Let's talk about se*!

candyreesecup · June 2013

PennyLane's previous post made me wanna ask you ladies how you got back to a romantic relationship after having a baby! I have been struggling and DD is almost 3 months.

We tried to have sex twice and failed. I couldn't do it b/c it hurt!!!! My OB cleared to have sex at 7 weeks and I felt ok, but we couldn't do it. I had 2nd degree tear, but it should've healed by now. I feel like I am back to virgin and it's so tight down there (sorry for TMI!) Emotionally, I don't have high sexual drive, but I feel it's necessary to have an intimate time. We want to start trying for 2nd around 6 months, but I am so worried that we cannot have sex!

Did you struggle getting your intimate time back? Did you do something to make it work?

JBDamonM · June 2013

I think we've had it 4 times or so in the almost 3 months since LO was born.

however, to be blunt - it's really just for my husband. I also have no sex drive and just try not to dry out (thanks to breast feeding)...

its been a little uncomfortable for me but by no means painful. I have the most pain afterwards. My pubic bone gets really sore.still....

i make it a point that we do it every week or so, but its not hot sex.....and our sex life as a whole has taken a massive hit since my pregnancy. It makes me really sad because we had a good one....I really hope it comes back at some point!

TJ1979 · June 2013

Ask your OB about atrophic vaginitis. It happens sometimes after having a baby and makes it really uncomfortable. They can give you an estrogen cream to help out.
It took a while for us too. I'm still BFing and blame that for the lack of drive. I was trying to make sure we did it once a week. But increased that since we were TTC. Make sure you use lots of lube and take it really slow. It was probably 6 months before it was enjoyable again.

Cwhitaker27 · June 2013

I agree with TJ. It took me a while to get back into the swing of things and it just didnt feel the same after having a baby. It was pretty uncomfortable for a while, at least 6 months. Just know it will get better and in the scheme of things 3 months isn't that long. Just give it time and lots of lube.
Also I'm not sure how sleep deprived you are but once you start getting more sleep and getting into a good routine/schedule you find you have more time for sex and its not such a hassle or burden.
Hang in there

pb_bride · June 2013

Are you BFing? IF so, the estrogen level in y our system makes you very dry, so the most important thing is lubrication.

I also had pain (and I had a c-section), so eventually I made an appt w/my OB just to make sure everything is okay. Well, it turns out I had a few open sores - she's not sure what caused it, but could be during the times of induction attempts +/- examinations etc. So the sores were causing pain and not my imagination! She prescribed a cream and it has helped. She also suggests (TMI alert) stretching the opening which will help.

Anyway, if you are already using some kind of lubricant, and doing some stretching and it still hurts - I'd suggest going to see your OB just to have everything checked out! GL!

candyreesecup · June 2013

TJ1979:
Ask your OB about atrophic vaginitis. It happens sometimes after having a baby and makes it really uncomfortable. They can give you an estrogen cream to help out. It took a while for us too. I'm still BFing and blame that for the lack of drive. I was trying to make sure we did it once a week. But increased that since we were TTC. Make sure you use lots of lube and take it really slow. It was probably 6 months before it was enjoyable again.

I didn't know what it was so I googled it. Thanx for the info!!!!

candyreesecup · June 2013

pb_bride:
Are you BFing? IF so, the estrogen level in y our system makes you very dry, so the most important thing is lubrication.
I also had pain (and I had a c-section), so eventually I made an appt w/my OB just to make sure everything is okay. Well, it turns out I had a few open sores - she's not sure what caused it, but could be during the times of induction attempts +/- examinations etc. So the sores were causing pain and not my imagination! She prescribed a cream and it has helped. She also suggests (TMI alert) stretching the opening which will help.
Anyway, if you are already using some kind of lubricant, and doing some stretching and it still hurts - I'd suggest going to see your OB just to have everything checked out! GL!

Yes, I am still BFing and had no idea about estrogen level during BF. Thanks, I will contact my OB. I started thinking "What is happening to me?! 7 pounds came out of me, so sex should be a piece of cake..."

Ruthie04 · June 2013

Between horrific m/s and being placed on pelvic rest at 16w, we didn't have sex for my entire pregnancy. I'd "help" DH every once in a while, but that was over once I started measuring full term around 30w and I kicked DH out of our bed. When I was cleared by the OB, we still waited to about 12w pp to try since we were so exhausted. Even though I had a c/s, it was SO PAINFUL. Honestly, it was worse than the first time and I had to stop him the first few attempts. So, we just ended up having physical intimacy through some more PG-13 methods (well, maybe a few were R rated...). It didn't help that the babies seemed to know what we had been up to and ended up making every night we messed around a living hell! One night when DS2 was waking every hour, DH started toward their room and said, "That's it- we are never messing around again!"

Truly, I blame a lot of it on BFing. Only since I weaned has it been of any interest. Now, I feel like I have a pretty good sex drive. (TMI alert) BFing made me so dry and I just couldn't get myself in the mood. Every time felt like the first time. Lube wasn't really even helping. Plus, I've always really enjoyed a little action up top and they were off limits, which made foreplay a little less exciting. Now, I find that I can get in the mood super fast and (another TMI alert) my "moments" come upon me really quickly and much more easily. It's only been a month since I weaned, but we have been intimate three times a week lately.

I know it's different since I had a c/s, but I can definitely relate to the lack of drive and dryness. It will get better- I promise. My OB warned me that I would feel very dry to due the low estrogen levels from BFing and said I could talk to her if it was a serious problem. I never did, but a friend ended up taking Estrace until she weaned and she said it was helpful.

OceanBreeze1 · June 2013

Ducky719:
I pretty much put it all out there in Penny's post, but we are def in the practically no sex department. And we stopped having sex around 20 weeks pregnant because we were nervous about our marginal placenta previa! Ditto to the no sex drive thing for me. It just hasn't returned and I am also BF (well, pumping). I miss MH. But, I also have this like...I don't really know how to express it...dread of having to do it again? We just did it *so much* when TTC and it gets old. Many of us tried for years to have a LO and that equals lots of sex without actual desire to have it. At least for me...I hope that makes sense.

I just want to have sex again because I want to. Not because I have to, not because I know I should, but because I want to have a good time with MH.

This is me. And I have a 28 month old, so I should be past that (except for the TTC#2 now). Not only is my drive low, but I don't *feel* desirable. I never had body issues before and I feel like DH looks at me differently now. He says not, but I need lots of reinforcement and feel needy because of it. Plus DH is in tons of pain constantly, so that destroys the mood a lot.

But honestly IF took the fun out of it. And now having a toddler takes away all my energy, lol. No advice here.

ELF4321 · June 2013

I had 2nd degree tearing also, and was cleared at 6 weeks. Our first attempt was at 9 weeks after my first AF ended, and it was miserable. It also resulted in re-injuring the perineal area which may have looked healed, but clearly needed more time. I'm talking re-injury to the point of having "accidents" (not the pee kind, either). Needless to say, it was several more months before we tried again, which was just fine with me since I had no interest because I was exhausted all the time.

If you don't feel like your body is healed, then wait. Try to keep some "intimacy" in other ways besides intercourse -- anything from just cuddling, kissing, or even oral.

DH and I basically had to decide we would spend about 10 minutes just "making out" after DD went to bed at night. If it led to more, great, if not, it was at least something. Eventually when DD started sleeping better, around 7 months, we made Saturday night a "date night", although that typically involves getting takeout or cooking together at home. We're only now, at 13 months pp, having sex more than about once a month. We're up to like, 2 or 3 times a month now Stick out tongue

ccam · June 2013

Ducky719:

I pretty much put it all out there in Penny's post, but we are def in the practically no sex department. And we stopped having sex around 20 weeks pregnant because we were nervous about our marginal placenta previa! Ditto to the no sex drive thing for me. It just hasn't returned and I am also BF (well, pumping). I miss MH. But, I also have this like...I don't really know how to express it...dread of having to do it again? We just did it *so much* when TTC and it gets old. Many of us tried for years to have a LO and that equals lots of sex without actual desire to have it. At least for me...I hope that makes sense.

I just want to have sex again because I want to. Not because I have to, not because I know I should, but because I want to have a good time with MH.

I can totally relate to this. You pretty much read my mind! But I also know that we need it back because I don't want our relationship to change or not be romantic. We have sex, it's just not the sex before TTC and I don't think it ever will be. I guess we just have to find our new groove or something. It's pretty frustrating.

imoverit · June 2013

S?! Whats that? Lol. It will come back I promise. I just faked it to make it with DH. It was so hard to push myself so it was baby steps at first.

candyreesecup · June 2013

Thanks for sharing your stories! It's amazing experience to have a baby, but it's a new challenge (emotionally & physically) keep good balance b/w being a mom and wife. I wish it was easy to switch back and forth between those roles!!! It's nice to hear from some of you that intimate relationship came back as time went. Baby steps at first in deed!!

Saraevh · June 2013

Oh Lordy! I don't know if I'm too much help because this last time I had a 4th degree tear and my vagina is a HOT MESS a year later, but for me it got slightly less painful (felt like knives were cutting my vagina and then went to just an initial tearing feeling with mild discomfort) after I stopped breastfeeding. My OB also prescribed me with estrogen cream since I was dryer than the dessert while I was breastfeeding which was supposedly causing my tear to fissure. Then magically I stopped breastfeeding and things got better. Not great, but at least tolerable enough to make another baby I'm not allowed to have sex while pregnant due to previous cervix issues so I have 9 months + post partum of FREEDOM! Yay!

I am looking forward to having a reconstructive surgery done after we are finished having children. Between that and whizzing myself every time I even giggle, it's just real ridiculous down south.

Fun stuff.

Mrs.AmyDylan · June 2013

So I'm nearing 6mo pp. We are back on the wagon with sex. the first three times were excruciating. Lots of lube and a few drinks helped me power through. However, no drinks for DH because I needed a fast, effective performance. He was super careful and we talked through the whole thing (slower, okay, keep going)

I had a crab at him around 3mo, because I wanted sex and I was tired of asking. He was scared of hurting me and was afraid to ask. So after that we got back on track! We are both super busy so we are getting in about once a week.

kaf7 · June 2013

I know I'm late to the game on this but just wanted to add that I was diagnosed with vulvodynia at my 6 week check before we tried sex postpartum. I was told it would hurt and I have been applying a numbing cream at least twice a day and am now being referred to physio for it. ( not sure what that appointment will be like!) we've tried 3 times in last 8 weeks but its super painful.

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