You know... you live right, you do what you're supposed to, you try to live up to the standards that have been set for you, and even try to exceed those standards. Then life happens, and takes your legs out from under you, then kicks you in the gut. And you're left on the ground in the fetal position wondering what you did wrong. When we conceived Piper there was no problems! We were married July 29th, and were IMMEDIATELY pregnant. A BFP on August 27th, and we were calling family that day. The only 2 complications I had were around 6 weeks I felt something drop when I went to the bathroom, but found out the baby was perfectly healthy w/ a strong heart beat. The second complication was I had high blood pressure my entire pregnancy. So I was at risk for pre-eclampsia
but never was diagnosed. Piper was completely healthy.
Almost a year later another BFP on March 31st. I was extremely surprised, and felt really overwhelmed but was coming to terms w/ another baby; even though I wasn't feeling ready. That friday I noticed some bleeding, and had a bad feeling. Saturday morning I ended up in an emergency run to the women's clinic in Laramie. Ultra sound and blood tests confirmed I had lost the baby. The doctor (who really needed to go back to med school to learn some bedside manners...) gave us the go-ahead to try again when ever we wanted. Afterward we decided that it was something that we really did want. So we tried again. BFP on May 11th, and I was excited!! Monday they sent me in for blood tests to check my BETA HCG
levels. They weren't good. They were at a 7, but the nurse gave me hope telling me that it could just be VERY early in the pregnancy, and we will test again on wednesday. It was pure torture waiting so I took 2 more pregnancy tests in between, and noticed that the positive line was getting lighter on the first try, and the 2nd try the test came back negative.
I knew what the next day would bring. I also started to bleed again tuesday night. Wednesday came and my numbers had gone down to a 2. So no need to follow my numbers to 0 at that point. So we had another loss on May 15th. I decided I needed to let my body rest. I wanted to wait at least 1 cycle before we try again. I thought I was being careful, and timing when we could and when we couldn't (I was charting). But turns out I probably ovulated earlier than I thought. ANOTHER BFP on June 22nd. Everything seemed to be going right, went in for my HCG test on monday which was at 23, much higher than last time. Wednesday came and my numbers went UP to 35. BUT that isn't doubling. It was a doubling time of 79 hours. The nurse told me on the phone that they wouldn't check my numbers again because I am going to lose this baby as well, and that I need to set up an appointment to find out why I am able to get pregnant but not keep the baby.
So I set up the appt, but I was DETERMINED to prove this nurse wrong. So I immediately decided I was going to suck down water like no ones business, and put myself on modified bed rest. (This does not determine if you can save your baby, I just did this to feel like I was doing EVERYTHING possible to keep this baby inside. But today shows signs of me losing yet another baby. So here I sit feeling defeated, incomplete, like I'm being punished for something, and many more feelings that I can't articulate at this time. But it is quite possibly the worst feeling I have felt to date. 3 back to back to back miscarriages. I question why was it so easy for me to be pregnant and get pregnant w/ Piper, but now all of a sudden there is something wrong w/ me.
What am I doing wrong? Why am I being punished? What is wrong w/ me? The worst part is I feel like I need to put on a smile for everyone and act like nothing is wrong. I feel like there is this expectation hanging over me to just be normal. Like it's not even worth grieving over. Also I have a daughter to care for. She needs me more than I need to grieve and be lost in my deep pit of despair. Somehow, someway I will get through this, and hopefully I will have answers sooner rather than later.
BFP - March 31st 2013 - MC on April 6th 2013<br>
BFP - May 11th 2013 - MC on May 15th 2013<br>
BFP - June 22nd 2013 - MC on June 30th 2013<br>
BFP - September 2013 - MC September 2013<br>
BFP - October 31, 2013 - December 17th - found out baby stopped growing at 7wks - natural MC December 20th 2013