- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
sabrina69barnes
member
Explaining child support to children?
sabrina69barnes
member
We are in the process of modifying our child support payment. Several factors have changed since it was figured so it will be getting decreased by a significant amount. During discovery we got copies of BM's bills. With the current amount of c/s her and her BF/FI were very behind on bills. With a reduction there is no way they will be able to keep up unless they bring in more money or manage what they have better. DH and I plan to buy things for SK's like lunches, clothes, shoes, coats, glasses, etc, for BM's house if the kids need them. We don't want them do go without what they need but we aren't going to pay more than the calculator says just because BM can't live on that alone.
I know I shouldn't have but I snooped on BM's twitter page. She is very upset because she has realized that she will be getting less in c/s. They may lose their house. She is saying all kinds of things about DH like how selfish he is and doesn't care about his kids. It's one thing to vent to her friends on twitter but I could easily see her saying similar things to SK's if things get bad for them.
We've never mentioned c/s to the kids. I'm not even sure they know it exists. I never thought it was any of their business. If BM starts bad mouthing DH, how do we explain things to SK's so they know the truth without calling BM a liar or bad mouthing her? I don't want to say anything bad about BM but it isn't ok for kids to think that DH doesn't care, is selfish, cares about his "other family" more, etc.
I know I shouldn't have but I snooped on BM's twitter page. She is very upset because she has realized that she will be getting less in c/s. They may lose their house. She is saying all kinds of things about DH like how selfish he is and doesn't care about his kids. It's one thing to vent to her friends on twitter but I could easily see her saying similar things to SK's if things get bad for them.
We've never mentioned c/s to the kids. I'm not even sure they know it exists. I never thought it was any of their business. If BM starts bad mouthing DH, how do we explain things to SK's so they know the truth without calling BM a liar or bad mouthing her? I don't want to say anything bad about BM but it isn't ok for kids to think that DH doesn't care, is selfish, cares about his "other family" more, etc.
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Explaining child support to children?
I understand the line of thinking that finances aren't any of the kids' business. That's how I grew up.
But we talk to the kids about money. Not specifics--they don't know how much DH makes or what our mortgage is. But we have tried to impress upon them that money is a finite resource. So we do talk about, for example, cutting back a little bit on eating out or whatever so that we have more money to spend at Disneyworld. In a broader sense, it's us trying to teach them that money can pay for X or Y but not both X and Y. We have told DS that XH sends money every month to help support him, and that we all contribute to his 529. We talk about saving.
So I don't think it'd be out of line in the least to tell them that things have changed in your house, and that's going to affect their moms house. And BOTH households have to deal with having a little less than they might be used to. I think you can explain your side without saying a single word about BM. If they say "But my mom said..." Just say 'that must have been hard to hear' or 'I'm sorry' or some neutral-ish statement.
My parents were so secretive about money and managing their finances that they raised 3 daughters with almost no financial sense at all. Thank god DH is very, very good with money. I could get by on my own, but before DH I pretty much spent up to what I made. My sisters wouldn't know a budget if it smacked them in the face.
Our household is actually doing much better than we were when c/s was first figured. I work now and DH has gotten a raise. C/s is going down because DH has 3 more children and since SK's are in school BM is calculated as making min. wage even though she chooses not to work. We are going to Disney, I've done some re-decorating, and we get to go on more family outings. We are also saving a lot more but they don't see that. Things aren't extravagant by any means but are a lot more comfortable then they used to be and the kids have noticed.
We never talk about specific dollar amounts but I do talk to the kids about money. We talking about making a grocery budget and buying things used when we can. We also talk about the fun things that the saved money gets spent on.
We have more money because DH and I earn it. They new c/s amount and BF/FI's income alone wont be enough to support their household. BM doesn't think she should have to work and thinks that DH should basicly support her staying home. The kids are starting to see we have more. If BM feels that DH is taking something from her I'm worried that this attitude will get passed to the kids. I don't want to have to come at and say "BM can't afford as much because she doesn't work" but I don't want the kids thinking DH is taking anything from BM or that we are going to Disney at the expense of BM not being able to afford needs.
I'm saying this without judgment, but I think it's going to be hard to explain to kids. You file to reduce support... BM might lose her house while you guys go to Disney. Even without negative press from BM I think it would be difficult for kids to understand.
Trying to imagine myself in their position, I think even as teen/young adult I might really struggle with hurt feelings over it. Fairness and BM's ability to work aren't really going to matter to these kids when they're packing up their house.
It's not that BM is in the right, I just think it's a lot for kids to handle. If there was less money across the board, it would be much easier to explain.
I know and that's what I'm worried about. DH will be paying what is fair for him to pay but because BM doesn't work the situation will be unfair to SKs (am BM's other kids). DH and I will make sure that SK's have everything they need and extras but it will still be obvious that there is less money in that household. DH and I obviously wont be providing those same things for BM's other kids. Maybe BM will realize that she needs to find a way to bring in more money and this wont be an issue but I doubt it. This issue is that BM doesn't provide for her kids and I don't want DH to be the bad guy. It's one thing if this will be something that the kids will understand as they get older but I don't want them to be angry with DH and have it affect their relationship long term.
It's hard to say. It might depend on how much BM is actually able to pull herself out of this. Because I think ability to work is not clear cut. Does she have any actual skills or education? Sure, she could probably get a job at Walmart or wherever. But are they going to let her work while the kids are in school? Or is paying for childcare going to put her farther behind than she is now?
Overall, I think the bottom line is that YH's actions will negatively impact them. There's no getting around that. So how much and how long they blame him will depend on how bad things get. Honestly, I could easily see it affecting the kids' relationship with YH long term.
If you do not want to be direct, you can start by talking about household budgeting in general terms and specifically in your home.
If anything, this goes a long way in helping your children understand more than just child support, but why you are able or not able to afford certain things (like cable or that special toy or going on a trip) and can only help your children be better stewards of their own money as they grow older.
And yes, you should create a real-time budget that shows your income and your outlays, INCLUDING what you pay to their mother for child support. You do not have to get deep and dirty, but you should answer their questions if they arise.
You can then even move into how you decided why one thing gets budgeted and another doesnt.
I think we may do this. I wonder if there is a scouting requirement this could be work into. Our lifestyle is more comfortable than BM's but there are still some luxuries like cable that she chooses to have that we don't. They have noticed we have more than we used to but haven't mentioned noticing a difference between households. Maybe BM will get it together so that they don't. Hopefully this will never be an issue but maybe talking about a budget now before anything happens will help them understand more if it does.
I wrote my post and then forgot to send it, so I did not see the subsequent responses. I really DO think that doing this is a good idea ASAP.
Here is how I would do it.
1) Start with your actual budget, but do NOT show your incomes.
2 Line itemize everything individually. For example do not average all of the utilities together, but list out electric, gas, water, sewer, etc.
Don't just line item mortgage where it includes your taxes, but separate them so they know that you have to pay for the HOUSE and the property taxes (you can even write out what property taxes are used for).
Do the same with groceries if you can - separate food from snacks from toiletries. It will really help your children see what things are necessary and what things are not (like meal foods vs snack foods and how much toilet paper we use/abuse).
I have had to do this with SS and DD. I swear they get PISSY MEAN when they run out of their snack foods before the week is done and I will not buy more. Two boxes of cheezits come to about $8. If SS had his way, we would be buying 4 boxes a week. That is $16.
Sure $16 seems like a small sum, but then you tack on his name brand cereal's, shampoos, body washes, hair gels, toothpaste, etc - all things that he will wantonly waste by overuse - his monthly expenditures reach the $50-$70 mark.
And that does not even include the fact that we have the higher internet speed so he can play his video games, that our electricity usage is crazy high because he never turns off his computer/tv/gaming systems (plural).
3) If you can, create a separate sheet that shows everyone's individual usage of items. It does not have to be on the initial spreadsheet, but have it ready.
4) Include Child Support
5) Include Savings and what your saving for. Explain that there is emergency funds vs fun funds.
We did this when DH retired and we only had DH's retirement. SS had a number of fits when we tightened our belts and cut a lot of our unnecessaries. We had to show him with the numbers.
Unfortunately, we did this too late. He still wastes a ton. He still asks for the top of the line product. But I am going to be diligent with DD>
We've had this issue a lot with K over the years. Not because we had our CS lowered, but because BM openly gripes to anyone and everyone about how "unfair" it is that the Court calculated her income at full-time, minimum wage when she was really only making $500 a month. I mean really, how dare the Court tell BM she has to be financially responsible to her child?! K would come over and say how sad it is that Mommy can't afford things and Mommy needs more money and blah blah blah. It infuriated us at first, but then we realized something: it's not our fault nor is it our responsibility that BM can't get her act together. My husband and I both work to afford the luxuries we want, and we both have to sacrifice to cut back if a new expense comes up. It's called being an adult.
As PP said, CS really shouldn't be used to as a factor in BM's household budget. Her house payment, car payment, utilities, groceries, etc shouldn't be dependent on CS. CS is ever changing: it gets increased, sometimes it doesn't get paid, it gets lowered... a person's household income should be based upon what they bring home, not on what they are supposed to receive from another party. If the CS is getting lowered then BM needs to reign in her spending. Will it be really unfortunate if BM loses her house or cars because of the decreased CS? Of course. But that's not DH's problem. And if BM starts saying things to the kids about it, I would talk to an attorney about DH's options.
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools