So embarrassed- denied treatment

mrsbnlmel · June 2013

I posted a few weeks ago that my RE (and Jennbean79's as well) past away very suddenly. I was supposed to start my first injectable IUI with Follistim the day after he died. They put me on bcp to buy a couple of weeks and restart my CD1. I was fine with the break. My husband and I even discussed taking a few months off. We're over a year into treatment now and it's just so stressful. I had planned to call the RE's office next week and plan an appointment in August.

Then Thursday, at work, I got a call from my Dr's RN. She ask if we could talk privately. I found a place in the hall that was "semi" private. Then she basically explained to me, in very, very kind words, that the new RE overseeing the practice until they can rehire, refuses to see me as a patient. She said that I need to lose 50lbs before I return for treatment. They would be suspending all of my current scripts and I should contact my OB or PCP about a nutrition program. The new Dr has weight limits and BMI limits for her patients. The nurse was very kind and gentle. I could tell she disagreed, but they can't practice without an RE. They have to follow her protocol. I held it together at work, somehow. I didn't cry until I got to my car. Telling my husband was the worst. He's so sweet and loves me no matter my size, but so humiliating,

I was so taken aback. I obviously know I have a weight issue. I'll just put it out there for everyone. I wear a size 16 or 18 and I'm only 5'3. I know that's big. I see myself everyday. I don't need reminders. But I've also been told by my own OB, my prior RE and his NP that many, many women with PCOS share my struggle. Most of them with weight issues need IF treatments. They all said weight loss is good for everyone who has extra to lose. They all said do your best to be healthy. Which I do! But they also said that I could lose all the weight in the world and I'll still have low AMH. They said that the 9 months to a year I would need to safely lose that weight would be wasted time as far as my declining ovarian reserves. I even had a consult with my OB to ask that specific question before moving to an RE. I ask should I keep going forward or take a break for a 9 months to lose weight first. She sent me to the RE. I'm not old, but I am 33 with low AMH. My son is 3.5 and getting older everyday. She agreed I shouldn't waste time. My RE never said word one about my weight. We went forward with treatment like any other PCOS patient.

I'm just in shock, sad, and humiliated. Not only am I infertile, but now it's like she said it's all my fault. If I had just stopped shoving my fat face full of food, I'd have my baby by now. The thing is that I come from an extended family with some very overweight women. No one has ever had fertility issues. Not one has had complications of pregnancy. They've had healthier pregnancies than many of my skinny friends! I'm just the lucky one who is fat and can't do it on my own! I understand getting as healthy as you can before having a baby. I respect that the new RE is looking out for me. Obviously, I will do anything I need to do, but this isn't something I can do quickly. My self esteem was already low and now this, I can't get pregnant, can't stay pregnant or have a normal birth. I struggled with PPD which felt like another failure. And now the one person who I thought could actually help me has basically said "don't call me, call weight watchers."

I just don't know what to say to our family or my friends. I guess make it sound like we chose this break? IDK. I honestly don't know if I can get back on the rollercoaster. I'm just broken and humiliated.

74dragonfly · June 2013

I'm lurking so I hope it is ok to post. I would look for another doctor. I think you should find someone who is willing to work with you. I gained about 20 pounds from fertility meds. I was about 35 pounds over weight. I'm also 5'3. My Dr never made me feel bad or mentioned my weight.
I did end up losing 15 pounds through weight watchers. A few other ladies here also were doing weight watchers.

CeCe8579 · June 2013

I would get a second opinion. With my DD, the only viable pregnancy I've had, I weighed the most I ever have. I was 200 lbs and 5'0. I've lost 45 lbs after but that hasn't made my IF go away. My weight has never been and issue because it has no bearing on why I'm infertile. Hugs! I am so sorry.

TripMomma · June 2013

Wow. I am so sorry. I would also try a different RE. I agree that weight can play a role and it would be good to start working on that, but with your AMH issues it seems really counterproductive to tell you to take a break to work on one issue while the other could be declining and make things impossible. HUGS.

slstine19 · June 2013

I am so sorry. Like others, I would look for a different RE. The first RE I was referred to said it was my weight and they could get us pregnant within 6 months. We were referred way early considering they usually make people wait a year. Our OB did not. My DH and I just didn't like the way he said it or treated me. We ended up going to a different RE a few years later and I know I weighed more. They did not say a word about my weight. Three years later, I again weigh more than I used to. I went back to my 2nd RE and they have said nothing about my weight. I know I need to lose it, but I when someone is already having weight issues you don't need to turn them away and make them feel worse.

Look at this way, you have to like the dr you are working with and trust them. I would say you are taking and break and looking for a new doc since the other passed away. Keep working on being healthier and do what you can.

AprilDrew04 · June 2013

First a big virtual HUG! Some doctors can be pretty inconsiderate of those of us with weight issues. Second, you have already gotten some wonderful advice, so I'm just going to reiterate some of it.

My RE asked me about my weight when I first conceived, and since I was pretty much the same weight (bigger than I should be) she didn't say any more. Obviously, we know that we need to try to loose weight and be healthier. Like was said, you need a doctor you feel cares about you and that you can trust - go find one. I hope this office was not your only choice. Maybe even go back to your OB and see if she can recommend someone else.

I wish you the best and hope you find a doctor that will work with your real issue and not make you feel even worse about an already difficult situation.

gmc222 · June 2013

I am also struggling with weight issues (5'0" and a size 12/14) and my RE has never brought this up or even weighed me...and unlike you I have unexplained IF! I gained about 20 lbs TTC #1, and then only lost half the baby weight....so now I'm up about 35 lbs. I have multiple issues/medications that cause me to gain weight, including hypothyroidism. I know how defeating weight struggles can be, and to combine that with SIF its so hard to deal with. Please know that you are not alone and shouldn't feel as if this is your fault. I know its easier said than done!

As others have said, perhaps try to find another RE who isn't so black and white when it comes to weight and treatment. Good luck!!!

futuremr&mrsdoers · June 2013

I just wanted to let you know sending you big hugs! I'm in similar situation. My original RE said I needed to lose 50-60lbs. I have PCOS and low AMH and am now working with new RE who understands my weight and my secondary IF. My DS is 12. (I'm 32)

Find a new RE. Hopefully, there is another one who is more willing to help you.

mrsbnlmel · June 2013

I just wanted to say thank you to each and every one of you who took the time to read my post. I honestly had no idea it was a novel until I went back and reread! LOL I was just so upset at the time. Your support means so very much to me. It's so nice to not feel alone. Thank you for sharing you experiences and I will be taking your advice.

The good news is we have two other options for RE's in our area. I'm not familiar with either. I don't know if they will treat me. I think that since my previous RE had no issues with me, I should be hopeful. Though I'm honestly nervous and still a bit embarrassed. I have an appointment to speak with my OB next week. I trust her opinion. She knows the other RE options. She also knows my medical history and obstetric history. I trust she'll set us on the right path. She sent us to our original RE who we really loved.

Again thanks so very much

slstine19 · June 2013

Look forward to hearing how your appointment with the OB goes.

MJC1116 · June 2013

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry that you had to go through that and were made to feel even worse. As if going through IF isn't bad enough. I would definitely seek another doctor, one who is more empathetic and helpful!! Best of luck!

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