Contemplating nixing ttc2

OceanBreeze1 · June 2013

We're heading for our first iui of ttc2 as soon as af arrives...but now I'm wondering if I want to be one and done.

Dh was recently dx'd with rheumatoid arthritis and his doc wants him on the meds asap, and we can't ttc while he's on them. We decided we'd do one iui and try to freeze sperm for another if it's not successful.

We were never 100 percent on having to have another since having dd, so it wouldn't be crushing. But now I'm thinking one may be enough.

Is that selfish? I was an only child until I was 14, so I'm OK with dd not having a playmate. But I feel like I'm taking away her chance at growing up with a sibling and having someone after dh and I are gone.

I just look at dd and love that she's my world, that we're able to do fun stuff and travel a lot...which would be a lot harder financially with two, or three, lol. I'm paranoid we'll have twins, lol.

I'm just rambling, getting thoughts out. Wondering if I'm just frustrated at IF and going back through this, plus I'm already so busy wahm and trying to keep the house together. Because I'm almost 35, and I want kids close in age if that's what we do, so this would be it.

Anyone else have similar thoughts? I feel like I'm giving up if we don't try until we succeed...

TJ1979 · June 2013

Big hugs ocean. That's a really tough call. It's not selfish at all. Only you can know when your family feels complete. Talk it out with YH. See how he feels. GL with a decision.

OceanBreeze1 · June 2013

TJ1979:
Big hugs ocean. That's a really tough call. It's not selfish at all. Only you can know when your family feels complete. Talk it out with YH. See how he feels. GL with a decision.

Thanks, TJ! Yeah, DH is pretty much in the same boat as me. We've been like 70/30 about having another (original "plan" was always two, lol), with each of us leaning more towards having another at one point then the other would feel that, so it's been a lot of back and forth.

Basically, we'd both be OK if we didn't have two. I'm more thinking long term if we'll regret that decision, because we wouldn't ever regret having another, kwim? I feel complete now, but I don't want to look back in five years and curse myself. Ugh. It just feels like such a *final* decision, and it shouldn't.

I hate IF.

JBDamonM · June 2013

TJ1979:
Big hugs ocean. That's a really tough call. It's not selfish at all. Only you can know when your family feels complete. Talk it out with YH. See how he feels. GL with a decision.

this exactly!!! Although I do want to add that I am sorry about your husbands dx. IF sucks as it is - really stinky to have that thrown in the mix.

hugs.

ELF4321 · June 2013

I have lost both of my parents in the last three years, and it would have been much harder if I didn't have my siblings. I think about that a lot , especially since DH and I are a little older. But I don't think that's a good enough reason to have a second child if you're not sure you want one.

Having a sibling is no guarantee that you'll have someone to lean on. I've seen that with a friend's family. Even though the siblings generally got along, when their parents died, two of the four siblings became very difficult and fought everything related to settling the estate. Now two no longer speak to the other two, they had to go to court to deal with eveverything, and it made an already difficult situation about 10x worse.

What about having YH freeze a few samples before going on the meds, that you could use for a later IUI if you decide to go for a second?

OceanBreeze1 · June 2013

JBDamonM:
TJ1979:
Big hugs ocean. That's a really tough call. It's not selfish at all. Only you can know when your family feels complete. Talk it out with YH. See how he feels. GL with a decision.
this exactly!!! Although I do want to add that I am sorry about your husbands dx. IF sucks as it is - really stinky to have that thrown in the mix.
hugs.

Thank you!

OceanBreeze1 · June 2013

ELF4321:
I have lost both of my parents in the last three years, and it would have been much harder if I didn't have my siblings. I think about that a lot , especially since DH and I are a little older. But I don't think that's a good enough reason to have a second child if you're not sure you want one. Having a sibling is no guarantee that you'll have someone to lean on. I've seen that with a friend's family. Even though the siblings generally got along, when their parents died, two of the four siblings became very difficult and fought everything related to settling the estate. Now two no longer speak to the other two, they had to go to court to deal with eveverything, and it made an already difficult situation about 10x worse. What about having YH freeze a few samples before going on the meds, that you could use for a later IUI if you decide to go for a second?

Thanks for your thoughts! I am so very sorry for your loss. Big hugs!

Yeah, the plan is to freeze some just in case, so I guess we can revisit that in a bit -- but DH would have to be on the meds for at least 9 months, then 3 months off before we can try, so that would mean at least another year.

I know just because they are siblings doesn't mean that they'd be friends, and we wouldn't have another *just* for that reason...it's just a reason why I'm feeling selfish for thinking about being one and done. You make good points! Thank you!!!

OceanBreeze1 · June 2013

LeahB12:
Not selfish at all! You do what is best for your family. If that means one and done then that's great. I know plenty of adult only children who have lots of friends and other family members who they are close to. Your LO will be just fine.

Thank you!

I know I'm being silly, ugh. My bff has been so for 21 years, and I'm tons closer to her than my 21-year-old sister (who is 14 years younger than me), so I know blood =/= family.

Thanks, ladies, for helping me not feel so selfish.

Mr. & Mrs. Woodtick · June 2013

First, I am sorry for what your husband is going through. I don't think you're being selfish at all. After my two CPs I've comtemplated whether or not I want to keep TTC#2 or if I should just be grateful for what I have. So, while I've had similiar thoughts, mine are out of fear. I will say though that I think your LO will be fine as an only child. You and YH have to decide what is best for your family.

OceanBreeze1 · June 2013

Ducky719:
Every once in awhile I have thoughts like, how could I do this to DD? Have another child and not make her my entire world (well her and DH). I too want to do family vacations and special things with her...and that would change a little because financially, like you said, it's harder to afford that kind of life style with more children! Of course, I know for sure that I want to at least try for a second child. DH and I have discussed it at length and it's what we want to do...but we do not have the added pressures of rheumatoid arthritis. AUGH, what a hard spot to be in!

You voiced what I didn't! Thanks!

And part of me wanted to at least try for that natural bfp, kwim? And that failed, so I'm all "eh." Maybe it wouldn't be so horrible to get in shape, not have an infant again and just have fun, right?! And get DH not feeling so damn crappy all the time.

IBackBevo · June 2013

Yeah, DH and I have talked a lot about being OAD...or OAD for now. For me it isn't just about IF issues. I had such a hard, high-risk pregnancy. I can't see jumping into treatment followed by that again. For me, the idea of having two children actually seems much less overwhelming then going through another pregnancy like the one I had last time, but this time not just having to balance it with my career, but also having to try to balance it with my job plus a child. And even though the situation sucked, ultimately my LO was okay...but we might not be so lucky next time. Yet, with my particular problem, by waiting I run the risk of losing any chance I may have at another child. So I go back-and-forth about when to seek treatment or if we should do it at all.

It also does not help that my DH is 100 percent OK with being OAD. In fact, I think he would prefer to be OAD. We always have joked with respect to several of our pets that "if you get a good one, it is time to stop." (We adopted a Great Dane who was the most amazing pet for over a decade, but every dog we have had since him has had behavior issues. Our first two cats were great, but everyone after that has been crazy or mean or both.) At any rate, now he jokingly uses that term to apply to our situation.

EDIT: And I also totally know what you mean about getting back in shape again! And I don't think that is selfish at all! I've even thought about having a little plastic surgery to fix things, but obviously that would be stupid to do and then get pregnant again and just mess it up.

Also, in my experience, I don't think that alot of only children "long" for a brother or sister. Of all my friends who are "only" children, I only know one who says she longed for a sibling as a child. I don't think you miss what you don't know. My brothers are 13 years older than me and I don't really have much of a relationship with either one. They are more like distant uncles than siblings. And, honestly, I did not miss the sibling bond at all growing up. I remember glad I didn't have to share my parent's attention or my toys. I liked being the center of attention. I also was very good at playing on my own as a child. And I had friends and cousins to play with, too.

ccam · June 2013

I don't think it's selfish at all! If you feel as though your family would be complete with your DD, than so be it. I know plenty of only children that are perfectly happy! Not every sibling relationship is as perfect as we picture them to be. DH's cousin is an only child and you'd never know it - she's surrounded with so many friends, cousins and other family!

pb_bride · June 2013

OB, it's no easy decision, and there's no "right" or "wrong." I'm having a difficult time with this as well, for other reasons. I have a brother and we had such a great relationship growing up, so if I were to have a second child, it would be 98% for DS and 2% for me. Altho I had an easy pg physically, I was a mess mentally, constantly anxious and worrying about all the "what ifs". I don't know if I can go through another 40wks of that, not to mention the first 3 post-partum months. (this makes me feel guilty/selfish) HOwever, when I look at M, it breaks my heart when I think that he'll grow up alone... and it doesn't help that he has no 1st cousins either. DH & I are both older, so when he's old enough to start his family, he'll have to worry about our healths.

I still have 6 months to decide (I want to BF for a whole year), but I don't know if I'll have a definitive decision then!

Saraevh · June 2013

I am an only child. My parents got divorced when I was 22 and my mom has since remarried and I have a step brother and sister, but we are more just friends since we were all adults when our parents married each other.

My mom said she would have had another, my dad was always one and done. I can honestly say I don't feel as though I missed out on anything growing up. I was always surrounded by family and had a ton of friends. I went to private schools my whole life, we went on big family vacations every year, my parents were able to pay for my college tuition, for my wedding and even helped me with my masters degree when they by no means 'had' to (was married and working full time). If I had siblings I doubt they would have been able to do all of those things for me (not that those things were all necessary, but definitely perks).

I always used to think it would be sad when my parents passed away because I thought I wouldn't have anyone else to go through it with, but now I have a family of my own who I know will be there for me when that unfortunate time comes. I definitely won't go through it alone.

With that being said, I always wanted a bigger family because I have just always loved children and knew I wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I also knew I wanted to be a teacher for as long as I can remember too. So, my reasoning for wanting three children isn't based off of my childhood at all if that makes sense. Honestly, I would even consider having more if things like braces, cars, clothes, food, college, IF BS, etc didn't pop into my head every time I thought about it

You need to do what is best for your family. If having one child is what's best for you then there is nothing selfish about it. Your daughter isn't going to be any worse or better off either way. A family is what you make it whether you are a family of 3 or a family of 10, ya know?

imoverit · June 2013

I feel this way lots. Especially after a failed cycle. I want another one so bad for M but DH and I really would be fine with one. Im an only child and I wish I had a sibling. DH has a twin so he knows nothing different. Maybe do the IUI and then see. Not any easy decision. And much harder with IF let alone a DH with RA.

OceanBreeze1 · June 2013

Mr. Mrs. Woodtick:
First, I am sorry for what your husband is going through. I don't think you're being selfish at all. After my two CPs I've comtemplated whether or not I want to keep TTC2 or if I should just be grateful for what I have. So, while I've had similiar thoughts, mine are out of fear. I will say though that I think your LO will be fine as an only child. You and YH have to decide what is best for your family.
nbsp;

Thank you! And some of mine is out of fear, too.

OceanBreeze1 · June 2013

IBackBevo, what you said hit home. I'm also worried about how to manage everything with a newborn, and I have a big fear about what you said about stopping after you get a good one.

We know too much and I worried so much, and now I am finally resting easier...do I tempt all that?

Thanks for understanding, and for your thoughts! It helps.

OceanBreeze1 · June 2013

ccam:
I don't think it's selfish at all! nbsp;If you feel as though your family would be complete with your DD, than so be it.nbsp; I know plenty of only children that are perfectly happy!nbsp; Not every sibling relationship is as perfect as we picture them to be.nbsp; DH's cousinnbsp;is an only child and you'd never know itnbsp; she's surrounded with so many friends, cousins and other family!nbsp; nbsp;
nbsp;

Thank you! Yeah, I had cousins, too, but dd's only cousin from dh's only sibling lives in Germany now...and my sister is only 21 so who knows over there.

But you're absolutely right. Thanks!

OceanBreeze1 · June 2013

pb_bride:
OB, it's no easy decision, and there's no "right" or "wrong." I'm having a difficult time with this as well, for other reasons. I have a brother and we had such a great relationship growing up, so if I were to have a second child, it would be 98% for DS and 2% for me. Altho I had an easy pg physically, I was a mess mentally, constantly anxious and worrying about all the "what ifs". I don't know if I can go through another 40wks of that, not to mention the first 3 post-partum months. (this makes me feel guilty/selfish) HOwever, when I look at M, it breaks my heart when I think that he'll grow up alone... and it doesn't help that he has no 1st cousins either. DH & I are both older, so when he's old enough to start his family, he'll have to worry about our healths.
I still have 6 months to decide (I want to BF for a whole year), but I don't know if I'll have a definitive decision then!

Ugh, we sound in similar shoes. DH's only sibling (and DD's one cousin) lives in Germany and my only sibling is only 21.

While I definitely worried about all the what-ifs as well, I'm most *NOT* looking forward to the first six months, lol...when I was BF and sat on the couch All.Day.Long. I can't do that with a toddler, so how do I get around that?! Lol

Good luck on your decision, too!

OceanBreeze1 · June 2013

Saraevh:

I always used to think it would be sad when my parents passed away because I thought I wouldn't have anyone else to go through it with, but now I have a family of my own who I know will be there for me when that unfortunate time comes. I definitely won't go through it alone.
With that being said, I always wanted a bigger family because I have just always loved children and knew I wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I also knew I wanted to be a teacher for as long as I can remember too. So, my reasoning for wanting three children isn't based off of my childhood at all if that makes sense. Honestly, I would even consider having more if things like braces, cars, clothes, food, college, IF BS, etc didn't pop into my head every time I thought about it
You need to do what is best for your family. If having one child is what's best for you then there is nothing selfish about it. Your daughter isn't going to be any worse or better off either way. A family is what you make it whether you are a family of 3 or a family of 10, ya know?

Very true, great points! Thank you!

I consider myself an only child and think I have a better imagination because of it, lol -- but I needed other input in case I'm just that much of an introvert and don't know any better!

OceanBreeze1 · June 2013

imoverit:
I feel this way lots. Especially after a failed cycle. I want another one so bad for M but DH and I really would be fine with one. Im an only child and I wish I had a sibling. DH has a twin so he knows nothing different. Maybe do the IUI and then see. Not any easy decision. And much harder with IF let alone a DH with RA.

Yep. I think the prospect of admitting "failure" and starting an IUI when AF arrives has me digging in my heels in fear of going through this again. Now I'm wondering if I even want to do the IUI, lol. Oy.

Fx for you!!!

Mrs.AmyDylan · June 2013

Hugs, Ocean. I hear you. We had always talked about three, but with no frosties we may be back to the beginning if we want another. Plus, I'm not ready anytime soon to wean, so it may be awhile.

Good luck on your cycle and decision!

firewife9278 · June 2013

(((HUGS)))

It's a really tough decision to make. I always envisioned my family as having 2-3 kids. Then we had our IF journey, and were blessed with DD. I feel whole, and complete with her, so I know that our decision to be OAD is right for us.

That doesn't mean that every now and then we don't look at the empty 4th chair at the table, or the extra bedroom and think ... what if. And then we toy with the idea of going back to the RE right away. And then I think about the fact that right now there's so much we can do as a family of 3 that would be financially so much harder with another baby in the mix.

I have a brother. He's 3 years younger, and we never played together growing up. We never hang out now. I see him a couple times a month when we go have dinner with my parents, and we trade "likes" on instagram. That's about it.

Bottom line, don't feel guilty for whatever you decide. XOXO As always, I'm here if you want to talk.

OceanBreeze1 · June 2013

Mrs.AmyDylan:
Hugs, Ocean. I hear you. We had always talked about three, but with no frosties we may be back to the beginning if we want another. Plus, I'm not ready anytime soon to wean, so it may be awhile.nbsp;Good luck on your cycle and decision!nbsp;

Thank you!

OceanBreeze1 · June 2013

firewife9278:
HUGS
It's a really tough decision to make. I always envisioned my family as having 23 kids. Then we had our IF journey, and were blessed with DD. I feel whole, and complete with her, so I know that our decision to be OAD is right for us.
That doesn't mean that every now and then we don't look at the empty 4th chair at the table, or the extra bedroom and think ... what if. And then we toy with the idea of going back to the RE right away. And then I think about the fact that right now there's so much we can do as a family of 3 that would be financially so much harder with another baby in the mix.
I have a brother. He's 3 years younger, and we never played together growing up. We never hang out now. I see him a couple times a month when we go have dinner with my parents, and we trade "likes" on instagram. That's about it.
Bottom line, don't feel guilty for whatever you decide. XOXO As always, I'm here if you want to talk. :

Thank you!!!!! Yeah, going to Europe with two kids just wouldn't be feasible, lol. Ugh, I guess we'll see how the iui goes. I just wish af would get here, lol!

CallMeAl · June 2013

Big, big hugs. I'm so sorry you and your DH are having to make this decision.

DH and I talked a long time about how far we would go to TTC #2. Those are really hard decisions and I wish you peace with whatever you and your DH decide.

KaliChick · June 2013

I'm not sure why people think having only one is selfish. In a lot of respects it's actually quite the opposite. You are giving your child undivided attention, the freedom to do things you might not be able to do with 2, etc. The whole "give them a sibling" is kind of silly in my book. Having a second (or third, fourth, etc) isn't a gift to your other child(ren), it's a life altering decision for YOU.

If you have a strong network of friends and family your child will never be alone, siblings or not. We have several friends that are OAD (like ourselves) and we know several adults that were onlies. None of them are worse for the wear for being onlies. In fact, several of our friends with siblings aren't close to them at all and have made decisions about parental care very difficult.

I do mourn it occasionally as my sister and I are VERY close. My husband and his brothers aren't so much. My parents are both only children. My sister and I both have onlies.

You shouldn't feel selfish for feeling complete with just your daughter. I think if you're afraid you'll never be able to love a second like you love your first ... that's a normal fear and you ask most moms of more than one and they will tell you they had the same fear and it's just silly. Will your life be different? Sure it will. Will it be just as awesome?? Of course it will! But don't have a second child just so you're not depriving your first of a sibling.

There's actually a One & Done board ... might want to check it out as there are several threads about why we're one and done.

schnena77 · June 2013

as I am getting close to 6 months pp - I am having doubts. my RE wants us to go for #2 in close proximity to #1 mostly in part due to my age and DH's age. I am 35 and DH is 40 so I get it but I am getting freaked out by how hard I think it will be with having 2 LOs. DH and I both have stressful jobs and feel very much exhausted and overwhelmed already - I cannot imagine having a second one right now. however, I will go for #2 because I know I will regret it if I don't in a few years and then it would be even harder to get pregnant due to age. I wish I had more time to decide but I don't. Best of luck with your decision.

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