- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Natural Birth
halfthetree
member
Unsupportive Husband
halfthetree
member
So my darling hubby threw me through a loop today. He has told me that he doesn't want to be at the birth of our second child. He doesn't understand why he has to be there supporting me, he doesn't want to do anything like cut the cord etc., nor does he want to be my support person during labor.
I am planning a home water birth with my wonderful midwife. I am floored now. I want him there helping me and loving me, to see our baby be born and experience it with me. But he is being such an ashole about this.
Anyone been through this or any advice? Books to have him read, if I could convince him to?
I will be taking a Bradley method class, he said he would come. I hope that could help a bit.
I am planning a home water birth with my wonderful midwife. I am floored now. I want him there helping me and loving me, to see our baby be born and experience it with me. But he is being such an ashole about this.
Anyone been through this or any advice? Books to have him read, if I could convince him to?
I will be taking a Bradley method class, he said he would come. I hope that could help a bit.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Unsupportive Husband
He said he would go but who knows. He's being selfish so it could go either way I guess.
Tell him the next time something major and important happens in his life you don't want to be there.
Tell him the next time he wants sex that you don't want to be there.
Tell him anything he has to have surgery or other major medical issue that you don't want to be there.
Seriously, if that doesn't make him realize what an a** he is being then I'd tell him that next time he wants to have a wife, you don't want to be it.
I'd seriously be pissed if my H said this. And I mean, marriage ending pissed.
B born 7/15/13, C born 3/2/15, #3 on the way May '17
I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond! I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.
WTF? I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he doesn't realize how messed up that sounds.
I think a lot of men don't really WANT to be there. I mean I'm sure they want to see their children born but don't want to deal with all the labor stuff. I don't blame them. I don't really want to deal with the labor, either.
It's one thing to say you don't want to be there in a not serious way. My husband said lots of times that he wishes it was the 50's so he could sit in the lobby and smoke a cigar. He was joking. When it came down to it there was no way anyone could stop him from being there. Are you sure he's being serious? If he is....wow.
Good luck OP.
I'm sorry to bring this up if it is hurtful, but do you think he's having issues after your last pregnancy ended in losses? Maybe bring this up with your MW to talk together about so he can address what's really bothering him. She could also suggest counceling for him to cope with his fears. It seems so out of the blue and wacky for a parent not to want tobe at the birth, that it makes me wonder if something else is up, kwim? I'M so sorry for your losses. GL with Dh, I hope he comes around.
I was wondering the same thing, and I mean this with respect. I am so sorry for your loss. I honestly can only imagine how hard that was for the two of you. Based on your signature, it looks like it was fairly recent, too (not that time could ever change what you have had to go through. Again, I am really so sorry. I wish there was more I could say). I'm sure that you've had different support offered to you, but maybe he still needs to process until he gets to a place where he can be supportive for this birth.
You are probably already doing something like this, but if there is a support group for infant/pregnancy loss that includes dads or if can see a counselor alone, I wonder if that would be helpful. Obviously only the two of you would know what would be best.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope this is your rainbow baby. I also hope YH gets to a place where he can give you the support you want, and deserve.
My husband gets squicky about blood amd stuff too. He also did not want to cut the cord, but no biggie. I have always though that was a silly tradition anyway. He was right there, doing whatever I needed him to do, though.
If you are planning a home waterbirth, he would not jeed to be as front and centre as he was during a hospital birth, assuming you had one last time. With my hospital birth, hubby was assigned to hold my legs back for me amd got full on crotch view. With my homebirth, I pushed on my knees in the tub, leaning forward into his shoulder for support, so he didn't actually get a view of the actual birth. He did say thay after the baby's head was out, when he looked into the tub he could see some blonde hair floating in the water, which was an amazing moment for him by the sounds of it, but the positioning of my body stopped him from seeing anything else.
Bottom line is, I would be making it crystal clear to my husband that he needed to suck it up and be there to support me every step of the way. Nonattendance would not be an option.
Good luck!
All of this.
If my husband didn't want to be there, I'd be so mad. I'd tell him to suck it up. "The two of us were there when LO was first in and there's going to be two of us when LO comes out."
#2 3/2015
#3 3/2017
#4 10/2019
You're totally right, I was trying to be sensitive because like PPs I thought maybe he was still holding something in from our recent loss, and maybe detached from this pregnancy as a result. But I am marriage ending pissed, I'm relieved to hear that it's not out of line to be so mad.
I think he will come around, I know he will come to the classes and I just hope that gives him a sense of belonging in our birth. With our first son it was a stressful intervention filled birth, and he felt in the way and powerless.
I think I can get him to watch a few homebirth videos, g rated ones, and maybe he will see what normal birth looks like.
Thank you ladies, I don't feel as crazy for being so mad at him. I will talk to him more about our twins loss and see if he is holding some stuff back that's affecting his views of this pregnancy. We conceived 2 weeks after our miscarriage so I don't doubt that plays a role.
Best of luck to you and your family. I think you have every right to be mad and hope that you are able to find a solution that works for everyone.
Well, if your first birth was intervention-heavy and left him with no role, and if it was stressful for him to be in that environment with so many docs, I can see why he wouldn't want to be there. That is no valid excuse, but I sort of understand where he's coming from.
He's got to get over it, though. I would try to get him to talk to the midwife and a doula and take the birth classes to give him concrete things he can do to help you labor and make him an active participant.
You'll carry your child for 9 months and birth said child - the least he can do is hold your hand while you do it. And if he can't, then he's no partner. And you can add me to the list of people that would be marriage-ending pissed.
From the angle of communication being good in marriage, can you talk to him more, in a comfortable setting, to find out more behind his reasons. They are there, and often men need to be drawn out. You need him at the birth, he needs to know over and over how much you need him at the birth, and he needs to know that you can listen and hear his honest thoughts without getting lashed at (not saying you'll do that). You just never know what's perking in that head of his, and if you're committed to each other, try to find out more.
Was he involved in the decision to home birth? Was he ready to try for another baby? I don't offer those to excuse - but to try to help you learn what's up in his head.
Hopefully a benefit of the classes will show him how important the role of the husband is.
My amazingly tolerant wife was telling me about this post today. I felt strongly enough to create an account and post this.
First, a bit about me: 31, working in the ecomm field. My wife and I are expecting our first within the next few months.
That being said, from a male point of view I would like to reply to this post:
sTEPHANIE,
Woah, caps lock there.
So, from a guys point of view that is expecting in Oct.. I understand my wife, and you, are going to be going through an incredible life changing event. You, and we, will be bringing a new life into the world that will encompass all of our hopes and dreams. While this is happening to you, something happens to us on a primal level.
You can die.We can't do anything about it. It's insanely selfish, but it may still happen. We will be brought into a waiting room and told wait by people we don't know. Our friends and family will be around to welcome the new life, but you can die.
How do you think we feel knowing the love our lives can die, and that we cant do anything except sit and wait? You, in this case a water birth, are trusting your life to someone. That person may have been brought into our home, we know them, but at the end of the day I, and he, dont trust them to provide all the needed medical attention in case of emergency.
Child birth is an amazing and wonderful thing, but what about you? You are the primary concern, yet you come onto these boards to post about how he doesn't support you.
Why would you do that? You already know the dangers. By your choice of how you want to deliver your child, have you taken any thought into how he might feel? You are minutes away from a hospital, but if you hemorrhage it may as well be hours. You are putting his childs life, and your life, in the hands of someone who doesn't have the ability to keep you alive.
You made that decision.
As a man, that seems to be a hard call. Have you thought about doing it in hospital so that if something goes wrong, the absolute best is at hand to make sure you and the child are ok?
Seems to me you are self centered. Why don't you talk to your husband and find out why he doesn't want to be there instead of posting it here. You might learned something about him, and yourself.
Or you could be like this person and not realize its a marriage, not a one sided fark fest.
Hope no one has called you a moron yet today, i'd like to be the first.
Um.... none of ^^^^ makes sense to me. Maybe I'm just really tired tonight but I don't get what this guy's try to really say. But anyway...
Good! Talk to him, keep and open line of communication, and support him. Explain that you NEED his support, he's not worthless during the birth, he is your birth PARTNER and you need him there. Give him things to do and help him feel important. Tell him that leaving you at this moment would be like you leaving him when he needs you the most (as per my initial examples).
For a movie I highly recommend in this case "Pregnant in America". There are a lot of things about that film that I don't like, but it shows a Dad who REALLY takes control of the situation and is a very active participant not only in the labor and delivery, but his wife's pregnancy as well. A little overbearing for my tastes but otherwise a good example of how Dad can be a big part of it all. They do have a medical emergency, too, that shows that even if something does go wrong a well-trained midwife will know the signs and get you to the hospital in enough time. And it sounds to me like you have a trained, certified midwife so that shouldn't be a concern of his.
B born 7/15/13, C born 3/2/15, #3 on the way May '17
I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond! I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.
I am so sorry! I understand your need to vent. I have been with my husband for 11 years and I attribute to our success is that we never, ever close the line of communication no matter how upset or hurt we are. And the truth is, between the two of us, it is me that has to pull a lot of his feelings out because he does not innately share or even reflect sometimes on why he says what he does or feels the way he feels.
That one comment said you might be acting selfish. Ignore it. First, I dont see any harm in us using this as a safe place of anonymity to bounce ideas, feelings, fears and problems off others going through similar things. Second, you are the one delivering this baby out of YOUR body. Yes, it should be a conversation between you both but ultimately, it is your decision to do what makes you most comfortable and it is his job to support you. It is a trade if you will. You grow and birth your joint baby and he provides you with the moral, physical and emotional support to help you get it done. I understand the husband is scared but so are we as women going through labor.
Before you really have it out with your hubby, I suggest either talking it through with a councilor or a good joint friend who you know will help act as a mediator. Stay calm, explain your feelings and ask questions about his. Never give up communicating until you both have come to an agreement that you are comfortable with. He needs to be there for you in a way that you are comfortable. And you are not comfortable with his absence so that is simply not an option! Good luck
I am sure it will all work out!
To the husband who responded: This is the fear-mongering that probably leads many women to have birth experiences they end up hating & feeling traumatized.
My husband was not on board with going the natural/midwife/birth center route. I made him educate himself. He quickly got on board & was a HUGE support during the experience. Had we done it in a hospital setting, I think he would have had a negative experience because you're more likely, as a woman & mother, to have your power & control over your birth taken from you and dad can be put in the middle. Not saying he had no worries or fears, but a midwife is WAY more apt to take the time & alleviate those fears than a doctor who has a waiting room of patients to see.
So where to start...
I assume you are being a good little husband and reading What to Expect When Expecting and "educating" yourself on all the risks and complications of pregnancy and child birth. Good for you.
Now a home birth was a decision my husband and I made together after the birth of our first son. So nice try, not once did I say that he was not a part of that decision making process. Turns out you might have comprehension issues as well.
My wonderful husband just doesn't feel the need to be my support person during labor. Read and reread my post again, maybe you need to read it a few extra times and then you will understand. Probably hard for you with your head all filled up with wonderful fear mongering literature.
Now post partum hemorrhages occur in 18 out of 100 vaginal births, and are associated with longer third stages of labor, episiotomies, and delivering multiples. If you were truly educated on birth and all of the risks, preventative measures, unnecessary interventions and treatments associated with it, you would know that home births are associated with shorter labours in general, lowered post partum hemorrhage rates, lower maternal death rates, lower intervention rates, and overall happier births. The average OB has about an 80 percent episiotomy rate. That means 80 out of 100 women will have their vagina sliced open, and most it is absolutely unnecessary. Midwives at home births have an average of less than 5 percent. So by association that is reducing a risk factor for PPH.
Now, should a PPH indeed occur at a homebirth, had you been informed before you got all fired up at me, you would already know that CNM's alert local ambulances before the mother begins pushing, they have the address and are ready to go if the call must be made. That said, a midwife has the necessary means to stop a PPH. They have pitocon, which is the first medical intervention in the event of bleeding. They know how to do an abdominal massage, which helps the uterus contract to squeeze the blood vessels shut. In my area only 1 woman had to be transferred out of 637 home births last year, and they had stopped her bleeding very quickly, minutes after the midwife suspected the PPH and was able to administer the pitocin.
Midwives also usually have a partner trained in infant resuscitation, incase that is the next thing What to Expect told you to fear.
The choice to homebirth was made by both me and my husband because of what we experienced in a hospital, and I hope your wife's birth is nothing like that, but it happens often.
You and your little fear based brain might find it interesting that infection rates are much higher at a hospital than at a home birth, and that could kill your wife too.
Do your own research before you hijack a thread that has nothing to do with the decision to home birth, rather it is about the decision to attend the birth.
Thank you for reiterating my issue here. It clearly is a marriage, thanks tips.
Thank you for your kind words, very wise. We aren't the yelling and fighting type of couple, luckily we too are able to communicate quite effectively and clearly, this is just one topic where I was stumped on and didn't know how to continue the conversation. We are currently in a much better place, hours of discussion, and home birth videos later, he is starting to realize his role is much more important than what it was at our hospital birth, where doctors barked orders and didn't discuss many things with him. I'm thankful for everyone's advice, minus one little keener husband, so thank you all!
is Adamswife still on here? Her DH was in the house, but not present for at least one of her births. I think she might hang out on the EFF board now. It might be worth paging her.
I don't think it's insane for him to not want to be there. Can you guys come up with some sort of compromise? He's in the house, and comes in for the birth only? I dunno, that's a tough one!
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
We talked more extensively about it and he is hesitant to be there because he feels helpless and doesn't like to see me in pain, so he would rather avoid it all and meet the baby after lol. We are going to a Bradley class starting in September and I am pretty confident once he learns how to relieve some of my pain and how important his role will be, he will feel better. We are also hiring two wonderful doulas, one who is training me, and the other is my best friend, so that will help a lot I hope!
First off, I never believe anyone on these boards who claims to be a man. You are an AE all the way, dude!
Secondly, pretty sure this is a (fairly) anonymous message board. If you've been around here for any length of time, you'd realize that ppl post all kinds of private shiz. Maybe she's sorting out her thoughts before she talks to her DH about this again.
Thirdly, this seems to be a thinly-veiled rant about the selfishness of home birth. To which I say, f**ck off and mind your own business.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
Ah, that makes sense. I think men are very much expected to want to be at their wife's birth (as is shown in this thread!), that there's no room for the men who might not be gung-ho about it. It sounds like you have a good plan in place to get him to come around
.
Seriously, page or PM +adamwife+ and see what she has to say. I'm pretty sure she's been through this before! https://www.thebump.com/profiles/%2badamwife%2b/mybump/mybio
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)