Motherhood

kristine618 · June 2013

Is it just me, or is motherhood SO MUCH harder than you thought it would be. Maybe I'm just a wimp, but I really feel like I'm really losing it. Everything in my life feels so chaotic and out of control. I know, I'm supposed to just embrace that, and let go of the need to feel on top of everything, and enjoy the moments with LO (which I do). But I'm still having a tough time, which never seems to get easier. I'm so exhausted constantly and I can't get anything done. I wish I could just go with it and be happier and lower my expectations. I guess I probably need an attitude adjustment.

schumakr · June 2013

My H came home from work just now and asked me if I was able to nap today. I said no, and then he asked if DD napped today. I then said I have been busy taking care of the house work all day, when would I have time for a nap? I asked him to switch the laundry and he did, but he took out the clean dry clothes and said he'll help me put it away....how about you do me a favor and put it away by yourself and let me take a break.

I work a normal work week; 9-6 or so M-F. My H is in the restaurant biz and has to work a night and every other weekend. He normally gets 2 days off during the week, so he gets a break from the baby. I never get a break from the baby. I keep telling him I never get to clock out from being a mommy and its why I get frustrated. My days off I am usually up at 6 feeding her. He gets to sleep in on his days off. I want some me time where I am not at work, and not taking care of our baby.

I get where you're coming from though. This mom thing is tough, especially when the baby isn't sleeping well at night. I keep saying she wasted her good sleep habits during my maternity leave. Although I will admit that I never ask for help when I need it. I keep thinking I am supermom, which I am not. I usually ask for help too late, when I am super frustrated or crying and I'm trying to break that habit for my own mental sanity.

I didn't really have anything of substance to contribute other than to commiserate right along with you. Keep your head up.

minervacullen · June 2013

Back in the day I used to be soooo particular about everything. Like everything had a spot and if I was moved a fraction of an inch I'd be annoyed. I'm still of that mind, so if I don't have time or energy to do things right, I just don't. That means my house is a mess 360 days a year.
My time is better spent elsewhere now.

LittleFish1 · June 2013

Yes and no. Totally get the can't keep up with everything ... fortunately here DH does a ton around the house.

What kinds of things are you feeling behind on? Am a fan of short cuts ... premade meals from Trader Joes are my friend. My standards for what constitutes "clean" have shifted a bit.

Edit after reread: When you mention that you feel as if you are losing it, do you mean that you are spread too thin, where having some help for a few hours each week to get a bit of a break would be good? or could there be something else like PPD going on where talking to your doc could be helpful? Or would it be helpful to join a local play group so you two can get out of the house?

Notwifezilla7 · June 2013

I find that the first year is really, truly about getting into a new normal. Having a child, and the responsibilities that go with it can be overwhelming, especially if you don't have a good support system.

I had some issues w/postpartum blues with DD1 and I truly believe had I talked to people/ made other mommy friends IRL earlier, it would have helped.

This time around, it's still chaotic and overwhelming at times, but I have a great network of friends who are going through the same things (or virtually the same things) and it helps so much. Even if I don't get a break or a night off, knowing that I can commiserate, b!tch, moan and groan and not be judged is 100% helpful.

TheEditor · June 2013

kristine618:
Is it just me, or is motherhood SO MUCH harder than you thought it would be. Maybe I'm just a wimp, but I really feel like I'm really losing it. Everything in my life feels so chaotic and out of control. I know, I'm supposed to just embrace that, and let go of the need to feel on top of everything, and enjoy the moments with LO (which I do). But I'm still having a tough time, which never seems to get easier. I'm so exhausted constantly and I can't get anything done. I wish I could just go with it and be happier and lower my expectations. I guess I probably need an attitude adjustment.

I really feel with you, OP. I could have written this very paragraph not too long ago. My DH is out of town for 10 days and it's only since I've been taking care of absolutely everything on my own that I've finally been able to let go of some of the control issues: dishes sat out on the counter for 2 days, laundry was washed, but not folded and put away. Toys are on the floor. Bathroom hasn't been cleaned. Vacuuming? I'm pretty sure I couldn't even tell you where that appliance is. And you know what? I feel a hellck of a lot better.

For me, I could never "embrace the chaos." I hate that the house isn't to my standards right now, but I'm a mom now. A regular mom. If I'm SuperMom, it's not because my house is clean, it's because my kid's still breathing tonight. And I'm still breathing tonight. The cats are alive. The flowers might not be, but we are. And that's really all that matters. Truly.

I dealt with some serious PPD and it was only after going back on a low dose of antidepressants that I started to manage life a lot better. It may not be the answer for you, but it's been a real help for me. Everyone kept saying, "If you can make it until 3 months, you'll be fine." Nope. With our colicky kiddo, I set my sights on 6 months. And now I'm enjoying motherhood a lot more. It's not perfect and I still have bad days, but I bank on the advice of a wonderful older woman I know who had twins: "Some days were bad days, and they just cried and cried. All I could do was cry with them." So that's what I do now. I let myself cry with LO. Then we start fresh in the morning.

I have my sights set on 1 year now because even at 6 months, I realize more profoundly now how intense motherhood is. We're constantly "on," constantly tired, thinking about someone else's needs 24/7 (let alone the needs of other people in our lives besides LO), and small "breaks" just don't always cut it. At least we're being honest with ourselves, though. The real danger is when we try to convince ourselves otherwise.

Whatever you find that works for you, I doubt it's going to be just an attitude adjustment. That might be part of it, but it won't be the whole issue. I think a lot of motherhood trouble is a mismatch of expectations. We measure ourselves by what we see on Pinterest and Pottery Barn and Baby GAP and even what we read on mommy blogs. I'll never have that life, and my kid doesn't have that mom. He has ME. With all my faults, anxieties, my temper, my ridiculously high expectations for myself and others, and my irritability. He also has my undying, unconditional love, care, and support. At the end of the day, that's what counts.

Hang in there, Mom. Are you breathing? Is your LO breathing? Then you're golden.

LittleFish1 · June 2013

TheEditor is very wise and eloquent ... good job putting it into words. Totally agree!

kristine618 · June 2013

TheEditor:
I really feel with you, OP. I could have written this very paragraph not too long ago. My DH is out of town for 10 days and it's only since I've been taking care of absolutely everything on my own that I've finally been able to let go of some of the control issues: dishes sat out on the counter for 2 days, laundry was washed, but not folded and put away. Toys are on the floor. Bathroom hasn't been cleaned. Vacuuming? I'm pretty sure I couldn't even tell you where that appliance is. And you know what? I feel a hellck of a lot better.
For me, I could never "embrace the chaos." I hate that the house isn't to my standards right now, but I'm a mom now. A regular mom. If I'm SuperMom, it's not because my house is clean, it's because my kid's still breathing tonight. And I'm still breathing tonight. The cats are alive. The flowers might not be, but we are. And that's really all that matters. Truly.
I dealt with some serious PPD and it was only after going back on a low dose of antidepressants that I started to manage life a lot better. It may not be the answer for you, but it's been a real help for me. Everyone kept saying, "If you can make it until 3 months, you'll be fine." Nope. With our colicky kiddo, I set my sights on 6 months. And now I'm enjoying motherhood a lot more. It's not perfect and I still have bad days, but I bank on the advice of a wonderful older woman I know who had twins: "Some days were bad days, and they just cried and cried. All I could do was cry with them." So that's what I do now. I let myself cry with LO. Then we start fresh in the morning.
I have my sights set on 1 year now because even at 6 months, I realize more profoundly now how intense motherhood is. We're constantly "on," constantly tired, thinking about someone else's needs 24/7 (let alone the needs of other people in our lives besides LO), and small "breaks" just don't always cut it. At least we're being honest with ourselves, though. The real danger is when we try to convince ourselves otherwise.
Whatever you find that works for you, I doubt it's going to be just an attitude adjustment. That might be part of it, but it won't be the whole issue. I think a lot of motherhood trouble is a mismatch of expectations. We measure ourselves by what we see on Pinterest and Pottery Barn and Baby GAP and even what we read on mommy blogs. I'll never have that life, and my kid doesn't have that mom. He has ME. With all my faults, anxieties, my temper, my ridiculously high expectations for myself and others, and my irritability. He also has my undying, unconditional love, care, and support. At the end of the day, that's what counts.
Hang in there, Mom. Are you breathing? Is your LO breathing? Then you're golden.

Thank you, Editor for reminding me what is important. You are right. Everyone is breathing, so we are okay... and we're going to be okay. I know I really need to work on letting go of control and the insatiable and unattainable goal to be perfect at everything. It's making me miserable. I probably do have some PPD, and I'm going to seriously consider going back on a low-dose antidepressant once I wean LO. I'm glad to hear this helped you. I am thinking that I'll have more time to exercise and and a tiny bit more time for myself once I'm not constantly feeding or pumping, too. I wish I could do it all, but I can't, and as much as I struggle with it, I think it's time to cut back on BF to just morning and night for a while, and move in the direction of fully weaning in the near future. Thanks to everyone for their comments.

aelhunt · June 2013

While I find it harder than I thought I don't feel overwhelmed. I have a good routine and she knows what to expect and when. I don't wait for her to cry to feed her and I think being proactive in that small regard helps to keep everyone happy. Her nap times are routine and bedtime is the same. Both DH and I are creatures of habit to a T so she follows. I would probably sing a different tune if it was chaos around here but it's not. I can imagine though that if I didn't have any routine and we were all over the place that it would feel overwhelmed and out of control.

kescalera · June 2013

I have actually found that despite the overall lack of sleep and free-time and everything else that has changed since Killian joined the world, I honestly feel like I was made for this. Sadly I'm not sure my marriage will last but I love being a mom. I also love routines though and for the past few months, have got Killian into some pretty smooth ones. Not that he's scheduled (ie. naps at 8/10/2, etc.) but that I know when he wakes up in the morning he doesn't want to eat right away, he wants to talk and show me his toes and pull on Daddy's nose. During the day he loves to be on the move so whenever he's awake we are always out and about grocery shopping or walking the dog or just wandering around town visiting friends.

JJ_13 · June 2013

kristine618:
TheEditor:
I really feel with you, OP. I could have written this very paragraph not too long ago. My DH is out of town for 10 days and it's only since I've been taking care of absolutely everything on my own that I've finally been able to let go of some of the control issues: dishes sat out on the counter for 2 days, laundry was washed, but not folded and put away. Toys are on the floor. Bathroom hasn't been cleaned. Vacuuming? I'm pretty sure I couldn't even tell you where that appliance is. And you know what? I feel a hellck of a lot better.
For me, I could never "embrace the chaos." I hate that the house isn't to my standards right now, but I'm a mom now. A regular mom. If I'm SuperMom, it's not because my house is clean, it's because my kid's still breathing tonight. And I'm still breathing tonight. The cats are alive. The flowers might not be, but we are. And that's really all that matters. Truly.
I dealt with some serious PPD and it was only after going back on a low dose of antidepressants that I started to manage life a lot better. It may not be the answer for you, but it's been a real help for me. Everyone kept saying, "If you can make it until 3 months, you'll be fine." Nope. With our colicky kiddo, I set my sights on 6 months. And now I'm enjoying motherhood a lot more. It's not perfect and I still have bad days, but I bank on the advice of a wonderful older woman I know who had twins: "Some days were bad days, and they just cried and cried. All I could do was cry with them." So that's what I do now. I let myself cry with LO. Then we start fresh in the morning.
I have my sights set on 1 year now because even at 6 months, I realize more profoundly now how intense motherhood is. We're constantly "on," constantly tired, thinking about someone else's needs 24/7 (let alone the needs of other people in our lives besides LO), and small "breaks" just don't always cut it. At least we're being honest with ourselves, though. The real danger is when we try to convince ourselves otherwise.
Whatever you find that works for you, I doubt it's going to be just an attitude adjustment. That might be part of it, but it won't be the whole issue. I think a lot of motherhood trouble is a mismatch of expectations. We measure ourselves by what we see on Pinterest and Pottery Barn and Baby GAP and even what we read on mommy blogs. I'll never have that life, and my kid doesn't have that mom. He has ME. With all my faults, anxieties, my temper, my ridiculously high expectations for myself and others, and my irritability. He also has my undying, unconditional love, care, and support. At the end of the day, that's what counts.
Hang in there, Mom. Are you breathing? Is your LO breathing? Then you're golden.
Thank you, Editor for reminding me what is important. You are right. Everyone is breathing, so we are okay... and we're going to be okay. I know I really need to work on letting go of control and the insatiable and unattainable goal to be perfect at everything. It's making me miserable. I probably do have some PPD, and I'm going to seriously consider going back on a low-dose antidepressant once I wean LO. I'm glad to hear this helped you. I am thinking that I'll have more time to exercise and and a tiny bit more time for myself once I'm not constantly feeding or pumping, too. I wish I could do it all, but I can't, and as much as I struggle with it, I think it's time to cut back on BF to just morning and night for a while, and move in the direction of fully weaning in the near future. Thanks to everyone for their comments.

There are SSRIs and anti-depressants you can go on while you breastfeed! Talk to your doc/midwife about it! It's worth it to make you feel a little less crazy. Hang in there!

jsoubel · June 2013

It's hard to tell from your posts if you are feeling overwhelmed or if out is more serious, but I'm writing to say that I feel the same way. I do a good job with LO, but the housework, my job, and some of my relationships are not doing so hot. I've been a perfectionist for 35 years and I'm never going to be satisfied with good enough so I'm trying to learn how to balance everything. It is a very steep learning curve, but I have full faith that we'll make it and be OK.

kristine618 · June 2013

jsoubel:
It's hard to tell from your posts if you are feeling overwhelmed or if out is more serious, but I'm writing to say that I feel the same way. I do a good job with LO, but the housework, my job, and some of my relationships are not doing so hot. I've been a perfectionist for 35 years and I'm never going to be satisfied with good enough so I'm trying to learn how to balance everything. It is a very steep learning curve, but I have full faith that we'll make it and be OK.

Thanks. I don't think it is really anything that serious. I am just hard on myself, and I feel like I can't do as well as I want to do on everything anymore. Overall, I wanted to express that motherhood is harder than I expected. I'm feeling stretched so thin between work, daycare, pumping/feeding and taking care of DD, maintaining my household (DH works a lot and our families aren't nearby) and some semblance of social life, etc. As much as I am happy to be a mom, I wish I were enjoying it more and able to let go a little and be in the moment more. I know I need to make some adjustments.

jaimevogt · June 2013

Thank you for posting this thread so I can write..

I am so tired.

So, so so so so tired. I'm hear at work, and I just want to grunt at everyone. The fact that I need to do detail oriented things right now seems ludicrous.

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