Opinions, please
CheezeFace
member
Synopsis:
My SAHM friend is out of town. Her 17yo daughter has graduated but doesn't have a summer job yet. This leaves her sitting alone all day. Try to remember what you would have done at 17 w/o any parents. Exactly. So I mention that I would LOVE to have a second set of hands to help me out for a few days.
She drives into work with her Dad (about an hour) and gets to my house at 5am. We obviously are not up. So she sleeps on the sofa until the family is up and about...Today we got started around 8;30-9:00a.
She's a good kid and I have a really, really close relationship with her but she is sort of a dud as a babysitter. For example, I left her alone with DS and went upstairs to change clothes. So, in total, about 5 minutes. I came downstairs to find that DS had busted the baby gate (literally...it was in three pieces on the floor) and he was in the bathroom sucking on dangerous chemicals (see my previous confessions post about the Clorox cleaner). She was sitting, literally, 5 feet away totally engrossed in texting. NOT JOKING. She was properly scared and ashamed that she hadn't noticed and apologized a million times. I wasn't upset that he got into something...he's done it to me countless times but OMG how could she not notice while she was sitting RIGHT THERE...I spoke with her about it and she was much, much, much better today. However, I don't feel confident leaving her alone with him for babysitting. I leave if he's down for a nap but if he's awake, I have to be there.
So, looooooooong story to ask a simple question: When do I start paying and how much? Should I pay her from when she arrives at 5am? Or should I pay from 8am?
I feel like the auntie in me wants to be super generous and build up her confidence - something she is really lacking - but the other side of me is like, "hey, kid, welcome to the world...here's your minimum wage. Oh, and you don't get paid for sleeping."
Oh, and she also asked me to help her go to Planned Parenthood to get BCP. So, yeah, there's that.
Opinions, please.
~TTC since 01/09~
~SA & B/W - 06/09 - Normal~
~Encouraged by OB to "just keep trying" 06/09 - 06/10 (oh, the wasted time)~
~HSG - 08/10 - Clear/Normal~
~Lapo - 01/11 - Normal~
~Clomid 50mg, Trigger shot, Prometrium - 01/11, 02/11, 03/11~
~BFN - 02/11~
~IUI #1 03/15/11~
BFP 3/28/2011
Diagnosed with GD at 28 weeks. Controlled through diet and exercise. No insulin.
Diagnosed with Cholestasis of pregnancy @ 36 weeks.
Delivered via C-section @ 36 weeks on 11/9/11.
Re: Opinions, please
I'm confused as to what you are paying her for in the first place. If you are always there when LO is awake, then what is she doing to earn the pay? DD1 was 17 when DD2 was born and I have never paid her for being there when I'm there. That's not babysitting. Is she doing other things to help you around the house? Just from what you said, I would only pay her for the time that you're not there because she's clearly not taking the responsibility of watching your LO while you are there.
As for the planned parenthood thing, I don't know what her relationship is like with her mother, but as a mother of a teenage girl, I would have been TICKED if someone else had taken my daughter to get birth control. But I have a really close relationship with DD1 so we actually talked about it together and then went to her regular doctor to get it.
This.
The original plan was to have her here as an extra set of hands. I could come and go, get some yard work done, go to the gym, etc...just things I can't do with an 18mo around.
I, obviously, can't leave her alone with him but if I'm here she really is a huge helper. Yesterday she helped watch the baby while we both raked the yard. She prepared breakfast for us while I got a bit of work done on the computer and baby played in the kitchen, etc...She is contributing even though I'm here. It's not quite babysitting it's more like baby helping.
I agree, if she were a sibling, I wouldn't pay her for this kind of work - that's just part of being a family - but she's here .... contributing.
And the BCP thing. Ugh. I have no idea what to do. She's pretty tight with her Mom and I really don't believe her Mom would freak out at all but she felt more comfortable asking and talking to me about it. Aurora, why would you be upset? Would you be upset at your daughter? Or the other person? Would you really be mad or would you feel more hurt that your daughter went to another person and not you?
I feel like it's a good thing that she came to me. It's important that she has adults around her that she can lean on and trust. However, I feel like doing this behind her Mom's back is crossing a major line as her Mom's friend. It feels sneaky.
Then again, it's important that she has BCPs if she decides she needs them. I would have loved to have a person to talk to at that age. Parent or not.
I'm so confused.
~TTC since 01/09~
~SA & B/W - 06/09 - Normal~
~Encouraged by OB to "just keep trying" 06/09 - 06/10 (oh, the wasted time)~
~HSG - 08/10 - Clear/Normal~
~Lapo - 01/11 - Normal~
~Clomid 50mg, Trigger shot, Prometrium - 01/11, 02/11, 03/11~
~BFN - 02/11~
~IUI #1 03/15/11~
BFP 3/28/2011
Diagnosed with GD at 28 weeks. Controlled through diet and exercise. No insulin.
Diagnosed with Cholestasis of pregnancy @ 36 weeks.
Delivered via C-section @ 36 weeks on 11/9/11.
My Blog
I would just agree on paying her a set amount weekly. Hourly is too expensive and it sounds like you are really doing her a favor.
Also, if you look at it as your job to mentor her in how to babysit, you are providing her real job skills. I have teenagers too and I didn't realize how much I had to walk them through every little thing, but honestly they learn and they appreciate the skills. Same thing if you asked her to come clean your house, she probably wouldn't do a good job the first time b/c there are special skills and techniques involved.
I would probably take her to get the BCPs b/c I'm a big advocate on that end but you could say you'll do it (or not if you don't want to) but could she talk to you about why she doesn't tell her mom and would she be more comfortable if you had that talk with her mom.
On the PP part - she's not 18, that's her part to figure out! This is one of those areas that is a parent's job until the birthday...
As for how much to pay, I'd say that depends on the amount of help she's giving you! Minimum wage - nu uh.. She wants Minimum wage, she can go work at McD's, right now, she's working for her aunt, and you pay her what IYO she's actually worth, even if that's only $20/week (not necessarily doing minimum wage!), but if she's getting off the couch and turning the phone off, doing actual work and more, by all means, pay her minimum wage... A few things about how you have things set up. First, close your bathroom door and put a lock on any cabinets that have chemicals (in our kitchen we have heavy rubber bands that are getting the job done just fine at this point) when she's watching the kids alone and give her a little trial by fire to watch them without you necessarily being there (i.e. go to the gym).. Set some expectations!
I think the job she is doing for you is called Mother's Helper. But, I think folks have covered that pretty well with good advice.
But, as a mom of a 17 year old daughter, I thought I'd chime in on the BCP question. I agree with PP that I would talk to the girl about whether she'd like me to join her in speaking with her mom about the idea. I have a best friend and my daughter has gone and spent a week here and there with her family. So, I can totally see my best friend and daughter having this conversation. Usually when my dd and bff have a deep conversation about something that could upset me, my bff calls me after the fact and lets me know what they discussed. But, I am also careful to make sure my bff knows how I feel about stuff so she is able to mirror my thoughts on some things.
If the girl doesn't think talking to mom is a good way to go, I think I would ask her flat out if she still has her v-card. If she does, I'd tell her I'll take her when she's 18 if she holds on to her v-card. If she doesn't, I'd give her a speech about her reproductive health, insist on a pap smear at the place (let her know what to expect and offer to hold her hand or not), and take her asap. As a mom, I'd rather my sexually active daughter be on the pill without my knowledge than that she be sexually active without being on the pill without my knowledge.
I guess I should temper the whole thing by saying that I got pregnant at 19 with my 17 year old daughter, so in the grand scheme of things I am a young mom to have a daughter who is graduating next month. Also, one day when my daughter was 15, her period started and it didn't stop for weeks until we got her on the pill, so she's been taking it for a couple years. It was before she lost her v-card that she started taking the pills, and my bff found out she lost her v-card before I did. BUT, my daughter did tell me herself when she lost it just a day or two after she told my bff. So, I really have been there...