Feeling Guilty Keeping IF from ILs

AnnaLynn83 · June 2013

My disclaimer I'm mobile bumping and completely rambling but wanted to get my thoughts out and see what everyone thinks before having to be back at work! Thanks!

Should I feel guilty about keeping IF and IVF from my in laws? DH is completely ok with it. It was his idea not to tell them until we were successful. He said we shouldn't tell them because his mom CAN'T keep a secret. She also LOVES spreading bad and unfortunate news only. She is truthfully a very unhappy and miserable person. That being said, my mom knows ALL about our struggles. My mom is the most loving and supportive woman I have ever met. DH is closer to her than his own parents. Sad but true. The problem is if IVF works and we then tell them all we have been through, she will be mad if she finds out my mom knew the whole time. When she asks why we didn't tell her too, I can't just tell her because she is a mean, unsupportive B who would have just asked too many questions, blamed DH and told us obviously we just shouldn't have kids because its not meant to be before spreading our news to everyone. Also, she is the only one in his family like this. We are close to his sister and brother and his grandmother is great. But, we have kept is a secret from them so its not a big conspiracy against her. I just wish we felt like we could share with her without knowing she would make this even harder on us.

Unknown · June 2013

Just tell her it was a secret kept from everyone and ask your mom to please not mention it. Or don't tell either of them until you know if the preg is viable then you will be fair and won't have to lie or be in "trouble" w your MIL

solisilou · June 2013

I'm sorry you're dealing with this dilemma. I have a strict policy only to reveal our IF struggles to people that I know for sure will support us. I don't feel guilty about it at all. My family knows nothing of our struggles and I've just recently told my MIL about it. Self-preservation is the word.

beachy6 · June 2013

My mom knows everything, but my MIL only knows very little. She is very nosey and thinks it's her right to know everything about everyone. Um, no. She only knows enough to keep her quiet. I look at it like, I certainly wouldn't tell her if DH and I were trying to make a baby the old fashioned way, so why does she need to know these intimate details, too? Plus, she thinks she knows how I feel because she had to try FOUR WHOLE MONTHS to conceive my DH. Seriously? I didn't even have a response to that when she said it! She's a hot mess!

shell3879 · June 2013

Don't feel bad. We haven't told either sets of our parents yet. We would just rather share the good news once we have some. Plus my MIL thinks she knows it all.

kjf114 · June 2013

honestly if she is not supportive and can't keep a secret.. I wouldn't feel bad about not telling them especially if you have dh on your side. IF is a struggle itself and you don't need extra added on stress from the IL side! good luck sweetie xo

WindyCity33 · June 2013

It's such a personal (and difficult) choice as far as who you share what with. If she's one to spread info and you know this would you be ok if she did just that with your info?

AnnaLynn83 · June 2013

WindyCity33:
It's such a personal and difficult choice as far as who you share what with. If she's one to spread info and you know this would you be ok if she did just that with your info?

No, I wouldn't be ok if she spread our info about this subject. It's too personal and painful. It's just going to be hard if she finds out that my mom and brother knew. She will be mad and voice her anger to us. She will then talk behind our backs to family that we didn't tell her, etc. DH might just have to be honest and tell her he knew she couldn't keep a secret and we couldn't risk it on such a emotional and painful subject. He is more determined she doesn't find out right now than I am.

girlgotwings · June 2013

Frankly, I see absolutely NOTHING wrong with choosing to share this information with your mother and not your MIL. She is your MOTHER and every girl has a right to share any secret she wants with her mom...I think it's a rule somewhere

You don't need to excuse that to anyone...even MIL

katekat8721 · June 2013

From your description, heck no I wouldn't tell her. You don't need her negativity or spreading around this news at this time in your life. It sounds like you don't necessarily want to tell her... you're just afraid of her reaction should it work. If that's the case, then I would stop worrying about that and just focus on the present. You can cross that bridge if/when you get there.

WindyCity33 · June 2013

AnnaLynn83:
WindyCity33:
It's such a personal and difficult choice as far as who you share what with. If she's one to spread info and you know this would you be ok if she did just that with your info?
No, I wouldn't be ok if she spread our info about this subject. It's too personal and painful. It's just going to be hard if she finds out that my mom and brother knew. She will be mad and voice her anger to us. She will then talk behind our backs to family that we didn't tell her, etc. DH might just have to be honest and tell her he knew she couldn't keep a secret and we couldn't risk it on such a emotional and painful subject. He is more determined she doesn't find out right now than I am.

Take a deep breath. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill here. There's enough to worry about with IF. If your DH was pushing to tell his parents and you were against it I could see where there may be an issue but since he's against it why worry? You owe nothing to anyone in this journey and I have to imagine if treatment gives her a grankid she's not going to care about the process to get there.

Margritli · June 2013

I was very glad to read others' opinion on this topic, because I was wondering the same thing, not with my MIL, but rather SIL, who is the princess of doom and gloom, searching for the very worst in every situation. SIL is the wife of DH's brother and I am not sure how well MIL (who I love) and she even get along, but I am NOT telling SIL, because I do not need anyone to drag me down in what is already a subprime situation.

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