my mind is you need some wine and a nice mani/pedi.
It sounds like you are putting yourself through a lot of guilt and anxiety. It's not exactly the people around you, it's you worrying too much about the people around you.
You are right. I do worry too much about a lot of things and only I can change that.
Still frustrating as hell though when I make clear, specific statements to my DH that he then ignores, and THEN gets mad at me for getting mad because he "forgot".
FWIW, I've been drinking more wine these days. But this latest event occurred this morning. Don't think I should start off my day with alcohol
I agree you need a day to relax. Also, I would suggest finding a way to relax on a regular basis, even if it is brief. DH tends to let work stress build up and then get very snippy at home. I kept telling him he needed to find an outlet. He has finally taken up biking and it has greatly improved his moods. We have a punching bag in the basement and if I am cranky after work and need to get into mom mode, I may go down and hit it for a few minutes. It is so therapeutic. I also do yoga for 10-15 minutes every day.
As far as communicating w/DH, we were also bickering a lot when DS was younger. There was a lot of stress - he was not a good sleeper for a long time and we were always tired. We both had to learn to pause before talking because we started snapping at one another over stupid things. If I felt like I was going to be b!tchy I would just say I need a few minutes to chill out, and a lot of times whatever was bothering me would feel less important after a few minutes.
LOL, well I think you are right, alcohol should only go so far in these situations. You don't want any new problems.
Also, its' not that your gripes don't seem legit, b/c God knows I couldn't stand it if my ILs were over that much, it's just that it seems a bit like you and your H are getting too frustrated to even solve the underlying problems.
1. You're just coming out of the first year of being parents. That first year can get even the best of us. DH and I rarely fought before kids but that first year with #1 really were trying times. Reflect on this past year and see what you guys could've done better and make a specific list of 5 things the two of you want to work on for the next year. Pin it up somewhere visible where it won't get lost amongst other junk and continuously evaluate how you're doing.
2. WHY in the world are your ILs coming to visit one weekend a month AND staying in your home? Regardless of how pleasant your ILs might be that's just too stressful. I'm putting my vote into curbing that and only allowing them to stay with you every other month.
3. Grandparent judgements: Aren't they the bestest? Ignore, ignore, ignore. It's never going to stop. You just need to learn to utilize your selective memory skills. If you do want to respond things like, "That's nice that so-and-so used JcPenny but what does that have to do with us?" "Your kids didn't scream when they were younger? That's too bad. I actually enjoying watching LO explore all the different things that she's able to do. It shows me that she's a learner."
4. Ditto others in carving out time for yourself. I meet up with a few girlfriends every 2nd Sunday of the month for at least 4 hours. It's always in the calendar and DH knows this. I'm always making plans to hang out with family, hair appts, etc. I just make sure they're spread out throughout the month so DH doesn't feel overwhelmed. DH rarely goes out but when he does mention wanting to do something with friends I immediately say yes.
5. How important are these DIY projects? Are they an immediate necessity? If not, put a pause on them. Allot a certain number of projects per year that DH can work on. Work together to agree on a day/morning/afternoon where it's strictly family time.