Feeling guilty — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Feeling guilty

I know everyone always says that a miscarriage isn't your fault, there's nothing you did to case it, blah, blah, blah. I'm really having a hard time believing this and feel like I must have done something to cause my baby to die...

Is it because of the vitamins and medications that I took? Is it because I bought my husband cheapie vitamins and they messed up his sperm? Is it from lifting DD? Is it because I went swimming? Is it from the paint because we were having some work done on our house? Is it because I constantly had terrifying thoughts that something was wrong with the pregnancy, so it was a self-fulfilling prophecy? Is it because of all of the crappy food that I was eating because I felt so sick? Is it because I didn't eat vegetables because I had a serious aversion? Is it because I had a glass of wine a week after ovulation because I really didn't think that I would get pregnant this cycle? Is it because I've had many x-rays and CT scans in the past (not while pregnant, obviously)? Is it because I hadn't been doing my prenatal yoga? And I could go on, and on, and on.

I realize that it's neurotic and I don't need anyone to tell me it's not my fault because I won't believe it anyway. I think I just needed to vent. And maybe to see if I'm the only crazy person who thinks about this stuff.

1 miracle Earth baby and 5 Angel babies

~All welcome~

Re: Feeling guilty

  • I felt the same way at first but i know that I'm never going to get an answer. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to heal. This board is such a blessing in that you can come here to vent or ask questions or just talk to someone who understands. I hope things start getting easier for you soon.sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!
  • L RosL Ros
    I can't tell you how often I looked back on every tiny little thing I did over the past two months that might have caused it. But, like everyone says, most of the time there's absolutely nothing you did to cause it. From what you listed, none of that sounds like anything that could have affected it. We all go through this though. Im sorry you are having a rough time and Im sorry for your loss. I hope you find the comfort you need to not blame yourself ant longer.
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  • TiaremTiarem
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments

    I feel EXACTLY the same way. I lost my twins at 11 weeks, and am just devastated. My worry is moreso that I wasn't properly taking my thyroid medication, which cause people not ot carry pregnancies to full term. The worst part is that I purposely stopped taking it because i was pissed my husband scheduled a stupid guys trip, and then one month later we were pregnant. I didn't start taking my medication until one month into my pregnancy because i didnt want to start anything new into a pregnancy. I also had bad aversions to vegetables and ate processed meats once a week.

    It's painful to see small children and babies and think that I did this to myself and my husband. It makes me a little sick inside and I get a huge lump in my throat like I am about to cry like I never have before. I only had my DnC a week ago, so I am not sure how long anyone feels awful, but hang in there. I am in the same boat, and I hope it gets easier for the both of us.

  • While I'm going to tell you it's not your fault, I will also admit that I have these thoughts frequently.

    I have my own reasons for why I could have been the reason my baby didn't live, but I will never know the true reason, so I can't keep blaming myself. Please try not to drive yourself crazy about setting blame on someone or something.

    "Love is what makes pain bearable." - I love you my Angels. 
    **All After a Loss Welcome**
    BFP #1: 6/25/09 EDD 2/13/10 @ 6 weeks- Saw HB @ 9 weeks - DS born 2/11/10 (39w5d)
    BFP #2: 2/20/13 EDD 11/4/13 - Saw HB 3/19/13 (7w2d) - MMC discovered 4/13/13 (10w5d) - Est. loss @ 9w3d - D&C 4/14/13
    BFP #3: 12/19/13 (4 w1d) EDD 8/27/14 - 1/1/14 discovered it was ectopic/ tube had burst/ had surgery to remove tube (@ 6 weeks)
    BFP #4: 9/10/14 (3w6d) EDD 5/21/15 - natural MC 9/23/14 @ 5w5d
    BFP #5: 11/23/14 (3w3d) EDD 8/4/15 - Please be our Rainbow! 

    BabyFruit Ticker

  • I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I just told my husband last night I was worried that I had a cup of reg coffee on vacation because there wasn't decaf that it was the caffeine that did it. Or maybe because of all my medical problems i have its the medication I take daily that effected the egg I quit taking it as soon as I found out I was pregnant but may have been to late.

    Of course my husband who is a dr tells me the stages of grief and this is part of it all. The logical side of me knows this but I think the emotional side has to process it in its own way.

    Hugs I know what you are going through.

    Fucking bump!!!!
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  • I have questioned so much, just like you, and I only found out about my mmc yesterday... Funny how much one can think about when they just sit still... I have asked myself a million questions, but I know I won't find answers. Tomorrow I have a D&C, and I have chosen not to have any testing, I almost feel like I am better off not knowing, although I will question, I won't have to drive myself crazy thinking about the would-have-beens... I hope you find some peace soon, and know that it probably isn't anything you did. My one Dr. said something to me that kind of stuck with me... I asked her, "Am I eating enough? Sometimes I just don't want to eat at all." and her reply?  "Don't worry about that... Why do you think women have babies in third world countries? Your body will handle everything if it's meant to be." I found some comfort in thinking back to that comment. I hope things get better for you soon. * Hugs *
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