Going back to work without a baby:(

fouadi · June 2013

I am just struggling with the thought of.. after having my 8 weeks off, if I should go back to work. To face all these I am sorry..plus my boss who is a friend of mine is pregnant also. I feel things would be better if I try to conceive first and come back once I am pregnant again. I come back with nothing just memories. I did save up monies where I could take off and do a few cycles of ivf before going back and at least if I come back with a bfp, I would feel I could hold my head up. I am just so lost. I do not want to replace my boys I just have the need to one day bring a baby home. My job is very high stress and hard manual labor. I may not be high risk, the next time. Even though I was never told I should have been seen by a high risk doctor until it was too late. I do believe my job contributed to the loss. It is a hard labor job, I vividly remember the harsh pulling thru my tummy as I worked the last day. This was before they said the placenta detached and made my cervix open. What would you all do?

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · June 2013

***SIGGY WARNING***

You are very, very, very fresh in your loss. Honestly I wouldn't make a decision about it now. You have at least a few weeks to think about it. My original plan was to not go back to work after maternity leave. Life had other plans. I ended up not taking my entire maternity leave and went back to work. By that point (about a month after everything happened), I longed for some type of "normal" even though everything changed. My situation is also a bit different. I don't have a labor job (it's a desk job) and I work from home so "going back to work" didn't mean I have to face people.

The thing is, you can't hide from the world forever, as much as you'd like to. Regardless of the timing of when you go back you're going to get "the look" and the "I'm sorry's". Being pregnant again doesn't stop that either - trust me. If anything it invites further comments.

The other thing - You've got 8 weeks leave. You'll have a post-partum appointment with your doctor. At that appointment they should tell you (or you should ask) when they feel it's ok for you to try again. They may tell you that physically you need to wait 3 cycles. So that's 3 months. Then what if it takes 3 or 4 or 5 IVF cycles or I'm sorry, but what if it doesn't happen. Can you really afford to take that much time off work? There's also a HUGE mental aspect to being PGAL. You can't completely prepare for it but it is something you need to think about because trying again doesn't just involve the physical aspect.

Ultimately only you can make the decision.

Wishing you peace and love.

shandorfml2 · June 2013

You have time to figure this out. Focus on healing, and resting, and grieving right now. I would think any hard labor job would be a bad idea during pregnancy (even a normal one) all things to talk about with your doc. GL!

Heatherhah · June 2013

I felt like you did I wanted to get pregnant the minute I knew she had passed, I even asked my doctor when I could get pregnant again. She told me to just get through delivery and we would talk but I had to prepare for a plan in my head since my sweet baby girl was gone. It took us 6 months to get pregnant and and that wad with a little help from the fertility doctors we took clomid to have my rainbow. Grieving makes it very hard to get pregnant at least for me. I put so much pressure on myself to get pregnant again that I had a 40 day cycle and for me that is not normal. I am very regular 28 day cycle always. So like previous poster said you really do not know when you will get pregnant again and it might not be with twins. You kind of need to prepare yourself for that as well. YOur next pregnancy might be a singleton and that is okay one healthy baby is a blessing for sure. I know you had a plan and it was crushed and that sucks but you need to feel these feelings about your sweet babies and grieve for them. Have you considered maybe going to a grief counselor I did and it helped me so much. I think it helps to speak to someone who understands. Or maybe join a loss group I belong to two and these ladies are my savors when I needed them. Grief is so hard to handle alone. When I returned to work people avoided me and that was okay. Some people wanted to see pictures of my Sydney but others were to scared they thought it would be a horror show but I lost my baby at 38 wks she was a baby and weighed 10lb 3 oz. She was perfect. I was open to discuss her as often as I could and I do and have. I also keep her pictures on my desk at work so I can always see her sweet face. I am so sorry that you are in so much pain and time really does help even if it doesn't seem like it now. It has been 21 months since w elost our baby and it is tough but it is easier to breath I promise you will get there. Hugs!! Heather

OSUWifey09 · June 2013

***SIGGY WARNING***

I honestly couldn't have said it better than fluttergirl. Your loss is still so fresh. I remember the overwhelming sense to get pregnant again right away, but after a failed cycle, I made myself step back and get mentally/physically better. I wouldn't make a decision about this now, especially since it's still so early after your loss. Ultimately, you will do what you feel is best - the rest of this is just from opinion and experience. I do hope you take the time to heal before really giving a new baby some thought though.

nuttycoconut · June 2013

......Siggy warning........

I responded to your post on the multiples board if you want to read. I had a very hard time when I went back to work. I had to see pregnant people, I felt like work contributed to my loss, etc. It was a very difficult 6 months. When I got pregnant again, my doctor wrote me out at 19 weeks and I went on disability and partial bed rest. I went to doctor appointments every single week to monitor my low lying placenta and cervix. I drank a ton of water and rested and was able to make it to 35 weeks 1 day. Don't worry about making decisions now. Just take your time navigating through the grief and you can decide what to do next month.

fouadi · June 2013

Thanks so much! I really needed that, someone who has been in the same situation. I know it will be difficult to go back to work without them, hopefully in the next year I will have good news and smiling from ear to ear again:)

Take care and thanks again

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