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What would you do?

AmeliaKrisAmeliaKris member
in Blended Families
We have SS13 and SD11 full time. The eldest SS is 18 and after a string of poor choices [dropping out of school, living off of friends, staying unemployed while spending gf money, and basically writing off dh side of the family because of everyone refusing to enable his behavior or give him money ] he currently lives across town. We told ss and sd that even though ss18 refuses to talk with dh doesn't mean he cant have a relationship with their brother under some supervision. We had been letting SS13 spend time with his brother occasionally. However, we must drop off and pick up due to SS18 driving his car without insurance and unpaid tickets. Well yesterday SS13, wanted to go fshing with SS18. We dropped him off. When dh went to pick up, SS18 copped a major tude and started to get into it with dh. Dh didn't engage and just picked up SS13 and left. On the way home, SS13 announced that his brother kept his pole because it was his...which it wasn't and he has probably pawned it by now. At any rate, my question is this, SS18 is very angry, hostile, not in a good place...how to we explain to SS13 that we need to suspend the hanging out or maybe move it to our house only when we are home? Although I'm afraid our house might not be a good idea either. I really feel like his relationship with his brother is confusing the h out of him, due to brother bad mouthing dh or trying to convince him to leave home like he did, etc... he would still see brother ocassionally at bm. Like once every 8 weeks but generally that's it. We have counseling next week and I plan on getting advice from the counselor but wwyd? I understand its hard enough to keep kids away from parents making bad choices, but what about adult siblings? How would you handle this?
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Re: What would you do?

  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    My kids are only 6 and 4 and have not really grown up with SD23 but she was exactly like your SS when she was 18 and still is to a point but our contact is less so we don't full know. How much does your SS13 know? He is old enough to not only understand about drugs and alcohol but to do them. Since you have a therapy appt I would get advice but I would cut off contact and honestly would be weary of supervised contact if SS18 cannot control himself. 13yo sees him as a role model and that is really bad. I would offer SD18 therapy and tell him he cannot be alone with his siblings until his life is in order and tell him you all love him very much. Let 13yo be mad and gently help him direct his anger at his brother if needed but don't add to it. And try to have you or DH do those things like fishing with him so while he misses his brother he does not miss the activity and he bonds with you guys unless it hurts him to do it without his brother than do something else.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • AmeliaKrisAmeliaKris member
    Thanks for your response. We have told SS18 that when he is ready to get things in order, we are here to help him but wont enable his poor choices. I was hoping to let him and his siblings have contact even though he was mad at dh and I for drawing a line with him but I think you are right in that we need to see growth and maturity from SS18 first. SS18 has a lot of anger issues from bm abandonment as well as his bio dad abandonment. Dh adopted SS18 at 16 after raising him since age 4. Until he deals with that anger he will continue to spiral. We have taken SS18 to counseling but he refuses to go anymore.
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  • fellesferiefellesferie member
    I think that as parents we have an obligation to keep negative influences away from our kids. So I would limit the contact, and tell the kiddo that his brother is working through some things. And until he's in a better place, you guys don't feel good about them just hanging out. I think it would be okay to also say SS18 is just not making the best decisions right now, and you don't want SS13 to get in the middle of it.
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  • AmeliaKrisAmeliaKris member
    imagefellesferie:
    I think that as parents we have an obligation to keep negative influences away from our kids. So I would limit the contact, and tell the kiddo that his brother is working through some things. And until he's in a better place, you guys don't feel good about them just hanging out. I think it would be okay to also say SS18 is just not making the best decisions right now, and you don't want SS13 to get in the middle of it.


    That's pretty much what dh and I decided on after much discussion. We are going to tell him this with the counselor's help. Dh will then call SS18 and let him know our decision. Thanks for your input. My heart breaks for all involved for different reasons. I hope time will heal this mess. Thanks again.
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  • WahooWahoo member

    The bottom line is that you need to make the choices that are in the best interest of the children.  When the kids are older they can make their own choices.  I think it's messed up to keep exposing children to toxic people (whether it is a sibling, a grandparent, whatever) simply because they are "family."

    You are doing the right thing by keeping SS apart from his brother at this time.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
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