DS's Last Name

twister22 · June 2013

(Background: DS(4.5) calls both BD & DH "Daddy," and BD is perfectly fine with that as he loves DH, and has said several times that if I die he would keep the visitation the way it is, with him having EOWE.)

BD & I got engaged after getting pregnant with DS, but were never married. DS was given my maiden name, with the agreement that when BD & I married & my last name changed to BD's, DS's would too. Well, BD & I never married, so neither my nor DS's last name ever changed.

After BD & I broke up, he swore up & down that he would never sign for DS's last name to change to another man's. Understandable. When DH & I were dating I explained the situation, & said I would always keep my maiden name for DS. DH was fine with it.

Legally, DS & I have my maiden name. DH has his last name, and DD is "my last name-DH's last name." DH & I decided that we would change both of our names to "my last name-DH's last name" that way we would be more united with our names as a family, and still include DS.

Initially, DH suggested asking BD if we could change DS's last name to DH's last name. I said no, as I knew BD would never allow it. After a few months passed I asked BD if we could change DS's last name to DH's, and BD told me I knew the answer to that - no. I asked him if he would at least consider it, & he said he actually had, but he would do it again. A few months later DH asked BD the same question, & BD said he would have to think about it. A couple weeks ago I followed up with BD, & he said yes!!!

We get to change DS's last name to DH's last name! I will of course change mine and DD's too.

I'm sure I will get flamed for this, & be told that DS should have BD's last name, but I totally don't care. I have my flame-proof suit on, so flame away.

Pamelacake · June 2013

No flaming from me either. Congrats (=

and I'm kind of in the same situation with Andrea.. DH, I and all SK's have the same last name and BM is switching boyfriends every month or two with her LN. I am not flaming you either. BM isn't involved much.. she is involved just enough to not have her rights taken but that might change too. So I guess I'm flammable too!

Littlejen22 · June 2013

I am not flaming but am really against it since if you and DH divorce which I know you cannot imagine but we all know it can happen. But I find it so weird on BDs part that he is willing to not get custody if something happened to you and let stepDad raise his kid and have his name. I have to argue that this is not because he thinks SD is so amazing but rather because he has no interest in raising his own kid. So that is more of a flame of BD.

Lavender P · June 2013

I think that is great for your family. No flames here.

On a personal note, as a SM, I am really happy SS has DH's last name as it makes him feel more a part of our family. We only get him EOWE and holidays, plus his mom tried really hard to push DH put of his life. His name was one of the only things that convinced him that SF wasn't his bio dad when he was younger and confused about the family dynamics. know your story is nothing like ours, so it will be nice that you all have a symbolic family unit by sharing your last name. I'm happy for you!

twister22 · June 2013

Littlejen22:
I am not flaming but am really against it since if you and DH divorce which I know you cannot imagine but we all know it can happen. But I find it so weird on BDs part that he is willing to not get custody if something happened to you and let stepDad raise his kid and have his name. I have to argue that this is not because he thinks SD is so amazing but rather because he has no interest in raising his own kid. So that is more of a flame of BD.

Honestly, if DH and I divorced, whatever custody agreement we worked out with DD(6 months, and DH's bio daughter) we would do with DS as well, although it wouldn't be legal.

DH is a dad to DS, DS started calling him dad on his own when he was 2, with zero prompting from anyone, and DH & I initially discouraged it, and then became neutral about it.

MommyEllenSue · June 2013

No flames here, although I think this is super sad for your DS. It seems like BD just doesn't care. I understand wanting everybody to have the same last name though.

SimpleJane · June 2013

I think it is a bad idea. Of course because of divorce. I know you can't imagine it but if you come home some day and DH is sleeping with some other woman or something similarly appalling, are you going to be comfortable with your decision to change his name after the divorce? And if you get married again after that? Then he has neither bioparent's name. I think it is sad that BD doesn't seem to GAF.

twister22 · June 2013

SimpleJane:
I think it is a bad idea. Of course because of divorce. I know you can't imagine it but if you come home some day and DH is sleeping with some other woman or something similarly appalling, are you going to be comfortable with your decision to change his name after the divorce? And if you get married again after that? Then he has neither bioparent's name. I think it is sad that BD doesn't seem to GAF.

If I walked in on DH screwing someone else in our bed I'd be p!ssed as he!l, and I'd hate him. It would make him a really crappy husband and person. But, he's an amazing dad. He's second to none. Whatever custody agreement was worked out with DD, we would apply to DS as well. If DH and I divorced, DS would still have the same last name as DD, his sister, and DH, his dad. It doesn't matter that DH isn't DS biological father, he's his father.

DH is DS's "main" father, and BD is much more of a secondary father. BD is a joke; pretending to be super dad one day, doing an awesome job, saying all the right things, and then the next several weeks is MIA and doesn't GAF. DH is the constant father in DS's life, the one DS can always count on. Unfortunately, BD, not so much.

fellesferie · June 2013

I think whatever works for your family is great.

While I get the 'what if you get divorced' argument, I don't know that I agree. I don't go through my marriage making every decision based on whether DH and I might divorce some day. Of course it's clearly possible we would. And if the seas are already stormy, I would absolutely advise being circumspect. I guess for me, it just feels like choices based on a possible future divorce feel like already having one foot out the door.

DS has asked a few times about having our last name. He's 8. I told him that when he's 15, if he's still interested, we'll all (me, DH, XH) talk about it.

CFjo2010 · June 2013

fellesferie:
I think whatever works for your family is great.
While I get the 'what if you get divorced' argument, I don't know that I agree. I don't go through my marriage making every decision based on whether DH and I might divorce some day. Of course it's clearly possible we would. And if the seas are already stormy, I would absolutely advise being circumspect. I guess for me, it just feels like choices based on a possible future divorce feel like already having one foot out the door.

Agreed, especially to the bolded. It's the same with prenuptual agreements: you're banking on failure. If this arrangement works for your family, that's great. Every family is different. My kids want the hyphenate their last names with DH's last name, but DC would never allow it. It bothers them that they are now the only ones who don't have the same name, but they also know that names don't make a family.

Alohalove · June 2013

No flames here!! I'm glad things are working out. It sounds like good relationships all around. : )

Littlejen22 · June 2013

twister22:
SimpleJane:
I think it is a bad idea. Of course because of divorce. I know you can't imagine it but if you come home some day and DH is sleeping with some other woman or something similarly appalling, are you going to be comfortable with your decision to change his name after the divorce? And if you get married again after that? Then he has neither bioparent's name. I think it is sad that BD doesn't seem to GAF.
If I walked in on DH screwing someone else in our bed I'd be p!ssed as he!l, and I'd hate him. It would make him a really crappy husband and person. But, he's an amazing dad. He's second to none. Whatever custody agreement was worked out with DD, we would apply to DS as well. If DH and I divorced, DS would still have the same last name as DD, his sister, and DH, his dad. It doesn't matter that DH isn't DS biological father, he's his father. 
DH is DS's "main" father, and BD is much more of a secondary father. BD is a joke; pretending to be super dad one day, doing an awesome job, saying all the right things, and then the next several weeks is MIA and doesn't GAF. DH is the constant father in DS's life, the one DS can always count on. Unfortunately, BD, not so much.

I realize I sound like I am being a biotch and I am not trying to but if your DH is as amazon as you say and I truly am not doubting you and you divorced he would want full joint which would mean he would get let's say every other week with your son by your comments above and your ex would have every other weekend and you would only have 11 days. I have no doubt that would not be ok with you since you seem like a very good Mom. So while you might be ok in theory with sharing custody of your son it would not work out that way.

And Fells I agree with your comment and certainly do not go through my life with the attitude of what if something happened one day but when you are looking to make legal decisions especially for a minor I think it is only smart to have people that are not emotionally involved consider all of the possible issues. Personally I do not see what the big deal is with keeping a child's name as it currently is and if it means so much to a Mom that her child have her last name then she should have kept her name and asked to hyphenate it to her maiden name and not to her new husbands name because now she has new kids and what's then to match. And Twister this is not meant to be a flame to you but just my general thoughts on the issue.

twister22 · June 2013

Littlejen22:
twister22:
SimpleJane:
I think it is a bad idea. Of course because of divorce. I know you can't imagine it but if you come home some day and DH is sleeping with some other woman or something similarly appalling, are you going to be comfortable with your decision to change his name after the divorce? And if you get married again after that? Then he has neither bioparent's name. I think it is sad that BD doesn't seem to GAF.
If I walked in on DH screwing someone else in our bed I'd be p!ssed as he!l, and I'd hate him. It would make him a really crappy husband and person. But, he's an amazing dad. He's second to none. Whatever custody agreement was worked out with DD, we would apply to DS as well. If DH and I divorced, DS would still have the same last name as DD, his sister, and DH, his dad. It doesn't matter that DH isn't DS biological father, he's his father.
DH is DS's "main" father, and BD is much more of a secondary father. BD is a joke; pretending to be super dad one day, doing an awesome job, saying all the right things, and then the next several weeks is MIA and doesn't GAF. DH is the constant father in DS's life, the one DS can always count on. Unfortunately, BD, not so much.
I realize I sound like I am being a biotch and I am not trying to but if your DH is as amazon as you say and I truly am not doubting you and you divorced he would want full joint which would mean he would get let's say every other week with your son by your comments above and your ex would have every other weekend and you would only have 11 days. I have no doubt that would not be ok with you since you seem like a very good Mom. So while you might be ok in theory with sharing custody of your son it would not work out that way. And Fells I agree with your comment and certainly do not go through my life with the attitude of what if something happened one day but when you are looking to make legal decisions especially for a minor I think it is only smart to have people that are not emotionally involved consider all of the possible issues. Personally I do not see what the big deal is with keeping a child's name as it currently is and if it means so much to a Mom that her child have her last name then she should have kept her name and asked to hyphenate it to her maiden name and not to her new husbands name because now she has new kids and what's then to match. And Twister this is not meant to be a flame to you but just my general thoughts on the issue.

BD is entitled to EOWE. It doesn't actually end up that way, as BD skips a lot of visits and moves time around a lot. If DH and I split we wouldn't do 50/50, we've actually talked about it. I understand what you're saying logistically, and it would be something we would have to figure out, if we got divorced. I don't see us getting divorced. Of course, I can never say never, but DH and I are VERY committed to staying married, it's a fundamental part of our religious beliefs. DH and I make it a point to go to marriage retreats at least once a year (this year we'll go to at least three), and we put a lot of work into making our marriage a happy one.

Like PP's said though, I'm not going to have my life revolve around "if we get divorced." I'm making my decisions based on us staying married.

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