Toddlers: 24 Months+
wildflower98
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my toddler is SO mean to her father!
wildflower98
member
I know there might not be any great solutions out there, but maybe at least some people can commiserate? My nearly three year old is just awful to her father. If she's in any sort of a mood, she'll scream "NO!" at him when he simply BREATHES, pushes him away/kicks at him, and even makes comments like, "I like Mommy; I don't like my father." If she's upset and he tries to comfort her, forget about it. When they're alone together it's fine, and they do "special" stuff, like swim lessons that I'm not a part of. But for whatever reason, she seems to think she can treat him like dirt any time she wants. He is much more patient with her than I am, ha, MUCH more, and is incredibly kind and playful with her. Sometimes when he comes home, especially to see her, like at lunch time, she just tantrums and makes him wish he didn't even bother. It's a horrible dynamic, and it makes us all sad. To make matters worse, she has a very close relationship with her grandparents, and is excited/loving/affectionate when they're around. I understand why this is hard for my husband to watch and just accept. He tries to be patient, but obvs he gets hurt/frustrated/angry, and I hate the stress level surrounding this situation. It went on for over six months last year, then seemed to improve, and now seems to be rearing its ugly head again. I'm pregnant, but she doesn't seem overly concerned about this/more clingy in general. Tell me there are others out there? And that maybe it eventually gets better? I know preference is a very, very common thing, but the level of nastiness she displays is upsetting, and I'm not sure how to handle it. We've tried ignoring, joking, walking away, and discipline. She'll apologize after the fact, but the behavior itself doesn't change...thanks for listening.
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Re: my toddler is SO mean to her father!
I actually think it is up to you to stop the behavior. you may have tried this but each time she's nasty to him, you have to be the one to discipline her and shut it down. Also, you should try to doing special things for him that are with you. Like making something for daddy. Like going to a craft shop and picking out something you know she's interested in and making it for daddy. Another thing, is have her call daddy at work each day to say hello to him (just a few seconds long phone call). You may have to bribe her for this initially but eventually it should be a habit and something she looks forward to. You need to emphasize to her how happy it makes daddy feel when she's nice to him.
Because she is nice to you and nice to the grandparents tells me she can control her behavior but I'm wondering if somehow with your husband being patient is being permissive to her and she's taking advantage of it.
DS1 went through a horrible stage of yelling and being nasty to me. I was trying and trying to punish him and work with him on it. It wasn't until he did it infront of DH and got the wrath of DH that DS1 finallly got better and got the message.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts - I def like some of your ideas with the phone calls and projects.
I def have tried to discipline in these instances; I usually try to take her aside and talk to her, because I don't want to make the problem worse by disciplining her while he just sits there and watches, b/c I believe part of the problem is that she does not seem him as the authority figure that he is. He has always been her playmate, b/c of his hours I'm more of the primary caretaker, and I honestly believe she sees herself as "above" him. This is why I'm torn on me being the one to discipline her about this behavior. We BOTH try to tell her it's unacceptable to hit/kick Mommy OR daddy, talk to Mommy OR Daddy like that, etc, etc. She definitely takes advantage of him, but I also get from his standpoint how he's fearful if he lays down the law she's just going to "dislike" him even more. Argh - it's tough!
One thing he could do is stop playing with her the moment she isn't nice. He can also stop talking to her. So what you'd do is when he comes home and he's talking to her and she gets nasty, you tell her that you don't speak that way to Daddy and ignore her. But yes, she doesn't seem him as an authoritative figure and so you have to instill that by the way you talk to her. for example, she says she wants a toy you say, "Let's call Daddy at work and see if we can buy that toy for you." that sort of thing so she starts seeing that Daddy is a decision maker as well. I put a lot on my DH like "yes, I'd like to do that too but we need to ask Daddy and discuss it as a family" that sort of thing so even though I'm home with the kids more than DH, DH holds a big presence.
Also, does he put he to bed each night? I think that's critical too at this age that he be the one to put her to bed and read to her each night.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE LKHARKINS!!!
I just wish my husband could really take it to his heart of hearts this is semi-common, but I also understand that's a lot easier said than done. Rejection from your child HURTS. Just want this to pass. I must C/P another blog post I saw online, just to reiterate that we're not the only ones with this going on...
QUESTION: I would love some ideas on how to handle this. My daughter is 3 ? years old, single kid. About a year and a half to two years ago she started to favor me, her mother, a lot, and lately she is more and more ?mean? to my husband/her father. She says ?I don?t love you?, ?you?re not my father? when he picks her up from daycare. She will say ?I love you mommy? 3-4 times in a row without acknowledging him. She says ?don?t talk to me? or ?don?t look at me? to him. If I press it she?ll say ?I love you daddy? and she?ll give him a hug. It really hurts his feelings. This morning he said that it was obvious she had bonded to me and not to him. This tears me apart. You have no idea what a wonderful man and father his is. He is so warm and loving and WAY nicer than me. There haven't been any new stresses or changes in our lives. We have tried: 1) ignoring her, 2) saying "I don't like the way you are talking right now", 3) telling her that it hurts daddy's feelings when she is treating him this way, 4) no TV (or other treat) for little girls who are not nice to their fathers. We try to find some humorous thing to shift the mood....but it?s becoming harder and harder the longer it goes on. I'd love any insights.
ANSWER: Hello Laura,
It is very common for two- and three-year-old toddlers to favor one parent over the other. Usually this is temporary and it shifts back and forth between parents. But it is also true that by temperament some children are closer to one parent than another. And this can continue into adulthood.
Some of the things that you have tried I would suggest you go back to or continue to do. There is no point in trying to treat this as a discipline problem. She is entitled to her feelings. Therefore, it's best to ignore this, treat it with humor, but make sure that both of you get time alone with her. She may prefer to be with you, but there will be times when he will be doing things with her (picking her up from daycare, taking her to the store, playing with her at the park, or reading a bedtime story to her).
It's very important with three year olds not to get into a battle of wills. That will make the problem worse and probably prolong it. If you punish her, coerce her into saying or doing nice things to him, or otherwise trying to exert force over her, she may put up a strong resistance and that can just make it worse.
It's okay to use humor and make a joke of it sometimes. Your husband could say to her, "I'll bet you'd like to go with your favorite daddy to the park, right?" Then when she says No, to treat this with a lot of humor: "What did you say? That you wanted to go with your mother! I can't believe that! I just may have to tickle my favorite daughter until she says yes. Are you ready for that?"
By not showing that your feelings are hurt and by treating it lightly, you help her to accept that liking one parent over another is not wrong or bad. And she is not a bad girl for feeling the way she feels. I suspect in a couple of years this will all be forgotten.
That works for some kids, but not with mine. We have literally been working on our DD with this for the past year.
Basically, she is the devil to me, and an angel to DH. We have tried having DH be the disciplinary factor, or having them make special things, call me, alone time with me, bribery...I could go on and on.
It hasn't improved. She has the fixation with her dad, and I am just going to ride it out. I have given up making DH spank her or yell at her for things she does towards me, because she turns around and blames it on me.
I think they can just go through stages of picking a favorite, so I have chosen to sit back, and let it happen, let her come around to me again. Forcing myself on her just pissses her off more.
It really is just a trial and error though. Try all methods, see what works for you, and how much you are willing to put up with.