Disconnect with DH

PennyLane26 · June 2013

DH and I are on good terms, don't get me wrong. But ever since our little lady arrived, it's all business between us.

We've discussed it a few times and we are both frustrated. Our sex life is sad, but that's not the only issue. There is just no romance or intimacy. It's a combination of being tired, my hormones causing lack of sex drive, and figuring out a budget now that I am not working full time.

As a new SAHM, we've also had a hard time appreciating our new roles. I have the view that DH has it easy because he gets to get out of the house and have adult interaction at work. He has hinted that he thinks I just sit around all day. We are both wrong! He works really hard to provide for us and I'm exhausted from cleaning, cooking, errands, EBF and holding baby 24/7.

We've decided we are going to try date night once a week (that may mean cooking dinner together at home if we cant get a sitter). We are lucky b/c G goes to bed at 6:30pm, so we always have a few hours of alone time before we head to bed. Unfortunately we usually use that time to make phone calls, return emails, or vent about the bad parts of our days.

Any advice on how to get over this? I'm happy we are still at the point that we aren't fighting about it, just trying to come up with a solution. But I am worried we are going down a bad path...

PennyLane26 · June 2013

LeahB12:
I think the first year with DS1 was the same way for us. Having a baby really takes time away from your relationship. Keep your communication open, which it sounds like you are doing. It really does get easier. We are back in that stage after having DS2, but this time around I know it's temporary. I think it's completely normal. It sounds like you have a plan so just keep trying!

Thanks Leah, you always have good insight!

mnj05 · June 2013

You are not alone, know that much. You've described these first few months for us perfectly. While everything hasn't completely been resolved for us, it's getting a lot better.

The thing that is helping the most, is communication. When I feel like DH starts hinting at my every day life being easier, I remind him that is not the case and it makes me feel under appreciated. I also told him that at first I didn't want to ask him for help with H in the evenings because I was afraid I would make him upset for taking away his free time, but also that I don't get free time and breaks are huge. We worked through that and DH told me that H comes before anything else he may be doing.

Money is also becoming a factor too. DH has told me all along that I can stay home for a year if I wanted or if a new job didn't happen (I'm a teacher). Now he's starting to stress because of how tight we've had to be with money and the fact that we can't work on paying off debt like we did. I've got an interview Monday and as much as I would love to stay home with H, I'm hoping it will pan out because it would ease DH's stress and make our lives a little easier.

I think a regular date night is a great idea! We haven't been able to do this at all. We've tried a few times but something always happens. If this new job for me pans out, we will be moving back home and have two sets of grandparents, endless aunts/uncles, and friends that can babysit for us. We were discussing yesterday how even though H is the most important thing in our lives now, we still have to work on being husband/wife and keeping that part of our relationship strong. It's just so hard when there's nobody around to help out with H.

Sex.....not even going there. I don't have a drive at all, never really did before pregnancy either. I try to power through at least once a week sometimes two, but that doesn't always happen. We've talked about that too because apparently DH felt like I didn't love him anymore even though he knows that's not true. That is and will always be an on-going topic and issue for us to work through.

I'm sorry I'm not a lot of help, but I hope it gets better for you! It's definitely a hard adjustment, bringing a little one into the picture and trying to not lose sight of who you are with your new roles.

CallMeAl · June 2013

I'm sorry you guys are feeling disconnected. I think it's really, really normal. I know DH and I went through a stage like that, and my IRL BFFs have mentioned similar situations after their babies arrived.

DH and I did try the date night each week thing, and it helped, so I think that's a good idea. We also tried to take 20 min or so each evening after LO was asleep to just be with each other. Not work, not stare at a TV, not do chores, but I would tell DH about little cute things DD did during the day and he would tell me a funny story from work, or we'd talk about our dream for when LO was older, etc. That was what really helped us feel more in tune.

I wish you the best of luck with this, and I think you are wise to both identify and work on it!

imoverit · June 2013

That happened to us. The adjustment was really hard. We ended up seeing a counselor which helped a lot with teaching us to communicate and make time for ourselves. Im not saying you need a counselor Im just saying we have been there. Date night is very important. We also play board or card games at night when LO goes to bed at 7. Thats helpful in reconnecting too.

jensahokie · June 2013

Ducky719:
Oh Penny, I'm still trying to figure out how to get sex back into our lives. DH and I still have a great relationship...we veg on the sofa together, have a few beers, laugh/vent, watch TV like we used to...but we just can't seem to find the motivation to add sex back to our lives. At this point, I'd be happy with just once a week...(pathetic I know). We have had sex twice since Sophie was born which is just...I don't even know that there is a word for it. I appreciate that he loves me so much and values our close relationship and that we don't feel the need to "do it", but...shouldn't we be doing it? I always think about how I need to add sex back into our weekly routine, but then I feel guilty for trying to plan it out. And when the time comes, I'm too tired or too lazy to actually make the attempt.

I can't really relate with the other things you mentioned because we both work, so our dynamic is different, but at least you know you aren't alone in the non-existent sex life department. Ducky's sex life = lame.

This. Except my situation is worse... we've had sex 1 time since DD was born - almost 1 year ago And I guess I am avoiding it because it was HORRIBLE. We went to Vegas for a professional trip and I thought it would be fun and romantic and it was the worst sex ever (for me, I don't think DH had a clue.) We're going through another FET and have just avoided sex because we've had a surprise BFP and want to make sure we do the FET, plus we are tired. And I am not attracted to DH right now; as much as I love him, it's always been more about the connection than performance (I may have had a little more experience than DH before we got married!) I recently left the military and work part time in private practice, so that is a stress, too. We made the decision to keep the girls in day care full time because my older two are in the preschool classes, and I think I stress about it more than DH which isn't good for our relationship. This is probably TMI, I need my own post, sorry

candyreesecup · June 2013

I totally understand! I went through the same thing when I was taking care of DD in the first 6 weeks. I was so surprised when we felt a disconnect because me and my DH had awesome relationship and always talked before DD's arrival. I felt I was so disconnected from the world and the only person I talked to was DH after he came home, but we were both so tired and didn't talk much. It was so awkward and uncomfortable. We discussed the issue and got better.

It's great that you guys are planning on date night! Great step and I am sure you will be right back onto the normal couple relationship, so hang in there!

As for sex....I was wondering how other ppl are dealing with b/c I am struggling! I am going to post a new thread to get more insights from others.

JBDamonM · June 2013

I feel like I could have written this post myself

We have definitely been in the same boat.

Before LO was born we had always promised to do date night once a month, pay for a sitter and really go out.....but it hasn't happened yet. We've had way too many weekend commitments and since I'm out of work unpaid at the moment, there just isn't money to be spent on going out.

Unfortunately we have also been having the "I do more", or "your day is easier" arguments very often lately. Things blew up over here on Fathers Day though so we've bOth been really focused on better communication about things this week. The last thing either of us want to do is fight in front of LO.

it sounds like you're doing everything right and just hitting a new point in the adjustment to parenthood. I particularly love the idea of a stay in date night if you can't get a sitter. It sounds like you guys have a great marriage and if you're cognizant about not falling into a rut I am sure things will get better.

and yes, the sex life you described is exactly the way things are around here and as far as I am concerned it makes things that much tougher because there is something to be said for the intimacy of having sex.

good luck, hang in there and know you are certainly not alone!

TJ1979 · June 2013

Everyone has had great advice. You are definitely not alone and unfortunately this is totally normal. Having a baby changes everything. It takes a while to settle into your new roles. You have to work on it, but it will get better!
As everyone said communication is key. Also remember that dates don't have to be at night. Our situation is different since we both work. But we both have off every other Friday. We take E for a half day at DC and go play golf. We didn't play golf before, but took it up as a hobby to do together. Sometimes you get so caught up in being mommy and daddy, you forget to be husband and wife. So you have to try to remember.
The grass is greener deal is a slippery slope too. We uses to always fight about who works harder or who did more that day. You have to agree not to think or talk about it. One day you might do more, the next day he might. Just remember that you are a team and no matter who does what, it all gets done and you are both working towards the same goal.
Big hugs. It will get better.

pb_bride · June 2013

Penny, as other PPs have said, this is really quite normal, just so you know that you're not alone in these feelings. I think I posted something similar when M was that age!

AS others pointed out, just talking it out w/YH is key - and it sounds like he's a great guy so he'll understand... eventually! It took MONTHS for DH & I to find our "roles" so to speak (I'm SAHM). It's important not to have resentment towards one another. I felt that way early on, but after talking about it (several times over course of a few months), it got better. Also, remember that as G gets a little older each week/month, it will get easier for you during the day.

I also felt that things got MUCH better for me once M started STTN. I was much less exhausted during the day and so I can function better and am much happier! GL!

Dragonfly1226 · June 2013

This is pretty typical when you have a new baby. I think a date night is a great idea. Sometimes it just takes time for your settle in to your new routine and also to get to the point when you are getting some more sleep. GL!

ELF4321 · June 2013

Like the others said, what you're going through is 100% normal in the first year. DH and I knew our relationship would probably suffer some, because all of our friends had warned us about it, but you never fully understand until you're in the midst of it. Keep talking and reassuring each other that it will get better in time. Spending some time alone together each evening is a good start. Try adding just 5 minutes of cuddling after you're done venting about your days, etc. It helped DH and I a lot to reconnect.

mcgeeva · June 2013

LeahB12:
I think the first year with DS1 was the same way for us. Having a baby really takes time away from your relationship. Keep your communication open, which it sounds like you are doing. It really does get easier. We are back in that stage after having DS2, but this time around I know it's temporary. I think it's completely normal. It sounds like you have a plan so just keep trying!

I agree with this. It's temporary..you learn and adjust as you go. But date night is key! Time away from the baby to work on you guys. Good luck! It does get better and I think everyone goes through this even if it's two working parents.

Saraevh · June 2013

As others have said, totally normal. For us, things got back to 'normal' after both of our kids started sleeping through the night and they got into routines. Once we were more well rested and not just basically in survival mode our relationship returned back to the way it was before. Give it a little more time.

PennyLane26 · June 2013

Wow, so many pieces of great advice I can't even quote you all to reply! Best of all, it's such a relief to see that so many of you are in the same situation (or have been in the past). I know "this too shall pass," but it's hard in the moment. Looking forward to our date tomorrow night, hopefully it's a step in the right direction.

Thanks ladies!

Jenny935 · June 2013

So glad to read everyone's stories. The sex thing with us is the hardest...since I was on pelvic rest most of the pregnancy at least it was a doctor's decision and not mine. But then I felt stressed after giving birth because then it was in my court ... but healing from this tear is not easy. We're almost at 16 weeks and it hasn't stopped hurting. But I feel like I should still "power through" as someone up the post said. It's nice to know we're not alone!

queenbone · June 2013

The first year is a rough transition, and you are only 2 mo in. It sounds like you two are doing a great job identifying your trouble areas and are proposing good solutions.

We had a really rough time the first year, and were extremely lacking in the intimacy department. Ultimately time is what healed our troubles, that and getting adequate sleep!

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