Vent- Our families
Ginlyn0
member
So we told youngest SS earlier this month that we would have his party this coming weekend even though we've had him every weekend this month and that his birthday was on the 15th. We were planning a pizza party this weekend because it was the only weekend DD would also be home and we schedule the parties for when we have all the kids. So our families never do formal invites, we all just text each other and call the grandparents (since they don't text). So earlier this week DH's sister texts back and says they can't make it. Then my brother's FI texts back and says she can't make it because she's going out with 2 of her friends from work (for their birthdays) and her parents will have the babies. Then my mom calls again to clarify if it was Saturday or Sunday because my dad is the one that answered the call back when I made it and he didn't write it down and we figure out she is working that day. Obviously SIL is dealing with a preemie baby. So that leaves, my ILs (who never miss anything), my sister and DH's other sister (who never comes to anything). So today I text my sister and ask if she is coming and she says.... "probably not. I was going to take the boys on the lake and then get BIL ready for his trip out of state on Sunday." The boys she is referring to is my brother's older boys she just always refers them as "the boys." So I text her back and say that I guess we aren't having a party because only the ILs are coming and I feel bad for SS. She was like sorry, we have plans and my DH forgot to remind me about his trip until yesterday. I told her well, that's why I texted. I didn't want to get everything ready for a party and get SS's hopes up and then have no one show but my ILs.
I understand other plans, but really, how is it our luck every single person has "more important" plans? What really bothers me is that my sister b*tches every single year that we don't have our kids at my nieces' party because she plans it on a weekend that's not our weekend for the kids and even though DH and I still show up. This year, she begged me to request the weekend from BD and BM. Their birthday party is in August and she rented out a bounce place. I already requested the day from BD but we haven't from BM yet but now I don't know that I feel like going to that hassle for her. So why can't she take 2 hours out of her trip to the lake which she does every weekend to bring my nieces and nephews to the party??? The party was going to be at 6pm so they could spend all day practically at the lake and/or packing. (The lake is literally 15 mins from their house). So irritating!
So now, SS will come over on Friday thinking he is having a party, but he's not because everyone bailed. We called the ILs and told them the party was off. They offered to let the boys come over and spend the night one of the nights this weekend so they could celebrate with SS and try to make up for other family members bailing. We told them we would let them know once we figured out what we were going to do to celebrate now.
I should note that we have family members skip on our parties all the time yet we receive harassment for our kids missing something of theirs even though we attend or like when DH's sister texted DH flipping out because we weren't going to be at her son's graduation 2 hours early because we had to go pick up DD an hour before (which we had already switched the time with BD so we could actually attend) and we made it there with 30 mins to spare before the start.
Sometimes I hate our families, but they are family. It's annoying.
Re: Vent- Our families
My eldest is 6. We have a family party. Normally my parents come, his biological father comes with his mother, my FIL and SIL and her kids come and so does a very close Aunt and a friend of the family. My eldest is autistic and LOVES his cousins to death.
Everyone said they would come. I reminded people several times. The party was last Saturday. Monday came and my parents informed me they were flying out on vacation on Saturday afternoon. During the week my FIL had his surgery moved up to Friday (understandable), SIL decided to never answer txts or calls. On Friday the Auntie tells me she forgot and made plans to go gambling with another aunt but it would be ok because she saw the kids earlier in the week. I do not know what happened to the friend of the family (has a daughter a year older than my eldest).
The only ones at the party was my Ex, his mother, and my hubby and I. My kids had lots of fun and I would not have changed it for the world. I am sure he was disappointed, but he would have been more hurt if we had never had it.
DS2 - 8/08
DS3- 9/09
DD1 - 11/11
DD2 - 10/13
DD3 - Csection Scheduled November 29th
So flat out call them on it!
My MIL would make crappy passive-Agressive comments about how Monkey knows my family more/better. And every time I flat out call her out and tell her that that is her fault, becuase my parents actively visit us...and they do it on their dime (a slap at the fact that I personally have offered to pay for her to visit us over 5 times)
Same thing with my SIL.
Same thing with my brother (he bitched to my mother and sister that I had never met my niece and nephew, but not only did he not try to come to Europe, which i DO understand, but would try to see me when I flew from Germany to VA. I guess he thought I needed to add on an additional flight to ID to make it right.
I finally called him out very public ally, when he had the kids baptized without letting me - the supposed god mother - know.
To this day, he is too Narcissitic to see where he is wrong, but I know that I no longer have to harbor resentment OR make any effort in reciprocation for him or the kids.
The anger/resentment/disappointment is gone because I adjusted my expectations down. AND I am raising my daughter to have the same reasonable expectations.
I don't have to bad mouth MIL or DB. But I can and do let her know that they have different priorities then us, just like she will find with the rest of the world.
Mind you, I did giggle at Christmas when Bro made a comment about how grown-up Monkey was and she replied "we'll of course I am. That's what happens over a year."
Woth the total implication that he should know that.
I would redirect the party funds to another activity that is new and exciting for sure. Six Flags was my first thought on a big thing to do; Great Wolf Lodge might have a summer special (I book when we can get a room for $200 and we spend one night - which is plenty). What about Jumpstreet?
Don't let on any of this to SS; skids here "keep score" as to who attends the family parties because BM has told them that they are less important (because they are divorced and PAS is her hobby) and she is surprised anyone ever even bothers for them.
I hate scheduling insanity, it is my least favorite thing.
Good suggestion on Jumpstreet. I'll have to talk to DH about that one. Great Wolf would be harder for us because we would need more notice for that because there are so many of us we have to have the largest suite or mulitple rooms and that's hard to get on short notice.
IIlumine- I know I should call them out, but calling them out never helps. I've called my mom and sister out on separate issues before and it got nowhere. They don't care. DH would call out anyone, anytime but I ask him not to. He did make a FB post last night that said "I'm not happy at the moment #awesomefamily #notreally" He hates hashtags (despises them actually) so that was basically another stab. I told him to delete it, but he wouldn't. I really need to just stop worrying about them. I'm thinking about having a non-family party for older SS's birthday in Sept that way I don't have to worry about them backing out. Since we have such a large family, I always do family only parties because it would be really pricey to do our family + friends. But I may just go with friends from now on.
Honestly, if they can't show up for your children's events, I would stop showing up at theirs. I am all for making an effort for family, but it has to go both ways. If they invite your kids / skids for a weekend when you are "child-free" - - don't bother with the kiddie party. It's not fun for adults. Tell them "sorry, we made plans for this weekend, because we don't have the kids." I realize nobody can revolve their schedule around YOU, but at the same time, they can't b*tch if you aren't available.
If people aren't getting enough notice - - -and you DO have to give extra notice around summer or the Christmas holidays - then plan in advance.
When people give you a hard time, tell them "sorry, we weren't available," People can't railroad you without your permission.
I hope SS has an awesome birthday! And don't cancel a party just because your family is lame. Are their neighborhood kids who can come over for cake and maybe backyard play?
What you should have done at the time, was say/text back - "I am extremely hurt that you cannot take the time out of your day to come to SS's party. Especially after you gave me SUCH a hard time <insert last time or two of when they gave you a hard time for missing an event>. I want you to know that from this moment on, I had better not hear a single thing from you if/when we are not able to make one of your events - EVER. As in, if you ever show me such hypocritical behavior again, it will be a long time before we participate in a family event. I will not be held to a higher standard then you can show."
Then follow through.
My DH's mother could not be bothered to come and visit us (on our dime) ever. We even offered to pay for her and her boyfriends tickets to come to DH's retirement ceremony in Germany and she turned it down.
We sighed and accepted that flying is not her thing....only to find out that she COULD fly to my SIL's husband's retirement ceremony. After we *** drove 3 days, ONE *** WAY to make it to her Thanksgiving that she just had to have with all of her children.
DH called her and told her how hurt he was. Her excuses (or lack there of) was so sucky. And guess what he told her, we will not be visiting her until she comes to visit us.
While I know he will eventually cave, I will get at least 1 year without having to deal with her....hopefully 2.