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Having family issues

loveslifeloveslife member
in Blended Families

My stepdaughter is 18 and she is going away to college soon.  Overall she is a nice person and I had no issues with her prior to arrival of my baby (she was considerate of me and polite).  We had a baby with her dad 6 month ago.  In these 6 month, she did not touch the baby once or talk to him or abouth him.  When she refers to him to her dad, she calls him ?your son? as opposed to his name or my brother. When he is in the room, she looks through him, he is like an empty space to her and when he cries, she just makes this big production and gets up and leaves.  I know that this had big a big adjustment for her as well since her dad and I met, married and had a baby rather quickly but I am very hurt by her reaction.  I try to be sympathetic, but I am running out of patience.  I am sleep deprived, work full time and take care of the baby so needless to say, this adds additional stress. Her dad, my husband tries not to talk too much about our son in front of her and we do not have any pictures of our son on in the living room not to provoke her too much.  This is my first and probably only child and I am very excited to have him and I do not see why I have to suppress my excitement so a jealous 18 year old can feel better about herself.  We had a digital picture frame that constantly changes images full of images of our son and mysteriously it stopped working recently. I cannot say that she did anything to it but it is just weird why something that was purchased a few month ago would suddenly stop working. I asked my husband a few times to see why it stopped working and he has not fixed it yet. I feel like being petty and taking down all of pictures of his daughter that we have in our living room and bedroom.  She continues to be polite and nice to me.  I always include her in my family celebrations (my brother or parents birthdays, my birthday or any family events etc.) but it is emotionally difficult for me because she is rejected our son. On father?s day, she wanted to go for a walk with him but when she found out that he would take our son, she said that she had something else to do and left.  I understand that she has not received one on one time with her dad like she used to get prior to the baby, but I feel that at 18 she is old enough to understand that taking care of a newborn is really tough and she is 18 not like she is 13 and needs day to day help from her dad.  Her birthday was recently, and her dad is going to take her to dinner just the two of them and I am fine with that and understand that they need one on one time together (it is just hurts a little why in order to make her feel better, he needs to exclude me and our son from the celebration).

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Re: Having family issues

  • Sunday924Sunday924 member

    This is ridiculous. You can't even put pictures up of your son? If my H suggested not putting up pictures of my son I would flip. Your SD is 18. She can deal with it or get out! 

    Does SD have special needs? I really don't understand why her dad would allow her to act this way if she does not. 

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  • loveslifeloveslife member
    No, she does not have any special needs.  He feels guilty that he and her her mom divorced (I had nothing to do with that divorce and met him after his divorce was finalized).  He feels guilty that he used to spend a LOT of one on one time with her and not he can't because he needs to take care of the baby. 
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  • MrsHetzelMrsHetzel member
    I agree with PP that you should be allowed to put up pictures of your son and shout on the rooftops about your pride and joy. I also think your H should be able to do the same without worrying about hurting a sullen teenagers feelings. The positive part is your SD is still polite and courteous to ou. Unfortunately, it's not a perfect world and you can't "make" her be excited about her brother. It hurts and it seems unfair, but as long as she is still being civil, it's better than her being outright rude. Hopefully, in a few years she'll grow out of this stage and come around. Until then, you just focus on doing the best you can for your son, and treating your SD with the same consideration you always have.
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  • 2chatter2chatter member
    DH was very nervous about me framing a picture of DS.  He made me wait a few months.  And when I did, he started to ask me to take it down before skids came over to visit.  He stopped asking when he saw the look on my face.  I was not going to budge on that topic.  I also had not done pictures of my girls and DS because DH wanted skids included; they never showed up when we had pics scheduled.  This year for Father's Day I was going to do pics of DS with skids, DS with girls the next week and a pic of just DS and frame them all together.  Skids cancelled.  We are going ahead with the pics of the girls and DS; I cannot put my life on hold because skids cannot be bothered to see their Dad.  And the pics will be displayed in our home.  Your situation is a bit different, but you are not alone.
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  • Lavender PLavender P member
    I think that your DH needs to schedule one on one time with your SD so that she knows that she is still an important part of his life. However she is not his only priority and that is something that she is just going to have to get over. She is old enough to recognize that having another child doesn't mean replacing the first. The more your DH gives in to her demands, the more justified she will feel, at the expense of his wife and other child. I get that it has to be hard for her, but you have every right to put up pictures of your child in your own home. That is beyond ridiculous. SD is no more important or less important for that matter than your DS. You can't make SD have a relationship with your son, but your DH can decide how much he is willing to compromise, and it shouldn't be at the detriment of he rest of his family. As for the birthday, if all she want is Donne wih her dad then I think you should concede. However I do think it would be nice to have cake at your house or something to include the rest of your family. Plus maybe this will show her that you care and want her to be included.
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
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  • WahooWahoo member

    Has your DH tried talking to his daughter? A lot of these things are your interpretation ("she looks through him," a photo frame breaks and you think it's her, she's not holding the baby, she doesn't call him by name......).

    Could it be that she feels unsure of her place in his life, if your (plural) lives?

    Have you / dh asked her if she wanted to hold her baby brother?  Cooed "hey baby boy, look who's here!  Your big sister!"  Asked her if she wanted to hold the baby, or asked her if she wanted to go to JC Penny's and be part of the baby's photo shoot? 

    She is polite to you, so I wouldn't assume everything is a passive-aggressive dig and hostility towards the new baby.  Have your dh take her to dinner and TALK to her. 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
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