Feel bad for cousin BFR

ambrvan · June 2013

So my little CIL is a year younger than SD and also from a blended family. I like his mom, she is DH's cousin, but she is nuts and can be downright BSC. His dad is lazy and selfish and doesn't give a rat's azz about him. Anyway, the BM signed over custody of kid to BD last summer when she went BSC and ended up in a psychiatric facility. Well, she is starting to get her crap together. Has a steady FT job, place of her own, stays home when her son is there, no more partying when she has him. She wants primary back.

Anyway, since child has been in custody of BD, he has been found wandering down the street alone, home alone, stabbed with a pencil by his dad's gf's kid, is repeating explicit songs and watching R and once even an X rated movie secretly on his ipod. The kid is 6! So no, I don't think BD needs custody of him.

At the same time, I don't feel that BM is best for him either. She constantly talks down to him. Calls him a gayboy, a wuss, a little F'er... and more. And everytime she finds out his BD did something she doesn't agree with, she tells her 6yo son to go tell his daddy that he is a dumbazz or something and then rants and raves to everyone about it right in front him.

And you can see the feelings on his face. He is such a sensitive boy. You have to be cold hearted and cruel.not to notice how it makes him feel.

So today, after the BM starts ranting about BD's kids talking her son into walking a mile down the street alone while BD and GF were inside not paying attention, kid decides he doesn't want to swim anymore and wants to go home. His BM told him he needed to stay here and play with SD and quit being a list of explicitives.

So I pulled him aside and told him to just ignore all that. That he is a wonderful and sensitive little boy and that I love him very much. He said thank you. But you can tell his spirit and heart are being broken. It's so sad to watch. I wish there was something I could do more. Unfortunately, none of this can be 'proven' so DCS would never do anything. Hell, look at our case. Not to mention if I ever tried to report anything, it would create world war three and break up DH and I. So I can only hope the few words of encouragement can get through to this kid before he follows a horrible path in life.

MrsHetzel · June 2013

I'm so sorry to hear this. I think you're doing the best thing you can by being kind to him and encouraging. You're probably right that taking some sort of further action would be met unsuccessfully from family services and would probably be considered overstepping your bounds with DH and his family. Sadly kids are emotionally mistreated all too often but again sounds like you are doing a good thing just by being kind to him. Hope things improve

Nineoceans · June 2013

This type of parenting is how sociopaths are created. Absolutely sickening.

Can you start lobbying to parents to seek out some sort of respite care with the state, foster care, adoption or at the LEAST a parent mentor with a church or non profit? They are abusing their child and if they think he will grow up to be a healthy well adjusted adult they are wrong

Also if the kid was watching an X rated movie children's services should be called, although I know they would do nothing at least it would be documentation for further calls down the line

Wahoo · June 2013

Your story breaks my heart! That poor little boy! I hope that you continue being a positive influence on this little boy's life. I will tell you a story about DH. DH's mom died when he was young. She was sick for a long time before that, and when she passed, his dad married the woman he had been dating for the last 3 years while his mom was in hospital care. This was in the 60's when no decent woman would "date" a married man, even if his wife was sick and not in the home. Anyway, she was a drunk, abusive (cruel words, drunken cruelty, would tell FIL to give them the belt when he came home because "they were not respecting her, etc.). His father was emotionally distant and to be honest not the greatest of dads either - he wanted to keep the peace with his wife. Anyway, growing up in this chaos, DH is sure that the only reason that he is a hardworking, educated member of society and a good father (instead of a criminal sitting in jail like his stepmother's kids) is that his extended family, and particularly his grandfather and aunt. He said his aunt taught him what a loving home was like - she is the only person who helped him with his homework when he was growing up. He still remembers that! My point is not to thread-jack, but to show that a loving relative can make a huge impact!

jpearce327 · June 2013

I don't know how far apart you live, but maybe you could offer to watch him sometimes? Let him come over and play with your kids. Take him to the zoo or the park with you?

Let him get a break from the crazies once in a while. He will appreciate it, even if his parents don't.

ambrvan · June 2013

L spends a good deal of time with us, with or witbout his BM. He is a loving child, but is becoming harder to get involved in things. He just wants to be home with Mommy because he never gets her alone or go home to Daddy because he hears people taking down about Daddy and that side of his home.

The BM was raised this way, as well. I have had to shut her down several times in the past and take my kids home because she was just not a good influence around them. She now is much more careful around me and my kids.

DH got really mad last summer when I made it clear I would not tolerate that around our kids. He just didn't want to make waves. 'She doesn't mean anything when she calls SD a hooker...' yeah right. It didn't take much more than a loom yo pop that and make hin realize how stupid he was for saying that.

My only response was, 'Last week she locked herself in her trunk and called the cops claiming she had been mugged... I am not breaking my neck to keep a strong family tie there. And when your daughter starts letting boys in middle school call her a hooker or whore or slut, it's ok because she learned from your cousin that it doesn't mean anything.' That put it in perspective and we have not had a problem since. I can't even believe I had to spell it out, though. He thought it was about me not liking his family, which isn't true, as I said, I like this girl when it is just about a fun time.

Littlejen22 · June 2013

I am not trying to always come down on you because I really think that you go above and beyond for everyone you love but I cringe when I read so many of your posts because you make comments like "it would break up DH and me". Why is it so often that you have to choose between doing what is right (for you or others) and status quo because your DH would leave? I really worry about you.

hopanka · June 2013

I second Littlejen, hon. What is wrong with your H? No, its not normal you had to spell it out for him, she was out of line with SD! You write way too often how he is mad at you for things that completely make sense to a sane person. Honestly, he doesnt sound too nice of a person. Like you are always walking around on eggshells so he doesnt get mad at you for the most ridiculous things. I too worry about you. And to hell with that kind of family that calls kids names and mistreates them. Really, wtf is wrong with that guy!?

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