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Blended Families
2chatter
member
Time
2chatter
member
Skids (18 and 14) have "had other plans" for most of this calendar year. We or DH have seen them at major events (like concerts, performances, graduations) and lunches/dinners (on their scheduling terms). We saw them last week, and confirmed that they would be spending Saturday with DH for Father's Day. (SS worked Sunday; neither was OK giving up both their Friday and Saturday). They both cancelled.
SS has cancelled or declined plans 7 times total to celebrate his birthday (in March). SD has cancelled when DH has been en route to pick her up. She's not home, won't say where she is. May I note that we have NO control over that and it is fully supported, suggested and sanctioned by BM.
We have a large graduation party planned for SS. I am not sure he will even attend (though he has been involved in the planning, has asked many times about this - he skipped his own birthday party with us and wanted DH to deposit money for him). DH asked me what I think of having SS spend part of December with us (SS is not going away to college, but is moving away with friends). My honest response to that was, if he cannot spend time with you outside of gift receiving holidays, I am not overly interested in the usual spending and gifting that goes on, but he is welcome to visit whenever he wants to do so - as long as it's not to pick up gifts.
So, what say you?
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Re: Time
I agree with your position on December. You can not just show up to collect presents, you have to make time for your family all year round or you are not getting anything from me.
Also I would not throw a party for someone who I was not sure would attend.
I agree with this. If he can't be bothered to celebrate his birthday with his dad's family after 7 attempts, I wouldn't expect him to come to the graduation party. I would assume he wants you to throw one so he can ask you to deposit any money he gets or drop off presents. As for December, I would tell DH that SS is always welcome. However, I would want it to be clarified that you guys shouldn't be treated as if you are the tooth fairy that gives him money and disappears until he needs it again.
^^ This. I'm sorry, but no. If we aren't good enough to spend time with throughout the year than we aren't going to spend our hard earned money or waste energy planning a party for you, you ungrateful butthead.
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I honestly do not know why he has not tried harder with the 14 year old. I think part of it is avoiding the drama (BM will literally run out of the house screaming when he shows up; SD has a few times not been there for pick up and refuses to answer her phone; SD spends literally the entire time here texting or on the phone with BM or crying - actual tears - that she is not home with BM and her friends). It has been like this for the last four years and I don't really see it changing; he tried very hard until Christmas, at which point SD literally said "I wish I could get presents but not have to spend a week here". I think that broke a little something inside of him. Follow that with BM not picking up the children on Christmas Eve per the court order (quite the debacle - we left them with ILs at 10 PM and BM was due per CO at 11 PM; BM confirmed verbally and in writing she would be there. BM did not pick up and sent all involved including skids texts and emails saying that DH was a horrible person and hope she ruined everyone's Christmas). I think with SD being adamant about not coming he gave up.
A large part of SD not wanting to come is she wants her own room in our house and she is embarassed of our home. BM lives in a country club neighborhood, we do not. We live in a 3 BR house and have 3 children who live here full time. DS is our room, DD5 has a room and DD9 and SD14 share a room. Initially we had DD9 sleep in DD5's room when SD was here, but SD wanted the room to be hers and hers alone, full time. She has her own room at BM's and has never had her own room with DH (she and SS shared). She also wants to run the show - here's an example. At BM's BM asked her what she wanted to do for her 11th birthday. She said she wanted to go out to dinner and that the only way she would go is if SS was not invited (her brother, mind you) and they did not pick up anything to take him to go either. BM permitted this and left SS home alone.
I think DH has sort of given up. While I don't entirely understand this, as it's been years and years of this behavior, so why react this way now (I think it's because SS is an adult, so he won't compel SS)....I do on some level comprehend his not pushing harder. I just don't know what to tell him. He travels M-TH each week unless there are special things happening (like a choir concert for SD). I feel like he has just run out of bandwidth to have awful awful awful weekends every other weekend.
18 and 14 - they are old enough to know right from wrong. I would keep the lines of communication open, but I would stop with the presents and the money. Ungrateful brats!!!
One day, when they are older and have children of their own they may appreciate their father. At that time, the open lines of communication will allow them to call and beg your DH for forgiveness for being such little sh!ts when they were younger.
I really want to write them off as ungrateful brats, but the reality is, this is the way they were raised. BM is not right in the head (DX), unmedicated and has told them terrible things about DH since they were born (even while they were married). These things include telling SS he was an accident and an unwanted burden (no, BM intentionally went off BC to trap DH because he tried to break up with her), telling SD she is only pretty if she is blonde and that DH Is not blonde so that is why she is not pretty (her hair has been dyed blonde since K; BM is not blonde) and that DH does not love them (since long before they seperated or divorced, but you can imagine how that ramped up when he introduced me after we had been dating 9 months, or after we decided to have DS). The skids are a product of a very very dysfunctional family. DH needs to share in some of that blame - but that doesn't really help matters. They were raised to believe that things were important (BM counted Christmas presents from DH's family, then compared the count to cousins' counts then told skids that no one loved them as much as everyone else). DH could only do so much countering of this. It is constant. Skids openly talk about how BM is constantly on them. I don't think they COULD be different.
My goal was to show them another side of life - and maybe, at 25, it would resonate. Like when they say my engagement ring and both asked "how much was that" before any other comment. We handled those things appopriately not for the now, but for the hope that someday it would pay off. That was until my husband cried on Father's Day. Now I am left with "at what expense"? (no pun intended)