Tough spell lately (warning: rainbow baby mentioned)

weddedwife · June 2013

Proof that even over a year out from loss, grief just hits you sometimes. I've been having a tough time lately. I read a few faith-based books recently about child/baby loss upon others' recommendations. I haven't been a believer for quite some time. But these books got me thinking, and I'm confused. I don't know what to think.

Also, my interactions in public can be so draining. I'm out & about a lot with my 3 yo and/or our rainbow baby, both girls. I get a lot of questions and/or comments from random people or acquaintances: "Is this your first?" "Do you have any other children?" "Be thankful you don't have boys!" People comment on the age difference between my two girls and how it's "ideal". Well I had other plans. My responses vary depending on who's asking and my mood. But it's tiring- I'm tired of feeling different, guarded, worried what question they might ask next. I can fake it but really, I can't relate to most people anymore. It always comes back to this experience that they can't understand. This experience that shapes every single part of me now.

I'm constantly paranoid about our rainbow baby. Like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Lately she's started rolling onto her tummy at night. When I find her that way in the crib a cold fear grips my chest and I feel sick until I'm assured she's okay. I dread those night time checks because of the feeling it creates in the pit of my stomach. The anxiety is overwhelming in that moment.

I miss my son. I miss my life. I miss being the laid back person I was. And yet I love our rainbow to pieces; it's just complicated. I wish I could just love her without her existence being conditional on our son's death. It's an awful burden to bear.

No point to this post, really. Just need to vent to people who get it. Thanks for listening.

Bayberry12 · June 2013

So many hugs to you Wedded!

I can relate to everything you are saying. Although, I haven't been able to have another child yet, I do understand the fear doesn't go away. Sadly we know how quickly life can change.

Going out and dealing with strangers or even people I know, is exhausting for me too. Dealing with the comments and questions is so hard. I'm learning to just deal any way I can. Sadly, because I have continued to have losses, it has made me very open about our family planning issues. I no longer feel the need to keep my struggles to myself, if people ask.

I know you are missing your little boy and loving your rainbow. I just hope things get easier for you.

jbranden12 · June 2013

Hugs I totally get not being able to relate to anyone. That's a big reason why I don't post on tb much anymore. I have all these boards for different areas of my experiences a mother. Loss, preemies, special needs, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, pgal. But no one can understand what we've been through and are going though. It' tough. I love Anna so much, but she has made my life even harder. Like you said, it's complicated.

angelsnight · June 2013

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. Big hugs to you!

Kris721 · June 2013

I can totally relate. I have my 4 year old DD and my rainbow baby 4 month old DD and people are always like "2 girls!" "Sisters!" "Be glad you don't have a boy" etc etc.....um, I did have a boy but he was stillborn. And this comes from people who KNOW about Logan. I'm so sad that people forget about him.

cawettig · June 2013

Can you let me know what books you have been reading? I have been trying to find some and I am not sure where to look.

shandorfml2 · June 2013

So sorry for your loss lots of hugs. It's such a difficult road to walk. You are right....people who haven't lost a child just don't get it, and never will. It can be hard to live in a world where baby loss is taboo, and people go on naively thinking nothing bad ever happens.

Bayberry12 · June 2013

Kris721:
I can totally relate. nbsp;I have my 4 year old DD and my rainbow baby 4 month old DD and people are always like "2 girls!" "Sisters!" "Be glad you don't have a boy" etc etc.....um, I did have a boy but he was stillborn. nbsp;And this comes from people who KNOW about Logan. nbsp;I'm so sad that people forget about him.nbsp;

I am so sorry. I can't believe anyone would say some thing like that! That is so upsetting and awful.

tuscanbride2007 · June 2013

I am so sorry that you are having a rough time. I hate that we all (even though at different stages) have this burden to bear.

I hate how uncomfortable people get around me when I mention that I have 2 children (although one isn't here with us). And I can only imagine how much more difficult and exhausting it is when people make comments about how many children you have. I have more than once made it known that the question of how many children do you have can be quite hurtful to those that have lost a child. People seem taken a back by that but it finally dawns on them.

(((HUGE HUGS)))

Heatherhah · June 2013

I know exactly how you feel about well everything but really I am the same way with my rainbow I worry about every single thing that she does. I check her constantly all night long I have no idea how I get any sleep at all. It sucks. I wish I could go back to being pleasantly naive about death and problems that occur during pregnancy and after. Hugs my friend you ar enot alone!!!

Heather

weddedwife · June 2013

cawettig:
Can you let me know what books you have been reading? I have been trying to find some and I am not sure where to look.nbsp;

The faith based ones I read recently are "Heaven is for Real" and "Jesse, Found in Heaven". But there are other really good books about baby loss, that are not specifically faith based. My favorite was "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination". "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" was also very good.

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