GTKY: Religion and IF

mrsrichey11 · June 2013

I know this can be a controversial and touchy subject, but I have nowhere else to post this, so here we go. Also, please be respectful, but that should be a given =]

Religion. *GASP!*

Since being diagnosed with IF, how has your faith/lack of faith changed?

For me, I used to be a Christian. Was raised in a Christian home, went to church every Sunday, even went on missions trips in high school. Then I got married, started TTC, lost our first pregnancy at 8wks, and haven't had a single positive test (OPK or HPT) since. My thoughts on this are if God does exist, why would he make the hubs and I (and all of you) suffer? How can a sovereign being be so mean? I am kind of in limbo, wanting so badly to believe that there is a God, but at the same time I am so angry that if there really is a God, I might just stomp on his feet and spit in his face for what he is making me go through. This entire process has made me question my beliefs and then completely throw them out the window. I don't think it is ever something I could go back to, even if we do have a baby.

I guess that's my little tid-bit. What about all of you?

ekc0630 · June 2013

I'm catholic and it took me a long time to come to grasp with even doing IUI/IVF. I was talking to a friend who's father was a preacher and I explained my situation and that it is against my religion to do IVF. She said to me if God didn't want you to do IVF he never would have given people the ability to discover it. I had never looked at it that way but it totally makes sense to me. DH always says its not fair that we have to go through this but we have never gone through anything trying. We have never lost anyone very close to us unexpectedly. This is our trial. Drives me crazy but I guess he is right. I continue to go to church every Sunday. To me it is very important. It keeps me in a good mind set.

Cindal · June 2013

I'm not very religious anymore, but at one time I identified strongly as wiccan. I still consider myself that but I no longer practice. It's kinda like being a christian who never goes to church or prays, if that helps you understand the non practicing part. IF hasn't really affected my spiritual beliefs mainly because I believe that I was put here to learn and better my soul through multiple reincarnations. I am having a hard time trying to figure out what lesson I'm supposed to be learning from IF. I already had gobs of patience in my opinon. I also understand that when it comes to nature nothing is truly good or evil. The hurricane isn't being spiteful and mean when it comes ashore, ya know, it just is.
I'm glad at this point that I'm not Christian. As I would be railing against the unfairness of everything that has happened in my life. I've already had several 'trials',so to speak, to the point where it feels like IF is just heaping on. I sometimes wonder how DH keeps his faith in the face of IF, but I'm glad he does. I would hate to lose all my faith and go through the world alone and empty.

mmb248 · June 2013

ekc0630:
I'm catholic and it took me a long time to come to grasp with even doing IUI/IVF. I was talking to a friend who's father was a preacher and I explained my situation and that it is against my religion to do IVF. She said to me if God didn't want you to do IVF he never would have given people the ability to discover it. I had never looked at it that way but it totally makes sense to me. DH always says its not fair that we have to go through this but we have never gone through anything trying. We have never lost anyone very close to us unexpectedly. This is our trial. Drives me crazy but I guess he is right. I continue to go to church every Sunday. To me it is very important. It keeps me in a good mind set.

I agree with the bolded. I don't believe God has a problem with any medical treatment, fertility or otherwise. Also, my faith is a huge comfort to me as we go through this. I don't think that God has forsaken me because I haven't been able to have a child. I'm not saying I don't get irritated and ask why, but God didn't promise me sunshine and rainbows. And, to be honest, if I'm going to be mad at God about anything, it'll be the fact that my dad died 6 months before my wedding. Still a bit steamed over that one...

OP, I'm sorry that this has taken such a toll on your faith.

Mochadoodle · June 2013

IF has only brought me closer to God. My faith has been such a great source of comfort during these difficult times. I've chosen to trust that God has plan for DH and I.

Honestly, DH and I have decided that IUI, IVF, etc... it's just not an option for us. We'll do what we can up until that point (because we really would love the have a family), but we would also be happy to consider adoption. Or would probably be able to make peace with living child free.

While DH and I may be dealing with IF, we do realize that we have so much to be thankful for. God has blessed us with so much more than we deserve. Having a child together would just be the most amazing gift.

KLN1179 · June 2013

I am of the camp of "if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it". I have been trying to get pregnant for three years and not one time have I blamed God. I know He has a plan for me and if kids are a part of it, great. Sometimes we are tested, the choice us yours whether you turn to God or away. I turned to Him. I have faith that His plan for me is perfect.

katib77 · June 2013

I am agnostic so I really don't believe one way or the other. My hubs is lapsed Catholic. If people say they are praying for us, I say we'll take any and all...but don't know that it helps. Cant hurt though.
It is a double edged sword, lack of faith. No one to blame, but no one to put faith in. I've agreed if we have kids, to raise them Catholic if only til the age they can really decide for themselves. But I'm personally putting my faith in science and statistics. Hoping we end up on the good side.

MrsC430 · June 2013

I was raised Catholic (DH was raised Episcopalian) but we both sort of fell off the religious bandwagon after confirmation and once we became adults. So for us, God has not played a huge role in our journey.

We are tubal factor IF, so IVF has been our only option since day one. Knowing that the Catholic church doesn't support IVF, it's hard for me to consider trying to get back into that faith.

DH's family is still very religious and constantly tells us to pray and rely on God to help us through our IF struggles. While I know their intentions are good, these type of comments sometimes bug me.

I very much understand how you're feeling! It's certainly a tough thing to think about. *Hugs*

MrsC430 · June 2013

katib77:
I am agnostic so I really don't believe one way or the other. My hubs is lapsed Catholic. If people say they are praying for us, I say we'll take any and all...but don't know that it helps. Cant hurt though. It is a double edged sword, lack of faith. No one to blame, but no one to put faith in. I've agreed if we have kids, to raise them Catholic if only til the age they can really decide for themselves. But I'm personally putting my faith in science and statistics. Hoping we end up on the good side.

So true!

ccollins06 · June 2013

I too am Catholic and have actually found this whole experience has brought me closer to my faith. I have always been a person of faith, but was not practicing for several years. Through several life changes, I found my way back to the Church and it just feels right.

My faith has been a source of comfort to me as have the prayers of friends and family. H is Protestant and my FIL is a minister, so they have prayed with and over me several times and it is always an encouraging experience.

I do grapple with the ethical issues of IVF and to a much lesser extent, IUI. It's a big reason why I have been so slow to do any treatments. I actually work for my local diocese and have my benefits through them, which also means IUI and IVF are completely OOP.

Please know that I pass absolutely no judgement on anyone who goes the IVF route, it's such a personal decision that we are just not comfortable with at this point in our journey.

As far as the whole " God's plan for me" goes, I struggle less with the "why not me, "than, "why them?????" I work with a lowincome population and I see so many family situations that are just not ideal for raising children.

Sorry, I've rambled long enough, but great thread! If you've gotten through all that, here's something that may be helpful if you are struggling with the "why's" of God's plan:

A daily devotional entitled "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. I was gifted a hard copy and loved it so much I also purchased the app. It has been invaluable along my journey.

BorderGirl · June 2013

It is very difficult sometimes. But deep down we both believe that God's plan is best for us... better than we could ever hope for or dream of. We both believe he allows life and nature to happen in our imperfect world, but that in the end he uses all of that for our benefit.

It helps when I think back to one particular time in my life when I wanted something so badly I could barely breathe. And I am so glad now that God did not answer my prayer for that particular thing.

I also believe suffering has value, although admittedly it's a subject I still have to try hard to understand.

shelbeans82 · June 2013

Both DH and I were raised Catholic, but neither of us as adults feel any strong pull towards the church. I don't necessarily identify that God specifically has a plan for us, but I do feel like there is always a reason for when/how things happen. I also am thankful that I live in a time where fertility treatments are available to me and have no problem doing any of them including IVF.

Twinkie0612 · June 2013

I was raised Christian and went to Sunday school every week as a child. As an adult I was more of a C&E Christian, although the last few years I haven't even made it to church on holidays.

I guess I never really believed that God was up in heaven "choosing" who gets what disease (Here, you get cancer, you get MS, you get heart disease, you get IF...). Since I don't believe He chose IF for me, I can't really blame Him. I also believe that God wouldn't have given us the ability to perform ART, if He didn't want us to be able to use it. Even though God didn't decide that I would deal with IF, I believe He has helped me find the right doctor and clinic to help me overcome it.

thebeefamily · June 2013

I was baptized and raised Catholic. Seeking fertility treatments is always seen as a sin and even adoption can be an iffy subject unless the child(ren) are being abused by their parents. IVF was the ultimate form of betrayal because you're going against God's will.

However I stopped bothering myself with the Catholic church in 2011 when I confided in a fellow church member that my husband and I were doing fertility treatments. Keep in mind this was after she 'spilled her guts' to me and said it took her three years to conceive her first child and eight years to conceive her second. She told me she became pregnant through prayer alone and I should do the same. Yikes!

I never wanted to be that cruel to someone making a personal decision about a touchy and emotionally draining subject. How come a person can't pray to God and seek fertility treatments? Who says it can only be either or? Sounds a little out there and too black and white for me.

With my religious background I grew up knowing God can be cruel because he wants to strengthen our character. God puts us through it and he will get us through it too.

brookelynpaisley · June 2013

I was raised Catholic but never believed. I don't practice anything now (DH is the same). I do feel though, that if I had any faith, it would have been shattered by IF.

Mochadoodle · June 2013

IntuitiveBlue:
On Mother's Day (which was also St. Thomas Sunday), my priest said in his homily (sermon) that peace is the ultimate gift of faith. That if you don't have peace in your life, you need to work on your faith. That has stuck with me, and I've been working toward relinquishing control and giving it up to God. That's where the peace is - and I think I've known that most of my life. (Listen to the lyrics of Sarah McLachlan's song "Sweet Surrender" with that in mind - favorite song ever). When you're all worn out and have nothing left, all you can do is give it up to God. ("Sweet surrender is all that I have to give.")

This is amazing. Thanks for sharing.

GermanGirl2007 · June 2013

I was raised Christian, and growing up, ONLY went to Christian schools, so religion was a very big part of my life. My college major was even a religious major. IF has very little to do with it, but I don't know how I feel anymore. I seem to be feeling more agnostic. Overall, I don't think that God caused my infertility (because I refuse to believe that a loving God would intentionally inflict pain and suffering on people), but I question his real level of involvement with the world if he is there. At this point religion feels more "sentimental" to me than it does practical. All of my childhood memories, and my close familial relationships and even many of my friendships stem from some involvement with religion and the church.

Sometimes I wish I could feel that connection with religion and faith that I used to, but I feel like I need to carve my own path outside of organized religion and figure out what I really believe. I don't know if I ever believed what I did because of independent thought, or because that's what I was TOLD to believe when I was growing up. Still figuring things out.

RubiksElf · June 2013

I just want to start by saying I love how the conversation in this post has gone. Religion has the ability to be such a heated, emotionally-filled topic and there is no drama here at all. I think it's just attributed to how wonderful all of you women are!

For me, I've never been super religious, more on the spiritual side. I do find that my level of spirituality has varied at different points in my TTC journey. It's challenging for me to hear "It's all God's plan", because that makes me angry and I don't want to send anger in that direction. It's one thing if I say it myself, but completely different when I'm being told that. I guess that's true for a lot of things people say about IF who have never had to deal with it.

chelc512 · June 2013

Me and MH were both raised in very strong Catholic homes. We still strongly believe in our faith. I don't blame God for my near 2 years of trying without a BFP at all. If I believe in a supreme being .....that being God...... then I also have to believe in the opposite of that which would be the ......Devil and all his demons.... And Satan will do everything in his power to discourage us from our faith. I even believe he would go so far as diseases...ANYTHING that drives a wedge between us and God. And I believe that God is greater than all evil. And if you pray for His intercession He will help. It just may not always be in the way or on the timeline we expect. So I think that because of that my IF has strengthened my faith more than anything. There are days though that I have to remind myself these things. It can be easy to try to "blame God". But I know that blaming God has not ever helped me in any situation ever in my life. Whereas praying has. But also I know I can't just rely on praying. Here in South Louisiana we have joke: Boudreaux kept praying and asking God for him to win the lottery, week went by, he didn't win, Boudreaux prayed an prayed harder, again this week he didn't win. So he prayed as hard as he could and asked God "I've been praying every week for me to win the lottery how come you not answering my prayers?" And God said "Well, Boudreaux you didn't buy any tickets, you gotta help yourself if you want me to help you'"

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