Hey everyone, I haven't posted in a few weeks so I'll reintroduce myself...
Im a 24 year old SAHM to a beautiful 6 year old girl & proud Marine wife, To my loving husband, 27. I have had 4 miscarriages total, 3 before my daughter and the most recent at 9 weeks pregnant, being on 6/7 via D/C. It took us almost a year to conceive our most recent angel baby, and I find my self completely unable to cope with this loss. My husband and I are Christians, and I have even caught myself questioning God. I cant understand how we could pray every cycle to conceive, actually conceive and then have it taken away from us. Is god really that cruel? No, I don't think so either, However what lesson was I supposed to learn from this that I hadn't already learned the first 3 times? I feel so confused and angry!
Around the time that we got our BFP, 10 other close friend couples announced their blessings also! We kept our pregnancy a secret from most everyone, Except close friends and few family members. When we found out that our little ones heartbeat had stop, its almost as if mine did as well. Just when I thought I had put all of this pain behind me and tried to move forward, Someone announces their babies gender on facebook. A close friend, someone that I genuinely love and care about... So why was I instantly angry at her? Its not like shes pregnant to hurt me, I know this. I was completely shocked by my own reaction and it broke my hurt that I would feel that way towards a close friend. My sister inlaw is also pregnant, and only a few weeks ahead of what I was. I feel as if losing this baby will always be in my face, Every time she goes for a doctor appointment, when she has the baby, when the baby reaches a milestone... There it will be. A constant reality of what we have lost. Will I resent my new niece or nephew or always be saddened by its presence? I sure hope not. I try to stay away from facebook for the same reason, having 10 other couples pregnant and constantly talk about it is too hurtful at this time for me to see. I know they arnt doing it to hurt me, and I would NEVER ask them not to post. They deserve to be happy and enjoy their pregnancies, I wouldn't want them to lesson that excitement on behalf of my personal grief.
Miscarrage is such a taboo topic, no one likes to talk about it unless they have a personal experience. Which are mainly the only ones I am able to open up too. The people knew about our loss try to console me the best way they know how, But every "word of encouragement" leaves me more angry. For example, "it happens all the time" as if knowing how often this happens will put the loss into perspective. Or their is, "Be grateful for the daughter you already have", this one hurts me to the core. Its like saying because I am grieving a little life lost, I don't appreciate the gift in front of me? How stupid is that? Of course I love and appreciate my daughter, But that doesn't make the pain of losing yet another child anymore comforting for me. "It will happen in Gods timing" is another one that I hate, Did I not pray that Gods will be done in my life and to give us a child when he saw fit?? Well he did, then he took it away. Why don't you give me an answer to that instead of some stupid encouragement line that society believes will help.
Just as my title states, I feel so defeated.
Sorry for the long post, I just needed an outlet to get these words out... Im sorry each and everyone of you have to be here. No one deserves this, No one.