I wish the laws were clearer (latchkey kids)

I wish my state had an actual age for latchkey laws. When we originally approached BM with the idea of keeping SD in June and getting the boys every weekend plus some other weekends, DH asked her who would be watching the kids this summer since at the same time BM told us she got a M-Fri daytime job. We didn't want the boys this month during the week because DH and I cannot take off work this month and we can't trust that they would behave well enough for DD or SD to watch them. She said SF was going to be home with the kids if he wasn't working (he is gone for sometimes a month or two at a time out on the road) but is currently home at the moment and then she said her mom (who works nights) if necessary. She was fine with the idea of the boys staying there during the week and knew the reason we wanted them more weekends than weekdays. This month is the first time we've even left SD alone (with DD) for more than 30 mins.

Well we picked up the boys on Friday and the first thing out of their mouths when we drove off were that they had been home alone most of the day. DH asked if they've been home alone all week. They said not but they had been 3 days. So DH starts asking questions like what do they do during the day. Play video games. It comes out that one of them didn't eat breakfast or lunch that day because they were too busy playing games. They mention they've missed at least a meal each day they were home alone. They said SF is working part time at the stables doing maintenance while he's not on the road (for his normal job). Oldest SS is 10 and has severe ADHD as in he is on a pretty high dosage of meds which was just increased in the past few months. Youngest SS turned 9 over the weekend and has an dr. appointment because the school believes he also has ADHD and dyslexia after their testing so he needs to get in for. Oldest SS has other issues with hitting and severe tantrums. I bring up the games and ADHD because these boys probably wouldn't notice a fire if they were playing games, much less anything else. I actually had to tell older SS this weekend to go the bathroom while has playing Xbox because he kept grabbing himself trying to hold it in and didn't want to stop playing (this is the one that also has kidney issues). DH had a conversation not 6 months ago with BM about leaving the boys with SD who was 11 at the time while she ran errands (she wasn't working at that time). So it's obvious she doesn't care what he thinks.

So DH and I discuss all weekend what to do. We come to the conclusion that she is going to leave them at home no matter what we think. So the plan was to offer to take them while we have SD (through next weekend since BM is taking them on vacation a week from today) so that at least they are under supervision of DD and SD. We look into classes and find a Safe Sitter class offered on the 29th at the hospital and decide we can enroll both girls into that so that come July, when SD and the boys are back with BM during the week and she is back at work that we would feel more comfortable with SD being left in charge of them since she would have some training for emergencies, ect.

So he calls BM yesterday and in completely non-accusatory manner to discuss. She of course becomes irate with him (I can hear her even though she's not on speaker). Saying that it was only for a couple of hours while SF went to their stables and feed the horse (30 min commute to and from their house) because the boys didn't want to go with him. DH said, they shouldn't get a choice. He discussed the reasons (namely oldest SS's behaviors) and he mentioned that she is basically having a 10 yo with issues babysit a 9 yo and she said no actually, younger SS is supposed to be keeping an eye on the older one. He told her that was just messed up and she should see that is a problem. She said the boys lied about the amount of time they were gone and he said, if that is true than wouldn't that also be a clue that they are not trustworthy of staying home alone because they could be lying about what they are doing during the day. I personally don't think the boys would lie about the time they are alone because they offered up first thing in the car like they knew they shouldn't be doing that. He offered her what we discussed and she told him no. That we already have SD and she misses her and she's not giving us the boys right now too.  DH (always trying to play damage control) reassures her that he doesn't think she's a bad mom but he doesn't like that they are leaving the boys alone and he understands her funds are tight right now because of the conversation they had over the insurance money. That he is trying to help her out because we'd feel slightly more comfortable with the girls with them even though we aren't really comfortable with that either. She says sorry, but she doesn't agree to them staying because it wasn't what they agreed to but that she won't leave them alone anymore and that she is WAY more paranoid about them then we are and we should trust that since she's not worried that they would be fine. She says they are putting in an alarm system that will notify her or SF if the doors even open....DH reiterates that he doesn't want them left alone without SD there and that SD will be taking the class. She starts saying oh, how great that will be so SD can earn some extra money babysitting sometimes. ::facepalm::::

So moral of the story is, my SSs are probably at home this week without supervision off and on because she didn't want us to have them right now since we already have SD (um, normally under normal circumstances we have them all 3 at one time for a month straight but this year we had to work things differently and are taking them more on weekends because we thought they'd be under an adult supervision that way......and SD and DD will be taking babysitting classes more because SD actually needs it and DD is going so they can do it together.

I told DH that if roles were reversed and it were DD in the situation SSs are in, I would have told BD to shove it and he wasn't getting her back to sit at home unsupervised and to take me to court over it or call the cops (he wouldn't though and I doubt BM would either).  DH feels there isn't much he can do since our state law doesn't have a minimum age and he felt he said his peace and he hopes she follows through. It just sucks. I just know what I would do if it were my DD at that age. DD was never left alone until she was 12 because there is no childcare for kids over 12 in my . I still don't like her home alone but she follows rules to a "T" and so I trust her to follow the rules about being home alone. The boys....not so much.