desperately needing advice about a situation with my mom..LONG

Kristonita12 · June 2013

Hi all.. I'm sorry in advance that this will be somewhat long, but I want to give the details of my situation and receive some feedback from you ladies. I can't even express how much I'll appreciate your responses. Here's the story:

When we decided to get pregnant, both my mother and my mother in law, who live about 2 hours apart, offered to be childcare for us. This was great news and they were both beyond excited to offer, so we had no qualms about accepting these offers. We had been living closer to my in-laws for a few years and my husband was having a hard time finding a job. That being said, some space gave us time to forget that my mom and I have somewhat of a dysfunctional relationship, which seems to be more easily managed when we aren't living right near each other or are at least spending some time apart (we lived near my parents during my graduate schooling and it wasn't nearly as bad as when I had lived WITH my mom.. we fought occasionally, but were able to mostly enjoy it or put up boundaries when she was being ridiculous).

Anyway,with DH not having any luck finding a decent job and still being in school (and in a position to transfer), we felt really excited when my dad offered my husband a job as the office manager at his business. Yes, working for my family sounded like it could be trouble, but we reasoned with ourselves that we have LO on the way and need the money badly, and my dad and I have always had an amazing relationship, so we thought it was perfect. We thought that would put MIL in a less awkward position, too, because although she offered childcare, she seemed less excited than my mom and would've had to quit her job to do so. We didn't even say yes to my dad's offer until we literally ran out of our other option-my income- when I was fired for not being able to do my job while pregnant due to doctor's orders. Then I was denied unemployment. It has been an uphill battle and we felt fortunate to have this opportunity on the table. Being that I lost my job, we were left without the option to move straight into our own place and have been living with my parents for about two months now to save money while my husband works. I even found a job that is AMAZING and has great benefits/ allows me to work from home one day a week to be with LO, meaning my mom would only be watching LO for 3.5 days per week.

Here's where the trouble starts. My mom has been picking fights left and right since I got my new job and since we put money down on an apartment to hold it for mid-July. We have cats, which my mom was totally accommodating about before we moved in, and she is now trying to force us to give our cats away if we want to stay/ making us keep them in a tiny room until we move. Fine, we can do that, even if it makes us really sad. Well now, she has decided that not only that, she refuses to watch LO at our place and is demanding it be at her place. No big deal, right? Wrong. My mom smokes like a chimney and we discussed and agreed upon the plans before a) moving down here and b) putting money down for this apartment..the plans being that she watch LO at our place.. we even got a really NICE apartment with a ton of space and a patio for her to use for smoking (a sizable fee). She's changing the game now because she thinks we're disempowered to do anything now that we put money down, I think. She "refuses" to be around animals and straight up told my husband and I that LO will have allergies and be "sickly" all from crawling around in "cat shi.t" and then criticized us for having a "filthy house," being "animal hoarders" and putting the animals needs above our child's. Let me just say this, YES we have 4 cats, it's too much, but we came into this marriage with two each and we love them. If anything were a problem with LO and the cats, of course the cats would be gone. We're not insane.Additionally, I'm kind of a clean freak and my house is MUCH cleaner than my mom's.. so it was all just really nasty stuff she said to be hurtful, but lacking in truth.

I'm so hurt and appalled by this behavior from my mom. I don't know what to do. Realistically, our options are A) Hope she stops acting a fool and sign our lease here, or Move back where we came from, switch OBs again, neither of us have jobs and be stuck living with my in-laws for a long time. They aren't the easiest people to deal with either, honestly. I should have expected this.. my mom has ALWAYS put her needs and desires above mine, but she was never unsafe and she loves me very much. If anyone is familiar, my mom refuses to go to therapy because the words "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" and "Borderline Personality Disorder" are some things she's heard before. Can you tell I've been in my own therapy to learn how to handle this?

My point in posting this is to hear how other moms to be and BTDT moms would handle this. I feel as though I am without choices for my little one and I want to make sure we're caring for our daughter to the best of our abilities. I know my mom will never harm baby, but she also doesn't see sitting for her in a smoker's house as a problem/seems to already be passing judgement on our parenting and making this relationship difficult. She also keeps saying "aw, you're so emotional and hormonal!" to me every time myself or DH react to the hurtful things she says.I also suspect she's nervous about her own abilities (very insecure usually) and trying to make ME say she can't do it so she doesn't have to try. The other things she seems upset about, that I suspect are the main issues, are that we have a video monitor we can check from our iPhones at work (she refers to this as a "psycho nanny cam"...even though we will only be using it when we're home..and she will be using it too) and we don't want her smoking around the baby (hello, SIDS). I think she thought she could get away with it and is noticing that we ALWAYS know when she's smoking inside. Anyway, HELP! I appreciate all of you who made it this far.

Kristonita12 · June 2013

ugh, okay, not SOMEWHAT long...VERY LONG. Sorry!

Pattern · June 2013

What a mess...I wouldn't let my LO be around someone who wants to smoke. Have you explored center based day care options? At least nine would be smoking or arising. If money is an issue...sounds like govt assisted support may be an option...GL

Kristonita12 · June 2013

I guess I should say this, money IS definitely the barrier to staying here and finding a different sitter. I'm trying to look into government assisted child care.. I'm just not sure if we quite qualify. We don't qualify for a lot of stuff because our income is just high enough..but with student loans and all the other expenses of life, we're still struggling big time.

Cleo421 · June 2013

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. What a mess. Your mom seems to enjoy that you're in a tight spot and exploit it. But all that aside, the smoking is a deal breaker for me. I don't think your mom is going to change her stripes, esp after baby comes. And esp if she legit has borderline. Unless you're prepared to find alternate care for LO when you're in your own apt, Id run not walk back to the in laws and figure it out from there.

And no judgement here on your 4 cats! We have 5, and you could eat dinner off my floors my house is so clean. My pet peeve ::ha! pun!:: is when folks conflate animals with being slovenly or keeping a nasty, unsantitary house. Cats for whatever reason generate an especially bad stereotype.

Cleo421 · June 2013

Kristonita12:
I guess I should say this, money IS definitely the barrier to staying here and finding a different sitter. I'm trying to look into government assisted child care.. I'm just not sure if we quite qualify.nbsp; We don't qualify for a lot of stuff because our income is just high enough..but with student loans and all the other expenses of life, we're still struggling big time.

Put your loans in forebearance. Don't worry about them for another year. The smidge of interest accrued would be worth it, IMO.

Kdstar411 · June 2013

You may just either give her no choice in the matter.... If you want to sit for our child then you do it at our place. No ifs and or buts about it. I'd also look into nannys or daycares in the area just to get pricing or info if your mother falls through. I'd do that first before leaving 2 jobs and starting over just cuz your mom is a pain.

ravenclaw1 · June 2013

So. Honestly? You ask for a freebie, you have to deal with the consequences. You don't like the consequences? Then you have to change your situation.

Yes, your mom sounds like she's being a jerk, no doubt. But it seems like that's who she is, and it's not for her to change to accommodate you.

At the end of the day, that baby is your responsibility, both emotionally and financially. You need to seek out a healthier place for all of you to live and trustworthy child care.

anotherlady2013 · June 2013

DiapersWipes:
Keep looking for other child care. Your relationship w your mother is going to be very strained if you let her care for your child.

Under no circumstances would I consider using her as a regular babysitter. She is going to try to use it as a power play over you.

Call the county to see about daycare assistance, talk to other moms in your area about cheap but good daycares, do whatever you have to do.

Best of luck!

This

LnR70707 · June 2013

Your mother's smoking alone is enough to say she isn't a good choice for a sitter...the BSC personality disorder makes it hard to believe you accepted the possibility in the first place (prior to the job losses). If you can stay and have your H work for your Dad without being manipulated at every turn by her, I would do that and look for other daycare options. One income is better than none.

jeapplegate · June 2013

Look into IBR repayment plan, and say no to your mom. You say that she would never do anything to harm your child, but by smoking around you while pregnant she already has. By pressing you to have the baby in her smokey house she is asking you to let her harm your child more. Look for an in home daycare and see if your h can adjust his hours at all to cut back on how much daycare time you need.

Also take a long look at your budget, see if you can cut any expenses. For example smart phone plans are expensive. Also see if your landlord will let you scale back on your apartment.

Goodluck

Luckymomma4 · June 2013

First off, I am normally a smoker when not pregnant (although this time I might not start back up again) I can't stand the smell of smoke in a house, car, or place around lots of people.... And that's coming from someone that has smoked. I totally get where you are coming from and that is a legit concern. Second, I have three cats and at one point we had 6.... Our house wasn't covered in cat poo and my kids do have allergies but they are no worse than anyone else's. I think that you should try speaking with her again about these issues and if it doesn't change or lead to compromise you should consider choice B. The health of your family is more important.

Luckymomma4 · June 2013

laurelannie:
When you've dealt with a mentally ill parent your entire life, at some point you have to stop being surprised when they aren't reliable and behave like the mentally ill person they are. You need to find other options. I understand that you were stuck between a rock and a hard place when you accepted the job offer from your father and moved in with your parents, but that needs to be the end of it. If your MIL can still watch your child then do that, if not then maybe you and your SO need to figure out how to balance your work schedules so that you don't need a sitter at all, or maybe you'll have to stay home (or maybe SO will have to stay home if you have more earning potential). Since your mother isn't going to be caring for your child (my hope is at all, but at least not at your new apartment) then see if you can switch the one you've leased for one that is less expensive, without a balcony that you got specifically for her smoking.

Allowing your mother to be the caregiver to your child, where you're going to have to rely on her to follow your instructions on some very important things (like medication doses, nap times, when solid food can be introduced, etc.) when you can't even count on her not to smoke around your child is asking for trouble. Allow her to be a grandparent, but don't allow her to be a caregiver for this child.

love this response!

coraggiosa · June 2013

laurelannie:
When you've dealt with a mentally ill parent your entire life, at some point you have to stop being surprised when they aren't reliable and behave like the mentally ill person they are. You need to find other options. I understand that you were stuck between a rock and a hard place when you accepted the job offer from your father and moved in with your parents, but that needs to be the end of it. If your MIL can still watch your child then do that, if not then maybe you and your SO need to figure out how to balance your work schedules so that you don't need a sitter at all, or maybe you'll have to stay home (or maybe SO will have to stay home if you have more earning potential). Since your mother isn't going to be caring for your child (my hope is at all, but at least not at your new apartment) then see if you can switch the one you've leased for one that is less expensive, without a balcony that you got specifically for her smoking.

Allowing your mother to be the caregiver to your child, where you're going to have to rely on her to follow your instructions on some very important things (like medication doses, nap times, when solid food can be introduced, etc.) when you can't even count on her not to smoke around your child is asking for trouble. Allow her to be a grandparent, but don't allow her to be a caregiver for this child.

Yes

awright1983 · June 2013

Ditto and thumbs up to laurelannie and ravenclaw.

SaraSKC · June 2013

If your mom has NPD and BPD it is very unlikely she is fit to care for your child. My mother in law is in that same boat in terms of her mental health. Don't get me wrong, there are qualities in her that seem positive at times. Ways in which she can be a wonderful grandparent. However, I have a 13 year old stepson who received a lot of care from her over the years. He bears the scars. A close relationship with someone with her mental illnesses has left him completely codependent. He cannot share a feeling or opinion for fear or hurting someone else. He lives in constant fear of people getting mad at him (neither my husband, myself, or his mom are particularly angry or scary people). He both hates and has picked up some of her manipulative tendencies. He now says he loves her but he doesn't want to be around her because of "all the drama." It hurts him so much to say that.

I'm not saying your experiences will be mine. However, is it worth the risk? After a lot of discussion, my husband and I have agreed that we cannot and will not leave this baby alone with MIL. Ever. She would never intentionally harm a child. She loves her grand kids very much. But she has no concept of the emotional damage she causes. And all of this is textbook borderline personality disorder stuff.

In your case, when you add in the smoking and the criticizing of your housekeeping and parenting decisions (thoughts she will likely share with your child), I really don't think you can trust her with child care. Day care is expensive. We are broke too. Between mortgage and student loans and child support we can't afford it either. But we will breast feed and cloth diaper, and stop eating out even occasionally, and cut down our bare bones bills even further. We have to. You can do it. I promise you, as stressful as it will be, it will hurt less than watching your child deal with the emotional ramifications of being cared for by your mom. Sorry if this is harsh, but I really think it is true.

Kristonita12 · June 2013

SaraSKC:
If your mom has NPD and BPD it is very unlikely she is fit to care for your child. My mother in law is in that same boat in terms of her mental health. Don't get me wrong, there are qualities in her that seem positive at times. Ways in which she can be a wonderful grandparent. However, I have a 13 year old stepson who received a lot of care from her over the years. He bears the scars. A close relationship with someone with her mental illnesses has left him completely codependent. He cannot share a feeling or opinion for fear or hurting someone else. He lives in constant fear of people getting mad at him (neither my husband, myself, or his mom are particularly angry or scary people). He both hates and has picked up some of her manipulative tendencies. He now says he loves her but he doesn't want to be around her because of "all the drama." It hurts him so much to say that.
I'm not saying your experiences will be mine. However, is it worth the risk? After a lot of discussion, my husband and I have agreed that we cannot and will not leave this baby alone with MIL. Ever. She would never intentionally harm a child. She loves her grand kids very much. But she has no concept of the emotional damage she causes. And all of this is textbook borderline personality disorder stuff.
In your case, when you add in the smoking and the criticizing of your housekeeping and parenting decisions (thoughts she will likely share with your child), I really don't think you can trust her with child care. Day care is expensive. We are broke too. Between mortgage and student loans and child support we can't afford it either. But we will breast feed and cloth diaper, and stop eating out even occasionally, and cut down our bare bones bills even further. We have to. You can do it. I promise you, as stressful as it will be, it will hurt less than watching your child deal with the emotional ramifications of being cared for by your mom. Sorry if this is harsh, but I really think it is true.

it's not harsh, I really appreciate you sharing your experiences.

Kristonita12 · June 2013

To everyone, thank you for all of your advice and perspective. It is greatly appreciated!

katiezab · June 2013

Honestly, it sounds like you need to find child care elsewhere. You could try to nanny share, I think that is usually the most inexpensive. Or you could find a job working only when your husband is off and use your mom as back up. You want to be able to focus at work and know your baby is not only safe, but happy and entertained and truly cared for.

That being said, if you do go with your mom you need to get on that smoking nonsense! If it was me, I would say the rules are that smoking is only outside while baby is safe and settled inside, she change her shirt from smoking when she comes inside even if she just brings a t shirt to put over her shirt, and she wash her hands arms and mouth when she comes inside. Yes I would honestly say this to someone. Smoking is so bad for little babies whose immune systems are developing!

Kristonita12 · June 2013

katiezab:
Honestly, it sounds like you need to find child care elsewhere. You could try to nanny share, I think that is usually the most inexpensive. Or you could find a job working only when your husband is off and use your mom as back up. You want to be able to focus at work and know your baby is not only safe, but happy and entertained and truly cared for. That being said, if you do go with your mom you need to get on that smoking nonsense! If it was me, I would say the rules are that smoking is only outside while baby is safe and settled inside, she change her shirt from smoking when she comes inside even if she just brings a t shirt to put over her shirt, and she wash her hands arms and mouth when she comes inside. Yes I would honestly say this to someone. Smoking is so bad for little babies whose immune systems are developing!

I know! I tried to speak with her about it again this morning, and even just my saying she needs to smoke on the patio and make sure to throw her cigarette butts in the outside trash can, not inside, was too much for her. When she asked to sit for the baby in her house, I said no because of smoke and she said "okay, so you're just a fruit loop about smoking and don't know how to be rational about it. there's nothing wrong with my house." she's on the defense and it's not going to change. sigh.

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desperately needing advice about a situation with my mom..LONG

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