I AM the SD. Opinions please!!!

Tbd143 · June 2013

Hi ladies! I lurk here often for perspective but I could really use your thoughts and opinions. DS's birthday is not until Seotember but it is already on my mind because it has become such a source of stress for me. This is long!

Backstory: As I said I am the SD. I am 33 and my dad and SM have been married since I was 3. My mom got remarried when I was 18. All events that could be separate were when I was growing up.

Now DH and I have DS and parties have become an issue. SM does not ever feel comfortable in my house because she is always worried my mom might drop by. This has only happened once, I am very aware to keep them separate. They are civil and have had to be together on several occasions since DS is born. Both have been awesome about it when necessary, but SM is uncomfortable

Part of me would want to do separate birthday parties to make everyone more comfortable, but then each set seems to compare the other party and apparently the "real" party is the one my inlaws attend. They are 3 hours away do could not attend both. So two parties become drama, but one becomes awkward and uncomfortable.

DH says one party. I don't love either option, but don't have a better idea. Any thoughts?

If you made it this far...THANK YOU!

Sunday924 · June 2013

One party. My parents didn't like to be around each other and the first time they were was at my wedding when I was 24. Up until that time my dad had never come to my DD's parties. Since the wedding he has come to her parties and even my baby shower for DS. It's a little awkward but we are all adults. I would never have two parties. My SM doesn't come because she is evil but that is a different story. I think your SM needs to grow up....it's been 30 flcuking years!

Hopeforthebest · June 2013

It is simple. The day is about the birthday kid. No one else matters. Period. Enjoy your child and let the grown ups figure it out for themselves. They are invited they can choose to come or not. It is on them.

Ilumine · June 2013

One party.

It is not YOUR job to make your SM happy/secure/anxiety free. Her ego/self-esteem/psyche is all on her and her therapist.

And honestly, who wants that kind of expense all over ONE person's manipulations.

Tbd143 · June 2013

Thanks ladies! We have done one party the last two years, but it has been so awkward I started to wonder if I was missing another solution. Thank you!!!

Banana44 · June 2013

My parents have been divorced over 25 years and still despise each other. My Dad has remarried - divorced - and now has had a girlfriend for about 6 years.

My Mom has nothing nice to say about my Dad and my Dad has nothing nice to say about my Mom. And my Mom hated StepMom and hates girlfriend.

But for the last 15 years my siblings and I have invited them both to whatever we have - including holidays. As far as we're concerned - if you want to be part of our family - suck it up and come to our events!

Sometimes its uncomfortable - but they need to put up with it. Last year I hosted Thanksgiving in a mountain house we just bought - my Dad and girlfriend and my Mom all attended and all spent the night. I'm sure neither wanted to be with the other one - but 3 of their children and 8 of their grands were there so they did it!

One party and your stepMom needs to learn to be comfortable around your Mom.

Pamelacake · June 2013

I also agree with one party. SM needs to suck it up and realize it's DS's day and enjoy it.

Lavender P · June 2013

I agree with everyone else. You should definitely just have one party. My DH's parents got pregnant young and were never married. They absolutely hated each other for decades. Once DH and I got engaged they had to spend more time together at wedding events, and now birthday parties for the kids. The more they are in the same room the less awkward it gets. If SM is uncomfortable then she will have to get over it. We all deal with uncomfortable situations for our kids or SKs and that shouldn't change when the kids are grown up. We just talked to both parents individually and we understand there is negative history between then but we want to celebrate together and expect everyone to be civil.

hopanka · June 2013

OP, curious, what is so awkward? What do they do or say that makes YOU so uncomfortable that you are even contemplating two parties? Do they suck you into the drama at the party or are you just oversensitive and the mere thought of tension gives you the heebeejeebees?

+just+j+ · June 2013

After 30 years your SM or your parents can't find a way to deal with situations like this as adults? It's time they do. Lordy. That's a long time to work around not crossing paths and it is not your job to accomodate them. I feel badly for you if they made you feel that way.

I agree. One party.

As a former stepmom, and now mom - I would never have expected myXSD or my daughter to make special arrangements because I felt uncomfortable. As an adult, I would deal with it on my own and make sure I did my damndest that whatever event I was attending went well and I was not the one that ruined it with bad behavior.

It's time the difficult party(s) grow up and if they can't...then don't come.

Mysterious_wife · June 2013

One party. My DD loves having everyone in one room. My dad and most of his exes, my mom, my stepdad and H's blended family suck it up for multiple occasions. We even have holidays together.

In fact, on Saturday we are having a joint 50th birthday party for my mom and dad. They have been divorced for 26 years. My dad's current fling and my stepdad will be there.

karatechrissy · June 2013

This has been the norm for 30 friggin years now! Your SM needs to build a big bridge, get her big girl panties on, and GET THE FLUFF OVER IT! Throw your party for your DS. Their issues of the past don't need to become your issues in this new adventure for you. Either your SM comes or doesn't. That is on HER. It also makes her look really stupid, petty, and childish if she does not come. She has to be the one to decide if she wants to be part of your DS's life. You don't need to referee!!

CurlieWhirlie · June 2013

One party! People have to grow up and handle their feelings like adults when a child is in the middle, and if they can't, they can stay at home by themselves. No cake for them!

Tbd143 · June 2013

hopanka:
OP, curious, what is so awkward? What do they do or say that makes YOU so uncomfortable that you are even contemplating two parties? Do they suck you into the drama at the party or are you just oversensitive and the mere thought of tension gives you the heebeejeebees?

It's more that my other guests are uncomfortable. DS obviously loves all his grandparents, but favors SM. This is fine but SM really plays it up while everyone is all there, and it becomes a production. Also I guess because she is so obviously uncomfortable, it makes my in laws uncomfortable.

And yes, I am oversensitive to SM's moods. I know I need to just put on my big girl pants and deal, but I have this need to keep her happy. Always have. Rational? Probably not. Am I proud of it? Nope. But somehow I really feel the need to keep her happy with me.

Anyone else in my life, I deal with pretty rationally and like an adult. But with SM, I constantly try to please. I suck. I know.

But all of you ladies are right. One party it is.

Tbd143 · June 2013

CurlieWhirlie:
One party! People have to grow up and handle their feelings like adults when a child is in the middle, and if they can't, they can stay at home by themselves. No cake for them!

Lol....thanks! No cake for them made me smile!

ambrvan · June 2013

One party. They will get over it if their grandchild is more important than themselves, as she should be. If they can't get over it, then unfortunately your DD will see that she is not being put first when she is supposed to be.

My DH's parents HATE each other. MIL can deal, FIL will not. FIL is honestly pretty low down anyway, but still. He takes the low road and comes by on another day for 5 minutes to give a bday gift and then takes off. MIL puts her grandchildren before herself, most of the time, and doesn't care who else is there. She will be there regardless. And she will be civil. My FIL is the one who makes ugly comments if he is around anyone he doesn't want to be.

I hate his behavior, but I like that my kids are getting a look at who he really is. No gift he ever buys will be able to replace his behavior.

hopanka · June 2013

So, it seems your SM is the root cause...and a bit of a pot stirrer. Not only is she obviously uncomfortable and shows it like a proper AW because other guests notice, but she also rubs it in the other Grandmas face that she is the favorite. And lets face it...she is not even the bio grandma. What is wrong with her? I think you need to talk to her that her production as you put it, is making you and all the other guests uncomfortable, so either she behaves like an adult, or no cake! I bet your mom and MIL think the world of her! Ugh. She needs to stop being a drama queen and remember that this event is not about her. Does she know that she is making all the others uncomfortable? Or is she that self absorbed that she needs to be told?

Lavender P · June 2013

hopanka:
So, it seems your SM is the root cause...and a bit of a pot stirrer. Not only is she obviously uncomfortable and shows it like a proper AW because other guests notice, but she also rubs it in the other Grandmas face that she is the favorite. And lets face it...she is not even the bio grandma. What is wrong with her? I think you need to talk to her that her production as you put it, is making you and all the other guests uncomfortable, so either she behaves like an adult, or no cake! I bet your mom and MIL think the world of her! Ugh. She needs to stop being a drama queen and remember that this event is not about her. Does she know that she is making all the others uncomfortable? Or is she that self absorbed that she needs to be told?

OP, if you find a way to talk to your SM about how not to make others uncomfortable let me know. In my family it is DH's mom who monopolizes DS and won't let DH's SM even hold him.

CFjo2010 · June 2013

My sister has this issue too. My BIL's parents have been divorced for nearly 25 years; dad is remarried but mom isn't. The Dad and SM are really uncomfortable whenever H is around, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. H is incredibly friendly and polite when I've seen her around the Dad and SM and she doesn't seem to make a big production or make things weird. It's the Dad and SM that make things uncomfortable. All I can gather is maybe there were issues during the divorce or afterwards that the Dad and SM are still upset about and H has forgotten about it. Or maybe H is just better at "faking" her way through things.

I can tell you that my sister and BIL argue every Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, niece's bday and nephew's bday about this. BIL wants to try and do 2 separate things to keep his dad and SM happy and my sister is tired of accommodating them and having to do 2 celebrations for everything. There usually ends up being one celebration that my parents, H, BIL's sister and kids and my family goes to, and Dad and SM aren't there. It's strange and bothers my sister as well as H, but it's Dad and SM's choice not to be there.

So my input as the "outsider" at these events? Do one party. Other people are going to still come and celebrate with LO, even if things are uncomfortable. If SM makes a big production about being the favorite, ask to speak to her in the other room and let her know that she's "stealing the spotlight" from your child and that this day is about LO. If SM can't seem to stop the behavior, then let your Dad know that SM's behavior is making other people uncomfortable and maybe it would be best to just do a birthday dinner some other time.

Alohalove · June 2013

I vote for one party!! It's years and years and your SM needs to suck it up and be an adult for one day for your child. It's about the child.

hopanka · June 2013

I dont think you necessarily have to come up with some specific WAY. You tell her like it is. You can be polite, but straightforward. At work, its called leadership courage. She is making the party awkward for others. List specific examples and situations and how they are perceived by others. Of course, she will only see it from her viewpoint and as NBD. Thats why this is a problem..because she is self absorbed and couldnt possibly bother seeing things from others viewpoint. Tell her that. Strength is in numbers. She sees it as harmless, but it bothers you, uncle bob, aunt debbie,...etc for reasons such as when she does A, B or C. Being specific and to the point. The message needs to be clear. If she cant comply, you will be happy to include them in a family dinner some other time, where they can celebrate your childs b day that way. Point is, if you cant behave, you dont come to the party.

Tbd143 · June 2013

Thank you all for your input. I can't tell you enough how much it means to me. We will be doing one party. Sometimes, it really does take a bunch of outside opinions to really help. You all have great advice without being emotionally attached to this situation so somehow it's easier to absorb. You ladies are completely right. I really cannot say thank you enough!

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