Discouraged
mjcasd
member
Hello!
I'm new and was scrolling through looking for support today and found all of you. DH and I got married three years ago and have been seriously TTC for a little over a year. We had a miscarriage at exactly 5wks in August 2012 and nothing has happened since then. I was hopeful this month, but just got another BFN and feel hopeless.
I was devastated after our loss, but felt as though it would happen again. It had happened once right? Each AF since then feels like a slap in the face and this month was the last straw. Last month I contacted my OB but since we don't have IF insurance, she is not able to even ask for tests. I've heard that acupuncture may be helpful, but I don't even know where to turn. My heart aches and my DH can only understand so much of what I'm going through. I know I'm not the only one, but sometimes I feel so alone.
I have a strong faith and believe that God is in charge, but I don't understand why this seems to be something He feels I need to struggle for. It hasn't helped that everyone (and I wish this wasn't an exaggeration) I know seems to be pregnant or has just had a baby, or knows someone who just had a baby.
I'm also so tired of hearing people say, "it will happen," or "stop trying, that's when it will happen." Seriously? Could someone please explain to me how you stop trying? How you turn off that part of your brain that wants this so much it hurts?
Thanks for listening...
Re: Discouraged
Hello Mjcasd and welcome.
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I know how devastating it can be. I have had two miscarriages and was quite numb for a while. It is hard to heal and to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. The frustration of not getting pregnant and the witty comments from friends, family, and colleagues that just know everything because they have children and telling you what to do, not ever stepping into your shoes is annoying and hurtful....I have been there plenty of times and know your pain. I am a very private person, so it took me quite a while to stand up to gently remind the few people that I told that were crossing the line that I would appreciate it, if they would stop talking about it and from that point on I don't tell people, so I know I will be safe and they have nothing to reference from. It is difficult to stand up for yourself in these painful situations, but you will need to do it, so you can move on.
I am glad that you found us, know you have a safe place to lay your concerns, vent and or celebrate your progress in your TTC journey.
I read that you said that your doctor won't do any testing since you do not have IF coverage. I was in the same boat. I would ask your doctor, if they can write you a prescription for Clomid. It is a cheap prescription to fill at the pharmacy. Talk to your doctor about your health issues, if you have any and discuss it with them. It is not a drug to take lightly, I know you can only take it 6 times in your life and you should be monitored on it, but I was desperate, and my doctor knew it, so we tried it three times. I didn't have success, but at least it gave me peace of mind that I tried to do all I can. Look into any trial fertility groups, Maybe, that can help with costs. I remember that I was told at one time that their is some help out there to assist with people that can't afford treatments. I would do tons of research, if I were you. For the first three and a half years of my struggle, I didn't think I could do anything about it, but don't give up. Another board that you should frequent is the Infertility board. There is a wealth of information and people that can assist you with possible studies for IF and they have a group that helps others with free meds, so check them out, too.
Again, welcome to the group and know that we are here to support you!
Sending you (((((Hugs)))) I know how hard this journey can be...hang in there.
1st BFP-8/17/12! Missed Miscarriage discovered @ 8 week US. D&C.
2nd BFP-2/13/13! Blighted Ovum discovered @ 8 week US. Natural miscarriage.
3rd BFP-5/22/13! By early June, progesterone plummeting. Another loss.
August 2013 - started Donor Egg process, but surprise BFP with my own eggs.
Dear Son born 5/28/14
I'm feeling the CD1 slap today, right with ya... and the frustration of no RE insurance coverage. After TTC for 18 months, I know I should just be okay about at least investing in some testing so I know what's going on and can make some better educated decisions about how to move forward.
There is a lot of research you can do on your own too, through boards like this and the many books out there. Through temping and charting, I discovered I have a short luteal cycle, which could possibly be helped by OTC progesterone creme (although, use is generally recommended while under doctor's supervision).
I know I'll feel better about going to a doctor if I've already done what I can on my own.
Hello Mjcasd,
I'm very sorry for your loss. There is a wonderful support network of ladies on this site, so I think you are very strong for reaching out.
I also had an MC last August. I was exactly 11 weeks. Plain and simple- it just sucks. DH and I waited until November and then went back to the OBGYN. He prescribed Clomid and we just tried for three months and no luck.
Since we don't have coverage in our insurance plan for fertility treatment, we started paying out of pocket to see an RE (reproductive endocrinologist). It's been tough but he is wonderful. He discovered that I had a polyp and heart-shaped uterus and corrected both problems with one procedure.
We did Clomid again this month and I just had an ultrasound to measure my follicles. Waiting to hear back is driving me nuts. I have been completely useless today and have tons of work to do. We're also going to use the HCG shot once my doctor says the follicles are large enough. I know it sounds silly, but I'm so anxious about the shot I don't think I can have DH give it to me. Luckily, my best friend is a doctor and is thrilled to give me a "big shot in the butt."
I hope the replies so far have been helpful to you. Let's hope that this August we will both have happier times!
Me: 40, rheumatoid arthritis, Hashimoto’s, low ovarian reserve
DH: 42, bi-lateral varicocele (corrected in Dec 2013)
2008 Married
2009 Started TTC #1
2012 Hormone studies/ultrasound, HSG, Clomid
BFP ended in MC
2013 3 rounds of Clomid
Hormone studies/ultrasound, SIS, polyp and bicornuate uterus removed
DH varicocelectomy
2014 Hormone studies/ultrasound, HSG, SIS, removed 2nd polyp
IVF #1- retrieved 17, 3 mature for 2 day transfer, BFN
IVF #2- September…our last chance….. retrieved 22, 6 mature blasts, 2 embies transferred, BFP (300 beta) on Oct 1st, Beta #2 675 Oct 3rd, Beta #3 2,484
EDD Twins 06/09/2015
1/30/2015 PPROM at 21 weeks, 3 days. Hospital bed rest to let these sweet peas cook. Holding on for 34 weeks!
I am sorry for your loss, IF is extremely frustrating. As a few other people mentioned since you don't seem to be able to get testing, you should be tracking your temps, your cm and use opk. All of those together will help you find your fertile time or find out if your are not O'ing regularly (obviously you did once). Once you track all that if you see a pattern of a short luteal phase or too long one and not getting BFP's. Then your OB can probably get testing done because it shows you are havng hormone issues and possibly uterine issues. Good health means all systems work properly
there are ways to work the system.
The only way you know you O's is by temping, and cm and opks will help tell you before you O that you are about too. Good luck!
My Ovulation Chart
Me: 41 DH: 46. We are TTC our 1st, started July '11,
3 cycles clomid with Ob,
1 cycle Tamoxifen with Ob,
Diagnosed PCOS 11/5/12
clomid, trigger & timed bd 12/12 BFN
1st clomid IUI 1/4/13 BFN.
2nd clomid IUI 2/13 cancelled didn't respond to clomid.
3/15/13 scheduled laparoscopy & on bcp.
May 10 IUI from injectibles - BFN
May 22 done with interventions it will either happen or it won't.
February 2014 No longer actively trying, but not preventing.
SURPISE BFP 4/2/2015!!!!!!!!!!
Miscarriage 4/23/15