Why do I bother?

IBackBevo · June 2013

Once again, I saw someone posting on facebook a link to some article that basically saying that the idea of woman's biological clock and that fertility begins to decline for a woman in her mid-30's was bogus. It used some questionable statistics and studies to promote the idea that women's fertility doesn't really decrease significantly in their 30's and 40's and most women can conceive easily well into their late 30's and 40's. Basically, it was saying "Hey, ladies - enjoy your life and pursue your career and worry about having babies later because this whole thing about a biological clock is just bullsh*t."

Of course, that was followed by a bunch of people agreeing and saying the whole idea of a bio clock was b.s. and then giving examples of how this celebrity or that celebrity pregnant in their late 40's "naturally" or their 2nd cousin's sister-in-law's best-friend's Mom was having a "whoops" baby at 45, etc.

The thing that I found annoying is that this is just the sort of thing that women rely on and think about when making life decision that they later regret. Plus, perpetuating false information. Fertility rates have been studied over and over and over again in the peer-reviewed medical literature and in legitimate, medical studies spanning decades with sample sizes in not just the hundreds or thousands, but the tens of thousands. It is beyond well-established by now that fertility rates decline pretty sharply starting at about 35 and pretty much take a nose dive about 44-45. And as my DH pointed out, not only that but the chances of miscarriage or chromosomal abnormalities goes up, too.

So I posted saying in a nice way that the article wasn't really accurate, that pregnancies of women in their mid to late 40's was the exception rather than the rule and a lot of celebrities who are pregnant later in life (i.e. Kelly Preston) are likely pregnant either after a lot of medial intervention or through use of a donor egg. I also mentioned that I had to go through ART.

Then I start getting slammed. Someone (who knows my experience) in response to my statement that you should not make future family planning choices just because you know one person who got pregnant in their late 40's, write: "Well, infertility at 31 is also the exception, too." (Which is a stupid statement anyway because about 10% of couples in their early 30's have IF as opposed to the pregnant rate of women 45 and up is 0.03%.) Even worse, someone else posts, "Well, my Mom got pregnant with me at 45...naturally - the way God intended it!" which I also felt like was a really low blow at me.

At that point, I just let it go because clearly these people want to burry their head in the sand and think they can put off having a baby until they are 45 and then will get pregnant within a couple of months. Sigh.

I just need to vent and knew y'all would understand. I just really get annoyed at this misinformation in the media (and among other individuals) that is influencing women to postpone child bearing until a point where the chances of conception even with ART are very low.

Mrs.AmyDylan · June 2013

Ugh! Some people are so stupid. Sure, some people get pregnant later in life, but if having children is a goal in life, it is best not put off until late 30s-early 40s if you are in a committed relationship. If you aren't in a relationship, it is a bigger decision.

Im sorry you got attacked on FB. My favorite quote for stuff like that is (Forgot the source) "never argue with an idiot, they will drag you down to their level and beat you at their own game"

LuvWIfootball · June 2013

I read that article today and am as annoyed as you. And I won't even get started on the comments mentioning "God".

I admit that I took my fertility for granted up until DH's cancer dx. I even joked that we shouldn't start TTC until 3 months or less before our wedding because I wouldn't want a baby bump in my dress. Embarrassed Yes, I am hanging my head in shame at those thoughts now. Little did I know that we wouldn't even get the opportunity to TTC.

My entire thought process has changed since that time, almost 5 yrs ago. I even encouraged my unwed, in a new relationship, 32yr old sister to stop preventing and try to get pregnant even it she's not married because she can't afford to wait much longer. I told her she could raise a baby just fine on her own and that we would help her. I have also mentioned that donor sperm is a good option and she wouldn't need a husband for that. I may have gone a little overboard in my pep talks to her, but I watched her waste 4 yrs of her life with a man who didn't want children even though she does. And I'm also afraid that she might unknown IF issues, like endometriosis, making her "more fertile" years even more precious. It just seems to risky to wait, regardless of what the article seems to say.

IBackBevo · June 2013

Yeah, I know...my DH always tells me: "Don't argue with a fool, people won't know the difference..." I guess I should listen. My main issue with this is that I was actually trying to get through to some of these women (who I know), but it was clearly in vain. I think everyone thinks that IF won't happen to them. And I can more understand that thought process if you are 21, but not when you are 35+.

Saraevh · June 2013

Even my close, IRL friends are so clueless about IF. I remember one of my best friends telling me that "soooo many women have endometriosis" and that it's "soooo common" and that "some people are just not meant to have children" when I was at my lowest point while TTC our first. It hurt me so bad and I'll never forgive her for it. Easy for her to say as she was sitting there 7 months pregnant after trying for one month.

Now, I don't even bother trying to explain anything or argue with anyone about it. I just pretend I never had any issues and let people think what they want to think. Be it right or be it wrong, that's just how I deal.

People are dumb and misinformed. Totally not even worth your time.

Dragonfly1226 · June 2013

I have stopped trying unless I am having a face to face conversation about it. This way i know my audience and can avoid idiots like the ones who were commenting on that post. The thing is that infertility is something that is almost impossible to really understand or be knowledgable about unless you are an RE or have been through it. There are a ton of misconceptions out there.

imoverit · June 2013

Im sorry they slammed you. That was very brave and admirable of you that you gave the facts and shared your story. You never know, someone that read it may benefit from your information in the future so good for you. The God comment really was a low blow.

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