I feel completely out of control!!

JonesBaby0624 · June 2013

These insane emotions have me on edge every second. I feel like I am a complete mess most of the time. If I try to go out I just end up running home, back to my safe place, because I can't handle my emotions when I see pregnant women or babies. I don't feel like I am moving forward at all.

My cousin's wife had their twin boys this morning. She made it to 37 weeks and they are so healthy. I am very happy for them and so thrilled they are here and healthy. How can I be so happy for them and so angry and jealous at the same time? They have these perfect little twin boys and I just keep thinking they should be mine, which I know makes no sense!!

How did you ladies handle your emotions with family members welcoming their new babies?

I'm sorry, this may not even make any sense!!

fouadi · June 2013

I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my perfect boys on Sunday. I am completely lost for words. I have allowed pregnancy to consume me for so many years, that I don't know what to do with out being pregnant or trying to become pregnant. All of my friends seem to be pregnant and I had been trying the longest. I have no idea how I will feel when they give birth. I want to start trying again asap or at least get my appointments set up. I wonder if I am a weirdo.

OSUWifey09 · June 2013

***SIGGY WARNING***

I had a cousin make a surprise "we're pregnant!" announcement just a month after we lost Devon - and she had just had a baby three months before that. She's a great mom, so I was happy for her...but at the same time, I was insanely jealous. She was going to get TWO healthy babies in one freaking year, and I had to bury mine. How the crap was that fair?

It took me months to come to grips with that. My family didn't talk about it much, and I was totally fine with it being that way because I didn't want to talk about it, either. Up until I started going to counseling in April, I avoided anything baby/pregnancy, and that included family members. I was lucky - all of them got why I was being so distant, so they didn't hold it against me. Counseling helped me come to grips with reality and how to be happy again in the face of such heartbreak; I'm not sure I'd be where I am today if I hadn't given counseling another shot.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I just want to give you a big hug.

Heatherhah · June 2013

What you are feeling is completely normal. I hated pregnant people and seeing babies all over.

I had terrible crazy thoughts like for example it was Monday when I was released from the hospital and we went to the funeral home for my MIL and my Sister to meet Sydney since they were out of town on Friday when I had her. When everyone was leaving I stayed over and just held her since it was the last time I was going to ever see her before they cremated her I asked the funeral director if I could take her home and put her in my deep freezer and keep her forever. I was serious well mostly but I wanted to take her home and not let anyone take her. I look back now and it seems so crazy and the look he gave me made me see that but I just didn't care I wanted my baby no matter what. You want your biys and you don't want her to be happy since you aren't happy it is okay to feel this way it is normal.

So the way you are feeling is total normal. I couldn't look at pregnant family members and I couldn't handle commercials of babies or pregnant people. Death of a child makes life after so difficult. Hugs to you!! I am sorry you are going through this!!

Heather

Noethola · June 2013

It can be incredibly hard, knowing your babies are not here and how many other people will get to have their babies. I had four other close friends all due the same month as me and within six weeks after our loss all the babies were born healthy. Some of them, it didnt bother me at all, and then others it was more painful. It does get a bit easier, but there are still times when seeing a pregnant woman can be very hard. For me, it was harder to see a pregnant woman that a woman with a baby the age my baby would be.

I forced myself to distinguish between my tragedy and their blessing. I also want a healthy pregnancy someday, so I actually work pretty hard not to be upset at another mother who gets that. I sometimes would tell myself too, that could be her rainbow baby. One things this loss has taught me: How very often loss does occur.

What you are thinking and feeling are very normal. It may even come that some days a pregnant mother or baby commercial will not affect you at all, then the next day it drives you back into your house or into bed. The world of loss is a tricky one to manage. I am so thankful for other momas here who can tell me Im not bonkers.

fouadi · June 2013

Your ideas and thoughts just brightened my day:) Thanks

bunnybun4 · June 2013

My SIL had twins the month before I was due with Bunny. The remainder of her pregnancy was brutal after we lost her. Luckily she doesn't live in town and DH's family was pretty amazing and didn't bring it up a lot around me...

Things slowly got better...I was able to be around her with her huge belly at christmas and just had to leave the room a few times when someone would ask her about the twins. However the day they were born was absolutely terrible...prob. one of my lowest points. I felt like everyone's excitement was just a knife in my gut because they had forgotten Bunny and that she should coming too. There were a lot of tears and a lot of misdirected anger towards my SIL.

I have come to find that they only thing that has helped me is time...I have just had to slowly come around to them. I didn't meet them until about a month after they were born just because I wasn't ready...and thankfully my family completely understood. Now I can be around them just fine and the anger at my SIL is for the most part gone. It is just so incredibly hard but as time goes on it definitely gets easier...you've just got to go one step at a time.

As PP mentioned, I also kept reminding myself that I had to separate my tragedy from other people's blessings. You aren't really angry and jealous towards them...you are just so devastated and heartbroken at your own loss.

((HUGS))

BrittianyM · June 2013

Very sorry sweetie for the loss of you precious baby boys. I have had these feelings too. I always have to remind myself that they are not Brooke and I have no idea what their fate holds. They could lose them tomorrow or 20 years from now. I gave birth to a perfectly healthly happy little girl and she is now gone anyways. No idea why things like this happen to some and not to others. Hang in there. We are all here for you.

JonesBaby0624 · June 2013

Thank you all so much for your support. I feel like I am a complete mess and no one get's it. I guess it is just nice to know there are people out there that understand. No one has said anything about me going to the hospital and I'm going to try to avoid it at this point.

This is my 4th pregnancy loss but I'm just not dealing with this one as well. I think I am having a hard time because I know it was the last.

Thanks to everyone!!

cawettig · June 2013

I know how you feel. I am having the same hard time. My good friend who was pregnant with me is huge right now and it kills me. She is over almost everyday since she is my kids babysitter and I am so scarred how I am going to deal with the baby when she has it.
I do not know if it would be mean to not go to the hospital when she has the baby or if I can skip going. I am a glutton for punishment so I most likely will go and suffer.

schulme2 · June 2013

I'm so sorry for your loss and I am right there with you. My sister got pregnant with her 3rd just a month before me all three of hers have been unplanned and we have been trying for over a year. It has been so hard after we lost our sweet girl to see her belly growing. She's due in a few weeks and I'm terrified of how I'm going to feel. I feel bad not being there for her, but I just can't do it right now. It's hard enough to see her 3.5 and 2 year old who have both been perfectly healthy and happy. I can't imagine how I'll feel when she brings home her 3rd healthy baby in a few weeks.

Mjmksb04 · June 2013

Honestly, for about the first year, I straight up avoided being around friends or family who had babies. My family and friends all understood, I would drop them a quick e-mail congratulating them and explaining it was difficult for me and I never had any issues with people being upset. It is completely unfair that we have had to go through what we have and others have it so easy. Do whatever you need to do. Take time alone, talk to a grief counselor, go for a walk, just don't feel like you *have* to be moving forward at this time. You just lost your baby, it is perfectly okay to take time to grieve, be angry and feel sad. Big hugs.

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