When to add a second?

LolaBelle11 · June 2013

tl,dr.... sorry.

I need some opinions... My DH wants a second baby, DS is almost 21 months old. I too, want a second baby but I am somewhat terrified, and heres why.... I think after DS was born, I didnt realize I had Post-partum depression. I was so irritable, resented my husband for having a life, my in-laws picked a HUGE fight with me, I was having trouble nursing, recovering from a csection, was so stressed about missing a feeding (I breastfeed) that I never went out alone. I was full of anxiety. I didnt realize until now that those feelings I had may not have been normal, or were they?

I am afraid to feel how I felt again. DS still does not sleep through the night in his own bed. I am still nursing DS and I feel if I get pregnant, it will force him to wean which I dont want to do. We cosleep half of the night because as I said, he doesnt sleep through in his own bed (we have tried all sleep training and nothing has worked, he just wants to be with me... no health issues, etc.)

I just feel afraid to feel angry, irritated, alone... I feel after i had DS like I lost ME. Like I didnt have a life anymore. It was a very hard adjustment. Did anyone else have a hard time adjusting with the first but find having a second much easier? Did any other October moms deal with postpartum depression/anxiety? Are my feelings I even described postpartum depression/anxiety? I want baby #2, but I dont want to feel that way again. Help.

if you got through all that, a glass of wine for you

AngLK987 · June 2013

If all what you described is not how you are normally than yes I'd say it's PPD, If you're still getting that way talk to your ob, they may be able to tell you more about statistics of ppd with a second child as well and how to deal and cope with it. I can't relate but urge you to talk to a professional about it. Ppd is serious.

Deez10 · June 2013

I'm so sorry you're suffering.

I also suffered through fairly severe post-partum anxiety/depression and started off treating it with a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) + medication. After roughly a year, I was able to slowly taper off the meds and am now only treating it with CBT (which is working out beautifully).

I highly recommend finding someone to talk to who can help you determine whether or not medication is appropriate in conjunction with therapy. Get a referral from your OB - mine referred me to a wonderful therapist he had worked with at the hospital and whom he knew well because I honestly had no clue where to turn in the beginning.

What you're feeling is definitely scary and can make you feel very alone - I completely empathize with what you are going through. Just know it will get much better and I firmly believe we can avoid feeling this way again when it comes to round 2 by being proactive about treating things now. I'm so sorry you feel afraid and not like yourself - I know the feeling well.

Know you aren't alone and if you'd like, feel free to PM me and we can exchange emails. Reach out and talk to people, even interwebz strangers - it really helps. You aren't crazy, you aren't alone.

Best of luck, please keep us posted on your progress. {hugs}

LolaBelle11 · June 2013

Deez10:
I'm so sorry you're suffering.
I also suffered through fairly severe post-partum anxiety/depression and started off treating it with a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) + medication. After roughly a year, I was able to slowly taper off the meds and am now only treating it with CBT (which is working out beautifully).
I highly recommend finding someone to talk to who can help you determine whether or not medication is appropriate in conjunction with therapy. Get a referral from your OB - mine referred me to a wonderful therapist he had worked with at the hospital and whom he knew well because I honestly had no clue where to turn in the beginning.
What you're feeling is definitely scary and can make you feel very alone - I completely empathize with what you are going through. Just know it will get much better and I firmly believe we can avoid feeling this way again when it comes to round 2 by being proactive about treating things now. I'm so sorry you feel afraid and not like yourself - I know the feeling well.
Know you aren't alone and if you'd like, feel free to PM me and we can exchange emails. Reach out and talk to people, even interwebz strangers - it really helps. You aren't crazy, you aren't alone.

Best of luck, please keep us posted on your progress. {hugs}

Thanks for your reply... I am starting to feel much better, but the thought of becoming pregnant, having the baby and dealing with those feelings again is terrifying. I never ever wanted to hurt my baby, I just felt like a horrible mother, not like myself, irritable, resentful etc... you know. As my DS is almost 21 months old, I have a couple irritating days because toddlers are hard work, I think I am pretty much over the depression from having him, but getting it again terrifies me. I want 3 children, but sometimes, I feel I would be just fine with having DS only. I wonder if having an appointment with my OB before I become pregnant to talk about post partum depression and what the plan would be to prevent it from happening again would help me feel better about trying for #2? I wonder sometimes if I still need meds... if occasional irritability is normal, if low libido is normal (still nursing, not sure if that has anything to do with it), anxiety about anyone but my mom watching my DS is normal, ya know what I mean? Would starting Zoloft now help? would I stay on it through my next pregnancy and postpartum period? I should probably also ask the PPD board...

LolaBelle11 · June 2013

Woodsie:
I felt pretty much exactly how you described your PP experience. I never did seek help for how awful I felt, and I really regret it. I look back on the first few months of T's life with regret rather than joy because it was such a dark and horrible time for me.

I am nervous about going through that phase again, but I think it will be okay because I see now that there is a light at the end of that dark newborn tunnel, and now things are great. I knew I wanted another child and even though I know it might suck for a while, it will be worth it. I also think I've learned from my mistakes (not seeking help for possible PPD/PPA, not communicating with DH, not accepting help from family/friends, actively isolating myself). I know more what to expect this time and hope I recognize if I'm getting to a dark place and act to make things different.

The biggest thing though that makes me feel like this time won't be as bad, is that the most difficult part of the adjustment was losing my identity (like you mentioned). I lost my independence and my sense of self all of a sudden, and didn't know what way was up. The old me is long gone now though, so I don't feel like it will be as much of a shock since I'm already a Mom. Does that even make sense?

Anyway, I'll cut myself off before it gets too long. Just want you to know you're not alone in your feelings. It might be a good idea to talk to a therapist or something to sort your feelings out before you pull the goalie. Good luck with your decision!

I regret his newborn days too.. I am not going to be afraid to ask for help next time. I cant go through those feelings again.

Deez10 · June 2013

LolaBelle11:

Thanks for your reply... I am starting to feel much better, but the thought of becoming pregnant, having the baby and dealing with those feelings again is terrifying. I never ever wanted to hurt my baby, I just felt like a horrible mother, not like myself, irritable, resentful etc... you know. As my DS is almost 21 months old, I have a couple irritating days because toddlers are hard work, I think I am pretty much over the depression from having him, but getting it again terrifies me. I want 3 children, but sometimes, I feel I would be just fine with having DS only. I wonder if having an appointment with my OB before I become pregnant to talk about post partum depression and what the plan would be to prevent it from happening again would help me feel better about trying for #2? I wonder sometimes if I still need meds... if occasional irritability is normal, if low libido is normal (still nursing, not sure if that has anything to do with it), anxiety about anyone but my mom watching my DS is normal, ya know what I mean? Would starting Zoloft now help? would I stay on it through my next pregnancy and postpartum period? I should probably also ask the PPD board...

I definitely understand what you're saying - anxiety is a lot to deal with every day and I believe a lot of people underestimate it. I think your fears over another baby are justified and it would help to talk to someone.

I know, for me, meds didn't really help with the anxiety. Talking to someone has eased that - medication just helped with the depression, which you seem to not be experiencing anymore (thankfully!). I think talking to someone might help you understand where your anxiety comes from - and recover from it once you treat the source of it.

GL!

Chunstad · June 2013

Woodsie:
I felt pretty much exactly how you described your PP experience. I never did seek help for how awful I felt, and I really regret it. I look back on the first few months of T's life with regret rather than joy because it was such a dark and horrible time for me.

I am nervous about going through that phase again, but I think it will be okay because I see now that there is a light at the end of that dark newborn tunnel, and now things are great. I knew I wanted another child and even though I know it might suck for a while, it will be worth it. I also think I've learned from my mistakes (not seeking help for possible PPD/PPA, not communicating with DH, not accepting help from family/friends, actively isolating myself). I know more what to expect this time and hope I recognize if I'm getting to a dark place and act to make things different.

The biggest thing though that makes me feel like this time won't be as bad, is that the most difficult part of the adjustment was losing my identity (like you mentioned). I lost my independence and my sense of self all of a sudden, and didn't know what way was up. The old me is long gone now though, so I don't feel like it will be as much of a shock since I'm already a Mom. Does that even make sense?

Anyway, I'll cut myself off before it gets too long. Just want you to know you're not alone in your feelings. It might be a good idea to talk to a therapist or something to sort your feelings out before you pull the goalie. Good luck with your decision!

Wow, reading all of these, especially Woodsie's top paragraph made me realize that maybe I had something more than the 'baby blues'. Like Woodsie said, it was a very, very scary dark time in my life. I was actively mourning my old self and DH and I's relationship. I feel like this time I know what to look out for, and this time I am going to DEMAND help, not just sit crying in the corner. People always say that each pregnancy is different. Also, we've lived through this and we now know how to ask for help. Good luck with your choice.

mrs.lizzieb · June 2013

I don't know if I technically had PPD with my 1st child, but I definitely had a case of the baby blues. It was such an adjustment for me and it took awhile to get back to myself. DS was a high-maintenance infant/toddler, and I was scared to start the whole process over again and to have those negative feelings.

After DD was born, I really didn't have any of those feelings at all. Because you've been through the gauntlet, you kind of know what to expect, and it was much easier for me (busier but easier). I was wiser the 2nd time around and knew when to ask for help and when to let things go that I might not have the 1st time around. For example, DS never had jarred baby food, and I made everything from scratch. For DD, she ate mostly jarred baby food, as I started to make it for the 1st couple months but didn't end up having the time or energy to carry on after that. Life can definitely get crazy juggling two kids, and I feel like I almost didn't have time to feel those negative feelings. The only thing I do remember is getting annoyed with DH at times when I felt he wasn't doing his fair share.

I guess I don't have too much advice, except to keep the communication lines open btw you and your ob/gyn in case you start to feel PPD symptoms coming on. GL.

Fianschneid · June 2013

I'm sorry to hear about all you've gone through.

The fact that you used the word "terrifying" when describing your thoughts on having another is huge. Like pps suggested, try talking to your OBGYN before you get pregnant again and try to come up with a plan. Share these feelings with DH, too. He's on your team and needs to know how he can support you.

aliciaroset · June 2013

Did you get any help for your PPD? It really sounds like exactly what you were going through.

For some women the transition to motherhood is what triggers their problem, so a second doesn't have the same effect. There's no guarantee you wouldn't get PPD again if you had another.

FTR, you don't have to wean your first to have another. Many women BF through pregnancy and even tandem BF. (In fact the good hormones from BFing could help you stave off depression!)

I think the biggest thing would be awareness and support, and it sounds like you're aware of the problem. You'll want to talk to your doc when you do get pregnant.

I have no experience to offer, just support. We're not sure about having another and part of my fear is that awful newborn time. I didn't have PPD but she was a very difficult baby and I too don't want to feel that way again. Every pregnancy/baby is a roll of the dice.

LolaBelle11 · June 2013

I made an appointment with my OB for a preconception discussion about PPD. I never had the guts to admit I had a problem so I never got it treated. My husband and I had a long talk about it last night where I fully admitted that I did have PPD and we discussed it and I feel so much better about our next child, although I am not pregnant yet. I am hoping my appt with my OB will make me feel even better hearing him talk about treatment and the new mom support group that my OB office provides. I think I will have a much better experience the second time around feeling better about getting help and feeling like my husband is aware of the issue. PPD sure kicked my @ss.

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