Dealing with Resentment — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Dealing with Resentment

As a bit of an intro, I recently have gone through a missed miscarriage. For a few weeks, I had felt like something was wrong. Sunday, I had a very slight amount of spotting but went to the hospital anyway where an ultrasound confirmed that even though I should have been 12 weeks along, the baby was only measuring 8 weeks and had no heartbeat. I had my D&C on Tuesday and today I am back at work, but having a difficult time concentrating and controlling my emotions.

Suddenly, I can't stand the thought of being around my mother. She and I have a very close relationship and I know what I am going through is hurting her, too but I can't help but feel a slight bit resentful. She had pushed me into announcing to our family before I felt ready to because she couldn't wait any longer. She said that if I didn't tell them, she would. I sat through family parties where everyone was so excited, and in my heart at the time I was scared because I thought something was wrong.

Once I found out about the miscarriage, she wanted to come over right away. That day. I said no and that I wanted to be with my husband and that was it. She insisted on coming the next day and it was with difficulty that I kept her away the day of the D&C. She keeps calling and telling me what she thinks I should do to feel better- what day I should go back to work, that I need to get out of the house, go to dinner with my husband, make plans for the fourth of July, etc.

 I guess I just feel a little smothered and bothered that she thinks she can tell me how to grieve and mourn. I am also a slight bit resentful that she forced me into announcing before I was ready- it is making things more difficult now. I know that she has the best intentions and that she is saddened by the loss as well and wants me to feel better, so I also feel guilty about wanting to distance myself. We normally get together at least once or twice a week and I just can't stand the thought of doing that right now.

 Did anyone else experience something like this after going through a miscarriage? How did you get over your feelings of anger or resentfulness?


Sorry so long. 

Re: Dealing with Resentment

  • I'm so very sorry for your loss.  I can really relate to what you're going through since my own mom was much the same way in terms of wanting to be with me immediately before, during, after, etc. Our situation is a little different since she lives overseas during most of the year and was back for summer break in the US.  I had to have a very frank conversation with her when she asked if she could come up before my D&C and stay through the following week to help make us dinners, help with the house, etc. I told her that I appreciated her desire to help, but that honestly what I needed was time with my husband, and to be alone.  I also reminded her that taking care of those things, dinner and house-work-stuff, were areas I found comfort in, so I wanted to continue doing them to help bring back some type of normalcy in our lives.  She understood, and was gracious about it.  I think it's hard for them to see us go through this.  My mom went through a mc as well so I think it's her motherly way of wanting to take care of me.  Just my opinion, but I would encourage you to explore taking an honest approach with your mom and letting her know how she can help you best - which may be by simply letting you lay low and grieve with your husband.  Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.  Sending thoughts and prayers your way.  ((Hugs)).
    Began trying for a baby January 2012
    BFP 4.25.2013  EDD 1.3.2014  MMC 6.3.2013  D&C 6.19.2013
    BFP 11.3.2013  CP 11.6.2013
    BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014 
  • I'm very sorry for your loss. I don't have any experience but I hope you can repair your relationship soon. Maybe having a frank conversation about your feeling and your need for space would be the best thing.

    "Love is what makes pain bearable." - I love you my Angels. 
    **All After a Loss Welcome**
    BFP #1: 6/25/09 EDD 2/13/10 @ 6 weeks- Saw HB @ 9 weeks - DS born 2/11/10 (39w5d)
    BFP #2: 2/20/13 EDD 11/4/13 - Saw HB 3/19/13 (7w2d) - MMC discovered 4/13/13 (10w5d) - Est. loss @ 9w3d - D&C 4/14/13
    BFP #3: 12/19/13 (4 w1d) EDD 8/27/14 - 1/1/14 discovered it was ectopic/ tube had burst/ had surgery to remove tube (@ 6 weeks)
    BFP #4: 9/10/14 (3w6d) EDD 5/21/15 - natural MC 9/23/14 @ 5w5d
    BFP #5: 11/23/14 (3w3d) EDD 8/4/15 - Please be our Rainbow! 

    BabyFruit Ticker

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  • I took no calls or visitors for about 2 1/2 weeks after my mc. I only wanted to be with DH. My best friend is my sister in law who is also pregnant and is due about 3 weeks before i was. I avoided her a lot. Then i started going to counseling weekly. That helps. I vent on here and in counseling and at home to DH. Then i can stand seeing people for a short while. When i had enough i seclude myself again. I vent again and go to counseling again. I think as time goes by it also gets a little easier but 4 weeks later it is still difficult to be around my sister in law. I hope it all starts getting easier for you soon. Just know that what you're feeling is normal. Sending prayers up for you!
  • I'm sorry for your loss.

    I went through a situation like this with my MIL. She kept calling and wanting to come over but I just didn't want the company. I only wanted to be with my H. I'm still struggling with being around others and even missed out on celebrating Father's Day because I haven't been ready to "face" anyone.

    Sending lots of positive thoughts your way that everything works out! 

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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