Sharing and other people's kids

LibberDuck · June 2013

This past week and weekend, John and I spent a lot of time with some friends of ours who just had a new baby and were preparing to move (they just left yesterday). They also have a two year old, though his birthday is in August so he's almost 3. He and J have always played very well together until these past few weeks. I'm sure it's because of all the changes he is going through, but the other little boy didn't want to share anything and kept doing things to purposely upset J. Some examples: J would pick up something to play with (even something that wasn't a toy, like a hose nozzle) and the other boy would grab it out of his hand. As soon as J walked away to do something else, the little boy would drop it and go after the next thing J chose. Also, J has a blankie that is precious to him. The other boy kept touching it and pulling on it to the point where J was getting upset (his blankie is the one thing we never make him share). And finally, we drove somewhere and boys car seats were right next to each other. The other little boy kept touching J on his leg, face, and arm, driving him slightly crazy and making him call for me. I guess my problem is that I never know how to deal with these situations. Sometimes his mom was there, but often she was busy with the new baby and not in a good place to discipline. I don't want to get after her kid when she's right there, but I also don't want my son to feel like I'm always making him give up the things he wants to play with, especially when the other child is only interested because J is. I also don't want to come across as one of those moms whose child can do no wrong. How do you guys deal with stuff like this? I should add that usually this mom is on top of her son, it's just a lot going on with them right now. I just always have a hard time knowing when and how to step in when other people's kids are involved.

Cheekers2010 · June 2013

I may be in the minority here but in situations like that I'd expect to referee the boys and say something to the other child if necessary. While I would never presume to discipline another child I have no problem saying "hey Timmy, J was playing with that. Please give it back.". In my group of mom friends I'd expect to have them do that for G if I wasn't able to devote my full attention, too.

EMOmamma · June 2013

My nephew is 4 and we have the same situation a lot. Luckily SIL & I parent similarly so we have no problem talking to each other's kids but the stealing thing really bugs me. I usually say something like "Nephew, J was playing with that please give it back and wait your turn. We need to all take turns"

Sometimes I let nephew take it but ask him to go get a different toy for J - it forces him to make a decision w/out me being the bad guy. I'll say something like this "J, it's nephew's turn with x toy. Nephew, can you go get y toy for J to play with since you're playing with x?"

Obv this doesn't always work out, sometimes they still fight but this lets SIL know what's going on so she can intervene if necessary too.

utlawgirl · June 2013

Cheekers2010:
I may be in the minority here but in situations like that I'd expect to referee the boys and say something to the other child if necessary. While I would never presume to discipline another child I have no problem saying "hey Timmy, J was playing with that. Please give it back.". In my group of mom friends I'd expect to have them do that for G if I wasn't able to devote my full attention, too.

Completely agree. I tend to hang back at first and see if they can work it out, but with a pattern of behavior like that, I'd be stepping in, too.

LibberDuck · June 2013

utlawgirl:
Cheekers2010:
I may be in the minority here but in situations like that I'd expect to referee the boys and say something to the other child if necessary. While I would never presume to discipline another child I have no problem saying "hey Timmy, J was playing with that. Please give it back.". In my group of mom friends I'd expect to have them do that for G if I wasn't able to devote my full attention, too.
Completely agree. I tend to hang back at first and see if they can work it out, but with a pattern of behavior like that, I'd be stepping in, too.

I actually did ask the child to share a few times, but wasn't really sure what to do when he shook his head and told me no. If that were J, an attitude like that would have been an immediate timeout, but I really felt that doing anything more than asking nicely wasn't my place. John's pretty laid back, so it was just easier to ask him to go find something else to do. Unfortunately, the other boy followed and proceeded to take the next fun thing away from him, so it was a vicious cycle.

pitterpatter129 · June 2013

I would probably let it go until my child started complaining. Then if the other parent didn't say something, I would step in.

utlawgirl · June 2013

LibberDuck:
utlawgirl:
Cheekers2010:
I may be in the minority here but in situations like that I'd expect to referee the boys and say something to the other child if necessary. While I would never presume to discipline another child I have no problem saying "hey Timmy, J was playing with that. Please give it back.". In my group of mom friends I'd expect to have them do that for G if I wasn't able to devote my full attention, too.
Completely agree. I tend to hang back at first and see if they can work it out, but with a pattern of behavior like that, I'd be stepping in, too.
I actually did ask the child to share a few times, but wasn't really sure what to do when he shook his head and told me no. If that were J, an attitude like that would have been an immediate timeout, but I really felt that doing anything more than asking nicely wasn't my place. John's pretty laid back, so it was just easier to ask him to go find something else to do. Unfortunately, the other boy followed and proceeded to take the next fun thing away from him, so it was a vicious cycle.

Ooh, that's hard. I wouldn't presume to discipline someone else's child, but I think I'd say something like, "That's not very nice. What would your mommy think?" But, yeah, not much else you can do.

lrn327 · June 2013

That's pretty tough. I'd let it go as much as possible, but will usually do things like loudly ask C if other child can play with the toy for a minute if it gets taken away. C's pretty easy going too so this is usually what happens. I might get a little upset myself though about the blankie!

bosha711 · June 2013

Tough situation!

With the the taking of the toys, I tend to resort to just reiterating they need to share & take turns. If/when that doesn't work & I find myself about to lose my cool with the other kid, then I usually grab a toy myself & say, "come here, DS, come play with Mommy". That way DS can get a break from the kid & I have the ability to act as a barrier b/w DS & the other kid.

I would be less lenient with the matters of physical touching & the pulling on the blankie. After a general warning of, "No touching, please!", I would have no problems telling the other child directly to not touch DS & to not touch his blankie. If the behavior continued, then I would have said something to the parent like, "I know you have your hands full with the baby right now, but would you mind asking your son not to touch J's face? He's really getting upset."

enjoylife · June 2013

I would probably have a similar approach as bosha. particularly knowing that the little boy is having a huge upheaval with a new sibling. Another tactic I would do would be to grab two of the same toy (like 2 cars) and try and play with them for a few minutes in order to break the cycle of the other boy constantly trying to dominate and take from your guy. sorry he had a rough playdate. the other thing I don't hesitate is to end playdates early. If DS isn't playing well with others or others aren't playing well with him and I'm having to intervene all the time then I'll call it short and we go home or do other errands etc.

Want a personalized experience?

Sharing and other people's kids

Re: Sharing and other people's kids

Choose Another Board

Search Boards