Family in room

provwife · June 2013

I am dedicated to having a natural birth. I am delivering at a birthing center that is in a hospital within a month..hopefully not longer lol. Anyways, I am starting to get really anxious and nervous about having more than just my husband in the room. I would never tell the people I asked to not come because I know it would hurt their feelings but is it unreasonable to not let them in until I am ready to push? I just feel things will be crowded and stressful in the room while I am laboring....any advice or experiences to share?

provwife · June 2013

Tangerine01:
I would suggest telling them that you changed your mind and maybe they can come after the baby is born? nbsp;If you feel like it would be better to have less people you should do what you feel will be right for you! nbsp;How many people are you allowed and who have you invited? nbsp;I only wanted my husband and my midwife, but told everyone that basically up front. nbsp;It was amazing and just how we wanted it, very private. nbsp;Other people enjoy the support system of more people, so figure out what you would prefer.nbsp;

I invited my mom who would be a support to me and DH. I invited my younger sister because I seen her be born and want her to experience seeing a birth too and then also she is in charge of video taping. And then I invited my grandmother because she has been a second mom to me and would have felt bad having my mom and not her.
I just feel like people get really selfish and sensitive in these situations, especially in the situation. I told them how I foresee my laboring going which is quiet and relaxing with them supporting me and DH but more being bystanders because it is a time for me and DH. I am allowed however many people I want I am just nervous that they'll annoy me and I will end up kicking them out and making everyone mad or something...I know it sounds silly because it is MY birth and MY choice but I really want them to be there but I am afraid they wont respect what I said...I picture my grandma occupying my bathroom and on the phone the whole time and I picture my mom just being stressed...ahhh IDK what to do!!!

vcabbyw · June 2013

Ive been battling this issue for a while for how to deal with my MIL, who I asked to be there.

My childbirth classes stressed the importance of keeping stress hormones low, to allow other hormones to do their work so labor doesn't stall or increase pain. This includes making sure you have a good support team, and not having unnecessary distractions or becoming overly anxious. My midwifes also suggest ONLY having people there that have a job or duty, and not going to sit in the corner to stare at you. They strongly discourage having a room (or a hall way) full of people immediately after birth so that bonding and breastfeeding aren't disrupted. My plan is to utilize my MIL as the back up to my husband, so that he can use the bathroom or take a small break.

Don't allow yourself to worry about their needs, this is your baby and your time. You have to put your needs first, and know that people will eventually understand. Decide what you want your experience to look like, that doesn't include other peoples feelings. I like to use my midwifes as my excuse a lot... "My midwifes (or nurse, or OB) says we can't.....". I also use my husband to deal with his side of the family or as my reason why to my side. Otherwise, we plan to not let my MIL know (or anyone else, really) we are in labor until we are settled into the room and labor is active. I'm also doing the same to plan for my first 2 weeks at home, so I don't become over ran with visitors.

If these people love you, and support you... they will understand I promise.

luvmyducks · June 2013

I had my DH, my doula, and my 2 sisters in the room for DD1's birth. I plan on having the same this time around minus the doula--my sisters will be there depending on if they can get out of work on time.

For me that is what I wanted and I wasn't nervous about it. But if you are started to have 2nd thoughts about it, you should tell everyone that you've changed your mind. They should understand and if they don't, well oh well. They can get over it, IMO.

A37licia · June 2013

Uh....you're (or your DH) going to have to tell them that you don't want them to come, if you don't want anyone but DH there. Sorry. Stick out tongue

Did you tell them earlier in your pregnancy that they could, or did they assume and nothing to the contrary was said?

It is absolutely not unreasonable to not allow anyone but DH. That's what we've done 2x so far and only this time have we invited my mom, and sometimes I wonder how that's going to go. It's YOUR call, hands down. You're the laboring mom.

ssmb_clarinet · June 2013

If you don't want them there, tell them. It is your labor experience, not theirs. I only wanted DH there (other than nurses and such) and I told my family that. I didn't even want them waiting in the waiting room at the hospital. My mom and DHs grandma gave me grief, but I stuck to my guns. Too stressful to have everyone there waiting on me and I wanted us to have our special moments as a family before everyone came in. Good luck with your birth!

abell77 · June 2013

This is one of those situations where you get to put your needs and desires above everyone else's and not feel guilty about it. I would tell them that you've had a change of heart, and you can apologize for any hurt or disappointment it may cause, but honestly, do not dwell on it or let it get you down. I honestly believe that anyone who would give you a hard time about this kind of decision is behaving selfishly. This is your birth experience and you should have it just the way you want it (at least the parts you can control!)

I had my husband and my mom in the room with my first, and only my husband in the room with my second because my mom was with my son. We simply did not call any other family or friends until baby was born and we were ready for visitors. That is the best way to ensure people are not trying to break down the door to your delivery room, lol. I know my MIL was not happy about it, but that day was not about her.

Good Luck.

bleusimp · June 2013

I feel a little guilty about not wanting my stepmom, who is like a bestfriend to me, and my dad there. My dad is a guy, and I told him no boys other than the baby and my boyfriend. My step mom, I told I didn't know how it was going to go, and I didn't want to feel like it was a show. I promised to call as soon as he is out and ready for visitors, since he gets to be the star and that's who they want to meet anyway. They seemed okay with that.

aylafsu88 · June 2013

You need to tell them that you have changed your mind. Birth is very emotional and intense. You need to be comfortable with your surroundings and the people that are there. I know it may hurt their feelings but it is your birth and you need to do what is best for you. Laboring is tough and you may do or say things that you would not want everyone to hear/see. My Bradley instructor always said "birth is not a spectator sport, especially a natural birth." You need to focus on each contraction and pushing your LO out without worrying about everyone else. You can tell your family/friends that they can meet LO right after you deliver. Maybe that would be a happy compromise.

Crinita · June 2013

MIL asked me "who is going to be in the room" recently and I was glad that I was prepared. I told her frankly that it was just going to be me, DH and the midwife and her assistants. That's it. Thank goodness DH is backing me up on this one. I don't like confrontation or hurting people's feelings but the line has to be drawn somewhere. I told her she was welcome to be at the birthing center and she will get to hold and see the baby after it is born.

SarahinMD · June 2013

As the PPs have evidenced, everyone has a different personal preference. that notwithstanding, either way the one thing I WOULD be sure of is that no one in the room is going to make an issue if asked to leave. If I asked anyone to be with me that I had any concerns would pressure to stay if I asked them to leave (because you may change your mind even in the moment), I would dis-invite them now. All you should need to say if you've had more time to think, research and discuss with SO, and have changed your mind.

Aurora_Borealis · June 2013

Honestly, it sounds like you need to tell people you've changed your mind. It does not matter if their feelings are hurt. I know that sounds harsh, but if a crowd of people is going to cause you stress, that can absolutely interfere with having a natural birth. Or if you're not up for what might be a confrontation, you can simply decide to not call anyone (or post on facebook or whatever) when you go to the birthing center.

There is no way I would have wanted any family other than DH with me at any time during my labor & delivery. It was stressful enough that my mom kept texting and calling DH (because he was rightfully ignoring her and focusing on helping me).

BrideNamedMeg · June 2013

I agree with the others, you need to tell them you've changed your mind. Don't worry about hurting their feelings!

In my experience, pushing was the hardest, most demanding part of labor - and also the part where I was most exposed between pushing on all fours with my bum in the air, laying on my side, etc. I also got really hot during pushing so I was practically naked.

If you aren't comfortable with someone seeing you like that, if you feel like you're going to be self conscious in the slightest, DON'T have them in the room!

For my DD's birth (hospital), it was just me DH and the midwife/nurses. For DS's birth (at home) I felt more comfortable since I kind of knew what to expect so I had my Mom there to help out with DD and my sister to take pictures in addition to my midwives. I told both my mom and sister that if I felt uncomfortable at any point, I would be kicking them out and not to take it personally. You just never know what you're going to feel like until you're in the moment.

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