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August 2012 Moms
MrsWhipple
member
I need to get this off my chest
MrsWhipple
member
DH and I have been going through some rough times, relationship wise and financially. I think I have mentioned before on here that I have caught him looking up inappropriate things on craigslist (or people rather), and have even caught him responding to some of the ads. Several months ago, I caught him chatting with some girl on facebook. He had told her that we were separated, that I had left him because I realized that I was more in to girls than guys. He also claimed that I had abandoned our son, and that he was raising him on his own. I was livid. He claims it was all just talk. (Yes, I check his email and facebook).
This past weekend, I find an email where he had responded to another ad on craigslist. It was a night where he was going to be home late from work (he is a truck driver), and he responded to the ad just before he left work to come home.I had gone to bed soon after, so I have no idea when he got home. My gut tells me he came right home though because he had been driving all day and I'm sure was exhausted.
After denial after denial after denial, he finally admits that he did all these things, but that it was all "just talk" and he never acted on any of them. He said he doesn't want to lose me and our marriage, and that he is willing to go to counseling to work out his and our problems. I'm not sure how we can afford counseling, or when we could do it because he is usually not home from work before 7pm.
I just feel so defeated. I *think" I believe him about it being all talk, but that doesn't make it ok. I already have pretty poor self-esteem, and this just makes me feel even worse about myself, as if to say if I were a better person, thinner, prettier, maybe he wouldn't be turning elsewhere for the attention (God, I hope it is just attention).
I don't want a divorce, I don't want to break up our family, I want our relationship to be better, like it was in the beginning. We used to enjoy each other so much, and now, not so much.
If you got this far, thanks for listening. I just had to get this out in the open, and I don't really have anyone close here that I can talk to about it.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I need to get this off my chest
...I'm sorry, I blacked out with rage at this point. Does the story end with his balls at the bottom of a lake, or do I need to take a Xanax before I finish?
I am always one to tell people to try to work it out and go to counseling, etc. I hate the idea of anyone getting divorced unless everyone is completely miserable or being abused. It always just makes me so sad.
Buuuttt...man your husband has seriously effed up and he hasn't stopped after getting caught. I DO think you should try counseling, but to be honest I would start preparing to be separated. Squirreling money away and trying to find a job if you don't work already (can't remember if you do or not).
Do you have family nearby? Do you have family elsewhere that could help you for a while until you could get on your feet?
I think it's completely normal for it to affect your self-esteem, but try to keep your chin up and not let it break you. Be strong for your son, even if that means being a single mom. You'd be setting a good example for him.
You are not breaking up your family, HE is. Do you want your son to have this azzhole for a role model??
Get yourself tested for STDs. I don't believe for a second what he has been doing is all talk. Demand counseling if you really want to work it out. For me, this would be a dealbreaker. You are much better than this. Stand up for yourself and show your son what it really means to be a family. Your husband is disrespecting you, has betrayed you, and is trying to make a fool of you.
I'm so sorry. I am SO livid on your behalf.
Exactly. I am so sorry you are going through this, I wish I had some advice. I'm not sure I could continue on in a relationship after a situation like this - the trust would never be there. I hope you guys can work it out!!
Proud Mama to cleft cutie
I've been where you are, don't wait as long as I did to do something about it.
PM, email or FB me anytime.
Wow Mrs Whipple. I am so, so sorry you are having to go through this.
First, this is NOT your fault in any way. Even the most beautiful, desired people in the world are treated like trash by people who are supposed to love them. This is your husbands demon, not yours.
Second, I would go get tested for stds asap. Whether you believe him or not that this was "just talking" or whatever, you have a God given right to your body and your health. You need to know.
Third, I am sending HUGE SQUEEZY bear hugs your way. No one should ever have to deal with this in a marriage and I am so sorry. Your husband needs a wake up call. For real. What a DOUCHE.
I agree with Poppy. For me, this would be a deal breaker. Especially since this is not the first time. I don't believe it was just talk either. And that lie about you leaving and abandoning your son?! O hell no.
Thanks for the support ladies. I don't know if this is a deal breaker for me. If you had asked me before I got married If it was, I would have said yes. But deep down, I love this guy. We have been together for over 12 years. From the outside he looks like a total douchebag, and he can be (obviously), and I don't deny that he has effed up majorly more than once, but I think he has some sort of addiction problem, I guess would be the way to describe it. To porn, sex stories, anything he can get off on really. You might think I am being na?ve to think that he hasn't acted on it, but my gut keeps telling me he hasn't.
Unfortunately, we haven't been able to sit down and talk about it like adults. After I found that latest email, I flipped out and have kinda checked out a little from our relationship. Then he just left yesterday for PA for work, and won't be back until tomorrow night. Hopefully, we will have a chance this weekend to talk about it more.
If it comes down to it, I have family that will absolutely support me and help me out, even his parents I'm sure would (they know about the facebook girl, he told them).
Well, I can't say that lately it's every day that I agree with Poppy, but...ITA.
He is no role model for your son. If he went to the lengths to message these women and concoct this GOD AWFUL story, in which he makes you a child-abandoning lesbian, I would put money on the fact that he has at least met with them. You don't go to such lengths, go so out of your way, if your intention is just to "joke around," KWIM?
I know none of this is what you want to hear and I'm so sorry for you. I can't imagine how hurt you are and I don't know how I, personally, would ever recover from this. I don't think I could ever trust SO again, even with counseling.
Whatever you decide, we'll be here. But, keep in mind that YOU didn't (and aren't) doing anything to your family but keeping Landen in a safe, secure, and loving place.
SCANDAL!
This is not okay and you don't deserve that at all. If you trust him to turn things around and stop doing things like that and commit to counseling I fully support you but he needs to SERIOUSLY apologize for you and realize what hes doing.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are amazing. We love you.
I am so, so sorry about all of this. I was in a very serious relationship with a guy that told me a ton of lies that I never figured out until the very end. With him I found that with one lie, there were several others once I started asking more questions and digging. I put off ending things with him I thought because I loved him but when I really thought about why I was staying with him, it was more that I was scared of being alone. I don't know if that is a part of the case with you, and your situation is much more complicated since you are married and have your sweet boy together but please don't allow that to keep you in a relationship where you don't feel love and valued.
Once again, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Know that you DO deserve better than this.
Hugs,
So sorry you are going through a tough time. I hope it will all tun out ok for your family. We are here for your venting needs. Hugs.
This post breaks my heart. I am so sorry you have to go through this! I don't know if I have anything good to say, since I've only been married 2 years BUT please please don't put the blame on yourself. This is NOT about you, or how you look.
Side note: When was the last time you guys went out and did something together, as a couple? What about a night without the baby?
It was all talk for him to, until one day it wasn't just talk and he decided to physically cheat on me after 16 years of marriage, hence the xhusband part.
If your DH really wants your marriage to work he will stop his emotional cheating and you should both go to seek help for your marriage.
1. Huge hugs!!!!
2. this is not your fault. please remember this.
3. please get tested ASAP.
I come from a very conservative background. DH and I don't believe in divorce as an option for us, but in cases of infidelity or abuse (both sound like they apply to you) we're ok with it.
if you want to do counseling, go for it. you'll make it work financially somehow if its important to both of you. but this is cheating whether he's acted on it or not. and emotionally abusive.
4/26/11 HPT+ 4/28/11 +Blood test! HCG 67 5/24/11 Blighted Ovum.
6/11-11/11 Non ovulatory cycles
12/18/11 HPT+ 12/20/11 +Blood Test HCG 165 12/27/11 Beta test HCG 6411
12/29/11 Beta 11264 1/30/11 Wiggler w/ HB 160+
Grow Baby Grow!!!! Please be our rainbow!
Rainbow Born 8/22, so in love with our little girl!
Everything Klilley said. Every single thing.
Exactly this! You've already been given tons of great advice. Please KUP and let us know if there's any way we can help you out.
I just wanted to throw in a little bit. I read your post and waited to respond until I decided whether or not to put this out there. Three years into my relationship with my (now) DH I could have written this post word for word (except instead of being a lesbian who abandoned my son I was an emotionally abusive partner who abandoned him). A few weeks ago I did a UO that I truly believe people can change-- if they truly show the desire. In my case I stuck around. We went back to normal as if nothing ever happened. Let me tell you first hand that doesn't work. When trust has been shattered you might hate the person you become if you just try to go back to "normal". I did. So we broke up. for 6 months. He stuck around wanting to show me that he could change. We would go out on dates. The thing I learned is with the shattered trust we had to re-build our entire relationship. There were things that worked and things that didn't work from our previous 3 years. I can now say that 4 years later, I fully trust him again. When we got back together I wasn't 100% there yet, but I could see a change in the way he was.
I am not saying you won't still be hyper aware. Even 4 years after the situation came out I still occasionally check up on him. This isn't a problem, we both have open access to all accounts. He knows I won't ever work to re-build our relationship again. If that trust is broken again I am out.
I always thought prior to then that cheating was a "hard line" for me. That I was out if it ever happened. Until you go through that though, you never REALLY know. In response I support your decision, whatever you decide. If you ever need to talk you can pm me or whatever. Just know that YOU did nothing to deserve this. It is truly something that is wrong with him. Nothing, and I repeat, nothing is wrong with you. You are an amazing mother and wife and so many other things. Do not let him make you feel this was in any way your doing.
One last thing-- I "knew" in my gut he hadn't actually done anything with anyone too. He came clean during our time apart. His honesty helped me with trust, because it was something he could have hid forever and I would have been none the wiser. Moral of the story, I would follow the advice given by pp on that front and get tested.
all.of.this
if you are thinking of counselling- and you and your dh want to work at this, I can suggest this is a great program. t is for couples that have "bad marriages". Dh and I did it -- it was great
https://www.retrouvaille.org/pages.php?page=1
thank you for posting this, you saved me some time typing. Yes to all of this. If you and , more importantly, your husband, are 100% committed to making this work, I think it can be done. But, counseling is needed. Both couples and individual. Him for sure. You maybe to help you get over the hump. He needs to fully understand why he does the things that he does, and how to avoid giving in to these compulsions in the future.
if he wants you bad enough, he will do what he needs to do to make this right.
I am so very sorry you are going through this. I personally don't think I could trust my DH again if I caught him doing this multiple times and know that he has lied about it and was trying to cover it up. There has to be more to it than just simple talking in my mind.
In regards to going to a counselor, you might want to check your church. I know my church has free marriage counseling if you are a member. They offer it for free to discourage divorcing so it might be a common trend these days.
As far as your DH writing that you are a lesbian who abandoned her child, that shows what a bigoted a!hole he is. That remark alone makes me want to castrate him.
FET #1 Dec 2013 BFN
FET # 2 Feb 2014 BFN
No more frosties
IVF #2. September 2014
PGD yielded 2 perfect 5d blasts
SET November 9, 2014
Nov 23, 2014. Another BFN
Not sure where to go from here.