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Blended Families
Gifts & Communication from BM - advice please
My sons are coming home today yay!!! But I wanted to ask your opinion on two issues I have with gifts BM made to them with zero communication to us. First, while the boys were with her she told DS16 that she would pay for a gym membership for him monthly so he could work out here. That is a nice thing to want to do, however, she did not discuss this with us first.
DS16 is already in Tae Kwon Do which is 4 nights a week, has JROTC, plays soccer and has Raiders (athletic competition team) everyday after school. His schedule is packed. DH or I would have suggested something else because 1) he has no time to work out in addition to his other activities and 2) how is he supposed to get back and forth to the gym? I can't work, do all the activities we already do for both kids and take two hours a day (40 mins drive time and an hour for him to work out) to make this happen. But he is all excited about it and now DH and I have to be the bad guys.
Secondly, she gave them a Nook e-reader that she password protected herself with her credit card information on there so she can buy them books, music etc. We do a good job about monitoring any kind of technology, have no wi fi, and I don't appreciate her doing this without discussing it with us first.
I feel like these are not just gifts but parenting decisions she is making without discussing it with us and she isn't the parent (at all). She is also setting us up to be the bad guy by having to say to them "I'm sorry but this isn't going to work that way". I want to broach the subject with her but do not want to start any drama. I think it is nice she wants to do things for them so I'm not over reacting. I do think she should have at least talked with us about it before promising these things.
A gift is one thing, but a monthly gym bill and access to her credit card via the Nook steps over many lines for me. I feel like she is sending home a Trojan Horse with them and trying to infiltrate my home (a bit over dramatic but I'm irritated right this second). I can see it now, Me: "where did you get that song/book?" Boys: "Oh we called BM and she bought it for us".
Thoughts? Let it go? Or if not, how would you approach the conversation?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Gifts & Communication from BM - advice please
I lack any history here...but the ereader thing seems great to me. Why would it be an issue if you asked where they got a book and it was from their mom? Books are a good thing, and even better when you don't have to pay for them!
The gym membership would indeed annoy me. Has she already done this? If not can she redirect the funds to some free weights so he can work out on his own time and not rely on you for driving?
I really don't have an issue with the books or e-reader. My issue is more of the purchasing without asking us first - and her credit card information being accessible via the Nook. How does she know if they earned it? Maybe they didn't do their homework this week and my answer would be no - you can't buy that when hers is yes - I will buy it for you. The kids like a lot of Rap/Eminem, that kind of thing. We always make sure they download the "clean" versions of songs they like. I don't like this bypassing of our parental supervision and making it her decision anytime she wants to. I review every single thing they download and use my credit card when I am satisfied all is good. If that makes sense. I do want input on if I am over reacting though. We are super careful with technology ever since we caught DS16 looking at porn when he was 12yrs.
I agree with you about the gym membership and no, she hasn't done it yet. I think she will be offended when I say something about it though. I don't know.
Let her be offended! I don't think you are over reacting and I think you or DH should explain to her nicely why you guys don't think those gifts are appropriate.
I think it's great that you are allowing the boys to get to know her, but I do think she has crossed the line. She gave her kids up for adoption, she does not get to make these kind purchases without your consent. I would be straight to the point, telling her that the gym membership is not going to happen and why and she must remove her credit card info and password or the nooks don't come home.
I understand that sets you all to look like the bad guy, but as you know parenting is hard. Then set up ground rules if they see her again. She is no different then any other person trying to buy love from the boys. I can see her stepping in on other things soon.
This is exactly how I'm feeling about it.
Regarding the Nook: take the Nook at night before bedtime and keep it until after the homework and chores are completed. Tell the kids you will be reviewing the content on the Nook and anything that is not appropriate will be deleted (you can do this from the Nook I believe, you don't need the credit card info to do it). Just because BM purchased it, doesn't mean you are completely powerless to monitor the usage.
The gym membership bugs me too. Simply put, you don't have the rime to get SS to and from the gym. Let BM waste her money if that's what she chooses to do. But maybe let her know the reasons you will not be able to get SS to the gym so that she has the chance to cancel it. It's completely unreasonable of her to put that sort of obligation on you without discussing with you first.
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I would not let it go!
Is the gym membership she purchased one to a national chain? Is there a gym closer that he could ride his bike to? We have a "gym" (it is small, but there is equipment) at both our community pool and community center (two separate locations and memberships, even though both have "community" in the name).
I also agree that your children should not have "secrets" that they share with BM alone. I would tell her that you want access to the PW so you can change it and control the parental limits - - if she wants to buy them books / games / music, she can get them B&N gift cards. You may be able to change the PW by going to Barnes and Noble without even involving BM - just tell them it is ok if they wipe off the credit card info because you will not be using that credit card for purchases.
I love the idea of GCs. But that still does not resolve the parental controls issue - they can use GCs freely whenever they want to use them, so it does not really fully resolve the concerns there.
Money is fungible; if she elects to waste it instead of invest it in something that will be used that is her choice. I hope if she does the gym membership that she does not use it to drive a wedge between you guys.
She did not purchase the gym membership yet - just promised it. DS16 is supposed to let her know which one he wants to go to when he gets home. This is where I'm annoyed because we will definitely be telling him this isn't going to happen.
I do plan on having the Nook "wiped". I will save any books, pics or music and have them re-loaded once I'm certain none of her personal info is in there anymore. Again, we will be the ones to have to explain why this is not ok.
The question I have is do I discuss it with her? I can just tell DS's "the way it is going to be" and let them tell her or not if they choose. Or, I can discuss with her why this isn't ok - but if I do, I'm not sure how to bring it up without sounding all territorial or jealous. Which I DO feel that way and wanted to know if you guys thought I am overreacting.
The kids really had a wonderful time and she tried hard to make it a good trip for them. I do appreciate that. I don't want the kids to think I'm trying to rain on their parade and nit pick. However, I do think BM knows better and is trying to see what she can get away with. Part of me says just proceed according to the set up rules of our home and let it go (no gym, no purchases from BM - unless gift card). I really don't owe her any explanation. She certainly didn't give me the courtesy of one. Then, part of me says explain myself and tell her nicely to talk to us about it first. But then I see her getting all offended and twisting it because she was just "trying to do something nice for them".
Either way, I feel like she has put DH & I in sh!tty place.
It isn't the Nook that bothers me so much as her loading her credit card information on it for purchases. Also, I should explain. She has not been in their lives since a couple of years before I met them (about 7 years total) until last year. She calls a couple times a month, visited here once, and this is their first trip to visit her. I really haven't had to deal with her at all mostly. So this sudden invasion has me on the defense.
I monitor gift cards and do not let them download freely. They have to show me first.
What you said about driving a wedge is what bother's me. I feel that she knows better and is setting up a situation where she looks like the "loving mother" and we are the bad guys.
Please do not take this TOO out of proportion, but if you went out of your way to get full custody and adopt these children, then why did you allow them visitation again?
There was a reason why this woman AND a judge allowed the adoption to go forward right? SHE WASN'T A GOOD PARENT!?!
So while I am not knocking you per se, but you sort of opened yourself up to these kind of overstepping of boundaries by allowing her such full access.
So you should not be surprised by her lack of common sense, to calculated actions.
Not to mention, you are opening up your sons to immense confusion here. Hey, we adopted you because it was the best thing for you, but we are also going to let you spend days to weeks alone with the woman who we did not think was safe/good for you.
I don't take this out of proportion and think it is a good question. It is complicated so I will try to be brief. DH & BM were middle school sweethearts, got married at 18yrs old and popped out two kids right away. It was the typical got married too young story. DH joined the military and was stationed in another state. BM stayed at home in another state and did her best with a toddler and infant. She did not handle the responsibility well at that age. Her parents took custody of the boys while BM "sowed her wild oats" so to speak (her and DH were officially separated at this point). After two years they told DH to come get the boys or sign over permanent custody to them. DH went and picked the boys up and moved them to where he was stationed.
Next, the very nasty divorce and custody battle ensued. DH had a good paying job in the military and a new wife. BM did not have a stable home or way to support the boys at that time (even with child support) and custody was awarded to DH. DH 2nd ex wife is a very vindictive person who interfered in every way with visitation. DH did not stop 2nd ex from interfering because he had a lot of negative baggage in regards to BM. He felt justified in keeping them from her. BM was really poor at that time and had a hard time fighting from across the country. She had another child with her new husband that she had to focus on and eventually gave up trying to have a relationship with my DS's. She moved on with her life and started getting her act together. There is so much detail I'm leaving out here but it would take a novel to cover every particular.
FFWD to me meeting DH & the boys. DH divorces 2nd ex before we met. I asked about BM and heard nothing but bad things about their marriage. Not necessarily that she was a bad parent. Not great perhaps, but who is at 18yrs old? We had a lot on our plate when we first got together so for me it was out of sight out of mind. 5 years passed and I thought to adopt them because I love them and they deserved to be claimed. If anything happened to DH I would have no rights as a SM and BM would be a total stranger at this point. When I asked DS's for their permission to adopt them, I also told them if they ever wanted to know their BM I would be supportive of that.
End of story. DS16 asked a year ago January to contact BM. I have been supportive. I don't think the boys are confused. They know I am their legal guardian and BM is their BM. She has two kids now, and a stable home with her husband. DS's want to know her. I would never stop them from that - even if it opens me up to her "lack of common sense". They aren't in danger, have had a great time but these two issues came up.
There are a lot of things about BM I don't love or agree with. I would have never stopped fighting if they were mine. I do judge her and don't feel that she deserves the time of day from them. However, I don't feel that it is my choice. It is their choice and they need to decide for themselves. If they were younger I would be more concerned about them being confused. But at 16 & 14yrs and knowing that they will always have me no matter what, they are old enough to decide for themselves. They have two siblings they want to know. And they want to know BM.
I imagine they will decide many things that will give me pause and I might not agree with. But it is their life and I will support them in what they choose even if it puts me in uncomfortable situations like telling them no about gym memberships and free flow purchases on a Nook. Does that make more sense?
Edit - I would like to add that she was an absent parent, not a dangerous one. I do believe she loves them and regrets her decisions. But I can't help her with that.
I agree with several of the PPs. She is not the parent anymore and therefore doesn't get to make any parent decisions. That said, I agree with treating it like it was another relative like an aunt. An aunt might buy a gift you don't agree with and you should treat the BM the same in this case and handle it the same way.
If it was a grandparent I would discuss it. This advice makes sense to me. Although, grandparents would probably ask us first. Thank you for the response.
So now I'm confused as to why you are so up in arms about the gifts.
Let her make monthly payments for a gym. It doesn't mean you have to transport SS and he will soon realise it is not a viable gift.
The nook is an awesome gift. If you wipe it it will be a very petty thing to do. Like a PP said, monitor what they are reading and be glad they are reading.
Phantom, every time I see your posts I miss looking at your dogs. Love that German Shepherd.
If she makes payments for a gym membership, DS16 will want to go. Again, we are the jerks for not taking him to this wonderful thing BM signed him up for...without asking us. The zero communication from BM regarding such a gift is what has my fur up. And whether I should say something to her about it or not.
As far as the Nook, I don't plan to wipe and lose everything they have. I will back up the pics/books/music, wipe her financial info and re-load them. I am not trying to be petty, but I do feel like, again, she should have talked to us about it first. There is no way she is going to be purchasing stuff for them to download without our knowledge. It is really easy enough to ask us - we are reasonable people. Obviously, we sent the boys to her in the first place.
To clarify, the Nook she has given them has apps, games, music AND books. If it was just your basic read a book e-reader I wouldn't mind so much. Even then, I still think it would be appropriate to discuss it with us first. Thank you for responding.
Ok I am totally on board with wiping the credit card. No 14 / 16 year old should have access to a credit card, never mind unmonitored.
I do think that in regards to the gym she should have talked to you guys.
In a way it's kinda sad! He does not need it as he does enough sport but she dosent know that, instead she is desperately trying to buy his love.
Honestly trust your gut, you've done a great job so far.
If you assume positive intent, she may have put the CC on the nook so it's not a gift that you will have to pay for, so to speak. We get these posts here often when one parent buys something for the child that then obligates the other parent to financially maintain (such as a smart phone). Then people are justifiably annoyed because it wasn't discussed with them and now they either bad guys for refusing to pay the monthly charge, or they feel like they have to and it's annoying. So, perhaps, her thinking was that she bought the gift and doesn't want to inconvenience you to maintain it financially. So, it really is all paid for by her. What she may have thought as a curteious thing to do is the very thing that annoys you and you find it as inappropriate and overstepping. Can you clarify with her? You do seem like a reasonable person, I'm sure if you approach the conversation in this manner, she won't be offended and you can clear it all up.
As for the gym, ask your SS when realistically he is planning on fitting these workouts in. He is 16, does he drive? If he does not, and you let him figure it out that logistically there really is no time during his week to fit this in, you won't be the bad guy, he will be able to explain to his mom, that after he thought about it, he can't really fit it in. I think the purchase of free weights instead could be a great plan B.
We just got home from picking the boys up from the airport. They are great and full of their stories and adventures. The best part was watching them get mauled by the dogs who I would bet money missed them even more than we did.
As always, you ladies provide me with all the sides and perspectives and I thank you. In response to some of the recent posts. I do believe the intent was a good one. I have a hard time imagining things from BM's side and naturally she is trying to make up for lost time and put her best foot forward. Also, that DS16 will see the conflicts of his schedule. I already asked him on the way home when he thought he was going to have time to work out and he is stumped. He has a driver's permit but we are going slowly with that. He cannot drive solo just yet.
This has been hard for me when I haven't had to share before. In a perfect world BM would have discussed all these things with us prior to, but she didn't. We will wait a couple of days to talk with her because I'm sure the boys departure has left her and their siblings feeling raw. When things mellow, DH said he should be the one to call and say thank you...but if she would, please let us know ahead of time so we can fill her in on any conflicts and prevent any negative feeling from any of the parties. I think hearing it from DH (they buried the hatchet during her visit last summer) would be better.
As for me, and as I spouted off in an earlier post, I try to be rational but sometimes I can't help feeling jealous, territorial, and possessive of my kids. The side that says "how dare you" comes out with a vengeance. This road hasn't been easy and there are a lot of sacrifices. It is hard to watch someone swoop in and try to steal what is mine. That is so ridiculous but it is challenging to overcome. That is why I appreciate this board. I know you will give it to me straight. Thank you, again, ladies for all the great advice and feedback.
Their "Mom" is their BM but she lost parental rights and the OP adopted them and is now their Mom. Her and her DH let the boys visit their BM in their best interest but the BM has no right to decide if there is a book, movie, video, etc that their parents are not ok with.
Thank you for clarifying LittleJen. I know this subject hits close to home.