running out of options.suggestions?

Pamelacake · June 2013

There may be a better place to put this but this is where I usually post.

I'm running out of ideas on what to do on BM's weekends and SD's are here. SD's don't normally get upset as much but I know it still hurts them. No one tells SD's when BM is supposed to be here but sometimes they ask.

At first we would have princess breakfasts, nail/spa parties where we would do facials, nails and hair, movies of their choice, we would read books, play games, board games, make crafts.. anything they wanted to do that we could do around the house.

I'm running out of ideas. The last time we made our 4th of July wreath to hang on the front door..

A lot of the things aren't as special to them now b/c we do them on a regular basis anyways. like nails and reading books, board games.

any ideas? I have been looking into it and have found a couple of recipes that I think they will like for a tie dye looking cake (they love to bake with me) and some sort of fruit thing (love pinterest)... I just want them to know that they are loved and they do need a little extra when BM fails. I'm not superwoman and I don't want them to feel unwanted.

Sometimes they are clueless to the fact that it is BM's weekend and we don't have any issue at all but sometimes they know and I like to be prepared for that.

TIA

CFjo2010 · June 2013

While I understand your desire to overcompensate for their crappy mother's crappiness, you gotta stop. I used to do the same thing with my kids when their douchecanoe father would let them down and it got to the point where they expected special treats whenever their feelings got hurt. And after awhile it started wearing on me and built up even more resentment towards their father. Plus, the extra fun "special" things stop being special, and they start associating them with disappointment.

I think you should treat missed visitation weekends the same way you treat any other weekend. The girls know they're loved, they don't need extras to know that. Regular activities like board games, reading books, going to the park, etc help maintain some normalcy for them

Pamelacake · June 2013

Thank you... I actually think I really needed to hear exactly that! I was thinking that they will start to expect extra special things and like you said be disappointed about that! I was thinking along those lines when I was typing this out.

I used to make excuses for BM and lie for her as well to SD's to spare their feelings. Not that I tell them she's at them bar now but they already know.

I really just want to make all of their pain go away. I'm not superwoman

Thank you so much.. I was feeling it but reading your response put it into real perspective for me!

ambrvan · June 2013

jobalchak:
While I understand your desire to overcompensate for their crappy mother's crappiness, you gotta stop.nbsp; I used to do the same thing with my kids when their douchecanoe father would let them down and it got to the point where they expected special treats whenever their feelings got hurt.nbsp; And after awhile it started wearing on me and built up even more resentment towards their father.nbsp; Plus, the extra fun "special" things stop being special, and they start associating them with disappointment.nbsp; I think you should treat missed visitation weekends the same way you treat any other weekend.nbsp; The girls know they're loved, they don't need extras to know that.nbsp; Regular activities like board games, reading books, going to the park, etc help maintain some normalcy for them

This exactly. I had my eyebrow cocked the whole time I was reading your OP. Doing what you've been doing all the time is not going to help them in any way. All you are doing is setting them up for failure when they get older. If life throws disappointments, they will not something to soften the blow and baby them if you are not around, such as in adulthood. It is your job to teach them how to handle disappointment in stride, not to expect a prize when something goes wrong.

Sorry if this sounded snarky, but it is what I feel will happen with your SDs if this continues.

Of course you can do fun things, but not because BM failed live up. When SDs arethe with you, be the stable and steady household that does not let outside factors dictate what happens within.

Littlejen22 · June 2013

Ditto the above. No matter what you do their Mom is still letting them down. And if they expect something now can you imagine the expectation when they get older? You would need a lifetime of bigger and better.

How often does BM get them? Can you just tell them when they ask that you do not know the next time she will pick them up because you truly do not know?

+just+j+ · June 2013

I agree. You're going to set yourself up with kids who think they are entitled and should receive special attention.

Best advice I got from my mom when I was worried about the effects of the divorce on DD and when XH was talking about moving to Texas. "Just act like this is all normal and just be a parent. Don't fuss over it. Don't bring attention to it. Just go about your life and raise your daughter."

Pamelacake · June 2013

Thank you all. I agree that the best way is to treat it like a normal weekend. We will bake and things like that and do the things we normally do.

I do see that I was setting them up for failure in the future.. I'm not going to be able to make it better when they get older and the world disappoints.. no matter what the situation may be.

I guess I just got so caught up in trying to make them feel better, It became a normal thing for me to do these things and I wasn't looking at the bigger picture, how it would be for them in the future.

Thank you all so much!

Pamelacake · June 2013

I wanted to address your post separately...BM is entitled to EVOWE. Never had them a full weekend and has only had SD's a handful of times since September.

SD's don't usually ask DH about it, they come to me and ask me if it's BM's weekend and I usually tell them no even when it is b/c she has cancelled. If the ask why it's not b/c she didn't have them the weekend before I try to cover but 6yo will say "she's a liar and just wanted to go to the bar again". When SD's ask on a weekday about it, I do tell them I don't know.. I'll have to look at the calendar, and just hope they forget about it.

I did have a calendar in their room showing when SD's would see BM but had to take that down after a very short time as BM would tell them she would be here and just not show up.

Pamelacake · June 2013

+just+j+:
I agree. You're going to set yourself up with kids who think they are entitled and should receive special attention.
Best advice I got from my mom when I was worried about the effects of the divorce on DD and when XH was talking about moving to Texas. "Just act like this is all normal and just be a parent. Don't fuss over it. Don't bring attention to it. Just go about your life and raise your daughter."

I think this is great advice. I'm not their bio mom but it's the same concept. They are already figuring out BM on their own, and at very young ages.. I am just going to start rolling with it.

I will also take all other advice from this post. I don't want SD's to grow up thinking that at all but definitely not b/c of something I started. Thank You

Lavender P · June 2013

I think all the suggestions PPs gave you are great. I just wanted to add one of my own. Growing up my mom always made pancakes for breakfast on a Saturday morning. We were an intact family but just that wonderful routine of getting a fun treat on a Saturday, has made it into a great memory. Maybe you can always plan on making something fun for breakfast every weekend with SD's. This way they will have a fun constant without having to go overboard. I do it with my SS, and he really looks forward to it, as silly as it sounds. Plus, you can talk to them about their week as you do it.

Littlejen22 · June 2013

Pamelacake:
I wanted to address your post separately...BM is entitled to EVOWE. Never had them a full weekend and has only had SD's a handful of times since September. SD's don't usually ask DH about it, they come to me and ask me if it's BM's weekend and I usually tell them no even when it is b/c she has cancelled. If the ask why it's not b/c she didn't have them the weekend before I try to cover but 6yo will say "she's a liar and just wanted to go to the bar again". When SD's ask on a weekday about it, I do tell them I don't know.. I'll have to look at the calendar, and just hope they forget about it. nbsp;I did have a calendar in their room showing when SD's would see BM but had to take that down after a very short time as BM would tell them she would be here and just not show up.

Ugh it sucks because you don't want to be considered the liar either. Maybe try to think of a way to word it that the old schedule is not the same anymore and that You are not sure when BM will get them next but will let them know when you know. My brain is fried and I cannot think of a good way to word for that a 6yo but I cannot imagine how hard that is because my son is six and he would freak and has an amazing memory.

And I love Lavenders suggestion,aube you guys can bake every Saturday?

Alohalove · June 2013

jobalchak:
While I understand your desire to overcompensate for their crappy mother's crappiness, you gotta stop. I used to do the same thing with my kids when their douchecanoe father would let them down and it got to the point where they expected special treats whenever their feelings got hurt. And after awhile it started wearing on me and built up even more resentment towards their father. Plus, the extra fun "special" things stop being special, and they start associating them with disappointment.
I think you should treat missed visitation weekends the same way you treat any other weekend. The girls know they're loved, they don't need extras to know that. Regular activities like board games, reading books, going to the park, etc help maintain some normalcy for them

Exactly this.

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