May be Single Mom, Please Help!

expectingnugget · June 2013

Hey guys. First of all I admire your strength and courage and figured you might have some advice for me. DH and I have an 8 month old son. Recently DH has been verbally abusive, borderline alcoholic, neglectful of my son and I when he's home from work, etc. He has taken my car and money when he's been mad. I have seen a therapist, but he refuses to and has lied about seeing one.

In our most recent fight he left my son and I for a casino that was hours away and he stayed for days. Because I thought I would lose my mind if I stayed at home, my son and I visited a friend a different state. I let him know ahead of time, telling him that maybe a few days apart would do us good. I was hoping that he would realize what he was missing and make an effort to spend time with us or see a therapist. He has ignored us since we've been back. I've made him his favorite meals, told him I love him, etc....I am trying everything in my power to keep our family together and I still love him. I'm really just afraid that if things don't work out that he'll try to get custody and take all my money and car (which is under both of our names) out of spite. I'm terrified that he'll try to take my son. Do you have any advice for me to protect myself and my child? I'm heartbroken, but want to make sure that we don't get screwed over. Thank you so much in advance.

pregokat · June 2013

why would you be afraid that he's going to take your money, and take custody of the child?
Just make sure you have your *** together and make sure that you file for everything first. Do not let him scare you into staying in a bad situation.

Sounds abusive, and usually relationships like that just get worse. Please don't waste your time when you are the only one trying to make it work. You don't deserve being treated like that and neither does your child.

If you really feel you need to, get a lawyer and keep good records of all the negative things he does and use it all in court against him.

Honey your relationship sounds eerily simliar to one i've been in and I'm sure lots of other ladies on this board have been in as well. I'm telling you from experience to get out and do what is best for your child, you will thank yourself later for not allowing your child to be abused, as well as standing your ground and not letting it happen to you either.

Children do as they see.. if your kid is raised watching his father treat you like that, he's going to treat you badly and most likely treat the women is his adult relationships the same, stay strong and keep your childs well being in mind

expectingnugget · June 2013

Thanks, PregoKat. I really appreciate it.

Runaway22 · June 2013

First, stop rewarding his bad behavior and neglectfulness with special treats (like making his favorite meals). I assume you SAH right now... so, I would suggest taking a chunk of money out of your joint account and open one in your name. If you have two cars together, immediately pack yours and DS' bags and take *your* car, and get somewhere safe. I say this because you seem really afraid of YH and what he's going to do. If you're afraid, you need to get your son and yourself out. Now.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish you the best of luck, and feel free to keep us updated!

tracy41 · June 2013

Sometimes when you take a step back and look at the whole picture you realize that what you were trying to hold on to is already gone. Reread your post and ask yourself if that's what you want for your son? When you're ready, reach out to a friend or family member take what you need, and go.

There's no such thing as a borderline alcoholic btw, a drunk is a drunk. And you are in an abusive situation, there are places that can help if you don't have anybody.

inthelost · June 2013

I would say STOP treating him so nicely, you're only encouraging his behavior. You're trying to hold onto a situation that isn't very good for you or your son. Your son would thrive in a better environment where his mother is happy. I agree reaching out to a family member or friend and talking to them about this too. You can always document his negative behavior and use it at court. Do whatever you have to do to keep you and your son safe. And his behavior will not get better, no matter what you do: something is wrong with him and you can't fix that.

honeysuckle2012 · June 2013

I don't come to this site very often because I'm afraid of writing anything too personal like I'm about to do. I might have to delete this for peace of mind later. But your post reminds me of what I went through with my first EXH. First, it's easier than you'd think for someone that's verbally abusive to become physically abusive especially with alcohol.

He had an EXW before me with a kid. I found out later that he beat her for four months before she told him she was leaving and gave him a date. Two days before she was suppose to leave, he tried to burn their house down.
When we were together we were happy for three years. Then we had a lot happen. My son was born, we relocated across country for his job that he worked at least 55 hours a week, one of his siblings passed away. He was stressed out all the time. He started drinking and became verbally abusive. If I argued with him, he'd go to a bar, casino, strip club. He'd take my keys, any money I had, my licence, my ring. I stayed with him because I thought I could change him and I was complacent. After one bad fight I left to stay the weekend with my parents. When I got back, he smashed my cellphone and laptop in front me and didn't say a word to me for a week other than snide comments.

A month after that happened while he was drinking, he hit me after I told him I didn't think things were going to work out for us. That same day our nine month old knocked a box of his files over. He grabbed him and threw him in his crib. My son had a bruise across his forehead. I stayed calm. The next day when he was at work, I took the most important things I had and left with my son to my brother's house several states away.

I wish I could tell you that it's easy to leave. But I never regreted my choice. I kept myself and my child safe. He tried to get custody, but I won sole custody of my son.

My kids are my world. Good luck. You've got a long road ahead of you, but it'll be worth it.

DeniseJesse8809 · June 2013

I left a similar situation, but not without a lot of messiness in between. Some of it show's strength and perseverance and some of it shows things about myself that I wasn't that proud of. But now a year later I value myself and my son and I TREAT both my son and MYSELF with the value that my EXH never let me feel. People don't get better with tough love, they don't get better with mushy gooshy extra love, and they don't get better for any reason other than to suit themelf. If you treat others with value and respect then you can by all means expect that back in a partner and if they refuse to do so, and are acting as your H is, then they don't deserve to be your partner. When in doubt the most important thing to me is being a good mother, and so when I can't disentangle my feelings, one from the other... I think about what decision will BEST serve my son because those are decisions that I will always be able to live with. GL!

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