New baby=New stress

btrebus · June 2013

So BM just brought up a week or two ago that she wants to do 50/50 custody instead of our every other weekend that we normally get. But she doesn't want to adjust child support (we are giving her $500 a month). DH avoids confrontation with her bc she's such a spoiled brat and always gets her way so he'd just rather not fight with her. Well, last weekend I found out we will be having a baby of our own. I'm not ok with giving her all that money while paying for more doing 50/50 and we have a baby on the way. I don't even know what she does with that money because we have to get him haircuts and buy him new clothes all the time. I've tried to reason with DH but he really doesn't want to piss her off "Because she's accustomed to having that money every month." I really don't know how to reason with DH!

fellesferie · June 2013

YH doesn't avoid confrontation because she's a spoiled brat. YH avoids confrontation because he avoids confrontation. They have set up a dynamic where she gets her way because he gives it to her. If he wants to also avoid confrontation with you, I guess he'll have to make some choices.

I don't know enough about your circumstances to say whether YH's support obligation should change if you go to 50/50. Fortunately, there's almost certainly a state calculator that will tell you whether a court would agree with you.

10-4LilBuddy · June 2013

If you want to change the custody agreement, I would refile the paperwork. I know it is an additional expense but as someone who has been burned by an informal agreement, I would caution against it. You cannot change the amount of child support unless you refile. I understand your reasoning for changing the child support to match the amount of time you actually have the child. If the reverse was true and you were going from 5050 to EOWE, I am sure she would apply for the increase. Why should this be different?

Out of curiousity, why does she want the change?

HisChamaoleGirl · June 2013

JNL$LSM:
btrebus:
So BM just brought up a week or two ago that she wants to do 50/50 custody instead of our every other weekend that we normally get. But she doesn't want to adjust child support (we are giving her $500 a month). DH avoids confrontation with her bc she's such a spoiled brat and always gets her way so he'd just rather not fight with her. Well, last weekend I found out we will be having a baby of our own. I'm not ok with giving her all that money while paying for more doing 50/50 and we have a baby on the way. I don't even know what she does with that money because we have to get him haircuts and buy him new clothes all the time. I've tried to reason with DH but he really doesn't want to piss her off "Because she's accustomed to having that money every month." I really don't know how to reason with DH!
I kind understand what you are saying, however, $500 a month is not a lot of money to raise a kid. I mean that right there would be daycare for DN.

If you update the CO to reflect the 50/50 custody, I would also ask for CS to be reevaluated at that time. Whenever there is a change like custody its not wrong to reevaluate. Your DH may end up paying less or more with the arrangement or there could be a chance she would pay you. If you're in the situation to split time equally (example: wont mess up SS school schedule) then why not take the increase in time with him?

btrebus · June 2013

I have no idea what brought on the change. I think she wants to date and go out more, that's all I can think of. SS is 10 so he's not in daycare anymore and afterschool care is included in his school.

CFjo2010 · June 2013

fellesferie:
YH doesn't avoid confrontation because she's a spoiled brat. YH avoids confrontation because he avoids confrontation. They have set up a dynamic where she gets her way because he gives it to her. If he wants to also avoid confrontation with you, I guess he'll have to make some choices.

^^This. People behave how you allow them to behave. If DH stops giving in to whatever BM wants, she'll stop expecting him to give into her. But this is something you and DH need to get on the same page with now, not later. With a baby on the way you need to go over your budget and start factoring in childcare/diapers/formula/wipes/etc. He may see on his own that it's time to revisit the CS issue. I don't believe that having a baby is grounds for changing CS, but a change in the timeshare definitely is.

Congrats on your pregnancy. Wishing you a happy and healthy 9 months!

2chatter · June 2013

There are rules governing CS and time for a reason. Use them. If DH is not on board with living by the rules, that to me is a red flag for 8 more years of conflict and stress between you and he - as BM and DH will continue to make decisions that impact your family with no baseline of rules and you do not get a say.

Alohalove · June 2013

Any changes in custody should be filed with the court. I agree that the child support amount should reflect the change in custody.

Personally, I would have huge huge issues with my DH if he ever decided that not pissing off his ex-wife was more important than pissing of his current wife.

CurlieWhirlie · June 2013

JNL$LSM:
I kind understand what you are saying, however, $500 a month is not a lot of money to raise a kid. I mean that right there would be daycare for DN.

This was my first thought, but I know it depends on how much money you are living on, because $500 a month is a hell of a lot when you don't have it... My ex and I don't pay each other child support because we get along and are able to share expenses equally for DS, plus we make the same amount of money and share custody 50/50, but I know that if he was not making as much money I would worry about him and I would want to give him a little extra, if I had the ability to do that. Does that make sense at all? Maybe that's where your DH is coming from. It's not a simple matter of giving her less money and having more for your family, it's also probably assuaging any guilt or responsibility he may feel for her. Which is understandable.

Just trying to think about it from a different perspective.

SimpleJane · June 2013

Well, first of all 500 a month is not a lot. Secondly, a change to 50/50 may not even affect CS depending on what state you are in. When XH and I divorced he asked for 50/50 thinking he would be paying less, that was untrue in our state, as he makes considerably more money than I am capable of making.

Look up the CS calculator for your state and run some numbers.

He may not want to give her less because 'that is what she is accustomed to' and because he is afraid that giving less to her will have an affect on SS lifestyle at her house. Maybe he just wants to make sure his son is being taken care of at his other house as well yours. I don't think that is an awful thing.

Littlejen22 · June 2013

SimpleJane:
Well, first of all 500 a month is not a lot. Secondly, a change to 50/50 may not even affect CS depending on what state you are in. When XH and I divorced he asked for 50/50 thinking he would be paying less, that was untrue in our state, as he makes considerably more money than I am capable of making.

Look up the CS calculator for your state and run some numbers.

He may not want to give her less because 'that is what she is accustomed to' and because he is afraid that giving less to her will have an affect on SS lifestyle at her house. Maybe he just wants to make sure his son is being taken care of at his other house as well yours. I don't think that is an awful thing.

Ditto above. And he might not want to risk her saying that he cannot have more time with his child.

Sigir · June 2013

Alohalove:
Any changes in custody should be filed with the court. nbsp;I agree that the child support amount should reflect the change in custody. nbsp;Personally, I would have huge huge issues with my DH if he ever decided that not pissing off his exwife was more important than pissing of his current wife. nbsp;nbsp;

Ita, ESP w the second part!

It's not clear frm the op, does the bm want to change to 50 50 without going through court? Like others said, bad idea. How long have they been apart? He has to get over this fear of her and use the court system, this is what it is there for. I understand this fear, I've had it myself, but he has to face it esp w a baby on the way.

The only reason I started standing up to my exh and faced the fear what bc I was marrying my dh, and I knew it was not fair to him if I continued to give into every financial bullying whim of my exh. Hopefully your dh feels the same way.

I am surprised so many posters are saying "500 is not so much". Let the state calculator decide! Why should the op's dh put their family at a disadvantage if they don't have to? Btw I get far less than 500 a month. I am also surprised to hear "maybe he does not want to rock the boat bc he wants more time w his son". If he wants more time w his son, go to court! Don't live in fear of rocking the boat, if you do it'll be a long painful life, treading so carefully around the bm. That is why court is there for.

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