Legal Marriage Question

ATXmommas · June 2013

In light of yesterday's SCOTUS ruling on DOMA, my wife and I would like to legalize our marriage. We had our wedding here in Texas and it never felt super important to us to travel somewhere for a piece of paper to make our marriage legal since it granted us no additional rights or benefits. Texas has a long way to go before it recognizes our relationship in any meaningful way, but at least we can have the benefit of federal recognition.

So, my question - for those of you who have been legally married, where did you get married? Anything we need to consider or know? I would like to plan a short trip before the baby is born to get legally married and have thought about New York, Vermont, Washington, or California (so glad to be able to add CA to this list!).

I know we have a long way to go, but overall yesterday was a good day for the LGBT community and for women here in Texas (so proud of Texas Senator Wendy Davis).

penguin122308 · June 2013

We went to New York almost a year ago and got married at Niagara Falls. When you are travelling, make sure you figure out the waiting time for a license and actually arrive sooner. New York was like 24 hours from time you apply to when you can marry. Luckily, we were there days early to prepare for the ceremony. We had heard horror stories of people being there a day before but missing the deadline or the lines being too long and so on.

We did have one issue. You hire all people sight unseen. We hired a photographer with great referenes. She called an hour before the ceremony saying she couldn't make it because she was detained at the
Canada border because they thought her cameras looked suspicious. We lost some money which hurt our budget. Luckily the chapel also offered photography even though it was more expensive, less pics, and weren't as great. But all in all, it could have been a real huge mess. Moral of the story: No matter how much you plan we did for a year who knows what can happen when you hire people from out of state you never met before, even if they have great references!

Good luck! We know what it was like living in Texas and not feeling recognized. Congrats!!!

trisholio · June 2013

My wife and I live in Ohio (we have a ban on same sex marriage) and went to New York and got married. We went for a long weekend, and had just our parents there. It was a wonderful wedding and celebration, but it was also neat that a month later when we got our actual marriage license in the mail it felt like a special moment all over again. I am in no way putting down anyone who is not legally married, but for us it became important to get the marriage license. It was a way of validating our relationship to one another and to others. It has also given us the opportunity to educate people about same sex marriage.

Before you travel anywhere to get a marriage license make sure they do not have residency requirements for the license or god forbid a divorce. I know that you don't want to think about divorce, but it could end up being a lot of trouble later on down the road. We had friends that went to Canada and got married, well in order to get divorced you have to live in Canada for a year. In New York you have to establish residency for 90 days before being able to file for divorce. Also some places have a waiting period for getting the marriage license. In New York you had to apply for the marriage license and they had a 24 hour waiting period before you could actually get married. So we got our license on Friday and had our wedding on Saturday. Make sure to take important documents like a valid drivers license, social security card and birth certificate.

I think that is all the input I have for now :-) Best of luck to you and your partner!

trisholio · June 2013

Too funny, we were not only writing at the same time, but my wife and I also got married at Niagara Falls, NY!!

We hired an officiant sight unseen, but she was wonderful!!

penguin122308:
We went to New York almost a year ago and got married at Niagara Falls. When you are travelling, make sure you figure out the waiting time for a license and actually arrive sooner. New York was like 24 hours from time you apply to when you can marry. Luckily, we were there days early to prepare for the ceremony. We had heard horror stories of people being there a day before but missing the deadline or the lines being too long and so on. We did have one issue. You hire all people sight unseen. We hired a photographer with great referenes. She called an hour before the ceremony saying she couldn't make it because she was detained at the Canada border because they thought her cameras looked suspicious. We lost some money which hurt our budget. Luckily the chapel also offered photography even though it was more expensive, less pics, and weren't as great. But all in all, it could have been a real huge mess. Moral of the story: No matter how much you plan we did for a year who knows what can happen when you hire people from out of state you never met before, even if they have great references! Good luck! We know what it was like living in Texas and not feeling recognized. Congrats!!!

KH826 · June 2013

We had our wedding in August 2012 in Pennsylvania where we live, and in December we went to NYC and got legally married. Actually, on Christmas Eve. My wife's mother came with us as our witness, and it was a pretty great day.

I can only give advice on how things work in NYC, since that is where we got married, but here are a few tips/pieces of info in case you decide that is where you want to go:

Every borough in NYC has a court house where you can get married. We chose Manhattan, since it was easy for us to navigate and we were more familiar with the area.
If you chose Manhattan, I would advise getting their early. I believe they open at 8:30AM. I would say get there as close to that time as possible. We actually went and applied for our marriage license on 12/21 (a Friday), but the rule is that you have to either wait 24 hours after getting the marriage license to actually have the ceremony, or you can go across the street to the court house and apply for a judicial waiver and then if the waiver is granted go back to the clerk's office and get married the same day. We tried for the judicial waiver, but we didn't know that the Judge is only there to sign the waivers every day at 11am and 3pm, so we missed him. We went back on Monday 12/24 (we are in PA about a 2 hr drive from NYC, so it wasn't a big deal, and we were on vacation from work since it was Christmas), and we got there at 8:15am (they open at 8:30) and there was already a line out the door waiting for the clerk's office to open. We were like the 35th couple in line, and we were married by about 10am.
You have to have a witness. If you do not bring your own with you, there are people standing outside the clerk's office that you can pay to be your witness, but they all seemed a tad shady in my opinion. It was special to us that we were able to bring my wife's mother back with us to be our witness on Christmas Eve
They had a little gift shop and they sold everything from bouquets and boutonnieres to christmas tree ornaments to veils... they also offer photo packages to get your pic taken in front of a backdrop. We bought Tshirts that say "I got married in NYC" mine is black and my wife's is white -- they are cute!

I am so glad that we chose to get legally married. Like you, at first we weren't sure how important it was to us, since it would not be recognized in our state and we had already had our dream wedding with all of our friends and family. Well, I know that it is just a piece of paper, and I respect those who feel like it is not necessary or right for them, but to me, I have never been more proud of a piece of paper. The legal ceremony was short and sweet, but it felt so official, and getting the marriage certificate afterwards... it was just an amazing feeling. I can't really do it justice or articulate why I feel like it was so important for us, but it was a great day and I am so very glad that we did it and we are now legally married... somewhere.

Best of luck!

keepsawaythenargles · June 2013

K and I chose not to get legally married (even though that was number 1 on our list originally). We hired a lawyer to make it as legal as possible here in Michigan (which has a ban on ss marriages). She created 9 or 10 documents for us that would give us as many rights as we could get similar to married couples. Wills, HIPPA, Domestic Agreement, Power of Attorney, Durable Power of Attorney... basically WHEN it becomes legal here in Michigan it turns into a prenuptial agreement. Oh and she's doing my legal name change as well. We felt like we spent enough money on that and our wedding here that we didn't need to go out and have a ceremony elsewhere that legally didn't mean much in our home state.

All that aside... we looked at NY because of its proximity and 24 hour waiting period GL!

shelly2314 · June 2013

My wife and I went to New York to get married as well. We live in Florida so I completely get the "long way to go."

We stayed on the Canadian side, but married on the US side (obviously). Luckily, the place we went through for our wedding provided everything (florist, photographer, etc). It was AMAZING. We had a wonderful time. We flew in on Tuesday and immediately got our license (we did not have to wait at all) then married on Thursday. Everything was wonderful. We used The Bridal Chapel of Niagara Falls. We ate at Villelas (I think that is spelled correctly) and they are AMAZING. It is located in a really tiny place and looks like it isn't much, but it is the best Italian food I have had EVER.

lbugher · June 2013

Just as an FYI, ladies... I've been doing a lot of research on what the DOMA repeal means in terms of legally married couples in states that don't recognize SSM (I'm in Indiana). Basically, they don't know yet (the government). As it is, most benefits are issued based on the state where you live, not based on where you solemnized the marriage. It's because of common-law marriages and which states recognize them and which don't. But because our circumstances are different, they are going to revisit what this means to the 2/3 of us who still live in states that have a ways to catch up.

Indiana is considering a constitutional amendment on SSM. We don't have one yet, and from my understanding it will likely not pass if put to voters. Still, we have the ban.

I'm so grateful DOMA was overturned but this leaves us in a bit of a limbo for the time being. Stay strong! Legalized SSM will probably be law of the land within the next 10 years. Look how far we've come since 1996

ball.and.chain · June 2013

lbugher:
Just as an FYI, ladies... I've been doing a lot of research on what the DOMA repeal means in terms of legally married couples in states that don't recognize SSM (I'm in Indiana). Basically, they don't know yet (the government). As it is, most benefits are issued based on the state where you live, not based on where you solemnized the marriage. It's because of common-law marriages and which states recognize them and which don't. But because our circumstances are different, they are going to revisit what this means to the 2/3 of us who still live in states that have a ways to catch up.

This. Unless you just want to get legally married to get legally married, it may be worth waiting a bit to figure out whether you will actually qualify for those federal benefits with an out of state marriage. It sounds like it depends on the benefits and it depends on the state. I have a friend who is married in MA but lives in NJ (where they have civil unions, which do not qualify for fed benefits) and is fairly certain she is not eligible for the federal benefits as far as the IRS and SS are concerned...but it's still too early to be absolutely sure.

That said, I wanted to point out that some states also have blood test requirements to get a marriage license -- my sister got married in RI in 2004 and they had to have HIV tests, etc. That can take a bit longer so it's worth checking into that as well. It is not required in MA, where we were married (and where we live). I also don't think we have a very long waiting period for a marriage license, but I could be wrong (we got ours weeks in advance just to check it off the list). MA does have a residency requirement for divorce, so if you got married here you could not get divorced without moving here (and you could not get divorced in your home state if they do not recognize your marriage).

lbugher · June 2013

Iowa has a three day waiting period, but you can fill out the application and mail it in to bypass the waiting period. That's where we plan to get hitched if federal benefits will indeed pass on to us. Better to have federal benefits than nothing at all! Indiana will get there one day.

I e-mailed HR at work to see if they had any information for us yet. They said they'd send around a statement on how DOMA impacts our benefits (it at all). Hoping fervently that they let us share our health savings accounts... she has two grand that we want to use for baby-making purposes but I can't touch it because we're not married and I'm the one who's carrying.

mollykelley · June 2013

ball.and.chain:
That said, I wanted to point out that some states also have blood test requirements to get a marriage license -- my sister got married in RI in 2004 and they had to have HIV tests, etc. That can take a bit longer so it's worth checking into that as well. It is not required in MA, where we were married (and where we live). I also don't think we have a very long waiting period for a marriage license, but I could be wrong (we got ours weeks in advance just to check it off the list). MA does have a residency requirement for divorce, so if you got married here you could not get divorced without moving here (and you could not get divorced in your home state if they do not recognize your marriage).

I love MASS! We got married there and it was between MA, VT, or NY. We live in CA and got together after the "window" when it was legal. We decided on MA because it didn't have residency or blood test requirements. Also we have a great friend there who was a witness (though, not required, nor is an officiant - wedding was done by Justice of Peace). We wanted to be able to do a quick trip. MA does have a 3-day waiting period, but we got to go in front of the judge across the street and ask for a waiver to get married that day! It was kind of fun - it was raining that day and we were in Cambridge, MA and we made it kind of like a scavenger hunt. We went to City Hall, then Courthouse, then City Hall again - and were married by noon. Then we went to a vegan restaurant across the street called Life Alive and had an amazing lunch. Our friend yelled out to the whole restaurant that we just got married and everyone cheered and the restaurant bought our lunch. It was super fun.

I hope you are able to plan a trip and have fun with it! We had to make sure we were there on a weekday when the necessary offices are open.

We may get married in CA too next month when it is available again, but will consult with a lawyer first to see if this is necessary/helpful or not.

healz413 · June 2013

Depending on what the rulings are on how out-of-state marriages apply for folks in states that don't allow same-sex marriage, we could have a big Bump LGBTParenting get-together in Niagara Falls, NY and have a bunch of marriages and then others of us witnessing for you.

Ok, that may be too silly of an idea, but M and I are in Toronto, which is only 1.5-2 hours from Niagara Falls, so I like the idea.

firstcomeslove2013 · June 2013

I LOVE this idea HEALZ! I don't think it's silly! How awesome would a giant wedding be!!!

trisholio · June 2013

I love that idea!!! We could have new weddings and vow renewals all together!!

healz413:
Depending on what the rulings are on how out-of-state marriages apply for folks in states that don't allow same-sex marriage, we could have a big Bump LGBTParenting get-together in Niagara Falls, NY and have a bunch of marriages and then others of us witnessing for you. Ok, that may be too silly of an idea, but M and I are in Toronto, which is only 1.5-2 hours from Niagara Falls, so I like the idea.

ATXmommas · June 2013

Thank you everyone for your responses and your input. And, thanks to MK for posting some resources about what the repeal really means for us in another post. This definitely gives me a lot to think about and consider before making any decisions. Much appreciated!

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